To ask DH to be a bit thoughtful once in a while

[justcontemplatingsomething]

I must start this off by saying that DH is usually really great with the kids, around the house etc.... But this week we've been on holidays which always changes the dynamic.

We've been on holidays with my family and due to where we all live, we all meet up as a group maybe every 2 years. So this week is very special to me. In all honesty my dad is getting older and I'm conscious he might not be around for many more of these holidays.

We've been together all week, kids and all, and tonight was the planned family night out. Everyone went for a meal and as our kids are the youngest I just sort of expected DH to take them home if they got tired and to leave me to enjoy spending time with the family for an hour or so.

But it became obvious that he expected me to drive home so he could have a drink, and for me to take the kids back when they got tired. I was so annoyed as I sort them out for bed every night and I just expected to be given a night off tonight and to enjoy a rare few hours with my family. When I explained to DH how I felt, he just said that if I asked him to keep the kids then he would have done.

But that's not the freaking point! I just want someone to appreciate what I do every day and to say here have a break for one night and enjoy a very rare night out with all your extended family....... DH doesn't understand why I'm upset and keeps saying that if I'd asked him it I could go out then he would have been fine with it: Bit I just wanted him
to realise we were having a special family night and to take the initiative and sort the kids out himself.

It all ended up with him getting annoyed for my 'unreasonable behaviour' and I'm still very annoyed that he can't see where I'm coming from. Gggrr, Someone please tell me their DH is as unreasonable as mine!!

I hate to say it, I see both points of view. Yes, I understand you want to be appreciated and have your DH make the effort of offering, but if it really was that important to you why not simply say beforehand?

So you want your DH to be a mind reader?

I kind of get where your coming from - but you should have preplanned it. He isn’t a mind reader.

I have to specifically set out what I’d like to do and things work out a lot better. The evil eye never worked he just thought I had a twitch ..

Your DH sounds exactly like mine. Wants everything spelling out for him. Yes you can have told him what you wanted but I totally get why you think he should have just known that was expected given the circumstances. Its just selfish. I am the same, always put the DC to bed. No matter what the circumstances he would never put them to bed without instruction. So from past experience, I now tell him because I've accepted he will not do it off his own back

I really don’t understand why you didn’t ask him. Or discuss it beforehand.
Hey dh. Before we pop off tonight, can we discuss who’s in charge of kids. I’d like to... etc etc
We all get complacent.
But I fear there is a back story, no one gets this upset unless it’s a constant lack of caring on their partners side.

I understand your point of view, but sadly most men (generalizing I know!) just don’t ‘get’ things like this- they need to be told. I wasted a lot of energy with my DH wishing he would take initiative/work out what I would like etc. Now I just tell him . He may not always do it mind you! But I think, from bitter experience, expecting your DH to know what you want and feel and act on it is asking for trouble.

Yes, it's annoying if you always have to do the bedtimes, and he didn't think that you might like a break, especially when having a family meal.

However, it would be my idea of hell to have go on holiday with all my inlaws, so I would probably be needing a drink to cope!

Annoying as it is, it would have been a good idea to have a chat before you go out.

Also if we are driving anywhere, we always check, which one is driving home before any alcohol is drunk, to ensure one of us can drive home.

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable. And I do think that is basic level loving partner behaviour.

Not sure why PPs think it is your responsibility to preplan. Presumably he knew these things needed to be done and assumed you would make them happen

I completely get where you're coming from, OP. Completely. And you're right. It should be obvious. He should have figured it out for himself. It's depressing and annoying that a lot of women would do the same for the DH if the situation was reversed, but a lot of men just don't and need it spelled out for them.

Why didn't you just ask him?

You said you usually do it. I guess that's why he expected it to continue. Are there jobs which he usually does?

YANBU to wish he was more thoughtful. It's annoying that guys often don't anticipate your feelings in situations like this. Quite selfish and thoughtless behaviour.

Sorry, YABU. If it was so important, and you already know that high levels of thoughtfulness are not his forte, then you should have told him.

That said, I hope you don’t pull out all the stops being thoughtful and anticipatory of his needs generally.

As others have said he's not a mind reader, he also probably thinking that since the in-las hardly ever see the kids then they would be disappointed if he took them away early as well.

I understand how you feel, but you say you "expected" your husband to know what you needed. He isn't a mind reader! You could have avoided this ENTIRELY if you had actually bothered to have a mature discussion with him before the fact. It is totally unreasonable for you to be angry about something he had no knowledge of.

If it was that important, you should have said something beforehand. It's a bit like birthdays - you have to remind him a few days in advance! If you expect him to remember and he doesn't, you're sad, disappointed and fed up. But he's embarrassed and fed up too, cos you didn't remind him! Total disaster!

Agree with others - this wouldn't be obvious to him unless you tell him in advance. To him, you're spending a whole week with your family. He wouldn't necessarily read significance into this evening. I'm quite sensitive to other people's feelings (I like to think) but if this had been my partner I might not realise he wanted to stay late.

It's much easier to say what you want than set up a situation where you don't get what you want and you're also upset because DP didn't mindread.

I'm a woman but never understand why women do this. My Mum is an expert at it and it's like she's setting you up to fail all the time.

I'm with you OP - your family time, he looks after the kids and vice versa. It should be a no brainer. Sounds like this has become your 'role' and it is convenient and works for your OH for you to put the kids to bed every night, including big family occasions.
You have to stop this and introduce a more equal footing - he puts the kids to bed from now on too!

Tell him that from now on you can both assume he does the bedtime and he can ask you when he wants a night off

It's been her family time all week though.

They're on holiday with her family, I wouldn't guess that she wanted extra time with her family this particular evening when they've spent an entire week with them.

Some people do offer. Unfortunately your husband is one of those who never thinks to offer and so has to be asked.

Look. If you set your life up so you are the default parent 100% of the time, you should expect your DH thinks that's what happens. And you ask if it's some 1 in a million night out.

OR...

Always discuss who's on deck. Every single time. Expect better from him.

Or ask. Either way. But don't expect mind-reading. Because that's shitty. If you don't ask for it, don't complain if no one offers it on a silver platter. I can't bear this martyred wife crap. Demand equality. It's the 21st century FFS. Women died to get you rights. The least you can do is ask.

Yep, I get it. Someone to look out for you, see your needs, look after you and do it automatically as you do for your family.

If you have it in your head of how your night would go, expectant of DH, I can undetstand your upset.

Flip side - he didn't know your expectations.

Feel for you, as this is me all the time.

@Singlenotsingle you should have to remind about your own birthday to your own husband? Seriously? That's a shit marriage! The one you marry should know you, love you, and want to please you