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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Parents very open sex life

79 replies

BiscuitAndTea · 23/08/2018 09:18

Posting in AIBU for traffic. Have name changed as this is an embarrassing post. Asking here as not sure if my experience is unusual but I can't ask anyone in RL.

When I was a child my parents had a lot of sex toys, fetish things and porn. It was always a little out of sight but never well hidden. Here are some examples can you tell me in AIBU to think this is totally creepy and not acceptable?

1 there would be stack of newspapers in a public room, but if you lifted the top 2 newspapers there would be porn magazines.

2 pieces of clothing/fabric that my father would masterbate into were left next to the family computer, crusted in cum, but might have been sitting underneath something so not visible to a passing visitor.

3 sex toys and fetish items were stored in a box with a lid in their bedroom, not locked or anything, and that room was never out of bounds, so obviously as curious children, myself and all my siblings found them.

4 there were piles of porn magazines in the family bathroom, from about age 7 I'd be sent in there to take a bath alone, again there would be 1 or 2 innocent magazines on top, but perhaps 20-30 hard porn magazines underneath.

5 photographs of them doing sexual acts were stored dotted around the house, again out of sight a little but not well enough hidden - eg on a bookcase in between books that DCs would use.

At the time I didn't have anything to compare it to, but now looking back I think it's bloody awful. Keen to get some opinions as genuinely not sure if AIBU or not to have expected them not to do this? I feel that exposure to these things at a very young age has tainted my views on what is sexually acceptable, which has in turn impacted my relationships. As a young adult I done things sexually with partners that I'd never do now.

I'm now very wary of my DC visiting them and I never let my DC be alone in any room of their house, never let them lift things up etc. As no idea what they'll see.

Sex was never discussed in my family, I would be thought of as naughty if I asked a question about it so it was an unspoken rule never to discuss it.

Even periods, puberty etc were never discussed or explained to me. I had to deal with them myself, I asked for San pro once but it was an ordeal and I was made to feel dirty so I didn't ask again. I often had none as a young teenager, using toilet roll and cotton wool balls instead, and my mother never asked if I needed any even tho she must have known that I didn't have access to any.

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BiscuitAndTea · 23/08/2018 10:00

I can't understand why anyone would think it's ok to do this? What on earth drives someone to do this? (Rhetorical questions - not expecting an answer)

I highly doubt that their own upbringings were like this but I honestly have no idea. They were brought up quite poor so I doubt there was money to spend on magazines etc.

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Butterymuffin · 23/08/2018 10:00

Totally creepy and abusive / neglectful on their part. Sorry that happened to you. They let you down. I'd think very carefully about what you're prepared to do for them from here on.

BuntyII · 23/08/2018 10:00

Definitely abusive to expose children to sexually explicit material. Fuckers.

BiscuitAndTea · 23/08/2018 10:01

@sonicshoegazes that sounds worse, for some reason I don't think my own experience was that bad but perhaps that's my own mind playing tricks on me, even as an adult it's hard not to try to justify their behaviour. Not sure if it's the same for you.

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Wishicouldsleep · 23/08/2018 10:01

Goodness not providing you with San Pro is absolutely neglect. I just can't get my head around how a mother could do that to their daughter. Starting periods (and having them even as an adult!) is tough enough without having to worry about using toilet roll and cotton wool Sad

This has made me really sad.

Flowers
Emmageddon · 23/08/2018 10:01

As a child, how did you know the crusty cloths by the computer were your dad's wank rags?

Wishicouldsleep · 23/08/2018 10:02
  • oh and I didn't write in my previous post because you are obviously not bring unreasonable about finding all that sex stuff around your parents house.
BiscuitAndTea · 23/08/2018 10:03

@Emmageddon I don't think I realised initially, and I always wondered what they were. It wasn't until I came across a lot of very niche porn on the family computer that I put two and two together, and I would have been about 12 by that point.

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BiscuitAndTea · 23/08/2018 10:07

@Emmageddon also some of them were hankies, cloths etc but some were clothing items. I don't want to be too specific but some of them they were sexual clothing items.

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Emmageddon · 23/08/2018 10:11

Ew, grim. I wouldn't let them have a lot to with the DC - maybe a day out on neutral territory, definitely not at their house.

You needed safeguarding as a child, so sad. The sanpro issue makes me want to cry.

