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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's still not home

72 replies

Sundaysarefundays · 23/08/2018 23:50

So DH works away a lot. Its caused a massive strain on our relationship but we had a really long and i thought productive chat at the weekend about how to progess.

This is the first week in months he's been able to stay at home and work locally. He said he was going for A pint after work and would be home by 8, then it was 9. He didnt arrive and now its nearly 12 and hes still not home. He does have form for this a couple of times but not recently.

What usually happens is he says im sorry, im still bad, do the silent treatment, he says dont drag it out ive said im sorry etc and we move on. He is obviously not learning from this. AIBU - surely not - I want him to know this isn't acceptable. We have 4 DCs its just not on. Obviously I tell him this but he does it regardless. How would you deal with this, my plan is to say im not happy, it shows a lack of respect but i know he'll say sorry then tell me not to drag it out so any bad feeling is then as if its my fault. Hope you MNers can give me some advice.

OP posts:
Moononthehill28 · 23/08/2018 23:53

Give him his marching orders or start doing it yourself

Mrskeats · 23/08/2018 23:53

I would be furious at this. He’s always away then as soon as he’s back he’s in the pub? Plus not coming back when he said. No chance.

Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2018 23:56

Tell him to stop saying sorry as his actions mean he isn’t sorry. He’s just saying that to shut you up and shifting the blame to you for prolonging the argument.

Lock the doors from the inside and go to bed.
Tomorrow night pop to the shops and then stay at a friends house.

My advice isn’t very useful I’m sorry, but I’m petty as fuck. If he’s continuing this behaviour after talks about it he has no respect.

Original poster
Sundaysarefundays · 23/08/2018 23:57

Mrskeats my thought exactly. I dont want to split up over it, i just want him to accrpt he has responibilities to me and our children. How i go about that I do not know as so far it has fallen on deaf ears

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 24/08/2018 00:06

In my opinion if he keeps doing the things he apologises for, then the apology has no weight, it is completely meaningless. Because if he was sorry then he wouldn’t repeat the behaviour.

So I would tell him that and depending on how re reacts, as in stopping it or continue and keeps apologising, I would them him there is no relationship, does he want to try to rebuild it or walk away?

Original poster
Sundaysarefundays · 24/08/2018 00:17

AdoraBell i have said those exact words. Saying sorry for the same thing over and over is meaningless, actions speak louder than words as they say. I need to reiterate this again

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 24/08/2018 00:21

Reiterate it by locking the doors and letting him sleep in the garden

Havabiscuit · 24/08/2018 00:23

I’d do what wetwashing said.
Let him sit at home waiting for you whilst you txt him later and later Home times

SandyY2K · 24/08/2018 00:25

A taste of his own medicine should do the trick.

Original poster
Sundaysarefundays · 24/08/2018 00:28

Crunchymum hes got a bed in his works vehicle so hed just sllep in that Hmm

Havabiscuit he would fall asleep & probaboy not realise i wasnt home until the early hours. As long as I was home before the DC got up I really dont think he would bat an eye lid. It would just give him leverage to do it again as I had done the same as him.

OP posts:
howtomoveforwardnow · 24/08/2018 00:31

What about going out on a Saturday morning and leaving him with the kids. Then just texting later and later home times? He might feel it then!

AimlesslyPurposeful · 24/08/2018 00:34

If he has form for this and has just done it again then, let’s be honest, it’s going to continue. In future why don’t you hire a babysitter and go with him?

As others have said, he isn’t sorry for staying out late drinking. He’s apologising to placate you. You’ve said it yourself, you get cross, he says sorry and you move on only for this to be repeated.

You can’t ask him not to go but you could go together.

Clairetree1 · 24/08/2018 00:34

why is it "not on" for him to spend the evening in the pub occasionally?

howtomoveforwardnow · 24/08/2018 00:37

"So DH works away a lot. Its caused a massive strain on our relationship but we had a really long and i thought productive chat at the weekend about how to progess. This is the first week in months he's been able to stay at home and work locally."

Clairetree1 - the backstory is why!

thebewilderness · 24/08/2018 00:42

With four children he thinks he has you over a barrel doesn't he.
So what if you don't like it? What are you going to do about it?
Do you want your children to grow up learning that it is perfectly normal for people to lie constantly? How many years do you see yourself putting up with being told to get over it cuz he said sorry, when he lies to you over an over?

SallyVating · 24/08/2018 00:59

Tell him to get to fuck. Disrespectful prick

DiegoMadonna · 24/08/2018 01:02

Lock the doors from the inside and go to bed. If he tries to have a go at you about it later, just say "Oh sorry. Now don't drag it out".

Danglyspider · 24/08/2018 01:12

Sounds just like my ex, tbh. Every time he apologised I would forgive him. Until he stayed out all night. After the third time of him staying out all night and switching off his phone that was it. I booted him out. This was 10 years ago now and had I known what I know now, he wouldn't have got past the first stop-out. I'd have serious thoughts about this - while stopping out once (even given the circumstances) may not be your end of the line, you need to consider now where your line is.

BewareOfDragons · 24/08/2018 01:17

He will eventually show up.

I would roust him early tomorrow morning and tell him you're going out for a few hours, he's in charge of the children, then disappear for the day. At some point I'd text him and tell him I'm spending the evening out with a friend and will probably crash at friend's place, so he'll need to sort the children out for meals, entertainment, etc.

Because he's essentially happy for you to be left to do all that, even when he's not working away. And then blame you for being unhappy about it.

Let him feel what it's like to be left holding the bag and not knowing exactly when you're going to be home while he does. It's not very nice.

Clairetree1 · 24/08/2018 01:19

nope, don't get it.

Hes got a job with long hours.

He occasionally goes out for an evening

He has no problem with you going out for an evening if you want to

There is nothing stopping you going out together.

struggling to see what your issue is.

I particularly don't get this bit

So DH works away a lot. Its caused a massive strain on our relationship but we had a really long and i thought productive chat at the weekend about how to progess.

you don't like his working hours?

Confused

you presumably like his salary?

Do you work?

Clairetree1 · 24/08/2018 01:21

Let him feel what it's like to be left holding the bag and not knowing exactly when you're going to be home while he does

bewareofdragons the Op has already said he goes out like this very occasionally, and not at all recently, and that he has no objection if she does the same

Nanny0gg · 24/08/2018 01:29

the Op has already said he goes out like this very occasionally, and not at all recently, and that he has no objection if she does the same

He is rarely home. So when he is, it might be expected that he actually comes home. What with having four children and a wife he doesn’t see much of.

Djnoun · 24/08/2018 01:34

I can see both sides. I would miss him. But I wouldn't be such a nag about it. Certainly I wouldn't lock the doors or any other of the childish suggestions on here.

Kisskiss · 24/08/2018 01:38

clairetree1: op didn’t say she had an issue with him going to the pub ‘occasionally ‘ as you put it.
Issue is more he is hardly around ( to be fair due to his job) but when he does have a week back he says he’s going to the pub (also ok) but then doesn’t come back at 8/9 like he promised he would... and they’ve had a talk about this over the weekend so he’s totally disregarding what his wife feels.. which is btw not unreasonable at all.

It’s a partnership right??? Why would anybody be happy with being stuck alone to handle the kids and being lied to about when they are going to get to see their husband..

JoanFrenulum · 24/08/2018 01:39

Sorry is a process, not a word. Sorry doesn't count until you've had a chance to do the same thing again but this time you made a different choice. Being an inconsiderate bellend isn't something he gets to wipe out of your memory.