Not invited to DSis Baby Shower

[LostMarblesAgain]

So as the title says, I wasn't invited to my DSis baby shower. This is my only DSis and we were always close right up until she got engaged. My DH and I included her in everything- holidays, family events, parties, day-to-day stuff....my home was her home and my door was always open.
Her DH has always been civil (even friendly) but I always felt there's something not quite right there. He's good to her ( if you ignore that he's lazy & allows her to wait on him hand & foot) and they seem happy.
Since she got engaged, there's been a distance. She doesn't visit any more, takes no interest in my kids who adore her (this was once reciprocated), and seems to find reason to be annoyed with me regardless of what I do. In parallel, she's grown close to her DH family & makes a fuss of his DNs regularly.
Wedding happened & I did my best by her (hen, gifts, advice, treats & day itself), but the distance has grown. Now she is nearing the end of her 1st pregnancy & I've tried to be there for her. Again, she's civil & not interested in the advice I offer (our mom is dead, so I try to fulfill that role insofar as I can. I know how it feels to go through pregnancy and childbirth without your mom. My instinct is to help her as much as I can).
Last week, I had to travel with work. I was gone for a week. I arrive home to gushing Facebook posts from DSis thanking her DH's sisters for throwing her an amazing surprise baby shower. Neither me nor my DD were even invited. Just her DH family & all her friends. AIBU to feel upset?

So you didn't have to go to a cringey, made-up thing where you'd have been expected to give presents and play ridiculous games? You lucky thing.

That's really hurtful but if it was a surprise baby shower it might not be your sister who was the dick.

What stands out to be is that she doesn’t take your advice. Do you think you’ve stepped into the mother role a bit too much and she’ was finding it overbearing, even though you did not intend it to be so?

Baby showers are not my thing & I've never had one myself (or even attended one). I prefer to do something quieter & more personal with the M2B, which I did with DSis. However, it still stings that this party was arranged and her only DSis & DN were not invited.
Can't help feeling that her DH and/or his family have a really poor opinion of me- and if so, why? What must DSis and/or her DH have said to them to lead them to think that it was ok to exclude DD & I?

Might not be your sister who’s the dick for not inviting you but if my sister had been left out of something like that I wouldn’t be on Facebook thanking those who’d left her out

YANBU op. I’d cut contact and see if she approaches you

Again, she's civil & not interested in the advice I offer (our mom is dead, so I try to fulfill that role insofar as I can. I know how it feels to go through pregnancy and childbirth without your mom. My instinct is to help her as much as I can)

Do you think she maybe finds you overbearing and patronising?

Yes, @TheBlueDot I've become hyper-conscious of being the overbearing big sister, and I've pulled way back from the place my instincts would take me!
I constantly bite my lip & consider the advice I give, always prefacing with a 'you know best' stance. I really don't think this issue is on me as I've been super-sensitive (most unlike me ;) )

Maybe she wants a sister and not a sister who is trying to take the place of her mum?
Also it is not her fault you were not invited.

@toomanychilder I try not to be overbearing & I'm conscious of this being her journey. My instinct is to protect her, but I've been fighting that for some time now.

You keep mentioning advice etc. Could she feel that you're constantly telling her what she should be doing, and now about to be a mother, she's just had enough?

@abacucat I'm not trying to take the place of our mum, but I am trying to be there for her. I'm trying to be the best sister I can be. Am I doing something wrong?
I don't blame her for our not being invited to her shower, but equally, I don't understand why we were excluded.

I would feel upset if this were me too. Unless there is a no contact situation an invite should be given to family in something like this. It's not very nice to leave someone out

The fact you have to preface with a ‘you know best’ stance indicates that you are giving her unsolicited advice.

I have a family member like this, it’s like she can’t help but pass on her knowledge whether it’s wanted or not.

There’s no way I’d say anything - it would hurt her feelings, I know she’d get upset and then angry that I considered her to be making critical comments.

@saoirse31 - God no, I would never force advice on anyone. I don't give advice unless asked, but I take an interest, ask about appointments, suggest things that might help with things she has struggled with.

Forgot to say - what I have done is stop seeing her so much. She’s probably wondering why she’s being excluded, just like you are. It’s because I can’t take the comments anymore. Could you reflect on how your sister perceives you?

Other issue may be that her DH knows you are not keen on him, so that he isn't keen to socialise with you?

God, maybe I just need to nod & smile? I only wish I had someone who gave me advice & was a sounding board for my worries. I had nobody to talk to. I was first of my friends & family to have a baby and I wished I had someone, I tried to be this person for DSis, but maybe she isn't interested? If I'd just nodded & smiled, maybe DD and I would've been included?

Her sister in laws probably just asked who they knew. Or her husband told them you were away.

Does she ask you for advice? I know you're trying to help but my first pregnancy was full of 'advice' that was no way relevant to me like eating ginger fucking biscuits.

@TheBlueDot I understand your point, but your friend/relative wouldn't bother unless they care, I expect, Please don't cut out those who care enough to share their advice/experience. It may not be needed, but judge on whether it's coming from a good place xx

Of course you are upset. You weren't invited to your sister's baby shower (whether you like or agree with baby showers). It's the fact you weren't invited. And I don't buy that she didn't invite you, her SIL knew she has a sister, why didn't they invite you? There is obviously a reason why you weren't invited. I don't get posters trying to push the blame on you.

I would send a text saying you saw the posts about her baby shower and that you are happy she enjoyed herself. I'd tell her you weren't invited and ask was it an oversight or have you done something to upset her?

Could her DH be very controlling with her and jealous of your relationship? Seems odd if you were close before...

Unless she asks for advice, just don't give it. Honestly, it's not automatically a mother's role either. My mother didn't advise me on my pregnancy, and I'd probably have ignored her if she tried.

You say it's a surprise baby shower that the other side of the family threw for her.
Surprise - as in she didn't know about it and therefore will have had no hand in the invites.

You also sound like you just tolerate her husband. That could be a factor too, maybe they've picked up on it?

I know it comes from a good place, but there’s only so much I can take without snapping and causing a massive rift. So limited contact is the way to go for me.

I’m not putting blame on you as PP says, there probably is more going on here.

It’s just that I can see my relative saying exactly what you are. She doesn’t get that I need to learn things for myself. Her advice comes across as very critical (as if I am too stupid to work things out for myself). I know it comes from a good place but she just can’t see how her behaviour towards me pushes me away, because she thinks she’s doing it for my own good.

I wasn't invited to my SIL's hen. There's no 'distance' or anything and we get on well although not BFFs but I think it was arranged by her DSis and family so they didn't really think to invite me.

I know it feels shitty but sometimes the ones organising just don't think or have something else in mind from what you might expect.