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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be wound up by this "gift"

129 replies

DieAntword · 25/08/2018 10:46

MIL visits, along with the usual assortment of charity shop toys and t-shirts which have slogans on (which are not my taste but hey, something to wear when doing messy stuff) she always brings she brought her friend's decades old (must be, her kids are adults) mouldy (so lets put this into perspective... it must not have been cleaned in those decades!) potty. A second hand, dirty, potty.

We have a potty. My son is now potty trained and using the toilets. We have no need for a disgusting dirty decades old potty.
I am not sure how I can express how much I don't want this.

I told her we don't need it and she said she had no room for it in the car. This morning I go downstairs and notice she has dumped it in my bottle box. Where the baby bottles live. A decades old mouldy potty.

When I took it to throw it out I made sure she could see what I was doing. She passed no comment whatsoever.

OP posts:
RB68 · 26/08/2018 18:32

Hmm My own mother gave me a potty when dd was training - it was the one that had been mine nearly 40 yrs ago, not only that I am the eldest of 6..... and my mum and her sisters used to loan out stuff, I have 9 cousins of the right sort of age...I just put it in the garage and arranged for it to be disposed of ha ha ha

ktp100 · 26/08/2018 18:32

We have a similar situation with IL's and presents, OP. My family always go OTT on gifts, whereas DP's family tend to buy a few nice ones. I would never expect them to buy more, they buy really lovely, thoughful gifts, but i'm not prepared to tell my GPs to reign it in either, seeing as they have always done it and they enjoy doing it (we all still get a full large sack. I'm 46 and my Mum is 65!). I guess these things are going to happen when families come together at special occassions. Why should either change? I really do hope MIL doesn't feel awkward about it.

Inertia · 26/08/2018 18:46

It’s pretty insulting to present someone with a dirty potty as a gift. Better to give nothing than to demonstrate that all your grandchild is worth is some shitty potty which has been lurking in a garage for god knows how long. To then shove it in with the baby’s bottles is pretty foul.

Tinkobell · 26/08/2018 18:56

photo of the offending item .....please!

Smoothsailing9 · 26/08/2018 19:25

My MIL has one of those kids cups with an integral bendy straw. It was bought for her first grandchild 15 years ago and is wheeled out for each subsequent toddler in the family. The inside of the straw is revolting. It makes me heave but I can’t exactly tell her to get rid of something at her own house! I just always tried to make sure my DCs took their own cups when they were little.

toxic44 · 26/08/2018 19:30

I don't think you've been rude at all. If you just smile and accept dirty, useless items you've said you don't want, it will go from back to worse. Old carrier bags full of once-used Kleenex, perhaps? Half an iced bun from last week? OK, I'm being silly here, but it's better to stop things now. Maybe you were forceful about it but you did it. There was no mistaking your feelings. That's honesty. Keep it up.

quizqueen · 26/08/2018 19:56

I don't think even a clean potty goes with babies' bottles, does it! Relatives who continue to buy unwanted tat have to be told it's not welcome or they will do it forever

carsale · 26/08/2018 20:00

DieAntword, you are not AIBU at all.
Your MIL was disrespectful. You told her you don't need it and she dumped it in your place because she had no room in her car.
Some posters are calling it a help Confused

Did you tell dh about it? Maybe he needs to talk to his mum to stop bringing her garbage to your place.

I don't understand posters calling you rude for throwing dirty, potty in front of her but don't think it's rude (passive aggressive?) of her to gift you /grand child dirty potty. I think these posters are either bitter MILs or simply don't have enough empathy to understand why you are feeling upset about it.

Relationships are mutual, efforts should be from both sides not just OP.

NotBeforeCoffee · 26/08/2018 20:35

Oh god slogan T-shirts. what’s with MILs and slogan T-shirts?
I hate them, they’ve all gone to nursery in case of an accident or 10

MusicalMouse · 26/08/2018 20:36

Sorry but I’m laughing my head off! We have the same here, my MIL brings really horrendous things and it’s become an in joke. We just put pick the one in a million thing that is usable, and thank her for that. I don’t think it’s bad intentions, just hoarding tendencies!

nannykatherine · 26/08/2018 21:45

all these elderly people doing odd things and bringing dirty odd things for you all to
use
obviously first signs of Dementia here

Bluelady · 26/08/2018 22:02

Oh here we go ...

Teacher22 · 27/08/2018 06:18

The over seventies were traumatised by the Second World War and its rationing and shortages and anyone over fifty can remember the comparative deprivation of their upbringing. They were encouraged to ‘make do and mend’ and never waste anything and it was very common for children’s clothes, toys and nursery objects to be handed around until they were virtually in pieces. This early training does not go away. This is the generation that feared debt and saved instead of flashing the credit card.

I think, therefore, that taking things with gritted teeth and tactful thanks and then binning them surreptitiously might be in order.

My in-laws were very old as they had children in their forties and the MIL had a habit of collecting clothes and objects from those who had just died and giving them to us. After receiving one pair of particularly hideous and noxious smelling pair of yellow, flannel pyjamas we then referred to all such gifts as ‘ the dead man’s pyjamas’. It kept us amused for years.

