To ask DH to be a bit thoughtful once in a while

[justcontemplatingsomething]

I must start this off by saying that DH is usually really great with the kids, around the house etc.... But this week we've been on holidays which always changes the dynamic.

We've been on holidays with my family and due to where we all live, we all meet up as a group maybe every 2 years. So this week is very special to me. In all honesty my dad is getting older and I'm conscious he might not be around for many more of these holidays.

We've been together all week, kids and all, and tonight was the planned family night out. Everyone went for a meal and as our kids are the youngest I just sort of expected DH to take them home if they got tired and to leave me to enjoy spending time with the family for an hour or so.

But it became obvious that he expected me to drive home so he could have a drink, and for me to take the kids back when they got tired. I was so annoyed as I sort them out for bed every night and I just expected to be given a night off tonight and to enjoy a rare few hours with my family. When I explained to DH how I felt, he just said that if I asked him to keep the kids then he would have done.

But that's not the freaking point! I just want someone to appreciate what I do every day and to say here have a break for one night and enjoy a very rare night out with all your extended family....... DH doesn't understand why I'm upset and keeps saying that if I'd asked him it I could go out then he would have been fine with it: Bit I just wanted him
to realise we were having a special family night and to take the initiative and sort the kids out himself.

It all ended up with him getting annoyed for my 'unreasonable behaviour' and I'm still very annoyed that he can't see where I'm coming from. Gggrr, Someone please tell me their DH is as unreasonable as mine!!

I can see both POVs. It would be great if he had offered - that would be thoughtful. But since he didn’t, you should have asked. That will help him learn to be thoughtful in future as well.

I think whoever's family it is is the default for staying out, if that makes sense. So with your family, why would he assume that he would stay put drinking while you go home?

On one hand, yep people aren't mind readers. However, I agree with the comments about mental load. Cause that's what it is. Woman thinking ahead to occasions (in this case, I'd like to have a drink and not do bedtime), and having to ask (eurgh with the 'ask', like we have to ask for permission ) to facilitate it from the men (namalt - my DH isn't) who blindly and happily plod along with the status quo.

A bit of thought and considerate brain engage shouldn't be too hard, instead of relying on wifey to do the thinking for anything home/family related, and just sit back and wait for instructions. It's nice to be thought of once in a while without prompting. A way of showing you are thinking about the other person with actions and not just lip service.

That said, in that scenario we will usually have the 'who's driving' conversation before we leave for a night, which he will initiate as much as me. This then could have moved onto 'who's having the kids' and all would be sorted beforehand. Good that he did the early morning

I also think he is being pretty accomodating in spending his summer holiday with his in-laws - I'd hate that.

Perhaps he likes them? He obviously doesn’t hate them if he wanted to spend more time drinking with them instead of going home with the DC.

OP, I understand your POV it’s quite simply the mental load and it feels you with resentment that for them there is time off but for you there isn’t.

My DH way prefers my family to his. Shouldn't assume that OP's DH is suffering his in-laws company.

Sympathies OP. Mine can be thoughtless too and I end up issuing terse instructions.

Not all families dislike each other, we get on very well with each of our families

And I think if the DH wants to stay out drinking with them we can assume they get on ok.

Bit I just wanted him to realise we were having a special family night and to take the initiative and sort the kids out himself.

Therein lies your problem. They aren't mind readers. If they aren't naturally thoughtful then if you want them to do something you have to tell them straight and in plain English, not mind games or hints or just expecting them to know what you want.

We have a bit of an unspoken agreement where if we are out at one of DP's family do's then I'll drive so he can have a drink. If we are one of my family things then he'll drive. Depending on what it is we might stay in a hotel/with family/get cabs so we can both drink.

I get this sort of thing in reverse.

My DH has a tendency to just expect me to 'know' what he wants me to do or what he'd like. I'm not generally thoughtless but honestly, just tell me. It's quite frustrating actually. It could just be a personality thing because he and my youngest DS can do the whole communicating without words thing. Watching them work on a project is fascinating, but I need verbal communication .

That said, if we are out with my family or friends he would drive etc and I would do the same for him. It's a given really, more like good manners. However that is a long standing arrangement...

Stop waiting for scraps.

There is no reason your DH can't sort the kids on the weekend, do half the packing and know when naps are, and what they like for dinner. Mine did. You BOTH appear to think he can swan around not doing it, except for this night.

No, YANBU, I am really surprised at the people saying you should have told him, why should he be allowed to assume he can stay and drink and you'll sort the kids? why are you the default parent? yes, maybe you should have not assumed either, but nor should have he assumed you'd do it! these things should be discussed and the woman should not be the default responsible parent, and to be honest, given it's your family, it would have made more sense for you to assume he would do it then the other way around!

If you want to get what you want, ask for it.
How can any relationship work if you do t communicate.

You shouldn't have to ask... but you do. I know it's annoying but from now on just ask. Eventually it might sink in that you need breaks too.

@BruceAndNosh So you want your DH to be a mind reader?

How so? He just decided unilaterally that's he's drinking and OP is driving? Why because she should read his mind that he wants a drink? Or because her job is looking after the children 24/7?

Op YANBU

I think yabu, and I think the early posters were right. I wouldn’t expect to know what my dh wanted to do and he wouldn’t know what i expected.

Communicate.

Yes I agree communication is essential. But in a relationship most of us like to be looked after a bit by their partner, to have someone thinking about them and putting them first. I was exhausted being on holiday with 2 young kids, out of routine, and being with my extended family all week. Usually I would have just told him what I was expecting for the evening, but we were so busy with the kids and then we were there and I would just have loved someone to hand me a glass of wine and tell me to sit down and enjoy the family evening. But that didn't happen.

I probably blew things out of proportion a bit, but I think it has made us both realise we need to be thinking more about each other and looking after each other. It's all to easy to forget that when life and kids take over.

Why didn’t you say something when you were ordering drinks?

Ah OP I think this argument goes to the heart of half the threads on MN, all the discussions about mental load, and probably most of the relationship disagreements since time immemorial!!

I think YANBU to have wanted some consideration without having to ask, as that would be a nice thing. I can see why you were annoyed.

However, unfortunately loads of (otherwise good) men are just a bit shit at the spontaneous kind/romantic gesture. From a pragmatic viewpoint I have learned that it makes my life a lot easier, and avoids bad feeling, if I ask specifically for what I want! Though there's nothing wrong with educating him a bit along the way ie that it would have been nice for him to offer.