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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to DSis Baby Shower

51 replies

LostMarblesAgain · 24/08/2018 22:45

So as the title says, I wasn't invited to my DSis baby shower. This is my only DSis and we were always close right up until she got engaged. My DH and I included her in everything- holidays, family events, parties, day-to-day stuff....my home was her home and my door was always open.
Her DH has always been civil (even friendly) but I always felt there's something not quite right there. He's good to her ( if you ignore that he's lazy & allows her to wait on him hand & foot) and they seem happy.
Since she got engaged, there's been a distance. She doesn't visit any more, takes no interest in my kids who adore her (this was once reciprocated), and seems to find reason to be annoyed with me regardless of what I do. In parallel, she's grown close to her DH family & makes a fuss of his DNs regularly.
Wedding happened & I did my best by her (hen, gifts, advice, treats & day itself), but the distance has grown. Now she is nearing the end of her 1st pregnancy & I've tried to be there for her. Again, she's civil & not interested in the advice I offer (our mom is dead, so I try to fulfill that role insofar as I can. I know how it feels to go through pregnancy and childbirth without your mom. My instinct is to help her as much as I can).
Last week, I had to travel with work. I was gone for a week. I arrive home to gushing Facebook posts from DSis thanking her DH's sisters for throwing her an amazing surprise baby shower. Neither me nor my DD were even invited. Just her DH family & all her friends. AIBU to feel upset?

OP posts:
Original poster
LostMarblesAgain · 24/08/2018 23:41

Thanks so much for everyone for their insightful responses. I've always equated advice with caring and it's clearly not that simple.
I suspect that DSis DH is not a fan of mine or my DH. We are very different people with a different approach to life. I live & let live, but there have been many digs over the years which DH and I have ignored. Her DH would have needed to provide the friend list and I suspect intentionally excluded us. Had it been my baby shower, my DH would never have begun to consider excluding my only DSis & DN. It's disappointing that DSis finds our exclusion acceptable though.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 24/08/2018 23:41

Could you tell her you’re upset and try and clear the air with her? I would have been very hurt too.

SassitudeandSparkle · 24/08/2018 23:42

I prefer to do something quieter & more personal with the M2B, which I did with DSis

OP, you'd already got your bit in before the in-laws by the sound of it!

I can sense your hurt. But - if it was arranged by her in-laws and was a surprise, she wouldn't have had a chance to invite you. You've said yourself that she is not interested in your advice and it's time to go back to being a sister. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, but she doesn't want you to take your mother's place by what you've said here. She's not you, she doesn't want the same things and you seem to have some difficulty with that.

You say you are acting on instinct. I think you are acting on what you would have wanted, and not what she wants. You may be doing it with the best of intentions but you are ignoring her really - listen to her without imposing your own ideas on what she wants.

Original poster
LostMarblesAgain · 24/08/2018 23:50

DSis is quite passive really, no strong opinions to give a clue as to her likes / dislikes, so I have no guide to go by.
I guess I just worry that if I don't try to help, she'll think I don't care. She will never ask for help, by the way. Just carries on until she has a meltdown.
This is all great experience for when my kids grow up. I'll be the best MIL ever when the time comes ;)

OP posts:
whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 25/08/2018 00:32

Give her space. Be open to things changing. It must hurt though. Sorry OP.

fattyboomboomboom · 25/08/2018 01:02

OP - perhaps you are a bit stuck in the role of big sister where really you are both adults and should be equals. It took my sister and I quite a long time for her to respect me as an equal and an adult as she is quite a few years older than me. She also perceived me as passive where I was simply not rocking the boat but quietly very pissed off. Perhaps let the baby shower slide completely and in time find things to ask her advice on - anything.

GreenTulips · 25/08/2018 01:13

I guess I just worry that if I don't try to help, she'll think I don't care

You see most people I know have a problem of some sort and will want to rant and get things off their chests - they want someone to listen and generally agree with them.

What they don't want is advice on what to do next.

'God Sally was such a botch at work today ...
'Well maybe she has a disagreement with her boyfriend this morning?'
'No she stormed in the office and...
'Well perhaps her journey was difficult ...

It's so frustrating, so you don't then mention anything because it's such hard work when people don't listen and try and sort the issues out ....

fattyboomboomboom · 25/08/2018 01:40

Greentulips - that's good advice Grin

I see myself and my adult DS in that exchange because I'm always looking to put a positive spin on his moans and complaints. How could that conversation go differently?

GreenTulips · 25/08/2018 01:50

You just need to be sounding board and agree with some of it, let them rant and get it off their chest, then they can let it go and move on.

It's doesn't make them bad people for having ranty thoughts and getting angry, but keeping it bottled up so worse!!

'Sally's been a right bitch today.. '
'What happened?
Blah blah
'Well I can see why you'd be annoyed'
Rant rant rant
'I'd have been upset as well...' Smile

You sint have to make excuses for others bed behaviour, but you should try to make your loved one feel better mentally by allowing them to rant (we all do it!)

TheStopAndChat · 25/08/2018 02:32

Am I doing something wrong?

Clearly, yes.
I can see, and I hope your sister can see, that it comes from a good place. I understand that you're hurt and tbh I would be too.
I do think though that there is possibly a real lack of self awareness around how you may be treating your sister without meaning to. Following this thread, it seems that you aren't really listening to what people are saying. Really listening and considering the opinions and experiences of others.

It's tough. I, and I'm sure everyone else, can see that you mean well and that you love your sister. I'm just not sure that the way you think you come across is actually the way you do

Iwant2breakfree · 25/08/2018 02:35

Sorry but id be petty and comment thanx for the invite

Dollymixture22 · 25/08/2018 07:23

I’d ask why I wasn’t invited. Say you would have loved to be there.