MartyMcFly1984 · 27/08/2018 06:48

She didn't have room in the car? The ar it just came out of? The car that is now more empty than when she left home?

Urbanbeetler · 27/08/2018 07:00

My father unpacked some boxes of stuff he had bought and brought for washing and selling when he was staying at our house while we were away. We came back to an enormous mountain of crumpled, dirty, torn old newspaper and a note saying we could keep it if we liked.

Thanks dad.

deepsea · 27/08/2018 07:02

You would have to be kind of deranged to bring someone a second hand grotty potty for their child.

You have my sympathy op, throwing it out hopefully will send a clear message to her that these types of 'gifts' are unwelcome. Having tried to tell her politely I don't know what else you could have done. The fact she put it in your baby bottle box would be the worst part for me. Throw out the bottles and buy new ones and thank you for her thinking of you but you have everything you need now.

Skittlesandbeer · 27/08/2018 07:24

I would have sat MIL at the kitchen table, spread it with newspaper, set out the bleach spray and a brush then plopped the GMM 🚽 in front of her to clean.

I’d probably have airily said ‘best to give that the once-over before we find it a new home, we can’t very well offer it to friends with black mould all over, can we?’.

And I’d have done it not to be mean, or reciprocate the rudeness she showed, but to remind her that she needed to think and examine things carefully before giving them away. I’d want to save her from people outside the family thinking she was revoltingly anti-social or...potty.

actualpuffins · 27/08/2018 07:28

Even the nicest MILs sometimes clear out their homes and try and palm stuff off on you. Mine used to time it when I'd just done a spring clean myself. DH would come home with a box of old tut "this may come in handy". No it bloody won't!

Willow2017 · 27/08/2018 08:28

The over seventies were traumatised by the Second World War and its rationing and shortages and anyone over fifty can remember the comparative deprivation of their upbringing

Nope we werent deprived at all thanks. And my close relatives who are in thier 70s and 80s would never dream of giving anyone a manky mouldy potty as a gift.
My aunt on her 80s bought her grand daughter a pram for her baby not some crap. (Gdd chose it aunt paid for it)

Every one over 50 is not seriously tight not stupid thanks. People are quite capable of recognising we are not still on rations!

The generalisation of 'elderly' folks is pretty insulting.

dorisdog · 27/08/2018 09:13

Normally, I'd be all 'oh, just be nice in front of her,' but an old, dirty potty in your bottles is horrible. Also, it's a hassle getting rid of stuff! It's a fairly bulky items to fit into your recycling, or try and squeeze into the bin. (Like we have a bin collection every three weeks!) I'm guessing she didn't want to dispose of it herself!

user1486250399 · 27/08/2018 09:17

YANBU
My MIL always does this. She presents me with so much shit we dont want or need for the kids and if I politely decline she says well I dont have room for it. Neither do I!! More shit for me to clear out of the car straight into bin/ charity bag. I have stopped saying thank you and started saying "right ok". Hoping she will think i'm so ungrateful she will stop doing it.

user1486250399 · 27/08/2018 09:21

My sister pulled a baby's dressing gown out of her dog's teddy basket. She had bought it from a charity shop for her dog but it didnt fit him. She handed it to me for my then unborn baby. It was covered in dog hair and dog saliva. She was baffled when I laughed and said no thank you. Then a week later she tried to give it to me again thinking I'd left it there by mistake. I explained I wont be putting something that has been sat in a basket of chew toys onto my newborn son. She said well you could always wash it.

user1486250399 · 27/08/2018 09:24

@Willow2017

You're right - my parents are 72 and bought my kids new lovely gifts when they were born that they asked us to chose.

queenworkerbee · 27/08/2018 10:07

OP, are you me???
My MIL does this all the time! I wouldn't have been able to throw it away in front of her though, I usually wait until she leaves to spare her feelings, I would hate to throw a gift back in someone's face (however manky) and I know it comes from a good place.
We were given a car seat from the 80s that was not suitable for newborn DD and said beforehand we were buying brand new because SH car seats can be dangerous. Still brought it. It lived in our shed for months before DH could be arsed doing a tip run Grin
She also has a habit of only buying yellow sticker food, and doesn't believe in sell by dates so often turns up at our house with meat, cakes etc that she bought reduced three days ago and that subsequently is way past the sell by and not safe for consumption. DH ate some chicken once not knowing it was the reduced stuff that had been snuck into our fridge! He was violently sick for two days afterwards so I now tell her 'really sorry but please don't put gone off food in our fridge, we don't eat things past their sell by, we dont have time nor inclination to spend two days on the toilet following a visit'. She kept doing it, I kept telling her to take it back with her or chuck it and I think it's finally clicked now.

RoboticSealpup · 27/08/2018 10:35

When DD was born, we rented an ancient house with an old outdoor loo in the garden. FIL went in there to clear out and found two enamel dinner plates which he brought inside and placed in the dishwasher! Envy Yuck.