To not go to wedding tonight?

[LucyDontLockIt]

Have known friend for around 4 years. We're not massively close but have been out a couple of times with hubbies in tow. They get on well but I always get the impression that they see DH as a bit of a joke and they take the piss out of him a fair bit. Admittedly he can be a bit of a clown but he's an intelligent bloke, good job, very skilled and he'll be friends with anyone - very sociable and down to earth but I just get the feeling they laugh at him rather than with him.

WE've stayed at their house a couple of times which was obviously very hospitable of them. First time was great but 2nd time they again took the piss out of DH a lot, caught them a few times exchanging glances when we spoke. They ripped the piss out of a gift DH had taken down and started banging on about how their other friends were going a couple of nights later and taking home cooked beef etc etc ... just made us feel a bit like the "rough" friends that they tolerate iyswim?? They're quite posh, DH and I (despite being "on paper" quite well off, financial more so than they are!) are I suppose a bit rough, we both grew up on council estates, we drink lager, we're not tidy or organised so we seem like unlikely friends anyway.

A few months ago one of their family burst out laughing at the thought of DH and I being together saying that he assumed DH was gay - he said this to his face. It all got laughed off but I felt a bit sad for DH really (who was great and laughed it off but I could tell he was embarrassed).
It's their wedding do tonight and DH and I are invited. I accepted months ago but we've hardly been in touch since. We were meant to be going to their house a few weeks back, I had to cancel for health issues and I got a text back saying it was fine as they were looking forward to a quiet weekend anyway. Didn't quite know how to take that.

I've not been the best mate I admit, I cancel plans a lot and don't always respond to texts until weeks later. I have mental health issues and I'm shit at human interaction!

We won't know anyone at the wedding, that bloke that called DH gay will be there, it's miles out of the way and we go on holiday on Monday and haven't even packed yet. WIBU not to go? It would spell the end of the friendship.

They sounds awful, why did you accept knowing how they are like, and how to bully your dh! I would cancel going to the wedding, and distance myself from them!

The fact that you feel that they have been rude to you and your dh does not really give you an excuse to be equally rude by not turning up at such short notice. I assume it is an evening reception where the catering will be a buffet or something similar so two fewer people will not be too noticeable.

I think you have to cross your fingers behind your back and send an email with a lie about a sudden stomach upset that you don't want to pass on to other guests, wish them well but then withdraw from the friendship. They probably won't even see the email until later but at least it will be on record.

Enjoy your holiday. Hope karma doesn't give you a real stomach upset

You sound as if you don’t particularly like them, or the dynamics of the friendship anyway, and you are only going to the evening part so why go ? Doesn’t sound like either couple is going to mourn the loss of a very minor acquaintanceship - there may have been an initial spark of friendship between you and the woman but you don’t gel as couples.

It's rude not to go
But fucking hell they've been ruder

Evening do?

These people are not your friends, if someone ridiculed my DH like you describe I wouldn't bother with them again. As I've got older I have realised that you can choose who to invite into your life and who you allow to stay, like border control. In other words I don't put up with as much crap as I used to.

Do you not want to go because you dread more of the same? I'd understand that but in your position I'd go but not stay very long. All the better if you do get stupid comments so later if someone mentions you leaving early you can say you won't stick around to have people being rude to you and if you like say that the friendship isn't working.

Or just don't go. Easy way to end the friendship. (I probably couldn't do that though).

You say its miles out of the way but you knew that when you RSVP'd. TBH you sound like you just can't be bothered to go so you are trying to find excuses. You haven't seen them in months because you cancelled the last set of plans. You go on holiday on Monday but you can pack on Saturday or Sunday. They can't control everything their family members say. They may see the jokes as 'banter' and that is all about perception (and is bullying if the subject doesn't find it funny) but you should have spoken to them about that if it was an issue. I'm sure it would have been fine to say you couldn't make it originally, but to say you are going and then cancel on the day isn't great.

They sound like they have extended numerous invitations and made an effort to include you but you don't say you have made much of an effort in return.

You don't sound like a very good friend. Tell them you aren't going and accept that it is the end of the friendship.

If you've replied saying you will go, it's the right thing to turn up. If you then decide you don't want to maintain contact, then fine, but good manners mean that if you accept an invitation, you turn up unless here is a genuine reason not to go.