TheGoddessFrigg · 23/08/2018 10:11

This is completely abusive - and if this happened now, children's services would be involved. Thank god you managed to still grow up with some boundaries.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 23/08/2018 10:13

That’s creepy as fuck, and appalling that your parents would leave sex stuff strewn around the house, but you were neglected when it came to menstrual hygiene. I wouldn’t let kids go in that house.

I would say your parents were neglectful at best, but leaving wank cloths around is something more - that’s nasty.

jarhead123 · 23/08/2018 10:14

Gosh thats awful. No words :(

BiscuitAndTea · 23/08/2018 10:19

There's just no way they'd see it as neglect, if there were stories on the news etc about neglect they'd be openly disapproving. I guess they didn't see their own actions or lack of them as on par with other stories of neglect.

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Lynne1Cat · 23/08/2018 10:20

That's disgusting and awful. Your parents were definitely not normal to do that. As for not supplying you with sanitary products, that's dreadful and it makes me sad to think of any young girl having to try to cobble together something to use.

I wouldn't want to take children round to their house at all.

The magazines are bad enough, but the wanking cloth - that's appalling.

buckingfrolicks · 23/08/2018 10:22

That's appalling - and very damaging I imagine to your emerging sexuality. So poss leaving you disconnected to your own sexuality.

I say this, as (v minor compared to your experience) my DParents has Victorian porn in the bookshelves - think marquis de Sade - we were a literary house and I was encouraged to read. So I found them. Fucked me up a lot re sex and I feel increasingly angry about it 40 years later.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 23/08/2018 10:23

I can remember being around the age of 13 and being at my cousins house....our parents were at the pub and us nosey kids went looking for my uncles porn stash.....he had a huge collection of quite hard core bondage mags......i often wonder if finding those is one of the reasons im now submissive and drawn to dominant men...

eympa · 23/08/2018 10:25

OP it was out of order for them to do that. I have a similar but not as extreme situation and I think I will be making a point of this before my little one is old enough to use their laptops, etc.
There were always porn mags and videos in our house, hidden but not, i.e. in understairs cupboard next to medicine box, wtf. Etc. This was before internet. Since leaving home I have either been using Dad's laptop and now tablet, or fixing it and been disgusted by his search history and occasional malware which is clearly porn related. I've always been too embarrassed to bring it up but now I have a little one I will be making a point that if he is ever exposed to any porn in their house we will not be visiting them again so they need to ensure it is not on laptops, etc. I doubt he still has any magazines but the whole thing is grim.

I think it's neglectful parenting. Would you have a similar conversation?
Just as a vent, I'm sorry as like you I've never discussed with anyone as too embarrassing! They also used to have really loud sex, and I walked in on them in living room once 🤢 I just think they were irresponsible, the Sun page 3 was always on kitchen table and Viz and I was just told not to read it as I wasn't old enough. Lazy, lazy parenting and like yourself my early sexual experiences were coloured by seeing porn from a young age.
I am dreading having to have this conversation with them but I really think they are the ones who should be embarrassed, and I'm not risking my little one seeing things he shouldn't just to save face.

BiscuitAndTea · 23/08/2018 10:28

@eympa that sounds very similar. Sorry you had to deal with that.

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BiscuitAndTea · 23/08/2018 10:29

@eympa I'd never let my DC anywhere near their computers, phones or tablets. I think you're sensible to have that conversation.

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Kittykat93 · 23/08/2018 10:30

Op that's awful Thanks everyone is entitled to the sex life they desire but to allow your children to be exposed to that is vile and abusive. They should be bloody ashamed of themselves.

GoatWoman · 23/08/2018 10:31

Really horrible and not normal. I had a school friend who's house was similar, yet eirdly they were absurdly wealthy.

I do feel sullied and sort of abused that I saw all that porn whilst still at primary school. We also saw 'found' the Dad's cocaine and weed but we didn't try it thank god.

Nanny0gg · 23/08/2018 10:32

Do you still see them? Where?

I don't think I would.

eympa · 23/08/2018 10:34

@BiscuitAndTea do you think they would respond to a similar conversation? I am sorry you had all that growing up. I can imagine mine being very defensive when I bring it up but that's how it's got to be sadly.

BiscuitAndTea · 23/08/2018 10:35

@Nanny0gg not really, not seen them for a long time. But they think IBU for not seeing them. I mentioned the exposure to sex things to them in a text message a few months back and didn't hear back from them and not seen them since. They clearly think I'm being 'bad' by referencing it. The silent treatment is very normal as a punishment for what they see as unreasonable behaviour/questions.

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