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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is too soon to move in and get engaged

67 replies

Theredcape678 · 23/08/2018 20:37

I know a couple in their early 40s. They met in April on a dating website, he moved into her place after a month and 3 months later they’re now engaged. She’s got a 15 year old daughter who lives with her. I think this is irresponsible towards the daughter personally, and whilst it’s up to them when they get engaged or married, how can you possibly know someone well enough after 4 months?

OP posts:
OutPinked · 23/08/2018 20:40

If she didn’t have a DD I would say YABU because it doesn’t affect anyone else and I know some couples who have had a whirlwind romance like this and it’s worked out well.

However with a child involved, YANBU. It’s irresponsible.

Celticlassie · 23/08/2018 20:40

I think when you're a little older you have a clearer idea of what you're looking for, so don't necessarily feel the need to wait about.

DISCLAIMER: not all people who are older... etc.

LagunaBubbles · 23/08/2018 20:41

I met someone and he moved in with me and my DS 6 weeks later. Engaged the following month. We've been married 19 years now and have DSs who are 10 and 16. Sometimes you just know.

MrsMolehillMountain · 23/08/2018 20:41

I agree- how can they know one another after such a short time? What's the rush to become engaged and tie the knot?

Original poster
Theredcape678 · 23/08/2018 20:42

LagunaBubbles I’m glad it worked out for you. But I bet if you posted on here that you were moving in a boyfriend of 6 weeks with a young dc you’d get absolutely flamed.

OP posts:
Bloodylegoeverywhere · 23/08/2018 20:48

I moved in with my dh after 4 dates in a week, only meant to stay a few days. Many many years and two children later. It's all grand! We had our children afterwards. But i think it's a bit much if you have children already living with you and then you bring your partner in.....

AngeloMysterioso · 23/08/2018 20:52

All your going to get now OP is a load of people saying “my DH moved in after our second date and we’ve been married 50 years” etc etc. I’m with you though, if I were her daughter I wouldn’t be at all happy.

Thatsfuckingshit · 23/08/2018 20:53

I don't think yabu. Just because there are kids there.

However I might be biased as I left exh last year this may he started seeing someone else and moved in last week. So that may be clouding it.

Whaaaatthe · 23/08/2018 20:53

An ex friend did this. His job meant he worked away mid week so all very intense at weekends and moved him in with her 3 DD’s very soon.

A few months later she found out about his wife, with whom he lived mid week.

With DC involved more time should be taken.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 23/08/2018 20:59

My dad’s new partner moved in with us after less than 6 months and honestly, it was a horrible time. We were teenagers too and our mum had left, so although we didn’t begrudge him finding someone else it was a confusing time for us all.

They’ve now been married for 15 years and I absolutely adore her, so it did all work out in the end. But I would really hope never to put any child of mine through that kind of emotional distress if I could help it.

BunsOfAnarchy · 23/08/2018 21:01

Half the population on MN dont know their partner after umpteen years!
Yes it may be a bit quick but if they are happy and excited...then its no one else's business. The MOST key thing here is how the child/children are around the new partner. If they are happy with the union then brill. If not...then it would be advisable to take it slower.

Disclaimer - i was with husband 8 years before we got engaged then married so im not biased here.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 23/08/2018 21:17

The "when you know you know" people are just the ones who have been lucky. It could have quite easily gone a different way for them.
I have been with my boyfriend over a year and I really love him. Our kids (aged 2 and 3) seem to get along well but we're nowhere near ready to think of moving in. My ex cheated, raped me, beat me, abused me so I'm very very aware that no one can ever know someone else 100%. Just like when some people say "I know for a fact my husband would never cheat". I used to think they were naive but now I just feel happy for them that they haven't had experiences to share my cynicism. Many people who say this end up remembering saying it and cringing.

Original poster
Theredcape678 · 23/08/2018 21:20

WaterOffaDucksCrack I’m sorry that happened to you.

I know that you sometimes don’t know everything about someone even after years of being with them, but moving a man into a household with a teenage DD after knowing him for a month just seems like a crazy risk to me.

OP posts:
Thatsfuckingshit · 24/08/2018 04:31

I don't think the age of the DC matters to be honest.

TroubledLichen · 24/08/2018 04:48

I was going to say none of your business but with the DD living at home I absolutely agree with you. Poor girl.

Original poster
Theredcape678 · 24/08/2018 07:49

@Thatsfuckingshit yes I agree

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 24/08/2018 07:59

My fiance and I got engaged when we had been together 3 months aged 18. We're getting married this autumn over 11 years later.

Did we fuck know enough about each other back then.

DisneyMice · 24/08/2018 07:59

YANBU

My mum used to do this kind of crap when
I was growing up and I hated it. They'd change every few years too.

She still does it, but they now change every 6 months. Can't even keep up with their names anymore.

Fair to say her prioritisation of her love life over us kids has ruined her relationship with me.

Queenofthestress · 24/08/2018 08:02

My auntie had two teenage kids when she met my uncle, they met on a cruise, the week they got back he'd broke it off with his wife and moved in with my auntie, no between, after ten months they'd married with a baby, 16 years later and another kid down the line they're still happily married, the kids all love him

Sometimes it works out

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 24/08/2018 08:02

Depends on each individual situation, doesn’t it?

DP told me he wanted to marry me after about three months. We moved in together after 11 months which is “too soon” according to people on here.

If they’re happy, they’re happy.

IGiorni · 24/08/2018 08:03

My husband and I moved in together after a month. We have now been married nearly 7 years and have an 8 year old DS. Sometimes you just know.

leanne9312 · 24/08/2018 08:11

My partner helped me out from a domestic violence relationship moved in the day after and never left me since, he's been a life saver and 5 years down the line we're still together and expecting a baby :) I was only 19 at the time

Original poster
Theredcape678 · 24/08/2018 08:12

“Sometimes you just know” - I’m sure the majority of people overall who have ever said that have then gone on to break up though!

I think it’s very irresponsible to bring someone that new and unknown into a household with children.

Interesting that a few pp have been those children in that situation in the past and were unhappy about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theredcape678 · 24/08/2018 08:14

“If they’re happy, they’re happy”

What about the poor 15 year old who had no say in the matter?

OP posts:
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 24/08/2018 08:14

I’m sure the majority of people overall who have ever said that have then gone on to break up though!

With that attitude, no wonder relationships fail these days!

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