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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at not being invited

66 replies

KinCat · 24/08/2018 04:13

I live with DH in his home country and have done for three years. I'm quite lonely here and don't really have any friends of my own. I've tried but I'm struggling to find my place, all of which DH is fully aware of.

Anyway, DH doesn't see his friends that often, we probably meet up for dinner every couple of months and I've always been invited before and a lunch was arranged for this weekend but now I've been told I'm not welcome. I was looking forward to it because my social circle is very small at the moment, basically just DH and his family.

I'm not loathe to him doing things without me as he travels for work half the week, goes out cycling at the weekend with other friends and also does another hobby for a few hours in the afternoon some weekends.

I feel quite upset at being left out of this lunch. I don't understand why they don't want me there because I've always been invited before and thought they didn't mind me.

DH says it's a school reunion but there's only nine of them so I don't see how it's any different from the other get togethers. He then said the cafe they're going to was too small.

Just feeling shit and left out and need to vent. Trying to think of something else I can do instead but doing things alone isn't that much fun. There's a nice nature reserve I could go for a walk in but it's quite isolated so not sure whether it's that safe to go by myself.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 24/08/2018 04:23

I'm sure if DH wanted you there, he could get you invited. Unless it's all blokes, of course, and it's all going to be very blokey and make you feel uncomfortable.

Returnofthesmileybar · 24/08/2018 04:26

So it's dh's friends and family or just dh and friends?

knowsmorethansnow · 24/08/2018 04:26

Are other people's partners going ?

PollyFlinderz · 24/08/2018 04:37

Kin, thats all sounds pretty soul destroying and it seems your husband has done nothing to help you settle into life in his country. Perhaps he can't actually see that he's at home there and it all comes natural to him but its not the same case for you. Who knows though whats going on in his head?

So first things first. Are you happy in your marriage? Is he happy? If not what can be done?

Do you work? Do you have hobbies? Would you like a hobby where you can also widen your social circle? Can you take up cycling and join your husband at the weekends?

If you are in a community where there's a large expat population are there any expat specific groups you could join?

Regardless of all that though your husband is being pretty thoughtless with his approach to helping you settle into a new country. Should you/can push to go to the lunch at the weekend? Personally I wouldn't but I would be using it as the impetus to ask myself questions about my life and ask myself if I was in the correct place for me. I would also tell my husband that and say its brought a lot to a head in your mind and its thinking time.

CarbieDoll · 24/08/2018 04:38

If the others are taking their partners then I’d been annoyed too but if not then it would be odd for Dh to take you.
Think the main thing is increasing your social circle without relying on your Dh as he doesn’t sound very social op is that right? Have you met any new people at work, do you go to the gym? Would you try any groups locally to you

DianaT1969 · 24/08/2018 04:45

I would use this as a wake up call. Under normal circumstances you wouldn't be pushing to go out with your husband's old school mates for lunch. I meet most new people through work? Do you work? As another pp asked, any expat groups or community things you can involved in. Are you happy with your husband? Did you have lots of friends before you moved and this is a new thing? Life's too short to keep going like this.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 24/08/2018 04:48

We have a husband that comes to our female friends events and although he’s nice it isn’t the same. The discussions are different, less personal and politer.

Secondly how are you finding friends? What sport and hobbies do you do? Is there anywhere you can volunteer while he’s cycling? Is there anyone at work you like?

Original poster

KinCat · 24/08/2018 04:51

I'm very happy in my marriage and so is he so I don't think it's that.

I do work but don't have friends in the office - there's definitely a big language and culture clash so I don't really fit in with anyone. Same thing wherever I go really. There are expat groups but the "expat wives" normally don't work so meet for lunch or coffees during the week which I can't join in with because I'm working. I did try and get into an expat circle but it was made pretty clear I wasn't welcome (one of the women made it seem like an interview saying - "oh DHs company has a great support network so we're not desperate for friends really...").

DH does ask me to cycle with him but I hate it. I've been with him once before but the traffic was scary and I got left behind.

I don't know how to make non work friends as an adult! I was pretty sociable back in the UK, had friends at work, from school, university and family friends so this is a new experience and it's shit.

OP posts:

Original poster

KinCat · 24/08/2018 04:53

Reading that back I know I'm just shooting down every reasonable idea. I guess I just need to persevere and keep trying until I find my niche.

OP posts:

Thatsfuckingshit · 24/08/2018 04:58

I don't think there is anything wrong with group of friends getting together without their partners every so often.

I get that, you rely on them for a social circle. But there are his friends and sometimes it's nice to be just them.

I love my best friends husband. Me and best friend still want to spend time together without him.

I think expecting him to never do anything with his friends, unless you are there is unreasonable. And that's the only other outcome.

