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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's still not home

72 replies

Sundaysarefundays · 23/08/2018 23:50

So DH works away a lot. Its caused a massive strain on our relationship but we had a really long and i thought productive chat at the weekend about how to progess.

This is the first week in months he's been able to stay at home and work locally. He said he was going for A pint after work and would be home by 8, then it was 9. He didnt arrive and now its nearly 12 and hes still not home. He does have form for this a couple of times but not recently.

What usually happens is he says im sorry, im still bad, do the silent treatment, he says dont drag it out ive said im sorry etc and we move on. He is obviously not learning from this. AIBU - surely not - I want him to know this isn't acceptable. We have 4 DCs its just not on. Obviously I tell him this but he does it regardless. How would you deal with this, my plan is to say im not happy, it shows a lack of respect but i know he'll say sorry then tell me not to drag it out so any bad feeling is then as if its my fault. Hope you MNers can give me some advice.

OP posts:
TawnyTeal · 24/08/2018 01:42

He mainly works away - so isn't home at all during those times, thus OP is responsible for 4 children and everything else a majority of the time.

When he works locally and thus can come home after work (and therefore spend time at home, with the children and OP, etc) but instead goes to the pub for hours after he said he'd be home.....

OP - when do you see him? When does he see your 4 children? When do you get a break and time to breathe? From what you wrote, it seems you were fine with him popping in to the pub for a short time, but checking out of the family on the rare occasion he would have been able to spend time with you all is awful.

💐

fattyboomboomboom · 24/08/2018 01:58

How about letting him do what he wants and enjoy the benefits of his salary? The other option is ltb and then you will have less money and more child responsibility.

Coyoacan · 24/08/2018 02:08

How about letting him do what he wants and enjoy the benefits of his salary?

Is that your idea of married life?

POPholditdown · 24/08/2018 02:16

I’m kind of with Clairetree1 on this one.

If the OPs husband was reacting like this (and like some PPs are), because she’s not home by curfew after weeks of looking after dc/house, I don’t think the response would be the same. I doubt anyone would think it appropriate to lock her out of the house.

She has already said he wouldn’t have an issue with her doing it. And as far as we can tell from the OP, this is just one night in an entire week of being home.

junebirthdaygirl · 24/08/2018 02:16

Does he drink a lot? That would be my biggest concern here. You don't know how much he drinks when he is away. I would be concerned that its a lot.

Bowerbird5 · 24/08/2018 02:52

I hear you. I have the same problem only my DC are now all grown up. It is often a fault of men who work away. It is like a wind down time between the pressure of the job and demands of the family. I lived in a village where lots of the men worked away and the wives were left holding the fort. I found it far easier living there where the woman understood and supported each other. Their husbands when home would help support too. One other thing we had in common was that many of the men went to the pub and did this, some going on benders. One regularly did it for three days at the beginning of the time at home. The woman supported the women. When I moved here no one understood or supported me. I felt isolated and missed that network.
We all tried various methods but they still did it. It was a need by the men to seperate their two lives we found if you can saying nothing worked best. They were suitably chaste because we said nothing. You can turn it to your advantage by having jobs lined up that might need doing as they usually got done then everything returned to normal.
I'm not saying it is right but a man who has had a couple of pints sometimes makes the wrong decision and stays rather than comes home. If it keeps happening every night or every few days you have a problem. The occasional blip just ride it out. It took me a while to learn this. It rarely bothers me now.
June - lots of men work away in jobs where they have no access to alcohol so don't assume!

thebewilderness · 24/08/2018 03:14

I dont want to split up over it, i just want him to accrpt he has responibilities to me and our children. How i go about that I do not know as so far it has fallen on deaf ears

Pretty clear you are not going to get what you want so what are some other options you would find acceptable?

BusterGonad · 24/08/2018 03:14

If you are not happy with him going out then that's a whole separate issue to his working hours, I wouldn't be up set if my husband went out drinking with his mates, I encourage it as we all need down time and we don't live in each other's pockets, I go out drinking too. But as I'm not the bread winner I think he deserves it more as he works hard in a challenging profession and he does need to see his mates and chill out watching the football or having a few pints. If I said no to this he'd rethink our marriage and me as a person. I'm not his mother, therefore I don't tell him what to do. That said he doesn't work away from home.

icannotthinkofauser · 24/08/2018 03:36

I don't think it's an issue of OP's DH going to the pub but more saying he'll be home by 8 then by midnight still not being home - that takes the piss

Wonkypalmtree · 24/08/2018 03:45

If he is local this week then can you go out? Leave him to do the dinner and bed routine? Get a babysitter for Friday and go out together?

youricloudisfull · 24/08/2018 03:59

@fattyboomboomboom oh yes, big man earning lots of money. The 4 kids are all the woman's to look after 24/7. Because you know, man earns money.

