To be annoyed at not being invited

[KinCat]

I live with DH in his home country and have done for three years. I'm quite lonely here and don't really have any friends of my own. I've tried but I'm struggling to find my place, all of which DH is fully aware of.

Anyway, DH doesn't see his friends that often, we probably meet up for dinner every couple of months and I've always been invited before and a lunch was arranged for this weekend but now I've been told I'm not welcome. I was looking forward to it because my social circle is very small at the moment, basically just DH and his family.

I'm not loathe to him doing things without me as he travels for work half the week, goes out cycling at the weekend with other friends and also does another hobby for a few hours in the afternoon some weekends.

I feel quite upset at being left out of this lunch. I don't understand why they don't want me there because I've always been invited before and thought they didn't mind me.

DH says it's a school reunion but there's only nine of them so I don't see how it's any different from the other get togethers. He then said the cafe they're going to was too small.

Just feeling shit and left out and need to vent. Trying to think of something else I can do instead but doing things alone isn't that much fun. There's a nice nature reserve I could go for a walk in but it's quite isolated so not sure whether it's that safe to go by myself.

I don’t understand your desire to comment on my posts without an explanation and actually find it quite rude.

Right oh.

KinCat
Thanks for your response. Cross post there. We had friends living in China and they lived in one of those communities but the rent was us$8k / month over decade ago. That’s why I mentioned it. I didn’t know if there was anything equivalent but cheaper in the city for example. Yes, I get you’ve got a local outlook there with your dh being from the country. Please don’t give up just because of this one woman. I found most expats really friendly when we did our stint.

Right oh 🤣🤣🤣 you sound about 10 now. I won’t respond to you anymore because I’m feeding your childish side.

@PollyFlinderz thank you so much for finding all this for me, I really appreciate it. I've thought of these things and even googled some but just need to push myself to message and meet up. Perhaps this will be the push I need.

If you are in kl have you tried parkrun? It's a lovely social event yes there will be lots of tourists who do it but it will have a core team of volunteers whom you will see every week. It's the added bonus of excerise and volunteering. I have met some great friends doing it here in the UK.

You're more than welcome Kin. I do know how difficult it can be and I hope things fall into place a bit more soon.

Im going to the Cinema with my grandchildren now to see Christopher Robbin so fingers crossed other posters will be also have some ideas.

Oh Kin, I feel your pain. We have lived in and still go to my DHs home country in East Asia. I can speak the language basically which is fine, BUT the culture can be very closed off. They don't mean to, it's just the way things are. I've also studied Mandarin briefly (found it so hard to get all the tonals right let alone the writing) and the fact there are the three dialects where you are - that cannot be easy for you at all! I found the friend's I made most were when I was studying both the home language and teaching English to local women in my nieghbourhood. I offered a "language exchange" programme in order to just get myself out there and try to see if that worked making friends. However, that country's English ability isn't as prolifically good as other Asian countries so I'm not sure if the same need for English language exchange would work for you!

I'm not sure what else to offer, but I sympathise. I hope you are able to make friends soon, it's a bit painful to get left out xx

I totally get it!

I lived in a very large foreign city where I had my home. Then I met now DH and moved to his expat area. It was the same city but with traffic it meant I was completely cut off from my old life because it was at least an hour each way to my old area. We didn't have kids and my work contract had ended (and with visa regs I couldn't get another). I was suddenly in amongst diamond-rattling expat wives who bonded over shopping, spas, golf, Pilates, church, competitive volunteering with "dirty babies" and their own kids. There were also big wives' social clubs in the big, well-paid companies, so the comment you got from that woman is similar to what I encountered. It was EXTREMELY lonely. I even half joked that I'd stand outside the school gates at leaving time just to have a way to meet people.

We moved to another country later where DH had lived before so had a work AND social network and I didn't. It was again extremely lonely (I didn't speak much of that language).

The difference came, as you said, when you get pregnant.

