He's still not home

[Sundaysarefundays]

So DH works away a lot. Its caused a massive strain on our relationship but we had a really long and i thought productive chat at the weekend about how to progess.

This is the first week in months he's been able to stay at home and work locally. He said he was going for A pint after work and would be home by 8, then it was 9. He didnt arrive and now its nearly 12 and hes still not home. He does have form for this a couple of times but not recently.

What usually happens is he says im sorry, im still bad, do the silent treatment, he says dont drag it out ive said im sorry etc and we move on. He is obviously not learning from this. AIBU - surely not - I want him to know this isn't acceptable. We have 4 DCs its just not on. Obviously I tell him this but he does it regardless. How would you deal with this, my plan is to say im not happy, it shows a lack of respect but i know he'll say sorry then tell me not to drag it out so any bad feeling is then as if its my fault. Hope you MNers can give me some advice.

OP - I'm completely on your side. Just being practical, it's very difficult to change someone else's behaviour the only thing you can influence is how you feel about it.

I know I'm projecting from my own experience, but I'd suspect that his time was being spent with someone else.

YeTalkShiteHen

Clairetree1 “have you ever made a comment on a thread that isn’t snide as fuck? Because I can’t find one.”

It sucks OP, he sucks, and you must feel lonely doing everything on your own. He should want to spend time with his family and it hurts that his actions suggest otherwise.

Do you know who he was out with?

Well put YeTalkShiteHen, it's incessant, boring and oh so fucking predictable.

OK we've got two issues here. I assume you weren't expecting him to see the DC anyway as they would've been in bed by 8?

So if he comes back after that time, that wouldn't bother me.

However, the lack of looking after his own DC's is a big issue. I can't believe you get MIL to babysit if you want to go out on your own!

When he's rested and doesn't have a hangover you need to tell him he's got to step up and be a husband and a father.

Is he not supposed to be able to see his friends?? Who on earth goes for a night out and comes home at 8??

If you stopped giving him a hard time about going out, he would be able to tell you that he's going to be home at midnight or whenever, rather than having to say he'll be home at 8. Friendships are vitally important to wellbeing, and he's entitled to spend some of his time off with someone other than his wife.
You said yourself that he wouldn't mind you doing the same, so why don't you?? Both spouses need time outside of the family with their friends, and working away doesn't count as this. So he was out last night, why not have a family night tonight and then you go out on Saturday night for a few drinks with your friends and he can do daddy duty?

@YeTalkShiteHen

No, she does not.

Op it sounds like you're pretty much a single parent. You're working and looking after 4 children on your own. He gets to go away and do a job he loves with no responsibility to the care of the children he's helped create.
What are you getting out of this relationship? If you split up he'd have to take his kids sometime, unless he plans on never seeing them again. You'd probably get more practical help if you were divorced.

@harshbuttrue1980 read the thread. Op already said he's not around for her to leave the kids with him.

To the people saying he's entitled to a night out - yes of course he is, everyone is. But timing is everything. He does that job because he loves it so sounds like his choice to work away a lot. If he's away for ages and his wife who also works has to pick up the slack at home and do absolutely everything, it's just not on to prioritise going out with your mates as the first thing you do. Unless it's something like a stag do that you can't change the dates etc he should be acknowledging how hard his wife has found it doing 100pc of the family stuff by herself in his absence and either spending time with her or doing the majority of the stuff at home to give her a bit of a break!

And it's totally normal to worry if someone says they will be home at x time then isn't contactable and doesn't turn up for hours. Anything could have happened!

Claire
I think you missed the point. The DP is hardly ever home. But when he has the opportunity to do so he sits in the pub.

YeTalkShiteHen

Nailed it!

*friendships are vitally important to wellbeing, and he's entitled to spend some of his time off with someone other than his wife.”

I imagine that seeing as he works away he gets to spend a lot of time with other people at the end of his working day whilst his wife is left elsewhere to care for their 4 children on her own.

I’m glad it’s not just me who has noticed!

OP, what time did he come home?

I completely see your point - if your DH is working away a lot of the time, in a job that he loves and you support him with, it's only fair to expect him to a) want to spend time with his wife and children and b) be able to give you some downtime. You must be exhausted!

Thanks to those that understand, those that dont seem to think I have an issue with him going out with him going out with his friends. This is not the case. I think its important for both people in a relationship to socialise and spend time with friends and not be co-dependent on each other. Planned nights out are fine on both sides, going for an impromptu pint after work and turning up 8 hours later is the issue. And it wasnt even his friends from home he was with, it was his work colleagues who he is with 90% of the time.
Tinkerbellisnotafairy 2am
I've obviosuly not given the full back story but in brief, he works aways, stays in hotels, out for meals, has free time in the evenings, (but does also work very hard). My situation is working, doing school and nursery drops off before and after school. On my days off kids are up are 5.30/6 and i entertain them on my own until bedtime at 7pm. So to summarise, i dont mind him going on an arranged night out but when I thought we would have a rare few hours together one evening I'm not happy hes stayed out until 2am without making contact

The "without making contact" part is the part where I think YANBU. He should have the balls to be honest and to say that he's going out and not to wait up for him, rather than being a coward to get out of the door easily by telling you he'll be back at 8.
Just as you should be able to go out with your own friends and not have to be home by 8.
If I were you, I'd approach it by saying that you are fine with him going out, but you want to have a night out without him too, so can you both book in these nights out. Then you'd be prepared for him being out late, but you'd also have a night out of your own to look forward to. Life can't just be about work and kids.

I totally get this. My other half works freelance in production management and the spouses of backstage crew in sound, lighting, roadies drivers etc all seem to face the same issues.
The divorce rate is incrediblely high amongst them all it seems to me.

I think the biggest problem is that the nature of the job defines the person. Odd irregular hours, working with people in a more egalitarian way than normal careers etc. It's hard to fit back into a routine when the majority of your life isn't about that.

Has he always done this job? When did the work/ life thing sway in the wrong direction? Can you get it back to how it was?

Sounds like he has worked away so much that he is just used to doing his own thing as and when he chooses.

That's absolutely fine, except he is in a relationship and is a parent to four very young children. Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting an evening out with friends. However this week sounds like it is the first opportunity in ages that he can spend time with his partner and children after work, but instead he chose to spend a whole evening with work colleagues (who he travels with anyway).

I think you need to lay it on the line Op, tell him you feel like a single parent (if that is the case) and it's crunch time. Discuss what you both want from the marriage, and how that can work. Yes, he can have his evenings out, of course, but he needs to be realistic and let you know when these will be, and he also needs to be around so that he can stay at home and you can regularly book time out to spend with friends, whether that is evenings or days at the weekend. It's got to be give and take, and you need to be honest with him about what you really want, but then he needs to do likewise.

Does your DH generally enjoy family time?

It’s just you say he loves his job. Is it the job he loves or the lack of time he spends at home and the absence of all the day to day responsibilities that come with it?

His working away started as a one month one off . . . 2.5 years ago and its jist continued from there. It was soemthing we discussed or planned it just evolved. Prior to that everything was fine.
Hes came home from work with flowers and an apology. The DC are here so Im not getting into now but once they are in bed I will discuss it properly and raise many of your helpful points. Thanks for all the comments, its good to get a third party perspective

Lock up and put key in the door.

Will you get more of an effect by just ignoring him instead of going mad?

Also, when he does turn up, let him take over and you go have time for yourself.