How do I confront my Racist friend?

[Tmtiger]

So my friend is in emotionally abusive relationship and her way of dealing with it is to become a carbon copy of her boyfriend to avoid criticism. So she dresses like him, has the same interests as him and shares his opinions on everything. Everything. Including the fact he is racist.

This became a problem when she came to visit me in London this weekend. We were on the tube on the way home and there was a black couple opposite us. And she sent me a message saying "black peoples lips are huuuge" I was mortified and had no idea how to respond so said "you've been living in East Sussex for too long" and she just said "at least I knew to send it in text rather than say it out loud!"

I was mortified especially as there was a black guy sat next to me on the Tube and the idea that he could of seen the text and thought I was in agreement, and felt uncomfortable was awful.

Now she wasn't racist before getting with her racist emotionally abusive partner. But nonetheless she is now and we have a few theatre trips and concerts in London again over the next few months.

I do not want to be put in that situation again. How do I deal with this when I know I am the only friend she can ring in when he has locked her out of the house in the middle of the night or has been texting ex girl friends. And I don't want that to break down. But at the same time I will not be made to feel uncomfortable with her racist comments in future?

Look you are all doing the "them and us" thing.

We're all good because we are not racists. They are all bad because they are racists

If you want to put an end to racism, which I'm guessing we all do on this thread. then the way to go forward is to persuade and cajole and to take people with you

It's a very personal issue for me but I do think that I am right about this. Built unity if you can.

Welcome to the thread bpisok - always good to have observations from thoroughgoing racists. How's the summer holiday going? Done a lot of masturbating?

For your information - not that I suspect you are interested -

Genetically those from African decent do have bigger lips (and bigger and firmer bums

Totally incorrect and a plainly racist observation. Have you ever met an east african? Presumably not given that you are a racist twat. No east African have big lips or firmer bums. No north africans do either.

It's just you with your racist shit. By the way, when it comes to applying for proper jobs, neither masturbation nor trolling count as good work experience.

I have a lot of sympathy for people in abusive relationships, I was in one myself as have close friends of mine, but none of us lost our core values in the process.

Omg so many people are still racist. I have no time for them. Sorry if that sounds harsh. Arseholes.

Why would you be going out of your way to preserve the friendship of a person who surely no right-minded person would even want as a friend...?

Leave her to it. Her dickhead boyfriend, and her newly acquired racism.

What a weak, pathetic character she sounds - ditch and be done.

I'd end the friendship, and tell her why. This wasn't genuine ignorance, or a situation where there was anything approaching extenuating circumstances, it was just racism.

I'm in a similar position OP.
Friend is abusive relationship, dealing with it by projecting all that anger and fear onto another racial group.
She's joined a bunch of racist Facebook groups where presumably she experiences support and validation.
Her Facebook wall is getting more extreme as she reposts stuff from these groups and her new racist friends jump in to agree
I argued a bit and then hid her (not defriended her) on Facebook. She's very vulnerable and I wanted to leave the door open....

Her boyfriend wasn't there, she knew not to say her 'observation' out loud because she knows it's racist, these are her views that she wanted to share with you with no outside influence. Her BF having similar views has just made it seem acceptable to her. I think that racism does need to be challenged, when people let it slide it means people (racists) like your friend and bpisok will keep spouting their horrible shite, it's at the very least wilful ignorance and I'm inclined to believe that these people are not worth bothering with as I don't believe racists will change their ingrained beliefs. I am in an interracial relationship, and have a mixed race DD, my eyes were opened to the shocking amount of racism in our society that I as a white woman had never experienced. I challenge racism whenever I encounter it, it doesn't need to be done aggressively, but people do need to be told when what they are saying is unacceptable, otherwise it will continue.

Thesearepearls You are mixed race yet your comments on this thread are some of the most troubling to me. Rather than adopting an attitude that the size or other attributes of a person's lips are no big deal one way or the other, you are furiously arguing that not all black people (i.e. not you) have larger lips.

Personally, I don't think what she said was racist. Don't see it any different than saying black men have bigger dicks. It's a stereotype, which let's be honest - like most stereotypes come from somewhere.

As a black person, having bigger lips is not a negative at all. Yes, most of us have bigger lips, this isn't new information.

And from my point of view, it's much better than having thin paper lips anyway.

If this is the worst thing she has said about black people, then I'd probably laugh it off.

It still comes under anti-blackness - which most people exude (all races do this to black people), but I'm not too bothered.

My MIL is racist. Dh and I her out in it every single time.

“That’s a very racist comment, can you stop it” Usually shuts her up.

*call her out

Knowingly making racist comments is not unconscious bias. It’s plain old racism.

This, she didn’t send that message under pressure from her boyfriend, he wasn’t even there.
And she knew enough not to say it out loud, so she knew it was racist.

