To work part time if I'm expected to cover all childcare?

[Sennendream]

I hope that this makes sense.

Dh works full time, I work part time 2.5 days per week.

As far as I'm aware dh is more than happy with this, our youngest hasn't started school yet so it works all round.

I do all school/nursery runs, I cover all sickness, parents evenings, sports day, I sort all school holidays for the eldest.

Dhs hours don't permit any school or nursery drop off and pick ups and he gets minimal annual leave to cover school holidays, his employer also wouldn't permit days off at short notice for the inevitable illness.

Some of dhs family have insinuated that I have the life of riley and that I should do more hours at work or that I'm very lucky. (I'm looking at you fil). Dhs mother did not work until her children left school and some of the others with opinions don't even have children.

Although I could do more hours when the youngest starts school, it would mean arranging childcare for before/after school, school holidays and I'd still be covering sick days.

They are being unreasonable commenting ut is an agreement you and DH are happy with, but plenty of people work full time and have children, it is not impossible.

Yanbu.

We did much the same arrangement after the youngest was born. I did half time because I wanted to maintain a career presence. He worked silly hours managing three professional jobs. I did child care and worked very hard at it. It certainly wasn’t the life of Riley - although I guess I could have made it easier if I was less bothered about a clean house, entertaining for his work and making sure the children started building CVs from nursery (swimming, ballet, music and language clubs etc).
Ignore them and know mahow ny friends will envy your position. Your children have the best of both worlds and you are keeping the option of full time work open by working part time now.

YANBU if your DH is happy. I am divorced but have a good relationship with exh. His job is 24/7 and involves travel up and down the country so I work PT school hours as I have to do the lion's share of childcare. Exh earns a good wage and recognises what I do so he pays me good maintenance to facilitate me working PT. The arrangement suits us. Your family, your business.

I realise that plenty of people work full time so it's entirely possible.

However given that dh cannot take on any of the responsibility for the childcare and this will fall entirely on myself, it wouldn't really make for a fair arrangement.

It's none of their business unless you are asking them for loans or something. Yes of course families do have two full time jobs with small children but in my experience it's very very tough unless you earn enough for a nanny, have two sympathetic employers/flexible hours and/or family help with childcare. I worked out that if I was working full time I would miss at least 9 days a year due to child's routine outpatient appointments for a pretty minor condition (rural area so hospitals not near work, appts with multiple different hcps at different hospitals so can't be coordinated on same day). Not many employers are going to appreciate that and that's before needing 10 days off for chickenpox, 4 days for each d and v. And unless you earn a lot it's then hard not to make a loss if you are having unpaid days off but still paying for nursery days. So ignore them if it's the best option for your family.

No one else’s business. I worked part time until our youngest turned 4 and just needed wraparound care.
My only (slight) concern would be you say ‘as far as you’re aware’ your dh is happy. Talk to him! Communication is key to a happy marriage. He probably is quite happy but it’s important to keep those lines of communication open because marriage is all about ongoing negotiations and compromise. People don’t remain the same from the day they get married!

But honestly ignore the opinions of anyone else; this is for you and your dh to decide

utter gobsmacked at this @CherryPavlova

making sure the children started building CVs from nursery (swimming, ballet, music and language clubs

WTFFFFF they are kids

It just gets my back up the way a few people say I'm so lucky to have dh I have the life of riley.

Yes I am lucky but no one ever says to dh that he is lucky to have a dw who supports his career, does all his washing, cooks him a meal, makes sure he's got nice stuff in for lunches, organises lovely things for the dc, takes days off to deal with sickness so that he doesn't have to worry and can use his annual leave for enjoyment.

Works both ways.

if you & your family are happy why care? 2 people working full time when one of the couples jobs long hours & inflexible as your Dh while 'doable' would make for a very stressful existence & not worth it imo unless u need the money. Honestly they haven't a clue especially those with no kids n those who had a sahm wife until kids went to school - did he think she had the 'life of riley'? I'd let him have it!!

Last time we discussed it which was a few weeks ago he was perfectly happy.

If and when the day comes when he is not happy I am willing to work full time however I will be expecting him to ask his employer for more flexibility so that he can share the childcare.

Building CVs from nursery.

That was my point OP, no need to justify it, saying it wouldn't be possible etc. You and DH are happy with the arrangement you have, end of conversation, it's not their place to comment.

It's an in law issue.

They obviously love him dearly. That's nice he has their support but a pity they are the sort who then just have to pick at you.

(Just ignore them.)

Fwiw, I wouldn't give up working or go part time, so to me it's not the life of Riley, I don't envy SAHMs or think they have it easy (other than those who have one teenager, a cleaner and a gardener and couldn't possibly work due to the mental load...) , I am valued as an adult in my own right at work, I enjoy my job and it is intellectually stimulating. I've already had people turn their nose up when I say I'm not willing to give that up and will be going back to work after maternity leave. You can't win, just ignore them

Your DH needs to tell them to mind their own business.

Give me the child before he is seven and I will give you the man........when does advantage begin, do you think? After GCSEs is leaving it a little too much to chance.
Mine definitely enjoyed swimming, baking in French and tumbletots much more than sitting in front of teletubbies or Tots TV all day. Starting violin at 4 means grade 8 by 15/16 and more opportunities.
Fluency in a foreign language comes from an early start.
Maths ability is closely linked to music ability.
Reading hours with cuddles everyday is heavenly and builds linguistic and literacy.
Doing constructive activity (ie cv building) isn’t necessarily beating them over the head with a stick.

Your family arrangements are 100% your business, and you are right that financial provision is often valued more than care roles, which is unfair.

But your dh' s job cannot opt out of giving him parental leave to care for sick children (though it may be unpaid).

Exactly FASH84 it feels that women can't win either way.

If you work full time there'll be people judging you, if you don't work there'll be others judging you for not contributing enough financially.

Once the youngest goes to school I might decide I want to work more hours but it will be because dh and I have decided not because of people sticking their noses in and telling me what I can do.

And when do they play cherrypavlova ? When are they just children and run around and get dirty and build proper life skills and common sense not just being drilled in music and dancing and maths?

Stompy legally that maybe the case but the nature of his work his company would lose a lot of money and business if dh start having regular days off at short notice.

Dh would be totally unwilling to take days off for sickness because he wouldn't want to let his employer down and if I started asking him to it would cause huge arguments.

Working FT as a mother rarely turns out to be an equitable arrangement. You remain the go-to parent for every school request, Scouts etc...the one that makes sure everyone has school uniform, gets to the parties, gets presents for said parties, makes sure homework is done, arranges play dates and extra-curricular stuff, etc etc etc. Even if OH shares this stuff, it’s usually under maternal management. Wifework is a huge mental burden even if the practical aspects are shared.

The thought of the noise from a combination of my four year old and a violin is making my teeth itch 😊

Exactly aspergallus 'having it all', these days for women usually means 'doing it all'.

But would you want to let your employer down? Is it ok for you to let them down because you're a woman and women should have responsibility for kids? I think your DH is sexist.