To be annoyed at DH about his moods?

[CostaGuava]

Sometimes DH will get in a bad mood that lasts for several weeks. During this mood he treats and speaks to me like shit, and makes 'jokes' about me that aren't funny. My self esteem takes a battering.

Things have been fine for ages but last night he went out and came home drunk, in a bad mood. The bad mood continued all day today. When I pulled him up on it he said he hadn't been in a mood but was now as I'd mentioned moods. He was snappy and off with me all day and kept doing things like shutting the front door in my face when we went into the house even though I had armfuls of stuff!

This evening we went to a friends BBQ and for the whole evening he made it obvious he was in a bad mood with me: the men all talked in a group and the women did too but all of the others would occasionally spend a bit of time with their partner too. If DH came into a room or the garden and I was there he'd just walk off. If anyone else spoke to me he kept coming over and dominating the conversation and excluding me. He was fine and chatty with everyone else but made it clear he wasn't happy with me. He got drunk again and I didn't drink any alcohol so had to drive us home and he just walked off to the car ahead of me and wouldn't speak to me all journey home.

This mood will go on probably for about 2 or 3 weeks now. He says I'm being 'over sensitive' and said 'Is this for real?' when I just tried to ask him why he'd been so horrible at the bbq.

AIBU to be pissed off or am I being over sensitive?

I make no defence of his actions but I have sadly in the past done this with my wife. Not to the extreme he has with you but I would go moody and say things that were unforgivable. In the end I sought help and was told I was suffering from depression / PTSD.

My wife waited until after I had been a complete cock head and was in the regretful stage then tackled me. I was given a choice, lose my marriage or see my doctor.

Oh dear. Start making plans. It's not a partnership with a moody child-man.
I would (and have) packed a bag and left for a few days, only return on condition he seeks help. Even then he may not be able to change, but if the intention to try is there I would give him ONE chance.

Leave the fucker. Honestly. This is abusive and not how a loving partner should behave to you - you deserve better than that.

Don't engage with him, enable him or put up with this. It'll exhaust you. He would need to do some extreme shovelling and promises to turn his life and moods around to win you back. You can do better. Bollocks to him! Enough is enough

I think some men are mysoginists and when something goes wrong in their lives- issue at work, made to look stupid somehow, jealous of someone, footie team lost etc etc they take their anger / disappointment on someone who won't answer back which is usually their DW. They feel angry as their life isn't right and decide it is someone else fault and that someone else should feel bad like they do.

Everything she ^ said.

Ahhh spell checker! Grovelling not shovelling!

Ignore him and disengage. Let him do everything you may otherwise do and if it were me I'd go and stay with a relative for a week or so.

If in that time he'd not seen the error of his ways... I'd start getting my ducks in a row to formally separate with a view to divorce.

Life's too short to live like that.

Do you have any children? Let's hope not, as it will be far easier to clamp down on this shit if it's just you.

I think some men are mysoginists and when something goes wrong in their lives- issue at work, made to look stupid somehow, jealous of someone, footie team lost etc etc they take their anger / disappointment on someone who won't answer back which is usually their DW. They feel angry as their life isn't right and decide it is someone else fault and that someone else should feel bad like they do. I think it might be something to do with their relationship with their mother.
Walk up to him and angrily tell him that if he is disrespectful to you once more he is out that door. He is also a coward so that might fix it but don't stand for this it will make you ill

So true in my case - I agree with every word.

Psychological and emotional domestic abuse. Seek support from your local women's aid OP. They will help you make sense of this situation which is ultimately his power and control within the relationship and also of the impact this is having on all aspects of your life. They will understand you may not be ready to leave , but will be able to give sound practical advice on the risk he poses based on his past and present behaviours and to help you to make a safety plan. They will help to put you in touch with professionals who can give legal and financial advice. Please at least check them out online. You don't have to put up with this abuse and he will never change.

Walk up to him and angrily tell him that if he is disrespectful to you once more he is out that door.

