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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I confront my Racist friend?

51 replies

Tmtiger · 26/08/2018 00:10

So my friend is in emotionally abusive relationship and her way of dealing with it is to become a carbon copy of her boyfriend to avoid criticism. So she dresses like him, has the same interests as him and shares his opinions on everything. Everything. Including the fact he is racist.

This became a problem when she came to visit me in London this weekend. We were on the tube on the way home and there was a black couple opposite us. And she sent me a message saying "black peoples lips are huuuge" I was mortified and had no idea how to respond so said "you've been living in East Sussex for too long" and she just said "at least I knew to send it in text rather than say it out loud!"

I was mortified especially as there was a black guy sat next to me on the Tube and the idea that he could of seen the text and thought I was in agreement, and felt uncomfortable was awful.

Now she wasn't racist before getting with her racist emotionally abusive partner. But nonetheless she is now and we have a few theatre trips and concerts in London again over the next few months.

I do not want to be put in that situation again. How do I deal with this when I know I am the only friend she can ring in when he has locked her out of the house in the middle of the night or has been texting ex girl friends. And I don't want that to break down. But at the same time I will not be made to feel uncomfortable with her racist comments in future?

OP posts:

NameChangedNow · 26/08/2018 00:14

I'd say 'You seem to have picked up some weird ideas about other races. Like you're being quite rude about people because of their race, which doesn't seem like you... What's changed?'

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 26/08/2018 00:24

In your position and with a close friend I’d come right out with it. It’s offens and making you feel uncomfortable.
Friends tell each other stuff like that

Parpulous · 26/08/2018 00:32

I would have called her out on it immediately. Next time ask her why she finds it necessary to say things like that, and say you have no interest in listening to/reading racist remarks. Hopefully the embarrassment will put her in her place...

Tomatoesrock · 26/08/2018 00:45

Gosh that is a tough one when you know she needs you, Could you text to say you found her comment very inappropriate and you were very surprised at her even thinking like that.

Let her reply, I suspect if he is with her and she shares the text info you will get a dismissive reply. If it happens, I'd text to say bye for now I am here for when you need me. When she sees sense and leaves him

WinterIsComing84 · 26/08/2018 00:46

I'd tell her straight that her comment was rude, juvenile and racist, and you have no interest in socialising with racist people.

PortsmouthNH · 26/08/2018 01:08

How did you get signal on the tube?

MurunBuchstansagur · 26/08/2018 01:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HavingALittleBabyToolshed · 26/08/2018 01:31

Many tube lines now have WIFI.

OP you just have to come out with it.
“Right what’s going on with the racist stuff lately? I don’t want to lose you as a friend but if it doesn’t stop I can’t put up with it. It’s a non-negotiable.”

woodfires · 26/08/2018 01:33

You can get a signal on the tube if you aren't underground, misses point of thread.

ManyCrisps · 26/08/2018 01:36

Only 45% of the underground is actually underground so it’s quite easy to get a signal and you automatically connect to WiFi when you’re at a station.

Thesearepearls · 26/08/2018 01:36

The great thing about really good friends is that you trust them to tell you when they are being a bit bonkers and vice versa

I don't think confrontation as in full on serious voice and stern tones is in order. A couple of gentle questions along the lines suggested earlier in the thread sound more persuasive and compelling to me.

SemperIdem · 26/08/2018 01:38

You just tell her that what she is saying is racist.

Being called a racist is not worse than actually being a racist.

DioneTheDiabolist · 26/08/2018 01:45

You did confront her OP, you certainly challenged her.

Next time you meet, tell her how you feel about receiving such messages, that you don't want to get any more and remind her that she didn't always think this way.

UpstartCrow · 26/08/2018 01:57

She wasn't being racist to avoid criticism from her boyfriend, he wasn't there. She was being racist because she is racist.

Hertha · 26/08/2018 02:00

I just wouldn’t see her again. It’s one thing to try and enlighten someone raised as a racist but she should already know better. Let the relationship break down. She’s a garbage person.

Hertha · 26/08/2018 02:03

Just to add; you can ask her not to be vocally racist in front of you but she’ll still be a racist. Do you really want a racist friend?

Thesearepearls · 26/08/2018 02:08

The whole idea of black people's lips being huge is incredibly insulting now I come to think about it. Not all black people have big lips - it depends where they're from. it's such a horrid thing to say or express really.

Butterflycookie · 26/08/2018 02:21

Yuck, how immature! No one should be texting things about other people’s appreance regardless of race. What a horrible person

WellThisIsShit · 26/08/2018 02:32

Sometimes old friends grow away in directions we cannot follow.

Are you friends with her because of who she was, or because of who she still is? Is the woman she is today a woman you can say you are happy to know?

It can be hard to make that decision when you are being swept along thinking a change is just a momentary blip. But that’s it really, a blip you forgive and forget? Or a change which shows it’s perhaps time for a parting of the ways...

Sparklesocks · 26/08/2018 02:43

I feel like people don't just become racist out of nowhere, I think she already was and her new boyfriend feeling similar emboldened her.
If one of my friends said something like that I'd feel wildly uncomfortable remaining friends tbh.

Thesearepearls · 26/08/2018 02:53

There is an issue of unconscious bias.

The thing is with unconscious bias is that it is just that - unconscious. It doesn't only extend to race there are massive issues caused by unconscious bias.

You need to be a good friend OP and just chat to her about it. What she said was unbelievably offensive. Chat kindly and carefully. The problem with the whole Brexit thing is that we have all become very much polarised and intolerant. Find a way to draw her back.

I'm so glad you posted this OP. Such a thoughtful post.

Hertha · 26/08/2018 03:00

Knowingly making racist comments is not unconscious bias. It’s plain old racism.

Thesearepearls · 26/08/2018 03:11

Racism is a difficult issue to address and I have had to address this issue in my own family. I am mixed race BTW to give my comments some context

It all comes down to whether or not you want to alienate people - create a them and us culture - or whether or not you want to include and persuade and just generally get people to a place where they're prepared to acknowledge that they might have been daft

This issue is one that has been incredibly painful for me personally, It wasn't a friend it was a very close family member. If you can persuade with love and kindness it is a much better tactic that standing over people with a big stick.

Because no-one ever (well possibly apart from Nick Griffin) wants to be a known racist. IME you need to demonstrate love and kindness and get people back on track.

latika · 26/08/2018 03:24

Hertha totally agree. Her boyfriend wasnt there and she obviously felt confident and comfortable enough to make that remark to you by text.

The fact she replied saying ‘at least she knew not to say it out loud’ would be the end of the friendship for me. She is aware that she is racist and that her comment was unacceptable. That is not a something I would want in a friend!

Veterinari · 26/08/2018 03:30

I think you need to talk to her. She knows her comment is unacceptable but she sent it anyway. She didn’t think about making you uncomfortable!

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