Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be wound up by this "gift"

129 replies

DieAntword · 25/08/2018 10:46

MIL visits, along with the usual assortment of charity shop toys and t-shirts which have slogans on (which are not my taste but hey, something to wear when doing messy stuff) she always brings she brought her friend's decades old (must be, her kids are adults) mouldy (so lets put this into perspective... it must not have been cleaned in those decades!) potty. A second hand, dirty, potty.

We have a potty. My son is now potty trained and using the toilets. We have no need for a disgusting dirty decades old potty.
I am not sure how I can express how much I don't want this.

I told her we don't need it and she said she had no room for it in the car. This morning I go downstairs and notice she has dumped it in my bottle box. Where the baby bottles live. A decades old mouldy potty.

When I took it to throw it out I made sure she could see what I was doing. She passed no comment whatsoever.

OP posts:
AnnabelC · 25/08/2018 12:37

On the other side. My DIL leaves the presents we buy for our 2 gs for their birthdays, Christmas at my house. It’s so disappointing when you have really thought about it. Often asked what they like.

Nanny0gg · 25/08/2018 12:37

My eyesight isn't all that but I can still see mould!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/08/2018 12:40

Miss Reynard didn't spot them. I am putting her name in because it was years ago, she is long gone, as are the people who lived in the flat above me who were called Mr and Mrs Mole

Ratty? Is that you?

Toad here! Grin

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 25/08/2018 12:41

@AnnabelC that might be so the DGC have something really nice to play with at yours, not that she doesn’t appreciate the gift. That’s what I would hope anyway.

AnnabelC · 25/08/2018 12:43

My. Yes you could be right. I have been upset in the past. Will think differently.

BlancheM · 25/08/2018 12:43

Haha my mum used to pull this. Instead of making a trip to the skip, sneakily bag old tat up then hand it to one of the children on the way home from a visit. I started laughing it off and she soon stopped. She knew she was being cheeky.

Original poster
DieAntword · 25/08/2018 12:44

If MiL hasn't much money she'd be better off saving it up for one good thing

Yes of course but she has the issue where she tries to make up for a lack of quality with quantity. In her mind she's in a competition with my parents, that my parents have no idea they're in. They'll spend hundreds on my husband's Christmas present, because to them that's a normal amount for close relatives to get each other, and she gets him a few bits from poundland and feels insulted that my parents got him something expensive and gets upset about it. But my parents weren't trying to upstage her - they don't see why she'd be upset that her son is getting something, they don't see her side which is that she feels like they're showing off that they have more money than her. It's literally a no win situation, the more insecure she feels the more tat she feels like she needs to buy to show she is trying, she doesn't understand the only person in the competition is her and no-one else cares about it. No-one expects her to spend lots of money and no-one thinks any less of her for not having it. It's not her fault she has less money nor my parents fault that they have more but you can't expect people to not get people things just because you feel insecure about it.

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 25/08/2018 12:49

I think your DH needs to talk to her OP.

This behaviour is very odd.

JoanFrenulum · 25/08/2018 12:49

Flexo LOL @ giant mouldy megapotty

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 25/08/2018 12:53

Ooh, that is a bit insensitive of your parents OP!

ImAIdoot · 25/08/2018 12:56

People have different standards.

According to hers, do you think she meant to give you a gift in kindness?

If I thought that I would probably say thank you and bin it after they left. I think whether YWBU depends on what you think her intentions were.

ImAIdoot · 25/08/2018 12:58

Just read update. I think YABU a tiny bit, I would make her feel like her efforts were welcome even when they aren't, as long as it's well-intended, and not doing anyone any harm.

Original poster
DieAntword · 25/08/2018 13:00

Ooh, that is a bit insensitive of your parents OP!

Should no-one ever be allowed to get my husband anything that costs more than a couple of quid because his mother can't afford it? Seems a bit unfair on him.

And while we're tiptoeing around people's insecurities he always feels like my parents don't really like him (not true at all) and them getting him something similar in level to what they get me helps disabuse him of the notion.

OP posts:
Original poster
DieAntword · 25/08/2018 13:03

According to hers, do you think she meant to give you a gift in kindness?

I find it really hard to understand how anyone could think a mouldy potty was a kindness really.

She's not super old or heading to senility (as far as we know) so I don't think it can be blamed on that, but like everyone she does of course have her issues.

I'm not keeping a mouldy potty for her sake though. Maybe I was wrong to bin it in front of her, but I had already told her I didn't want it.