While I don't disagree with your entire post... A man like him will not leave his home on the say so of a woman like the OP.

He knows she had tolerated/accepted his moodiness and abusive behaviour for years, that's why he continues doing it.

OP ... It will take strength and a realisation that you don't deserve this to make changes.

If you don't have children...it's easier to cut him loose.

If you do have children... Do you want your DD to think it's acceptable to be treated like this?

If you have a son... do you want him to think this is how to treat a woman?

With it without children...this is not a good man to stay with...because he had no respect for you.

He's nothing but a bully. You were talking to people avd he had to come over and bully by exclusion. He felt the need to punish you for God knows what.

He's like the kind of child at school who falls out with you ..then goes and tells everyone else not to play with you.

You can't change him... only your reaction to his behaviour.

This all sounds horribly familiar. My ExH did this all the time. For years I clung to the belief that they were isolated incidents, that he was repressed because of his crappy childhood, that he was depressed. I gave him every allowance in the hope it would pass. It didn't. What did happen is that the spaces between the sulking got shorter and shorter and I spent my life treading on egg shells trying to negotiate his moods. It certainly appeared in the end that he took pleasure in making me miserable.
It beat me down in the end. The day we broke up was the first day of the rest of my life. I have never regretted telling him to hit the road.

No ‘mood’ lasts several weeks; that is something else. You shouldn’t have to put up with his crap any more - you’re worth far more than that. Do you really want this for years and years? If not, make plans.

He is either horrible or has got a mental health problem

My father did this. First to my mother, and then to me. It has totally screwed me up psychologically. It is abuse, pure and simple, and there is no doubt that the others at the BBQ will have noticed and recognised it.

Please leave him before you are totally ground down or he escalates.

He sounds really horrible, you aren’t being oversensitive. Everyone gets in a bad mood sometimes but for him to be so rude and unkind is a different thing entirely. It shows a lack of respect and a failure of love. I couldn’t live with this and I don’t think you should have to.

I would seriously suggest that you meet him on his own ground by recording his behaviour. You may need this as evidence for divorce purposes anyway, and possibly make him realise that it isn't in his interests to continue.

I feel truly sorry for you living with this it must be making you very anxious and nervous. Please, please look after yourself you do not have to put up with this for weeks on end. I’m sure your friends at the party would have noticed as well

Goodness me lass, that's no way to be living your life.

My ex did this to me for many years. There would be years where he'd do it less - when I was pregnant and breastfeeding he was always much calmer and nicer (because he had confidence that I wouldn't leave during those times, I think). But he'd always go back to this behaviour.

He'd blame something I'd done. He always had an excuse ready - though he'd typically refuse to tell me what I'd done for days or weeks at a time. Looking back, I believe he got great satisfaction from me pleading with him to tell me what I'd done wrong. Made him feel powerful.

In the end I one day realized - it was just that he really didn't like me. He hated me. But having me around boosted his self esteem and I did so much for him practically and sexuallly... So he wanted me around but hated me for the fact that he wanted me around even...

As a pp said, he was just a miserable, shit person who'd somehow decided that the answer was to just torture the woman in his life. He blew off steam by doing it. It made him feel 10 feet tall to see me bothered, worried, crying, begging as a result of his behaviour. He felt like the centre of the universe.

I'm divorcing him now - been separated for a few years. Best thing I ever did.. I rue the day I met him. He played on my greatest weakness, my people pleasing... In effect, he threw down a challenge ("please me enough to make me happy") and I wanted years of my life on it, never realizing that the game was rigged and he was simply extorting more and more energy and attention from me, to boost his ego...

Learn from me op. There is nothing here for you. Leave as soon as you can xx

OP, are you ok?

After many many years of his moodiness, the silent treatment and icy glares I realised my life with him was one long punishment regime - there was never a reason given, I never knew the crime I had committed. Don't waste your life on him, op, he's not worth the candle.

It is abuse. Please seek help and get out of there.

Why would you think you’re being over sensitive?

Your DH is an abusive twat.