Okay, with hindsight you don't think they are great friends - but you accepted their invitation knowing what they are like - you could have turned it down. You admit you haven't been a great friend either....perhaps this friendship needs to whither away - that's fine, but on their wedding day is not the time to do it. Go to the wedding, have a few drinks and then leave - it's hardly a big deal is it - you are adults and can cope with the fact you think you have received a few slights from them or their friends and might not know many people there - don't be such wimps as to just back out with a made up excuse.

Sometimes other people don't behave as well as they should - but you have control of the way you behave and don't have to sink to their level or use others' behaviour to justify poor behaviour in yourself. You said you'd go, so go - it's the right thing to do and we are only talking about a few hours, if that.

I really hate friendship 'groups' like this, where one member is singled out as the 'goat' and is always the butt of stupid jokes and innuendos. They do it to make themselves feel superior.

I agree that it's bad manners to drop out of an event you've RSVP'd for, but it's worse manners to treat a friend so poorly. Don't go and let them get pissed off. If you're lucky you'll be banned from the group.

I wouldn't go if I was in the same situation. Then you can find out who is in your attic!!

Totally this. I need to know who the ghost is!

Btw your friends sound like twats.

Isn't it really childish to not turn up for an event you've been invited to and childish to justify it 'because they did X to me'? Sounds like 8 year olds in a playground.

Surely adults go to the events they have accepted invites for....and then if they decide they don't want to pursue friendships, simply stop inviting others or accepting invitations - they don't accept an invitation and then just decide not to go on the day and worse still to try to justify that action.

so they keep you on as friends to enjoy humiliating you your dh as inferior so they can feel superior ie how wonderful their taste is compared to yours? Drop them - here a thought - some apparently rich people are hocked up to their eyeballs in debt - & they haven't got an empathetic bone in their body. It reminds me of my ds when he was little (same psychology!) we didn't have much money at Christmas he loved a certain football team so we bought he a copy kit from the market he was only just 5 he loved it. He went to school & a brat from his class mocked him. Nasty kid nasty family

If you’ve been invited to evening do only then I wouldn’t even bother cancelling. That just draws attention to it! They might not even notice you’re not there. They’ll have a few drinks over the course of the day etc and weddings are so busy etc. I don’t know how big a wedding it is but if it’s anything over 70 people they possibly won’t even notice.

Then if your ‘friends’ ever ask give a white lie like you and DH has severe d&v and didn’t want to interrupt wedding to let them know something like that!

Like you say chances are this is the end of the friendship but that’s a good thing!

It’d be very rude to not show if you’d been invited to wedding ceremony and the meal but if it’s just the drinks, dancing and buffet just don’t go!

I actually wouldn't go. I don't think you'll be missed, sadly.

However, MH issues shouldn't stop you answering texts and if you're genuinely friends with someone stop cancelling.

Text and say huge sorry but you've got a D+V bug so don't want to pass it on. Then add congratulations and good wishes for their special day.

Or text and say you've got something else contagious and don't want to pass it on. Then add congratulations and good wishes for their special day.

It's really not worth you keeping in contact with anyone who treats you or yours as the butt of a joke.

It's just the night time reception. DH isn't bothered either way, as I said he's very sociable and is happy to go. I don't think they'll even notice that we're not there personally.

But do we honestly think that these other people are as awful as described - if so, why has OP been continuing with contact with them all this time. And don't forget she admits that she hasn't been a good friend.

It really sounds like there's no future in the friendship. That's fine. But really, is the time to pull the plug on a friendship the other persons wedding day. It really cannot have just occurred to Op thT she doesn't like these people or thinks they aren't nice to her and her DH - so why did she accept the invitation? Surely, this is all blowing it up into something bigger than it is to try to justify pulling out last minute. Op clearly knows it's rude to pull out last minute and is trying to justify it to herself and asking us all to help her do that. Well lots of people seem to be saying it is fine to cancel last minute - but I think OP knows that the right thing to do would be to turn up.

Honestly, it doesn't take 3 days to pack for a holiday and you can go to an evening event for a couple of hours and lave with a clear conscience and then decide if you want to carry on the friendship - but not going when it's someone's wedding seems pretty mean spirited and is prep hard to justify. Op knows this really.

