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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to wedding tonight?

84 replies

LucyDontLockIt · 24/08/2018 12:35

Have known friend for around 4 years. We're not massively close but have been out a couple of times with hubbies in tow. They get on well but I always get the impression that they see DH as a bit of a joke and they take the piss out of him a fair bit. Admittedly he can be a bit of a clown but he's an intelligent bloke, good job, very skilled and he'll be friends with anyone - very sociable and down to earth but I just get the feeling they laugh at him rather than with him.

WE've stayed at their house a couple of times which was obviously very hospitable of them. First time was great but 2nd time they again took the piss out of DH a lot, caught them a few times exchanging glances when we spoke. They ripped the piss out of a gift DH had taken down and started banging on about how their other friends were going a couple of nights later and taking home cooked beef etc etc ... just made us feel a bit like the "rough" friends that they tolerate iyswim?? They're quite posh, DH and I (despite being "on paper" quite well off, financial more so than they are!) are I suppose a bit rough, we both grew up on council estates, we drink lager, we're not tidy or organised so we seem like unlikely friends anyway.

A few months ago one of their family burst out laughing at the thought of DH and I being together saying that he assumed DH was gay - he said this to his face. It all got laughed off but I felt a bit sad for DH really (who was great and laughed it off but I could tell he was embarrassed).
It's their wedding do tonight and DH and I are invited. I accepted months ago but we've hardly been in touch since. We were meant to be going to their house a few weeks back, I had to cancel for health issues and I got a text back saying it was fine as they were looking forward to a quiet weekend anyway. Didn't quite know how to take that.

I've not been the best mate I admit, I cancel plans a lot and don't always respond to texts until weeks later. I have mental health issues and I'm shit at human interaction!

We won't know anyone at the wedding, that bloke that called DH gay will be there, it's miles out of the way and we go on holiday on Monday and haven't even packed yet. WIBU not to go? It would spell the end of the friendship.

OP posts:

SnailMailFan · 24/08/2018 13:49

No way, they sound vile. Your poor husband sounds lovely. I’ve had something similar (although with family members), thinking my lovely husband wasn’t ‘good enough’ for me, because hes quiet, and had a very ordinary job, although I’m also quiet and ordinary. As luck would have it, 21 years later we’re still married, they’re not, and husband has a far better job. Not that it matters.

How DARE people judge you both. You don’t need people like them in your lives.

Firenight · 24/08/2018 13:50

Your post complaining about their treatment of you and your husband is irrelevant really. It’s not on to just not turn up, if you have replied to say you will be there.

mostdays · 24/08/2018 13:50

I'd send a last minute excuse. Illness or something. I wouldn't spend time with people who treated my dh like shit and I certainly wouldn't ask him to spend time with them.

LeftRightCentre · 24/08/2018 13:56

It's an evening do, don't bother. No gift, either. And honestly, why did you even hang round these people when they took the piss out of your H? Fuck that.

GreatWesternValkyrie · 24/08/2018 13:59

Quite rude to just not show up because you can’t be arsed to go to an event that you RSVPd to (despite their unpleasant sounding behaviour). However, it’s one way to bring the friendship to an end in a short, sharp manner vs trying to let it fizzle out. Only you know if you can be comfortable with your choice and the subsequent outcome...

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 24/08/2018 14:00

It sounds like the kind of 'friendship' that I'd be glad to see the back of. It's probably not really on to just not go, but I can't say I'd judge you if you didn't. They sound awful!

ChocolateWombat · 24/08/2018 14:01

You say you've often cancelled on them last minute - it makes you a flaky friend. If you do it tonight, they might not be surprised, because you've not been reliable. If you've decided you do t want to be friends with them, why not finish it the right way - go to their wedding for a couple of drinks and then just ease out of the friendship by not accepting or making invitations - so much better than accepting invitations and just not going and cancelling all the time.

This isn't really about how they have treated you - it's not news to you today, on their wedding day, this is about you and if you think it's okay and are willing to be flakey and let people down last minute - totally your choice of behaviour.

End the friendship if you want, but to do it on someone's wedding day seems extremely harsh and I'd say you'd have to really dislike them to do this purposely.

I just wonder - if you say you cancel on people a lot, is it usually because you decide they've done something to annoy you and you sort of justify it to yourself through this - do you lie about the reasons - and all this say there is a case of D and V is a lie isn't it - so do you have form for being an unreliable friend who instead of seeing friendship just sees people getting at herself and her husband all the time? I just wonder. Perhaps it's worth thinking about how often you have cancelled on people and why. It's not a great thing to do. How about deciding to do it less often and starting by going to the wedding and then deciding if the friendship should continue. If it shouldn't, don't accept invitations and then pull out...just don't accept them at the start.