Original poster

KinCat · 24/08/2018 05:05

I don't expect him to not do anything with his friends without me there. It just annoyed me because I'm usually invited to these things and it was originally planned in a WhatsApp group I'm part of then the group went quiet and turns out I'm now uninvited so I guess they moved the chat to a different group which I'm not part of.

OP posts:

PollyFlinderz · 24/08/2018 05:11

Kin can you give us a clue as to what region you're in. You dont have to be country specific just a bit of a clue.

Thatsfuckingshit · 24/08/2018 05:12

But never doing stuff with that group, without you do the only other option here.

You never mentioned the what's app conversation in your Op. I can see How, if you thought you were invited you might be disappointed. However if no partners are going, it's a case of crossed wires.

You really do need your own social circle. It can take a while to find people you click with though.

Original poster

KinCat · 24/08/2018 05:19

I'm in SE Asia, English is commonly spoken here but in social settings people will speak their native languages. I know a little bit of the native languages and studied Chinese for quite a while but work got in the way and now I can't find the time for lessons or studying. There are people who speak English socially like my husband and his friends who are overseas educated and of course expats, I just don't know how to find or connect with these people (except through my husband which isn't that viable an option).

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 24/08/2018 05:23

Are there any online ways of meetings no people? Like Meet Up?

chipsandgin · 24/08/2018 05:31

It might be worth joining an expat forum - something like angloinfo.com or www.linkexpats.com & you might find people with similar situations.

Meanwhile, I’d be asking some serious questions about excuses like ‘the cafe is too small’ (that’s ridiculous) though & how much support you are actually getting from your DH..

Original poster

KinCat · 24/08/2018 05:39

He supports me in some ways but I don't think he appreciates how socially isolated I feel. Partly because he's not very sociable himself and partly because he doesn't seem to realise how difficult it is to integrate into a country where you know no-one and don't speak the language. He's moved countries plenty of times so I think he feels like he understands but our situations are totally different as when he's moved he's always spoken the language and had a structure to help him integrate (like school, university or old friends/family).

OP posts:

Original poster

KinCat · 24/08/2018 05:41

Thanks for the link @chipsandgin I'll check it out. I'm stupidly nervous of joining any expat circles after what that one woman said to me because I'm worried she'd be there. She probably doesn't even remember it!

OP posts:

PollyFlinderz · 24/08/2018 05:41

Kin, I married and moved abroad to my husband's country many decades ago to a situation similar to yours except the local language was different to where you are.

It was long before the days of the internet and it was lonely. In fact I can recall the night my husband came home from work and said he'd met an old friend who also now had a foreign wife and we were going to meet up. It was 10pm and I put my shoes on there and then!!!! He meant the next day.

How did I make friends? It was all very different in those days but I seem to remember company was company and people gave things a good go with others before deciding if they wanted to keep up with someone friendship wise or not. I can honestly say although I have people in my life who I know of, chat to at the shops, see out and about, know through friends, I have to admit that my true handful of friends are women I met between 25 and 40 odd years ago. They really are part of me and my foundations here so please dont give up on the thought of ever making friends because you will.

How are things with your husbands family? Have you been welcomed by the local community? Are you happy to be friends with a local woman? I alway was and my friends are both local and foreign. Not that I even think of it that way but its relevant to your situation.

Is there are group called Internations near where you are?

PollyFlinderz · 24/08/2018 05:44

I'm stupidly nervous of joining any expat circles after what that one woman said to me because I'm worried she'd be there

Have a look at something like Internations. You dont really find women like the one you met as a member. They generally stick to doing other things like putting down other women just because they can.

Original poster

KinCat · 24/08/2018 05:49

@PollyFlinderz I actually met her on internations! She messaged me before she moved to KL so I tried to be nice and welcoming to her, took her out for dinner when she first arrived etc. but then she made that comment and was never in touch again after cancelling a planned lunch last minute.

OP posts:

Original poster

KinCat · 24/08/2018 05:50

Thank you for sharing your experience btw. Gives me some hope. I'm totally happy to be friends with locals or anyone really. Just haven't found people I click with yet.

OP posts:

PollyFlinderz · 24/08/2018 05:54

I actually met her on internations!

Im really sorry. The Internations group where you are is very different to the one here and I honestly dont know what to suggest next.

Something to think about - could you having a local husband have been her reason for cancelling with you? It can happen if you meet the kind of expat who prefers not to mix with the local community.

Original poster

KinCat · 24/08/2018 05:57

I think that could be a part of it. There's not many couples like us here so we don't really fit into the expat scene or the local scene. Possibly socialising independently will be the most successful, at least until stronger relationships are formed. I do like my DH and doing things with him though!

OP posts:

PollyFlinderz · 24/08/2018 06:01

I do like my DH and doing things with him though!

Thats a good start

How are things with your new family?

Also, could you have a party at home? Invite people you both know and see what comes of it. It doesnt have to be that people you socialise with have to know each other.

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