Sounds like you have been a bit much with the advice. I
To be honest it would drive me nuts. Only give advice when asked. I have a friend who acts like a wise old owl offering sage wisdom to all. No one enjoys spending time with her anymore.

Maude apologise, say you have been overcompensating for the loss of your mum and from now on you will just be her sister

Westworldmaeve · 25/08/2018 07:32

She's your sister, maybe you should talk to her about this and try to resolve it. You grew up together, your relationship should be able to take an unconfortable conversation.

CSIblonde · 25/08/2018 07:40

In the nicest possible way I would resent a sibling mothering me because it implies I'm a child & it's an unequal relationship. Maybe that's her thought process now she's an adult who has a baby of her own on the way.

Original poster
LostMarblesAgain · 25/08/2018 08:39

Thanks all. Lots of really good advice there. It helps to have other perspectives

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 25/08/2018 08:48

You sound very overbearing. She has her own life and family now. You need to let her get on with it and stop patronising her.
If you were away for work, how could you be at a surprise baby shower?

Marriedwithchildren5 · 25/08/2018 08:54

No. Yanbu. I'm close with my sister and I'd wonder why she hadn't been invited. I'd message her before she had a chance to see it all on fb at least.

Your sister sounds thoughtless and tbf mean. You shouldn't have to bite your lip around family.

WhatAnAbsolutePenis · 25/08/2018 09:02

I can't stand the idea of baby showers but that's a red herring here.
It's the way the situation was played out and the tip of the ice berg.

You need to ask her what's going on, why you aren't as close anymore. It may well be that her friends arranged the baby shower and it was a surprise. But it's telling that the friends didn't even think to invite her sister. Why would that be?

Maybe email her if it's easier. That will give her a chance to think about her response and give her a chance to be honest.

This isn't about a baby shower, this is about a splintered sister relationship and that's worth sorting out.

Best of luck.

Makemineboozefree · 25/08/2018 09:21

I was first of my friends & family to have a baby and I wished I had someone, I tried to be this person for DSis, but maybe she isn't interested?

Clearly you've been coming from a place of love and concern, but maybe it's coming across like you're being a know-it-all? I had a friend who was like this because she was the first in our group to have kids and it was like she was the only person in the world to have ever given birth! Perhaps your sister would like to work things out for herself, do things her own way, and feels she can't talk to you because you impose your views on her? Could you be having the reverse effect and are undermining her confidence as a first-time mother and your BIL's sisters took it upon themselves not to invite you so she could enjoy the baby shower without feeling like she's being lectured to?

You sound like a lovely, caring person, but you need to stop trying to be her mum and just be her sister. Let her know you'll always be there for her when she wants you and just give her some space.

Phineyj · 25/08/2018 09:55

Your post really resonated with me as I have similar issues with my DSis but we are much further down the line (she has a 12 year old and 10 year old and our relationship has been dodgy ever since she got married and had them both). For the record, I do like my DBIL - the situation is not his fault.

In my case it was not being invited to her 40th birthday party (not maliciously - it apparently hadn't even occurred to her or her DH that I'd like to go) that was a big wake up call that the relationship I thought we had didn't actually exist. We do have DPs but that just causes confusion as my DM in particular acts like I have a lovely close relationship with my DSis and constantly passes on snippets of news, photos etc - to the point that sometimes I question reality! I just don't bother with her much now although I'm always pleased to see her at my DPs.

Anyway, my advice is that as with all relationships, it takes two to tango. Try to maintain a good relationship with her, meet up one on one if you can, remain civil to the DH (my DH and DSis don't particularly like each other and there have been times this has made things awkward, but they've at least remained civil). Don't give advice. If moaning is taking place, just say something repeatedly along the lines of "gosh that sounds stressful, would you like a cup of tea?" Remember that your relationship with your future niece or nephew will only happen if you have a reasonable relationship with DSis and her DH. I have had to sacrifice having much of a relationship with my DNieces unfortunately.

I am in my mid 40s and I would say I know more people with a strained (or no) relationship with their siblings than I do people with a close one, so you're not alone. It's early days for you and I think you can salvage something if you stay civil with the DH, don't try to be her mum and keep the channels of communication open.

I am sorry for your loss of your DM Flowers.

Phineyj · 25/08/2018 09:56

Sorry what I meant to say (in case not obvious) is that it takes to two to tango so unfortunately you can't have a close relationship with someone who doesn't want one, for whatever reason.

LostInShoebiz · 25/08/2018 10:53

How do you know she finds your not being invited acceptable? She could hardly throw up her hands and refuse to participate when she saw you weren’t there.

Does the organiser even have your contact details to invite you?

SinkGirl · 25/08/2018 11:02

I think you should talk to her directly and ask her what’s going on or you’ll never know. Difficult but necessary.

NameChange30 · 25/08/2018 11:11

Hmmm. There seems to be a lot of assumptions and projection on this thread. Maybe the OP’s sister finds her overwhelming and doesn’t want her advice, maybe not. But given that they were close before she got married, and the DH dislikes the OP, that probably has a lot more to do with it. Either way, none of us can say for sure. OP, the only way to find out is to talk to your sister! I suggest you say that you’ve noticed that the two of you aren’t as close as you were before and ask if you’ve done anything to upset her. Don’t make it about blaming her or her DH, don’t make it about the baby shower (although you could mention that you were disappointed not to be invited, depending on how the conversation goes) just focus on the fact that you love and miss her and don’t want to put any pressure on her but just want to understand if there is anything wrong.

HannahnotAgnes · 25/08/2018 11:22

I think AnotherEmma's advice is spot on.

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