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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is too soon to move in and get engaged

67 replies

Theredcape678 · 23/08/2018 20:37

I know a couple in their early 40s. They met in April on a dating website, he moved into her place after a month and 3 months later they’re now engaged. She’s got a 15 year old daughter who lives with her. I think this is irresponsible towards the daughter personally, and whilst it’s up to them when they get engaged or married, how can you possibly know someone well enough after 4 months?

OP posts:
Original poster
Theredcape678 · 24/08/2018 08:18

BlairWaldorfsHeadband - that’s a bit of an odd comment! I don’t think it’s down to a bad ‘attitude’, just that it’s only the ones where the relationship happened to work out that you hear saying “when you know you know” etc.

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 24/08/2018 08:18

What if the 15 year old really likes him, was consulted and is happy with the situation? She might be delighted her mum is happy, get on really well with him, and appreciate the spotlight and emotional burden being off her a bit?

TheGoddessFrigg · 24/08/2018 08:18

Sorry - but I would be very very cautious about moving a man I barely knew into the same house as my teenage daughter.

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 24/08/2018 08:23

that’s a bit of an odd comment! I don’t think it’s down to a bad ‘attitude’, just that it’s only the ones where the relationship happened to work out that you hear saying “when you know you know” etc.

I think a lot of things these days regarding relationships, such as relationship problems, are due to people not putting the effort in. And so “oh well they’ll break up eventually” just seems to be an extension of that.

Original poster
Theredcape678 · 24/08/2018 08:25

BlairWaldorfsHeadband I think you’ve misunderstood what I was saying

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 24/08/2018 08:29

Personally it's too soon.
Yes someone might 'know' they've found the one, but then (to me) if they're the one and your perfect soul mate then it shouldn't matter giving it a little time to account for the children. After all, they're the one

I know of too many people who seem to know they have the one, move DP in, play happy families, sometimes have a kid, get engaged, go on breaks, break up etc.

Add to that how many people love going on threads about non resident fathers having a go because he's dared to introduce his partner of 9 months to the children because 'think of the children it's way too soon', whilst also having no issue with mum moving her DP after a few weeks in claiming 'well my DP is the real father as he's the one looking after them when they are poorly and giving cuddles when they're upset'.

Original poster
Theredcape678 · 24/08/2018 08:35

MaisyPops I agree - if you’re certain you’ve got the rest of your lives together then what’s a few more months or a year to gradually introduce them into DC’s lives? I just think it’s quite selfish and risky

OP posts:
c3pu · 24/08/2018 08:37

My ex is a lot like this... She has a new boyfriend, who is amazing and totally not like all the rest (heard that one several times before). Has been asking to introduce him to the kids for the past month and a half, they've only met two months ago.

After much previous fallout, we agreed to wait 3 months before introducing the kids to new partners, but of course she doesn't want to wait because she knows this one is "the one" and he's moving in as soon as the 3 months is up...

Of course it's not really any of my business apart from how it may or may not affect my kids, but I've heard it all several times before and so many of them have been wronguns it makes my Spidey senses tingling when this starts happening again...

TyrannosaurusBex · 24/08/2018 08:39

My mother did something similar with a man she met through Dateline in the 90s. Turned out he’d killed his previous wife.

Dollymixture22 · 24/08/2018 08:44

It’s a risk. I am sure if her dad is in the picture I am sure he is concerned.

pumpkinpie01 · 24/08/2018 08:45

My sister has done exactly this, my niece has no relationship with the bf at all and actually goes weeks without even speaking to him, its very sad and my selfish sister cant/wont see it, makes me very mad.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 24/08/2018 08:46

Whilst it's not something I'd do, it's also up to each person to do what they think is right in relationships.

It's a little different but my Great Grandma on my Dad's side was (unknowingly) pregnant just as my Great Grandpa went off to serve in the war. He was killed within his first month, as were a huge amount of men from his battalion. At 7 months pregnant she met a chap who maintained they fell in love at first sight, married him three weeks later and spent their remaining 58 years together every single day. I remember when I was young she told me the story and I was like "whaaaat, you can't be in love after three weeks" and she swore on everything she owned that she just knew when she saw him. To see them together was truly a beautiful thing; even into their very old age they were more in love and more loving than any other married couple I've met since. I think perhaps for some people it really does happen.

PoesyCherish · 24/08/2018 08:46

I agree. DP and I moved in together after 4 months of being together but had known each other as friends for 2 and a half years prior to that. I feel even that was too soon though. We've now been living together for 2.5 years and still not engaged. He has a 6 year old DD and has been married before though so we'd rather take our time.

