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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to be a bit thoughtful once in a while

68 replies

justcontemplatingsomething · 24/08/2018 00:18

I must start this off by saying that DH is usually really great with the kids, around the house etc.... But this week we've been on holidays which always changes the dynamic.

We've been on holidays with my family and due to where we all live, we all meet up as a group maybe every 2 years. So this week is very special to me. In all honesty my dad is getting older and I'm conscious he might not be around for many more of these holidays.

We've been together all week, kids and all, and tonight was the planned family night out. Everyone went for a meal and as our kids are the youngest I just sort of expected DH to take them home if they got tired and to leave me to enjoy spending time with the family for an hour or so.

But it became obvious that he expected me to drive home so he could have a drink, and for me to take the kids back when they got tired. I was so annoyed as I sort them out for bed every night and I just expected to be given a night off tonight and to enjoy a rare few hours with my family. When I explained to DH how I felt, he just said that if I asked him to keep the kids then he would have done.

But that's not the freaking point! I just want someone to appreciate what I do every day and to say here have a break for one night and enjoy a very rare night out with all your extended family....... DH doesn't understand why I'm upset and keeps saying that if I'd asked him it I could go out then he would have been fine with it: Bit I just wanted him
to realise we were having a special family night and to take the initiative and sort the kids out himself.

It all ended up with him getting annoyed for my 'unreasonable behaviour' and I'm still very annoyed that he can't see where I'm coming from. Gggrr, Someone please tell me their DH is as unreasonable as mine!!

OP posts:
AlmaGeddon · 24/08/2018 05:39

The upshot of this should be turn about for bed times. It wouldn't have occurred to him that your DF is ageing and won't be around forever. Or that you might not want to do bedtime on this occasion.

toomuchtooold · 24/08/2018 05:53

If he really would have taken the kids home if you'd asked - if it's not one of those ones where there was no way he was putting the kids to bed alone but he'll claim he would have now when it's too late - then I think YABU. Just ask him! I also think he is being pretty accomodating in spending his summer holiday with his in-laws - I'd hate that.

NadiaLeon · 24/08/2018 06:16

What a slob. Are you really wanting to spend the rest of your life with this man?

ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine · 24/08/2018 06:34

OP, I think YANBU. but that's because it seems my DP is worth his weight in gold. He does his share and if I'm with my family, he will be the one to take charge of DS. If we're with his family, I automatically take charge of DS. We don't even need to discuss it, it just happens.

It sounds like your OH probably doesn't pull his weight as much as he should, which seems to be a common theme these kinds of threads.

If you're doing the night time routine every night, it doesn't sound like a very equal situation.

meadowmeow · 24/08/2018 06:51

These threads are ridiculous.

Communicate.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2018 06:56

The key to a good marriage is communication, surely? I’m not trying to judge or anything just say neither one of you thought to discuss this in advance. In such situations, it usually goes to default setting. Do you normally drive when socialising? If so, he’s made an assumption you’d be fine to do it again and you’ve made the assumption he’d realise you wanted to stay with your family.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2018 06:57

Meadowmeow
Exactly. That’s what I said too. But wrapped it up in a shiny parcel.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 24/08/2018 07:03

Yeah, it’s a bit crap. He clearly assumed that you’d do it all as usual. If he’s not thoughtful (and not a mind reader) you need to be more assertive. We decide who’s driving at the time of ordering drinks. I’d probably have said “the kids are tired, one of us needs to take them home”. I’d be pissed off if he’d drunk too much to parent without clearing it with me first.

Gnomesoftheglaaxy · 24/08/2018 07:04

I do understand where you're coming from op. I've just had the same with my partner regarding baby care etc. I got so frustrated with him not taking the initiative and not doing much, we spoke about it and he basically said he's not a mind reader, he doesn't always know what I want him to do and if I ask he'll do it! So now I ask and he does it Wink

NinkyNonkyNinkyNonk · 24/08/2018 07:11

You should have preplanned this particular occasion.

However, on the whole I sympathise with the problem. I also get annoyed at people making excuses for men about it. Why is it an accepted male trait to be inconsiderate of their partners needs? (Yes, yes namalt...)

53rdWay · 24/08/2018 07:14

Shouldn’t really require mind reading skills for him to think “we’re away with her family, if one of us has to leave early with the kids I’ll do it.” Especially when she does it every other night usually - why wouldn’t it occur to him to give her a break?

Communication is important but so is having a bit of thought for your partner.

53rdWay · 24/08/2018 07:15

Gnomesoftheglaaxy but that seems like it’s still you being in charge and him not taking any initiative?