The boyfriend is a red herring in this instance, it’s not because of abuse when he’s not there, it’s because she feels it’s ok to mock black people.

I had a friend who, after a few months of friendship, stood in my kitchen quoting Enoch Powell’s infamous speech and declaring that “foreigners” and “blacks” were ruining the country. We’re not friends any more, I cannot be around people who think that way.

Oh, but before I asked her to leave my house I told her how fucking poisonous, dirty and offensive her shitty views were. Also that they’re dead wrong.

Lizzie, I'm the same with my BIL, and SIL when she tries to justify it.

It makes for some interesting family parties ...

I'd ditch the friend, tbh.

@bpisok

Hahahaha “don’t disappear up your own PC a*se”.

So there’s nothing racist about pointing out people’s physical traits because they’re a different ethnic origin to you?

Based on your logic, making comments (sorry “observations”) like these is also acceptable:

“White people’s hair is soooo stringy”
“Chinese people’s eyes are slaaaaanty”
“Jewish people have huuuuuge noses”

I can’t think of anymore racist stereotypes (sorry I mean “observations”) at this moment so that’ll have do for now.

I just wouldn’t see her again.
Me neither, and tell her why.

If you want to put an end to racism, which I'm guessing we all do on this thread. then the way to go forward is to persuade and cajole and to take people with you

I disagree. Racism is and should be socially unacceptable. Engaging in discussion implies it's a valid viewpoint open to debate like remain and leave or conservative and labour. You wouldn't say it was ok to enter into a discussion with criminals or tax evaders. They are wrong and will always be wrong. There's no discussion to be had.

On the basis of that text message I'd try to briefly, directly say 'Please don't send things like that to me, I find them racist' and hope that closed it down. If it's one among many racist attitudes she's expressed, and if she ignored any requests not to do so, that would make the friendship difficult.

I’m always disappointed by racism in people I like because I equate being racist to being stupid (perhaps this is my own prejudice though).

We’re all victims of our own circumstances and, having grown up in London in the 70s, 80s and 90s, my experience of multiculturalism is different to the generation before me (and before them) and to those in less diverse areas in the UK.

My personal experience is that people are people, some nice, some not-so, but personality doesn’t have a colour. That’s not to say that upbringing doesn’t factor, and I see rascism travel in all directions in my social group, not just physical characteristics but cultural and social difference judged as inferior too. Recent comments that spring to mind are “why would you dilute your race, my children wouldn’t dare bring a black person home” or “white girls are easy” from two separate Indian friends, one in her late 50s, one in her mid 20s.

Like I say, disappointing. However, if you like this person (and I like both the people I’ve quoted above, despite clearly being viewed as inferior due to my skin colour by them) then you could explain to your friend the idiocy of judging someone on characteristics that are beyond their control.

Perhaps it’s an inherent part of survival that we deem whatever we happen to be to be the best thing to be. With cultural/religious difference, we’d choose something we deem better if we felt it was, but you can’t do that with race.

It makes for some interesting family parties

Same here, in fact I now minimise how much time I depend with my MIL. I’m too old (52) to be in the same room as this rubbish.

If I were the OP, I’d ditch the firing, unfortunately you can’t do that with a MIL.

You need to tell your friend, quietly and in your own words, that you do not want to hear that sort of stuff from her, it's not right and when she is with you, she keeps her language clean.

Of course you could go on and have a long philosophical conversation with her but she doesn't sound as though she would listen in her present frame of mind.

charlestonchaplin

It's interesting that my comments were read in that way and I see now that they could have been. That wasn't my intention though.

I think that judging people on the colour of their skin or the nature of their religion is entirely wrong.

But what does get me very angry is the "lumping together" that happens with racism or islamaphobia for example. All Africans do not have big butts (this part-african does but that's a product of diet rather than genetics). All africans do not have big lips. All muslims are not oppressing women ...

Do you see what I mean? I realise I expressed myself badly down thread.

Telling her she's been living in East Sussex too long isn't calling her out on her racism. How about pointing out that she's a nasty racist arsehole instead, and you can't be friends with someone like that.

Is East Sussex a noted hotbed of racism, can't say I've noticed.

Yes, London is so tolerant isn't it? Like where a Jewish friend of mine lives in a very nice part of North London. He's an older man and is too frightened to go out now to Synagogue on a Friday night because of the racist cat calls he gets when he walks along the street.

Telling her she's been living in East Sussex too long isn't calling her out on her racism.
This ^^. I didn't understand why a PP said that OP had called her out by saying this because it's not remotely challenging. If you think what she said was racist then surely you'd go with or 'that sounds racist to me' or 'I don't think that's factual and even if it is I don't think it's acceptable to say' or something that highlights that you think she's being racist. Equally, if you'd thought it might or might not be racist (on the basis that some black people might genetically have bigger lips but you're not sure, but you still think it's ) then you'd say so. You've just sat on the fence.