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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at not being invited

66 replies

KinCat · 24/08/2018 04:13

I live with DH in his home country and have done for three years. I'm quite lonely here and don't really have any friends of my own. I've tried but I'm struggling to find my place, all of which DH is fully aware of.

Anyway, DH doesn't see his friends that often, we probably meet up for dinner every couple of months and I've always been invited before and a lunch was arranged for this weekend but now I've been told I'm not welcome. I was looking forward to it because my social circle is very small at the moment, basically just DH and his family.

I'm not loathe to him doing things without me as he travels for work half the week, goes out cycling at the weekend with other friends and also does another hobby for a few hours in the afternoon some weekends.

I feel quite upset at being left out of this lunch. I don't understand why they don't want me there because I've always been invited before and thought they didn't mind me.

DH says it's a school reunion but there's only nine of them so I don't see how it's any different from the other get togethers. He then said the cafe they're going to was too small.

Just feeling shit and left out and need to vent. Trying to think of something else I can do instead but doing things alone isn't that much fun. There's a nice nature reserve I could go for a walk in but it's quite isolated so not sure whether it's that safe to go by myself.

OP posts:

dreaming174 · 24/08/2018 06:05

Ahhh I'm in exactly the same situation except we're both expats! It's not a country single women would come to, but definitely one single men would, so lots of sports teams my DH is part of, but nothing for me. The expat women's groups are all much older women, with several kids so they're friends with their kids' friends mums), SAHMs... Not that that is an issue but they tend to have much bigger incomes because of their partners being here on business, live in gated communities (I don't) and it's difficult to integrate into those groups. Been here for 3 years and have had a few friends but they don't stay in the country long. You're not alone!

Original poster

KinCat · 24/08/2018 06:07

DH's family are great. His mum died last year though which has been hard for everyone.

Party at home is possibly an option in the future but where we're living right now isn't somewhere we can bring people back to yet. That's something I can work on which will probably make me happier, sorting the house out.

OP posts:

Threetwoonethatsit · 24/08/2018 06:08

I really feel for you, if you have a Facebook account please check out the group 'Two fat expats' the women on there are lovely and am sure you can find someone in your location to meet. from what I can see there is a big range of expats on it so hopefully you can find someone you click with.

toomuchtooold · 24/08/2018 06:09

There's not many couples like us here so we don't really fit into the expat scene or the local scene

DH and I have that issue. He's a local where we are now, I'm British, there's a huge British expat community and you would think we would have tons of socialising opportunities but because we fall between the two stools it's often awkward. I don't have any great ideas though, sorry - the few friends we have are mostly couples where both are foreigners.

Original poster

KinCat · 24/08/2018 06:09

@dreaming174 nice to know I'm not alone! We've started trying for a baby recently and one of the reasons I want to is because it might help me meet people. I notice that lots of his dad's closest friends are people who they met when the kids were growing up.

How old are you? Do you have an end date for your time abroad?

OP posts:

PollyFlinderz · 24/08/2018 06:10

His mum died last year though which has been hard for everyone

Thats very sad.

DH's family are great

Is there anyone in the family you can buddy up with?

LaContessaDiPlump · 24/08/2018 06:12

It sounds like you and DH are in that third group op - not from the region or entirely expat, but a mixed couple. I'm the child of one such couple and our social circle was other families like ours - we sometimes socialised with other families from the region but never the full expat families. Maybe you can find some more mixed couples somehow? They may be more in sync with you. Good luck, I know it can be lonely in a foreign land and it's harder when your DP doesn't seem to get that

Cherrysherbet · 24/08/2018 06:14

Sorry you're in this situation op. I'm sure things will come together, just takes time. That woman was very rude, and she's clearly knocked your confidence. Don't let her put you off, just keep trying and you'll get there 🙂

NadiaLeon · 24/08/2018 06:21

Give him a break.
Get yourself out there and meet people.

PollyFlinderz · 24/08/2018 06:27

but never the full expat families.

Its funny you mention this because its just a few weeks ago I told a friend that someone was not foreign wife, she was an expat. I knew what I meant and it wasn't anything bad. Just that she had a local husband but was not on board so to speak.

Bezm · 24/08/2018 06:28

Living in a country where you don't know the language and know very few people is quite debilitating. I'm very outgoing, and spent just 2 weeks on an exchange in a Spanish school a few years ago. I don't speak any Spanish, and no one there spoke English. I felt extremely intimidated and isolated! So I can feel your pain. The key is to learn the language enough so that you can have some social conversations. You need to find a local language group, Im sure there will be one! You may well meet others in your situation there. Only spending your time with English speaking ex pats isn't going to help you with the language barrier.
You also need to take up an activity where you have to speak to others. It's important that yo step out of your comfort zone, push yourself forwards. Instead of waiting to be invited to join others for lunch or dinner or whatever, you do the inviting!