Whyohsky · 24/08/2018 07:17

Sounds like the most obvious plan in the world to me. You’re with your family, who you don’t see often, he deals with the kids (for once). He’s selfish, sees you as the nanny and maid and doesn’t like being picked up on it.

timeisnotaline · 24/08/2018 07:17

If it meant a lot you should have asked , although I understand why you are pissed off. But make this a watershed moment - start with bedtimes and then move on to other things for reestablishing that the kids have two parents. Every night for the next few weeks either ask: are you doing bedtime ? Or tell: you’re doing bedtime , or go out just before bedtime. In two weeks don’t do any of these things and just expect him to do it. When you ask why he hasn’t done bedtime follow up wit exasperated you could have asked me if you wanted me to!

Rosemary46 · 24/08/2018 07:22

I think that

  1. Yes you are right to be upset at his selfishness .
  1. No you should not be suprised at his selfishness , because he’s like that all year round . He’s so selfish he has no idea how selfish he is.
  1. He obviously doesn’t value the work that you do parenting his children. The only way to get him to do this is for HIM to do more and you do do less. Talking to him about it will achieve nothing .
  1. He doesn’t value the planning and management that you do around your home and the children. The only way to get him to value this is for him to do more and you do to less. While you go on doing it , it will be invisible. It will only become valuable and visible when he does it . Talking to him about it will achieve nothing.
Sunshine365 · 24/08/2018 07:26

You aren’t expecting him to be thoughtful. You’re expecting him to read your mind.

It sounds like you both just expected the other to take responsibility for seeing to the kids, so you were both equally unreasonable about the evening plans. But yabu to think he’s done anything you didn’t also do.

You need to work on communicating your expectations.

Iknowwhoyouare123 · 24/08/2018 07:29

OP says he's usually great with the DC and around the house but being on holiday has changed the dynamics. So I think it's a bit of a stretch to say he's selfish or sees her like a maid.

Particularly as they're on holiday with her family and spent all their holiday with his ILs which doesn't seem like a very selfish act.

DerelictWreck · 24/08/2018 07:31

You aren’t expecting him to be thoughtful. You’re expecting him to read your mind

Disagree, I think you're just expecting him to be a parent, rather than assume you will do everything as normal.

SockMatchmaker · 24/08/2018 07:37

I hate all this mind reader bollocks. I’m sorry but fuck that, one fucking night she wanted to be thought of! It’s not a lot to ask.
My husband will do everything I ask him to do but why the hell do we women have to ask for everything the whole time!? It’s more mental load.
Of course it’s bloody obvious she should be the one to stay out, I bet if it were his family meal he’d expect OP to pick up the slack. God this has really pissed me off. Sorry you have to deal with this stuff too OP.

Hopoindown31 · 24/08/2018 07:39

Talk to him! That'll be the start of getting what you want. Then hopefully he'll get a clue next time and offer to look after the kids without prompting.

Original poster
justcontemplatingsomething · 24/08/2018 07:44

I know I should have asked him earlier and that would have completely avoided the situation and that's what I usually would have done. It's been an exhausting week for everyone (a holiday with 2 very young children is not really a holiday at all) and in general I think I'm just drained by always having to think of everything (what to pack, when the kids will need a nap, what they'll have for dinner etc). DH will be happy to do things, but I often need to tell him what needs done and it would be nice for him to take the initiative sometimes and share the mental load.

But I can see it from his point too. I'm the one at home all day with the kids and organising everything so it's easy to fall into that way of things all the time.

He got up with the baby this morning and told me to have a lie in without being asked so that's something!

OP posts:
Sunshine365 · 24/08/2018 07:54

It’s not one fucking night she wants to be thought of. It’s this specific night she’s got into her head and is expecting him to know that.
If he never did anything to help - fine he’s a selfish jerk, but she starts by saying he’s great around the home and with the kids. So it sounds as though he does share the ‘mental load’, expecting him to anticipate what she’s thinking is being unreasonable.

You can’t tell someone you want them to think about things for themselves and don’t want to have to tell them how to do things, then get annoyed with them when they do them differently to how you do it. There are lots of different ways to do things -including thinking of your partner - and it’s not one right way, so if there’s something specific that you want you have to communicate that. To me going on holiday with the in laws is thoughtful in and of itself.

53rdWay · 24/08/2018 08:03

It’s this specific night she’s got into her head

Because they’re out for dinner with her family. Why wouldn’t you think “oh, I’ll be the one to leave early tonight” in that case? I’d do that, it seems obvious.

GoatWithACoat · 24/08/2018 08:03

Oh here we go again. Just a few posts in and as usual, if the woman
doesn’t take on the mental load then she is expecting the man to be a ‘mind reader’

Since when do men have to have supernatural powers to show a bit of fucking consideration? Hmm

QueenOfMyWorld · 24/08/2018 08:13

Couldn't the kids have had a later night as a one off?

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