Presumably while he's working away he gets breaks, uninterrupted sleep, can eat out if he likes. I doubt the op is getting good sleep or a lot time for self care.

Teaandcrisps · 24/08/2018 04:14

Erm - I'm not sure what to make if this really. The guys gone out?! Rather than locking him out or ltb why not go out yourself tomorrow night?

CanadianJohn · 24/08/2018 04:34

I think an apoplogy has four components: confession, apology, satisfaction, and a promise.

So, in this case, the guy would say "I stayed out really late; I'm sorry. Why don't you go out with your friends next weekend. I promise I won't be so thoughtless in the future."

Written down, it looks stupid, but that's the formula. All four elenments are necessary, especiaally the promise.

Clairetree1 · 24/08/2018 06:45

oh yes, big man earning lots of money. The 4 kids are all the woman's to look after 24/7. Because you know, man earns money.

nobody is assuming the OP doesn't work and earn part of the household income too

Original poster
Sundaysarefundays · 24/08/2018 07:11

Clairetree1

Yes hes got a job with long hours & ocassionally goes out. The going out isnt the main issue. Its saying he'll be home at 8 then just mot contacting me and turning uo at 2am.

Yes I also have my own career along with looking after the DC.

Its not as simple as theres nothing stopping you going out together. DC are aged between 6 and 1. We have a very limited help with childcare.

Although I said DH probably wouldnt mind me doing the same. I would never get the opportunity to test this out because he isnt at home enough.

Those that asked yes part of the underlying issue is that I dont get any downtime myself because his work - Im sure those with DPs who work away will understand

OP posts:
Teaandcrisps · 24/08/2018 07:55

That's fair enough but I'm not sure what you are ticked off about other than OH went out and came back late. He's not a serial offender so it's a 1-off. You are also able to go out with your mates and do the same. It doesn't feel like a big deal.

My feeling is that you are very unhappy with your work life balance as a family. You are doing all of the child rearing plus working, OH works away - and that's exhausting and lonely.

Perhaps focus on that - maybe it's time for drastic change? House / job change?

Original poster
Sundaysarefundays · 24/08/2018 08:13

Teaandcrisps not sure if you have read the full thread but he is a serial offender amd has form for doing this. I cant go out and do the same because he doesnt look after the children to give me the opportunity. If i go out, I usually get MIL to have the DCs.

You are right, I am very unhappy with the whole work life / family life balance which he knows. I would love him to change his job but he wont. He loves his job and I have supported him with it for over 3 years but now its really getting me down because the little time he does have at home he has done this at the first opportunity.

OP posts:
Fireworks91 · 24/08/2018 08:20

Does he not want to see his wife and kids? He sounds like a selfish arse.

LoniceraJaponica · 24/08/2018 08:25

It sounds like he isn't interested in family life. I would question why you planned on having 4 children with someone who isn't that bothered about seeing his children.

Teaandcrisps · 24/08/2018 08:34

I think that's where this issue is OP and I see why your pissed off - if he's not entertaining changing job that's really hard on you, and potentially very long term.

What's his reasoning other than enjoying it and do you think he understands how much it is getting you down?

QueenofmyPrinces · 24/08/2018 08:51

No real advice I just wanted to say that I’m on your side.

My husband sometimes goes away with work but it’s only for a maximum of 8 days and I find that bad enough with only two young children to solo parents so I can only imagine how difficult and draining it must be for you.

I imagine you feel unappreciated, resentful and maybe a bit unloved? I would feel exactly the same.

This man does not respect you or your feelings because otherwise he wouldn’t be a serial offender for doing this. The occasional late night out that goes on longer than previously thought is fine, but repeatedly acting like this when he knows how it makes you feel isn’t on. His apologies mean nothing and every time he’s does it again he’s demonstrating how little he thinks or cares about you in this marriage.

You say you don’t want to leave him over it - maybe you don’t want to leave him over the act he’s done as it may seem petty (?) but look at the bigger picture.....what are his actions saying about how he feels about you? What do his actions say about how he sees you? What do they say about how he views his marriage? What do they say about how he values time with his wife and children?

And then ask yourself if those answers give you a picture of a man you want to be married to and the type of man whose values you want to be an example to your children.

Djnoun · 24/08/2018 08:56

When you say he's a serial offender, exactly how often are you referring to?

Notmethistimehonest · 24/08/2018 09:01

What time did he get in OP? And what did he say when he did?

Eliza9917 · 24/08/2018 09:07

howtomoveforwardnow Fri 24-Aug-18 00:31:26
What about going out on a Saturday morning and leaving him with the kids. Then just texting later and later home times? He might feel it then!

When he's got a hangover.

YeTalkShiteHen · 24/08/2018 09:10

Clairetree1 have you ever made a comment on a thread that isn’t snide as fuck? Because I can’t find one.