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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed at DH about his moods?

99 replies

CostaGuava · 25/08/2018 23:37

Sometimes DH will get in a bad mood that lasts for several weeks. During this mood he treats and speaks to me like shit, and makes 'jokes' about me that aren't funny. My self esteem takes a battering.

Things have been fine for ages but last night he went out and came home drunk, in a bad mood. The bad mood continued all day today. When I pulled him up on it he said he hadn't been in a mood but was now as I'd mentioned moods. He was snappy and off with me all day and kept doing things like shutting the front door in my face when we went into the house even though I had armfuls of stuff!

This evening we went to a friends BBQ and for the whole evening he made it obvious he was in a bad mood with me: the men all talked in a group and the women did too but all of the others would occasionally spend a bit of time with their partner too. If DH came into a room or the garden and I was there he'd just walk off. If anyone else spoke to me he kept coming over and dominating the conversation and excluding me. He was fine and chatty with everyone else but made it clear he wasn't happy with me. He got drunk again and I didn't drink any alcohol so had to drive us home and he just walked off to the car ahead of me and wouldn't speak to me all journey home.

This mood will go on probably for about 2 or 3 weeks now. He says I'm being 'over sensitive' and said 'Is this for real?' when I just tried to ask him why he'd been so horrible at the bbq.

AIBU to be pissed off or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
Parisproperty · 26/08/2018 08:57

OP post again in relationships. You will get loads of good advice. Read some of the other threads there.

Heatherjayne1972 · 26/08/2018 08:59

What would happen if you were the one who gets in these moods!
Would he put up with it?
Why should you ?

NaomiNagata · 26/08/2018 09:02

This is control 101.

He will not change. Counselling will not help since he doesn't see a problem and doesn't want to make changes.

You need to decide; do you want this for the rest of your life? It might be rosey when he's not 'in a mood but then you will have weeks of this... And his behaviour is disgusting. Is this what you want for your life? It's the only life you get... You choose how you spend it.

babbi · 26/08/2018 09:05

OP - I am so sorry that you are being treated like this ... Please carefully read all that you are reading here .. these women genuinely want to help and are pointing out exactly what is going on here..this is emotional abuse.. in particular read the post by KickAssAngel ...... this is targeted at you - he is able to be civil and pleasant to others.....
Never forget that point she makes....
This is not you - you are not sensitive - this is him and his abusive behaviour to you in a domestic situation ...
PLEASE LEAVE - it will not get better -
Good luck x

MrBeansXmasTurkey · 26/08/2018 09:08

Everyone gets in a bit of a mood sometimes, but it normally lasts a few hours or a day, not weeks at a time. And a decent person would still try not to take their mood out on the family too much. So while I would put up with a little of that sort of moodiness, particularly if the person were under some stress, I wouldn't put up with nasty 'jokes' and weeks of moodiness.

keefthebeef · 26/08/2018 09:10

Being in a mood is being a bit down and maybe taking yourself off on your own so you don’t upset the people you love. This man being being an utter bastard and abusive for periods of time - not in a mood.

Lalliella · 26/08/2018 09:15

I've just been left in floods of tears as I tried to talk to him about it and he said I'm pathetic and I'm inventing things and that he's not interested while I'm talking like a child, and that he's going to record me so I can hear what a bitch I sound.

OP this is so sad. You really need to get out of that relationship. He has no respect for you whatsoever. He’s abusing you and grinding down your self esteem. Please get out.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 26/08/2018 09:18

People who love each other don't do this, OP.

It MIGHT be just about understandable (though not excusable) if something massive had just happened, a bereavement or something. Then you might be able to work past it, knowing it's got a hard cause. But if you genuinely don't know what the problem is, and he won't tell you but he will insult you....

bimbobaggins · 26/08/2018 09:19

Op livid with this misery guts will suck the life, happiness and confidence from you.
I’m not one for saying ltb but in all honesty you need to get out of this relationship. I’ve lived in misery like this before and it is soul destroying.
If one of your family members or friends told you they were living like this, what would your advice to them be?

ElspethFlashman · 26/08/2018 09:21

Does he actually hate you?

If a friend treated me like this I'd think they hated me.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 26/08/2018 09:23

Is there somewhere going can go to stay for a few days OP? He’s using you as an emotional punchbag, you need to remove yourself from the situation while you decide what to do next. I agree with people saying LTB to be honest though, life’s too short to stay in an abusive marriage, going through life hoping it won’t be a bad week.

LagunaBubbles · 26/08/2018 09:24

He's a bully and getting off on doing this to you.

Excited0803 · 26/08/2018 09:26

What @MrBeansXmasTurkey said. We can all have a short grump, even about nothing. For it to last days is odd. Shutting the door in your face, saying you sound like a bitch, ignoring you at a party - any one of those actions individually is beyond having a mood and would have me fuming. The big red flag for me though is that he was being nasty while you were crying and trying to sort it out. That shows a lack of love; he had every opportunity to tell you what was wrong (if anything), but he actually wanted you to be upset and in fact even more upset than you already were when you were in tears. He is a cruel man. Please don't spend your life with a cruel man.

AnoukSpirit · 26/08/2018 09:26

These aren't moods, this is classic domestic abuse.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It's not therapy, you're not required to leave him to attend, and it's entirely confidential - nobody will know you even attended. Nobody will judge you, nobody will tell you what to do. The group course is free to attend (12 weeks, 2 hours per week). You don't have to talk in front of the group, you don't have to share. You can just listen. But if you have questions they will answer without judgement or blame.