In my life PRE DH when I was single I found the gym (group classes), dance classes were ways to meet people and do something.

One of the problems is you're so starved of friendship and company that you actually need it. But when you've got some you have a buffer against the potential hurt of comments like you received or just not finding someone you click with. I know people who said, "I'm going to spend 6 months going to every event I can and talking to everybody I can, doing every activity I can and not worry if I don't make good friends, but I'll likely meet some nice people." With the "can-do" positive attitude I've seen it make a difference.

I'm crap at that though!!

But one thing. IF you get pregnant, please do not give up your job, ever. Fight to keep it. It's one thing getting back into work after a few years off for kids in the UK. It's virtually IMPOSSIBLE as an expat. And it makes you 100X more vulnerable. Any bad divorce situation you e heard about is nothing in comparison to the situation of "expat wives" when there are kids involved.

It can be horrible leaving your baby and going back to work before you're ready. But that's better than a relationship failure when you're unemployed and unemployable.

Never give up your work. It's your freedom.

(Maybe you wouldn't anyway, but in case the thought was there!)

@kincat that is so bizarre... We have also just started trying for a baby, and I also hope it will help me to meet new people! It also has it down sides. The friends I have (mostly guys, mutual friends with DH) we only see to drink with so I'm worried that it will also cut off the only friends I have for quite some time!
I'm 30, intend to stay abroad, no desire to go back to UK! Sadly, my very close friends back home have moved on with their own lives, and some of us don't have the close relationship we once did. We catch up when I'm home, but it's hard to stay in constant contact when I don't see them for a year or longer.

KinCat are you in Malaysia?

@NotNachoing tbh I am thinking of giving up my job. I have a professional qualification so that gives me some level of employability even after a few years out (and actually a lot of the big accountancy firms have "return to work" programmes specifically for women who've taken time out to have babies). You're right that it's probably good to maintain some independence though.

@dreaming174 yes! It seems like a very natural way to meet people at the same stage of life who you instantly have something in common with. We're like you - no set plans to return back to the UK. I'd like to go back one day though mostly just because I miss my family, the lifestyle we have out here is much better and I don't miss the long winter nights of the UK. TBH I'd prefer to move to Australia rather than back to the UK! You're right, most friends I don't keep in touch with. I've found my school friends easy to stay in touch with though, going back even after a year away it's easy to slip back into the friendship.

@Todamhottoday yes, I'm in KL!

KinCat, I lived in KL then moved to a 'Kumpung' which was quite difficult.

I knew a couple of women(western) who were married to locals (Malay) and one friend like yourself to a Chinese Malay. They were so different in so many ways.

I found people really did not mix much outside of the family, and then the expat groups, god give me strength sometimes with those, I can understand how hard it is.

I found it difficult to interact with locals, not for the lack of trying, Malay ladies were very shy, Chinese Malay ladies were friendly to a point, but never had any interaction with Indian Malay ladies.

Its great your working though like most expats I was not allowed to work sadly.

What about any sports groups/yoga, I did meet a few people doing my walks in the park and tagged along with a group of Chinese Malay ladies then tai chi, I felt lot better being involved even if it was 2 times a week at 7am before it got to hot/humid. But I too would not go to the nature reserve on my own. Had a couple of incidents with guys getting friendly and one exposing himself in the park whilst walking on my own.

Sorry just re read that and its a tad random!

Have you tried MeetUp groups. It is an internet site which has huge number of groups- you can find by city then type of thing that appeals to you...women basketball, foreigners learning a language, people who want to drink...just anything goes.

Might be a way to meet people until you find some which click.

I would seriously consider moving back to the UK. Friends and feeling supported and cared for are pretty fundamental to most peoples happiness levels.

It will be especially important if you decide to have children, as the isolation will become worse, and your energy levels will be depleted, you could quickly find yourself with other problems such as PND etc.

I would move back with dh and see if you are happier at home.