OP posts:
Myimaginarycathasfleas · 25/08/2018 13:10

Should no-one ever be allowed to get my husband anything that costs more than a couple of quid because his mother can't afford it?

I think there’s a happy medium between a “couple of quid” and the “hundreds” mentioned upthread.

Maelstrop · 25/08/2018 13:12

And the bad eyesight thing that a PP mentioned - I gave to wash up after DH sometimes because he hasn't seen blobs of food, smears of oil etc. His eyesight is seriously blurry and I imagine black mould would look more like a grey shadow without his glasses on!

Someone better alert the DVLA, then, cos mil is still driving! Behave yourself, regardless of the dirt, the O0 said no yet mil still dumped it. Beyond rude.

llangennith · 25/08/2018 13:29

You'd told her you didn't want it and she still snuck it into your home.
I'd have binned it too but I'd probably have warned her first that either she takes it away or it's binned now.
YANBU.
You can't spend your life pussyfooting around someone who won't listen and take notice when they're told, "No thank you. We don't want it."

Maddy70 · 25/08/2018 14:12

My mil always did things like this. Used to drive me bonkers BUT I was always conscience that these gifts were brought with kindness and good intentions. No need to be mean to her

Original poster
DieAntword · 25/08/2018 14:34

I think there’s a happy medium between a “couple of quid” and the “hundreds” mentioned upthread.

Thing is, it's based on what's "normal" for you. For you and me a normal spend on a gift is like 20-50 quid probably? For my parents it's 200 quid. For my MIL its £5. Now, that's fine because we all have different budgets. My parents don't get the slightest insulted if I buy them a £20 gift because they know I don't have hundreds to spend, it's not a competition, they just like getting things for us and feeling like they're spoiling us (and now especially the grandkids a bit) - it's not about anyone else.

But my MIL does get insulted. She would get insulted even with a £50 gift. She is insulted that me and my husband get our food shop at waitrose (even though mysupermarket.com shows our basket would not actually be cheaper at morrisons delivery charge taken into account), she is insulted if we buy baby clothes at John Lewis or something (like not even somewhere genuinely upmarket, just somewhere with a brand targeting that is slightly more middle class) instead of Primark or a charity shop. Anyone spends more than she can afford on anything, or even if they don't spend more but spend it somewhere she thinks of as expensive, and she sees it as trying to show off. There's no point trying to pander to that because it would mean we had to follow her tastes in everything.

OP posts:
Belindabauer · 25/08/2018 15:02

Op
I think we must be related because my mum is exactly like this.
We both like gardening but whilst I have spend money on winter and spring plants, she will not.
i haven't spent a lot, but I wanted to make sure I have lots of colour in my new garden.
My mum told me I must be stupid and have money to burn buying expensive plants rather than settling for cast offs from what other people have.

Yet she smokes 😠

CSIblonde · 25/08/2018 15:39

Why give her ammunition. Smile sweetly then bin. If she's a hoarder & loves tat she's hardly going to change. Does she know you don't like constant 'gifts' & the dirty potty was deliberate button pushing perhaps?

HerRoyalNotness · 25/08/2018 17:34

I’m still laughing about the rat skull! Grin

I’m with you OP, I’m always so careful what I pass on or give to charity shops. Our neighbour gave us an old $10 stroller they had that had a dodgy wheel and a duct taped up handle in case we needed it for the new baby. Sure nice of them, but I had to wait until they were on holiday to bin it.

Bekstar · 26/08/2018 17:58

Sounds like someone I know lol, always tries to dump second hand shit on us, last week it was a tin opener and one of those salad shaker, cutter things that you have to hold and pull. I turned them down as I only have one hand and couldn't use either anyway and have everything I need that is adapted. I mean she couldn't miss the tin opener cos it's fixed to my bench and it's electric and the multi chopper that is also electric and auctioned to bench is right next to it. The ones she shared with us was rusty tin opener one of those old ones that are almost falling apart and never work even in tow hands and the salad mixer was missing a few parts. At least now she has started taking things back since she gave me an old hoover which was beyond using safely, wires damaged etc. Tried to give her that back and she wouldn't take it so I ripped the insides out and filled it with soil and stood it out in front garden making an upcycled planter from it.

Smudge100 · 26/08/2018 18:12

There us no end to the passive aggressive potential of MILs. I think you were very restrained not to comment on how disgusting it was to put the bacteria-ridden, unhygienic thing next to your bottles!

CasanovaFrankenstein · 26/08/2018 18:21

A rat's skull!! ConfusedShock