What they will do is give you the information you need to understand what he's doing, how deliberate and calculated it is, why he does it, the impact it has on you, and what a healthy relationship free from any abuse would look like.

Lack of violence or not is irrelevant. Abuse is about maintaining power and control over you - that's what these "moods" do, bring you back in line, get you walking on eggshells, make you feel too worthless to contemplate leaving or that you could have a happier, better life without him treating you like shit, and it means you never really feel confident or safe in where you stand with him. Abusers only escalate to violence when they feel like their other tactics aren't giving them enough control.

People who genuinely love us and care about us show us that through their actions. They would never treat us the way you're being treated. They want would to build your self esteem, build your confidence, bring joy into your life and see you flourish.

On the other hand, people who are abusing us may tell us they love us more than life itself, but then they make us feel worthless and useless and ugly and unloved and crazy. They make us question our own judgment, they hurt us and behave unreasonably then call us oversensitive. They humiliate us in front of other people and then tell us it was our fault. They make us feel even more lonely than if we lived without any human contact.

Please give some thought to going on the Freedom Programme.

You don't deserve to live like this, and you don't have to.

EssexMummy123456 · 26/08/2018 09:26

Have you heard of the freedom program OP?

MrsST · 26/08/2018 09:27

He sounds like an emotionally abusive arsehole. Anything you do will not be good enough.
I'd definitely be LTB in your circumstances.
How often does he behave like this?
Does he apologise afterwards? Not that, that should make a scrap of difference. If my DH behaved like that he'd be the one getting a door slammed in his face and told to book himself into a hotel until he can behave like a normal human being. He sounds like he's lost all respect for you and the more you try to reason with him the worse it's going to be.
There are plenty of threads on here which do give advice on how to leave arseholes. They're very supportive as well.
He's trying to tear your confidence and make you question everything you're doing.
Do you behave in a way that's true to yourself or do you spend your time pussy footing around in case he does this?
It's no way to live and like a PP said- life is too short.

Mummadeeze · 26/08/2018 09:29

My partner is like this and I have put up with it for 15 years. His current mood has lasted for 18 months (they used to be a lot shorter). I am not exaggerating. Please don’t be like me and live with it. My Dad was treated me the same and my issues run deep, but if you can gather the strength to leave, please do. You get to the point where you feel grateful when they acknowledge you or say something in a normal way to you. And you live for those crumbs. Or you just totally switch off from it and live in a toxic environment for months on end with no engagement or interaction. Neither of which is healthy or satisfying. Sorry you are going through this. It is emotional abuse. 100%

junebirthdaygirl · 26/08/2018 09:34

For today take things into your own hands. Go to your family for the afternoon or to a shopping centre. Don't try to talk or reason with him. Do your own thing. Change the pattern. He is horrible. Let him stew in his own horribleness.
Don't say much ..just as you go out the door with car keys in hand and say..l'm off to see dm for a while in a normal voice and leave immediately. No discussion. If you have no dc stay there for a few hours.
I agree that somehow drink is involved in these moods too. But thats not your concern. You are not his therapist.
But just for today you decide what you are doing and its not sitting around waiting for him to lighten up.

Missingstreetlife · 26/08/2018 09:37

Why do ppl want edit button? You can review your message before sending

ciderhouserules · 26/08/2018 09:52

Op - he hates you.

He's using you.

Get rid.

strawberrisc · 26/08/2018 09:54

Sorry OP but this just continues to reaffirm my own life choices. I've had three major relationships (one a marriage, one gave me a child and one where I was Step-Mum).

I've been single by choice now for nearly 5 years and I have made a vow NEVER to be in a relationship again. I love my life the way it is. I love that I make all my own choices and decisions. I love watching what I want on TV and going where I want, when I want. I have tonnes of friends so I'm never lonely but I actually like my own company as well.

I know it's not for everyone but I'm so much happier now that I don't have to put up with someone else's shit.

NotTheWayISeeIt · 26/08/2018 09:55

Can you imagine putting up with this into old age? No? Me either.... life's too short my love

I'd be making a plan in your shoes

I agree with this. How old are you OP? Do you want to put up with this for the next 40-50-60 years? I'd rather be single

wait68 · 26/08/2018 09:56

Abuse!!! why do you put up with it. He has learned that you will put up with it so carries on. Would you put up with anyone else treating you this way? It's very sad that you can sit there and cry while he is being even more cruel calling you a bitch. My heart goes out to youFlowers sending you showers of strength.

AlexDrake1981 · 26/08/2018 10:10

Oh Costa please don't put up with this any longer! It sounds like he's got you right where he wants you & the abusive, cunty behaviour will only get worse! Dh has a distant friend who is/was like this (don't see him anymore) who is now, unsurprisingly, on his 3rd divorce. Please do not subject yourself to a lifetime of misery & walking on eggshells, & next time he goes to shut the door on you, please kick the fucker back into his face!

Sorry, violence isn't the answer ... Or is it? GrinFlowersWine

AlmaGeddon · 26/08/2018 10:50

I think some men are mysoginists and when something goes wrong in their lives- issue at work, made to look stupid somehow, jealous of someone, footie team lost etc etc they take their anger / disappointment on someone who won't answer back which is usually their DW. They feel angry as their life isn't right and decide it is someone else fault and that someone else should feel bad like they do. I think it might be something to do with their relationship with their mother.
Walk up to him and angrily tell him that if he is disrespectful to you once more he is out that door. He is also a coward so that might fix it but don't stand for this it will make you ill.

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