Original poster

KinCat · 24/08/2018 06:32

Thanks for all the ideas and sharing your experiences, it's made me feel loads better.

@PollyFlinderz DH's family is possibly a bit unusual in that all his siblings and all his cousins are guys. I often wish he had a sister or female cousin, then I might more naturally be able to integrate into a "girl group" which is what I want really.

@Bezm my problem with the language isn't that I can't communicate with people, I can because they all speak English to a good level. It's just that they (naturally) prefer to speak their own language but, if I'm around, they feel obliged to speak English as my Chinese is awful and they know I know they speak good English, if you see what I mean? Because of this they prefer not to hang out with me. I think that must be the thought process anyway.

OP posts:

PollyFlinderz · 24/08/2018 06:36

Because of this they prefer not to hang out with me. I think that must be the thought process anyway

Kin, I have to admit you really are being brutally honest with yourself regarding your situation and I admire you for that whilst wishing it was very different for you.

Original poster

KinCat · 24/08/2018 06:39

@PollyFlinderz I've had too long to sit alone at lunch and contemplate why my colleagues are happy enough to chat at the photocopier but hate having lunch with me 😂

Generally my life here is pretty good, I love my husband and his family, have some nice pets and a good lifestyle, my job isn't awful, I'm just missing that friendship group of my own.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2018 06:39

Dh and I did the expat thing but only in Europe. We lived in the same country on two separate occasions and I insisted on living in the expat area the second time. It made a huge difference to my emotional well-being although the rent was more expensive. I’d move if you are able but I imagine living in one of the expat (perhaps gated communities) would be prohibitively expensive.

Apehouse · 24/08/2018 06:43

Kin, do you speak/are you learning the local language? That might open some doors.

PollyFlinderz · 24/08/2018 06:43

I’d move if you are able but I imagine living in one of the expat (perhaps gated communities) would be prohibitively expensive.

They're not expats.

smigglepiggle · 24/08/2018 06:44

@KinCat are there any English speaking education places that offer night classes? Things like seeing, photography etc? Different country entirely but I know BKK used to have a lot of things like this when my parents lived out there. I would spend three/four months at a time out with them and would get so lonely. I ended up doing a course in beginners sewing for something to do and made a couple of friends there who weren't in the original "ex-pat" community, that I then would meet up with for drinks/social occasions when I was in town. Don't know if that might be an option?

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2018 06:49

Polly
I can read. They’re not expats. But op is.

PollyFlinderz · 24/08/2018 06:51

I can read. They’re not expats. But op is.

Right oh.

user1494050295 · 24/08/2018 06:54

Did you go to university in the UK? There may be an alumni group you can meet up with. Contact your university for advice

Original poster

KinCat · 24/08/2018 06:58

@Mummyoflittledragon where I live doesn't have the expat gated communities like (I'm guessing) the Middle East does. It's just a normal city with wealthy and less wealthy areas and the expats generally live in the wealthy areas but so do locals.

Technically I am an expat but being married to a local I probably have more of a local outlook than most expats.

Learn the language is an easy thing to say but there are minimum three local languages which I could take my pick of (Mandarin is widely spoken but mostly as a second language, Cantonese is a common first language but finding learning materials is quite difficult - no Rosetta stone Cantonese! Or Malay which is probably the easiest and most accessible plus widely spoken but the one I encounter least day to day).

OP posts:

Original poster

KinCat · 24/08/2018 07:00

That language list is excluding the other Chinese dialects plus Tamil which are also widely spoken and often the way that groups of people are divided - like at work the Malay speakers eat together, the Tamil speakers eat together, the Cantonese speakers eat together, etc. I used to have an English speakers group but they've all moved on to different things now.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2018 07:08

Polly
I do understand that “expat” is generally used as a white privilege term or at least for those, coming from certain countries. People coming to live in the U.K. from Africa for example are called immigrants. Whether temporarily or permanently living in the country she can be described as an expat. I don’t understand your desire to comment on my posts without an explanation and actually find it quite rude.

PollyFlinderz · 24/08/2018 07:12

Kin, I remembered this group, it has a Malaysia forum, and I think if you posted there you'd find other women who share a common background with you. Yes its called Expatwoman but there are women from all backgrounds using their local board.

www.expatwoman.com/global/malaysia

There's also the International Women Associations of KL and I think it might be worth a try given the number of different nationalities in the group. And I think thats the secret - go international rather than a group specific to one nationality.

There was also this when I googled Women Groups KL

www.meetup.com/topics/womens-business-networking/my/kuala_lumpur/

Apologies if you've already been down these roads. I know how it can be when someone with the best will in the world suggests something you've thought of and have already done.

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