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 24/08/2018 14:01

Personally I would go, drop the gift and card, stay for a drink/the first dance/cake cutting then see how you feel. If nothing else you get a free dinner

Then distance yourselves from the friendship - friends who don’t make you feel good about yourselves aren’t friends.

crazydoglady6867 · 24/08/2018 14:04

I would go, if only for the free buffet! They won't even notice your presence anyway they will be too busy with other guests. I would go, take a card and scoff the buffet then not bother them again.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 24/08/2018 14:05

Whatever you think of this couple and their friends, it would be rude to have accepted their invitation and then not turn up. I have a few suggestions that could make the evening more enjoyable:

Buy the couple a charity gift like a sponsored toilet in the third world or protecting the rhinos or similar. If there’s a wedding list, ignore it.

The guy that says your DH is gay - tell him that he must fancy your DH because he keeps mentioning it. Or better still wink at him and say I ‘I can assure you that DH is all heterosexual man!’

Enjoy the evening. Make sure that you and DH are seen smooching on the dance floor.

SassitudeandSparkle · 24/08/2018 14:09

How is your husband a clown? What does he do that makes you say that - is it attention seeking behaviour, because yes that would grate after a bit tbh.

It does sound as if you cancelled the last meet up because you didn't want to go (you said health reasons - is that anxiety?) and it would be really rude to flake out on the wedding reception tbh.

If you do have anxiety it is not unknown for sufferers to over-think stuff - especially stuff said by others. As a PP said, none of this happened yesterday yet today when you are due to go out is the day that it is now essential that you avoid them.

If you don't want to continue the friendship just be 'busy' on all suggested dates, why make yourself look bad by not turning up?

Willow2017 · 24/08/2018 14:12

Its just the eveming do they really wont care if you go or not and let them find someone else to laugh at.

Btw did you ever ask them.why they think you and dh are so funny or stand up for your dp? I wouldnt allow do called friends to be taking the p out of my partner every time we met and I would have stopped seeing them if it continued.

They are not friends, you are thier amusement. Dont go to the 'do'. Cut them out its not healthy to be constantly made fun of.

marns · 24/08/2018 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lindy2 · 24/08/2018 14:19

You've replied that you are going so it would be pretty poor manners to change your mind at such short notice.
Go along for a night out together, enjoy the food and drink and take the opportunity to correct the behaviour of anyone who is rude to your DH or you tonight. Then let the friendship fade if you want to.

derxa · 24/08/2018 14:22

This is MN at its finest. What is the worst that could happen if you went to the wedding? Does your DH want to go? Just go armed with a gift and if it's not fun then leave after a decent amount of time.

StripLynchet · 24/08/2018 14:26

Go, get shitfaced and dance provocatively with the bride's dad. Exit noisily, mooning the room as you hand over a "with sympathy" card containing a fiver.

That should do the trick.

Hogtini · 24/08/2018 14:36

Yes to Strip's idea!
Personally I'd be looking forward to getting in my pjs with a bottle of wine instead.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 24/08/2018 14:39

I've not been the best mate I admit, I cancel plans a lot and don't always respond to texts until weeks later. I have mental health issues and I'm shit at human interaction!

Tbh you all sound as bad as each other. I'd go to be polite as they've paid and then quietly disappear.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 24/08/2018 14:51

I was close friends with a group of people, until my Dh's significant birthday when piss was ripped out of him and some of his work mates. Then I found out his hobby was a point of fun amongst them all. I went home, cried my eyes out at it then barely spoke to them again. Fuck em op.

cholka · 24/08/2018 14:51

Go. Have a dance and eat nice things. Don't keep seeing them if you don't enjoy their company.
If you're on the fence about whether you like them, a wedding can be a good place to make your mind up as it's kind of a concentrated expression of what the couple is like!

TwoBlueShoes · 24/08/2018 14:52

I also think this may all be in your head a bit. They must like you if they invite you to stay and invited you to their wedding.

I think you should go, and I also think you should keep working on improving your MH issues.

I know it's not easy, but try to go and have fun.

greendale17 · 24/08/2018 15:11

Yes they sound like idiots but why did you agree to go to the wedding in the first place?

Not turning up to someone’s wedding when they have paid for you is very rude. You should never have agreed to go.

babybrain77 · 24/08/2018 16:20

They sound obnoxious, but you have said you will go so I think you should go. Then if you want to end the friendship afterwards then you can. You say you don't think they will notice if you don't go - perhaps not, but they will have paid for things on a per person basis and it's not the best time to make a statement about how you feel about them on their wedding day.

I think if it were me, I would just show my face (get some cake!) then head home.

FromNowOn · 24/08/2018 16:22

Have to say though having a friend who cancels plans a lot is really irritating. One of my friends does it last minute and has done for years, now my friends and I just expect it. It’s fucking annoying.

TacoLover · 24/08/2018 16:26

The I'd feel a bit shit if people kept taking the piss out of me and my spouse didn't stick up for me even once...

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