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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Parents very open sex life

79 replies

BiscuitAndTea · 23/08/2018 09:18

Posting in AIBU for traffic. Have name changed as this is an embarrassing post. Asking here as not sure if my experience is unusual but I can't ask anyone in RL.

When I was a child my parents had a lot of sex toys, fetish things and porn. It was always a little out of sight but never well hidden. Here are some examples can you tell me in AIBU to think this is totally creepy and not acceptable?

1 there would be stack of newspapers in a public room, but if you lifted the top 2 newspapers there would be porn magazines.

2 pieces of clothing/fabric that my father would masterbate into were left next to the family computer, crusted in cum, but might have been sitting underneath something so not visible to a passing visitor.

3 sex toys and fetish items were stored in a box with a lid in their bedroom, not locked or anything, and that room was never out of bounds, so obviously as curious children, myself and all my siblings found them.

4 there were piles of porn magazines in the family bathroom, from about age 7 I'd be sent in there to take a bath alone, again there would be 1 or 2 innocent magazines on top, but perhaps 20-30 hard porn magazines underneath.

5 photographs of them doing sexual acts were stored dotted around the house, again out of sight a little but not well enough hidden - eg on a bookcase in between books that DCs would use.

At the time I didn't have anything to compare it to, but now looking back I think it's bloody awful. Keen to get some opinions as genuinely not sure if AIBU or not to have expected them not to do this? I feel that exposure to these things at a very young age has tainted my views on what is sexually acceptable, which has in turn impacted my relationships. As a young adult I done things sexually with partners that I'd never do now.

I'm now very wary of my DC visiting them and I never let my DC be alone in any room of their house, never let them lift things up etc. As no idea what they'll see.

Sex was never discussed in my family, I would be thought of as naughty if I asked a question about it so it was an unspoken rule never to discuss it.

Even periods, puberty etc were never discussed or explained to me. I had to deal with them myself, I asked for San pro once but it was an ordeal and I was made to feel dirty so I didn't ask again. I often had none as a young teenager, using toilet roll and cotton wool balls instead, and my mother never asked if I needed any even tho she must have known that I didn't have access to any.

OP posts:
eympa · 23/08/2018 10:39

@BiscuitAndTea would it work if you did this face to face and do you have anyone who can be with you when you have this conversation? Maybe a partner or sibling who understands the situation? I am considering asking my partner to be there as my Dad is very argumentative and defensive, and my Mum is what I would describe as a door mat. I don't want to stop them seeing their grandchild over this.
I would understand if you didn't though as your situation was a lot more extreme than mine.

badadadada · 23/08/2018 10:54

OP I can totally empathise Sad it's actually borderline abusive to have been so easily exposed to all that. A draw/box of sex toys in the bedroom is one thing, the porn is another - the pictures of them and cum rags dotted around the house is a whole other level and it made my stomach churn reading it. My step father was exactly the same, he actually kept pictures of my mom with other men on the family computer in MY homework folders. He was a letch and I think he got off on exposing to those things to me. Of course, I now have a very skewed boundaries with men.

Not normal at all.

Itsnotabingthingisit · 23/08/2018 10:55

This is absolutely abhorrent and would definitely be classed as sexual abuse in a lot of peoples eyes.

Put it this way, Social Services would probably have taken you out of their care quicker than you could say Stormy Daniels.

I think that ' back in the day' porn was a more physical thing ..Videos and magazines ..now it is all online and easier to hide, so to speak.

That of course is no excuse for deliberately leaving magazines lying around where children could find them. The photos thing, and the wank cloths is pure exhibitionism , a calculated move to expose you as children to their sex lives.

There is absolutely no way I would let my child near a house like that or people like that. If they ask why you or children don't visit, as an adult you can now tell them face to face about what they deliberately exposed you to, and that it was very wrong and something you will not risk exposing your children to.

This is a mile away from finding your mum and dads stash of porno mags. You need to know that ,and any counsellor worth their money would tell you how fucked up their behaviour was.

BiscuitAndTea · 23/08/2018 10:56

@eympa I don't think so.. it was some months ago that I sent the text message and they haven't replied or spoken to me since. Not even xmas, birthdays or my DC's birthdays. I have a suspicion they have no intention of speaking to me again and have probably cut me out of their will. I did try phong but they hung up on me immediately Sad

It's probably a nonissue about my DC visiting their house as they'll probably never visit again. At least one less thing for me to worry about I suppose.

I know it might seem strange to post about it some time later but I've spent the last few months going round in circles in my head wondering if AIBU to try to bring the subject up. From the replies on here I know that I was not, even tho they will whole heartedly believe that I was.