I do think the couple in question are moving very quickly and YADNBU.

bionicnemonic · 24/08/2018 08:46

I find it really alarming. He could be fine but he could be anyone. Please suggest that her daughter might be uncomfortable being left alone her own home with him for a few years until she knows him better and to try to organise it so that she is always present in the house. Could you befriend the daughter? I would suggest using ‘Claire’s Law’ just for a small amount of reassurance.
www.met.police.uk/cy-GB/advice/advice-and-information/daa/domestic-abuse/clares-law/

welshsoph · 24/08/2018 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youarenot · 24/08/2018 08:50

I know a 13 year old who has spent most of their life having 'new partners' move in way too soon. By that I mean, moved in (a few times) partners after 2-6 weeks and then when that relationship broke down, they moved out never to be seen again. One guy she moved in after knowing him 2 weeks, married him but he was a complete twat (putting it lightly!) after a few years he'd moved out. You'd have thought she'd learn? Next guy (couple of months after splitting from husband) was moved in (don't know how long she'd been with him) and was pregnant.

Before that child was born, they'd split up & she had another guy move in after only a few weeks! She's with the same guy now, but the baby she was pregnant with isn't even 2 yet. The eldest is the one with who I feel extremely sorry for. This child has had nothing but 1 guy move in after the other since said child was a baby.

The child now has quite a few issues, does not get along with their mother - so much so the child is now living elsewhere at the moment as SS deemed the child was at risk of abuse (emotional!) as the child has quite a lot of anger towards the mother
This child is only 13 years, very angry at their mother and even told the mother that she should have not moved such and such & such and such in too soon because... I dread to think what the child will be like in a few years time.

oldsockeater · 24/08/2018 08:53

Too soon, because of the daughter.

Even if the new man is perfectly nice, it will be really awkward for a teenager to have a man she barely knows move in and be sleeping with her mother.

In that situation the parent should wait at least a year and definitely until the daughter is out of the awkward teenage years. Even better wait till they've moved out.

theunsure · 24/08/2018 08:55

I met my husband on a dating website, we rented a house together after 6 weeks, got engaged after 4 months, married a year later. Very happy 5 years on. I was mid 30’s, he was 40. No DC though.

They aren’t kids, they are grown ups who know what they want. Mind your own business if you can’t be happy for them! Angry

soupforbrains · 24/08/2018 08:58

My friend's parents are one of the most loving an inspirational couples I've ever known. They met when he was a pilot and she was an air hostess. He proposed after 3 days!

They've now been married for 45 years and are SO loving and funny and wonderful together they are my "Relationship Goals" as it were, so while it may be fast for many people you are not inside their relationship so you cannot be the judge.

HOWEVER, when there are children involved I do think that additional cautions and considerations should be applied so for me it comes entirely down to how her DD feels and how they're handling things with her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2018 08:59

With children it’s a whole different ball game. My mother moved in with her late husband very fast. I was still a dependant despite being 18. A discussion would have been nice. But she doesn’t consider me as an individual rather than an extension of herself.

Perhaps this girl feels the same and hopefully her mother has discussed it with her and he’s a great guy. I do, however, think this is too fast.

HicDraconis · 24/08/2018 09:05

DH moved in the same night he came over for dinner. We’d been talking for months online but I had only met him once previously. We’ve been together 14 years so far, 2 boys (and dogs and cat and chickens...) and it worked for us. We both just knew.

However, neither of us had children from a prior relationship and I think that’s more the issue, rather than how you can know someone after a short time. Some people you don’t know after 20 years, some you know after 20 minutes.

I wouldn’t have moved him in so quickly had there been children to consider. What does the 15yo think about it? Was she consulted?

cholka · 24/08/2018 09:09

Depends on how the DD feels about it I suppose! She might be mature and stable and really likes the new BF too. If it all clicks then why not? I agree if this was a pattern of behaviour with repeated new partners it would be damaging.

bionicnemonic · 24/08/2018 09:12

@theunsure the couple may well be happy, and presumably are...but who knows how the 15 year old daughter feels? There’s nothing wrong with being cautious

ALittleAubergine · 24/08/2018 09:14

I would think that's too soon for the dd. I'm assuming she hasn't known the person for as long as her dm has so must be awkward at best to have a stranger suddenly move in.

Jaxtellerswife · 24/08/2018 09:15

My mum moved in with my stepdad after two months. I was 4, my brother 3. 36 years later all is well. I don't think it's uncommon

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