Sounds like you shouldn't bother, it may be a gracious way of hinting to them you are no longer interested in being their friend anyway. I would send a text Saturday morning saying you were feeling poorly and hope they had a good day. Its only the evening do also so its not like you are being harsh by cancelling too last minute for the day do so they are unable to get money back for your meals.

If it's just an evening invite then I suppose its ok. If it's a proper sit down meal type invite or the core celebrations are being held in the evening then YABU.

You've had ages to come up with a good excuse to them as to why you can't go - you are being rude and lazy by coming up with all these reasons at the last minute - they do sound like idiots, but surely they were idiots some months ago when they first invited you, or indeed last weekend when they could have potentially got a refund on any costs for you attending. Also to take the hump about their text response when you cancelled the weekend is ridiculous - you cancelled - they were trying to be gracious about it.

If you're not going to turn up - which you're clearly not - then at least send a fake D&V text for cancelling.

Not turning up to a long standing invite to a wedding can hardly be described as "gracious" way of doing anything, by any stretch of the imagination witchofwisteria .

You may well be right that they will barely se you there - when it's your wedding day you are very busy and have to chat to loads of people and it's quite possible to barely notice some people -not because of rudeness but the nature of the day. This is true, but still doesn't make it right to pull out last minute or to feel justified in doing it because they won't spend much time with you.

Your DH is social le and happy to go. It sounds like it's you who just doesn't fancy it, but you've said yes and it is their big day, so the right thing is now to go.

I just think we should all be looking to do the right thing a bit more often and not get to the point where we only consider ourselves so we become desensitised to the right thing and find it easy to do the wrong thing but justify it. Even if someone else hasn't behaved in the best way, it really doesn't mean we have to do likewise or that it justifies us doing something selfish or unpleasant. There seems to be a lot of selfish responses on this thread.

Anyway, enough from me.

I got a text back saying it was fine as they were looking forward to a quiet weekend anyway. Didn't quite know how to take that. I'd have taken it as them trying to make you feel less bad about disrupting plans.

Many people are brought up in families where it is "soppy" to overtly express love, and so express deep friendship by gentle teasing. OK if you've all had similar upbringing, there's lots of teasing and you all understand that it's a way expressing how much you mean to each other. But if you're not used to that sort of relationship, then the teasing is hurtful.

YABU to back out of the wedding at this late stage. If you want to discontinue the friendship, it's a very effective way to do it. Do you dislike them enough to want to hurt them?

Go for a couple of drinks as youve accepted - and then leave graciously. Then you can part ways and end friendship without having behaved badly.

If you’ve been invited to evening do only then I wouldn’t even bother cancelling. That just draws attention to it! They might not even notice you’re not there

Two people didn’t turn up to my evening do

1 said their car broke down, one didn’t say anything and it was never mentioned.

What ChocolateWombat said is spot on.

The time to say no was when the invitation was received. Not the day of the wedding.

I think it's extremely rude not to attend a wedding to which you presumably RSVP'd months ago.

I also don't...get the gay thing. "I always assumed you were gay" isn't an insult unless it's coming from a homophobe. I wouldn't be insulted if someone said that about my DP and nor would he. So either that dude is homophobic (he's not your friend and you don't need to talk to him at the wedding) or you might want to check out your own responses...

Otherwise, sure, they sound annoying. From their perspective, so are you, what with cancelling and not messaging back and whatnot. Either you still enjoy spending time with them - in which case, lower your expectations and have a nice time - or you don't - in which case, don't.

Sounds like quite a lot of angst over not much to me tbh.

This is about putting yourself first instead of putting the needs of other (by the sounds of it not very nice people first). If they we’re desperate to have you there you’d be invited to the whole thing so please don’t feel guilty OP.

You know yourself - if you’re going to feel bad about not going, just go for a couple of hours and do a French exit (ie just go without saying bye).

If you’re going to feel relieved and happy, just don’t go! And maybe send a text.

I think if i was a guest in this situation I’d probably text citing d&v as that seems technically not “rude”!

Thinking back to when I was a bride, I wasn’t even looking at my phone on my wedding day once everything got going and honestly the evening do gets very blurry!!!