OP posts:
BiscuitAndTea · 23/08/2018 11:00

@Itsnotabingthingisit would social services really have removed us due to this? I never considered that.

OP posts:
badadadada · 23/08/2018 11:05

@Itsnotabingthingisit is absolutely spot on - I actually rescind my 'borderline' statement

FYI I'm NC with my mother - for many reasons but this being in the top 3, and I would never in a million years let my DC around her. Me and my siblings have had the silent treatment, the guilt trips... do not let them get into your head or make you think you're the 'bad daughter'

CSIblonde · 23/08/2018 11:15

Thats beyond inappropriate OP. This sounds rude but are they not that savvy & thought kids don't notice stuff? Or, what my thought was did they grow up in a similar over sexualised environment so that's their 'normal'? It's such a contradiction that sex was never mentioned but it's 'leaking' out & present all over the house.

eympa · 23/08/2018 11:16

@BiscuitAndTea that's awful, they are not even giving you a chance to challenge their behaviour and I think they are being completely manipulative and trying to guilt trip you.
Now conversation with them is off the cards, personally I would be seeking some sort of counselling/therapy/help to just help me process all of this. It is a lot for anyone to take in and to then be cut off just for questioning this behaviour is completely unfair.
I hope you are ok, you have been treated badly by your parents and I hope you can move on, get help if you need it and enjoy your own lovely life and leave them behind. They don't deserve a daughter like you and I'm sure you are an amazing Mum and you are bringing your own family up in a safe and happy environment.
To PP, yes I agree, finding parents stash is different but I was just trying to confirm for OP that she is not only one who has experienced some of this and that it is completely wrong from my POV as well, sorry if it came across as I was minimising it.

RSAcre · 23/08/2018 11:20

Dear OP
FFS, YANBU!!!!

Bloody Nora they sound like a selfish pair of twerps.
They felt it was OK for them to indulge themselves to the point where young kids are exposed to - at best, inappropriate - at worst, disturbing & damaging images?
While simultaneously feeling it was NOT ok for you to receive any form of softly-softly sex ed?

Cheeezus. You are SO not BU.
Hope you can help yourself to feel TOTALLY justified from shielding your own kids from their grandparents' selfish & frankly disgusting errors of judgement.

I like your nom de plume btw ... especially as your folks' attitude seriously takes the feckin biscuit ;)

Rant over. Stay happy & peaceful Tea&Biscuits xx
RSy x

BiscuitAndTea · 23/08/2018 11:23

@CSIblonde I can't be certain but if I had to hazard a guess I'd say they didn't have great upbringings, but I would be very surprised if my grandparents had sexual paraphernalia around the house. I can never recall anything like that at my grandparents houses.

I think you're right in that they just didn't expect us to find things, didn't expect us to look etc. I think it was more so that than exhibitionism.

As a child I didn't leave my room in the evenings after about 8pm once I realised what was going on, as I knew my father would be masterbating (I could hear noises so I suspect this is what he was doing but I never saw so can't be 100% sure) and I'd have to walk past where he was to get to the toilet, and I couldn't be sure he would have closed the door of his room.

Again, genuinely doubt it was exhibitionism more that he just expected me to stay in my room and therefore he didn't think it mattered. If I ever absolutely needed to use the bathroom I'd make a lot of noise about getting up and out of bed, and opening my door but waiting a few secs before walking into the hallway so that it would give him time to hide what he was doing before I had to walk past him.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 23/08/2018 11:23

Hurtful as it is to be blanked, you're better off having no further contact with them. As are your kids. Use your time and energy on being with nice loving people who have proper boundaries instead. BrewCake

ManicUnicorn · 23/08/2018 11:24

Definitely not normal OP. I work with kids and if one of them ever disclosed something like this it would be a serious child protection issue that would have to be flagged up.

Ive briefly mentioned this on here before, but my parents used to have very loud sex when I was growing up. I say parents, but it was my DM who would shriek like a banshee knowing full well DB and I were asleep (or not) just yards away. I'd be utterly mortified if anyone let alone my kids over heard me making such a racket like that during sex, but then DM has absolutely no concept of boundaries anyway so maybe she just didn't care?

Yoksha · 23/08/2018 11:25

This has actually nauseated me. Words fail me atm.

But I am with you.

Flowers
jewel1 · 23/08/2018 12:01

Can I just say biscuitsandtea that you a clearly a strong and amazing person and I wonderful mum and I think you need some real support and back up. I accidentally came upon your post while looking for info on IVF but I really want to offer my heartfelt admiration for you and how you are navigating a safe and secure upbringing for your blessed child. You can discount my advice if you want but I have some experience of family sexual abuse both professionally and personally. I am really conscious that you are going through what a lot of survivors of abuse experience and working through your childhood in the context of your changing life circumstances (i.e becoming a loving and nurturing parent). You hit the nail on the head when you said it all seemed normal as a child and that is because the domestic world is so closed and the sadly the people who should have cared and protected you most were neglectful and cruel. You should feel no shame because you were only a child; it is they that should be ashamed.
I feel they silent treatment is further evidence of their continued need for power and control; as you said, you are left with it swirling in your head, asking if you are unreasonable and doubting yourself. You must not do this as you are fine and you are letting them further manipulate and control you. There is no excuse for their behaviour and unless they have learning issues they will know that and they are probably worried that your growing strength (motherhood makes tigers of women) is a threat so they are trying to hurt you with silence and continues neglect (not sending an innocent grandchild a card is abysmal).
Furthermore, I have lots of experience of social services and your experiences would definitely count as abuse and by you being exposed to sexual activity via pornographic images could be instigate criminal proceedings. Social services would almost certainly be involved with a family like yours if they were alerted.The fact that your parents also neglected your own development and care would count as neglect and perhaps emotional abuse.
It is worth considering that there is no statute of limitations on sexual abuse so you might have grounds to make a formal allegation to police as sexual abuse does not have to involve touching.
I am really sorry if I have wound you up about all this or added to your turmoil but you are clearly a thoughtful and intelligent person and I feel you need some sound advice; please consider counselling. You may want to contact NAPAC.org.uk who offer support to adult survivors of abuse.
It may be that you never have contact with your parents again and that can be hard as despite all they are still your parents and it is not wrong for you to love and miss them. Try and find other older support for you and your daughter; in laws? An older neighbour; some one you can turn to for support and tea and biscuits - because you really deserve it - you're a star!
Sending you love and hugs xxxx

30hours · 23/08/2018 12:02

That’s sexual abuse by exposure to children.

jewel1 · 23/08/2018 12:05

Apologies for all the typos - I'm on a train.
Good luck! X

Nanny0gg · 23/08/2018 12:07

I think you're right in that they just didn't expect us to find things, didn't expect us to look etc. I think it was more so that than exhibitionism.

Nope. I disagree. If you don't want your children to find stuff there are many ways of hiding it.

They didn't even seriously try to hide it. Must have been deliberate.

Butterymuffin · 23/08/2018 12:10

they just didn't expect us to find things, didn't expect us to look etc

Even if this were the case (and I'm deeply sceptical) it would only take one instance of kids finding things for any remotely reasonable person to think 'jeez, we need to put this stuff properly out of reach'.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 23/08/2018 12:13

Op, I think you were sexually abused. Even without any physical abuse, exposure to this sort of thing at a young age affected you deeply. The fact that you were not allowed to discuss anything to do with your own emerging sexuality compounds it in my view. I am sorry this happened to you and hope you can find a way forward. By posting here you have made a start. Flowers

TravelAndAdventure · 23/08/2018 16:55

Definitely a type of covert sexual abuse. I've been learning about this myself.

My dad was very emotionally abusive to my mum and one of his tricks was to bring a bin bag of porn films home from the blokes at work and sit in the living room and watch them in the early evening. I was a young teenager and would have to scuttle by the living room door and straight upstairs because he would be sat in the dark, drunk and watching the porn. I don't remember actually seeing porn but I guess I would hear it because I definitely knew what he was doing.

I have always just seen it as one of those shitty things people do (my thinking can be skewed because of an abusive childhood) but recently I'm learning more about it. Does anyone here know if what my dad did would be classed as a red flag for child protection?

pallisers · 23/08/2018 17:04

OP, you had an abusive and neglectful childhood with abusive and neglectful parents. I am so sorry. Reading your posts is so sad.

If I were you, I wouldn't bother with them anymore. At best, their children were never even remotely a priority for them. At worst, they were deliberately sexual abusing their children. Either way, the effect is the same on you - hence your relationships as a young adult.

Anxious2niteaaah · 23/08/2018 17:11

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/child-sexual-abuse/

Op what you are describing seems to falls into the category of non contact sexual abuse

LeighaJ · 23/08/2018 17:13

That is absolutely fucked up and so unhealthy. Your parents sound awful. Sorry you had to grow up in that environment. Flowers

onetimeposter · 23/08/2018 17:14

This was abuse op im so sorry x

OutPinked · 23/08/2018 17:15

That’s all really, really weird. Not at all normal or average. The wank cloth is absolutely vile 🤢

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