BF playing a role to trick her BF..AIBU to be sad?

[LettuceKissYa]

NC for this

I am very concerned for my best friend; and yet I can’t help but look at her in a negative light

Best friend is about a year into a new relationship with a perfectly nice man. He’s very traditional, religious and quiet – absolutely lovely though. My BF has transformed herself into this – flip, I dunno – “perfect woman” – and has become unrecognisable

She has always been argumentative, passionate and a pain in the arse (joke..) but now she is so passive, smiles sweetly at DP and agrees with everything..

BF has always been loud, outgoing, a drinker, a lover of one night stands. She’s mid-twenties. Her DP is considerably older than her, earns more but not an awful lot more. She is very generous to him, as he is to her. They are equal in this respect

Life for my BF is now alcohol free, quiet nights in, cinema, meals out – she doesn’t swear, has disappeared off social media & is a changed woman

Now:

BF has confided in me that this is all an act. She wants the ring on her finger. She is prepared to play the long game. She has faked an interest in religion, has downplayed her sexual past and has told me that she will celebrate her wedding with champagne. Her DP has shown a reluctance to have more DC (they have one each) and she tells me “there will be a baby when I decide..”

I’m not gonna do anything. I’m just so sad. Playing a part to snare a man..

AIBU or is this fucking shocking?

Sounds very deceitful if it's true. Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure

I've seen the change - but she told me today over a cuppa that the end game is a ring and a new surname

This is a successful woman. I'm so sad

There is no scenario in this situation where you win if you do anything. Say something to him - wouldn’t advise as you’re meddling and will likely loose a friend. Say something to her - and she will see it as an attack.
It’s very hard to fake a personality for a long time - it will seep through eventually. Either that or she’s actually enjoying being a staying in at night, calm, responsible person and is having trouble reconciling that.

Whatever it is, I’d steer clear of the whole situation

Maybe I am terribly naive but I thought this was something that happened in Hollywood

Not a small UK town

She does nothing but complain to us about not drinking/missing out on nights out/holidays etc..

This man is stable. She likes the idea of stable

I am staying out of it but I actually feel sorry for both of them. He's oblivious and really happy, with no idea what's to come - and she's losing sight of herself and having secret moans to everyone else

I cant see why she attaches so much importance to a ring & marriage unless a) he's really wealthy b) she's massively insecure and sees status in marriage & kids. She'll never keep up the act. It'll last a year if that. Stay out of it OP.

Is he rich?

She sounds vile

It's not how I'd play the game but they're both functioning adults so you're probably best leaving them to it. Nothing is going to improve for you by announcing she's actually a gin-soaked lush with a penchant for strolling home at 4am on a Sunday with her pants on her head.

He's not overly rich

Owns his own home, nice car

But so does she

My BF is one of those "strong independent woman" types - no dramatics, funds herself and has never appeared to have any self esteem issues

He is a lovely man. I can acknowledge that - he's very traditional, old fashioned if you like; and I think she knows he won't be easily replaced

I just don't like how she's reinvented herself. Is that even possible? How can someone be so shameless?

I've known her for twenty years - this is so out of character but it's certainly not him controlling her. She has signed up to an Alpha course, literally hasn't touched one sip of alcohol in a year and nods like a little dog to him..the rest of us are like

Then why? I’m completely bemused and pickled as to why she’s doing it?

I mean, to sit through Nicky Gumbel (Alpha dude) she must be invested in it!

I think she just really loves him. I think he is a good, secure option for her

She's had relationships in the past - never badly hurt but certainly had her eyes opened by our generation

But if you love someone then you don't lie to them? She is lying, right?

She doesn't even believe in God. Never has, still doesn't and she thinks she can keep this up

He will feel utterly betrayed if her mask slips

She's usually so nice too, she does treat him so well. She is so lovely to him and her eyes light up when she talks about him

This isn't gonna end well

Faking faith would be a deal breaker for someone committed to their faith I think, definitely.

I haven’t even had the guts to admit to my dad I’m now an atheist!

I do think you should tell someone close to him. Maybe his pastor who has some responsibility to look out for him. This is not a friend you want anyway surely.

She’ll be out drinking and shagging as soon as she is bored.

I feel sorry for him

Maybe not the shagging if she really loves him

From what I can gather - she's angling for a ring but won't pressure, will just nod and agree

He won't live with her until marriage - they don't even have sex - she is really committed to this act - part of me nearly admires her bloody commitment to deception ffs

He thinks she believes in God, she has promised to explore this although he's put her under no pressure to attend church - the alpha course is gonna be an announcement to impress him

I think she thinks when she announces she's "found God" she'll be rewarded with a ring

Sorry I sound so heavily invested but my mind is totally blown

Well they do say God moves in mysterious ways!

Maybe she’s really changed but worried you will judge her/think she’s boring?

If this is real, and I have my doubts, I can't really understand why you're concerned for her tbh. She's set herself on a path to 'catch' this poor man for some reason and that's what she intends to do.

She actually sounds pretty unpleasant and he sound utterly boring.

If anyone needs your concern I suspect it'll be him when she no longer feels the needs to try to pull the wool over his eyes.

Yes it's real. Why wouldn't it be real? I have nothing to gain from this

Perhaps God does move in mysterious ways. I know she loves her DP, and he's so good for her soul. He also seems very content and happy

I'm struggling to articulate how I feel though. I know it's really none of my business - but I wish I could tell her to stop this nonsense and to tell him the truth, because she is normally so bloody nice. There is no reason why he wouldn't love her as she usually is; okay the drinking and filthy sense of humour probably isn't his thing but I feel they're both being cheated

@pigsDOfly I'm concerned because I don't think it's possible to keep up an act

Of course it isn't possible to keep up an act but if that's what she's decided she is going to do in order to snare this man she only has herself to blame when it all goes wrong.

As I say surely he's the one to be concerned about as he's not privy to her scheme.

Yeah, I do feel sorry for him

Seems to me like she's stuck between two worlds - fun and love; and she can't have both

But what happens when she gets the ring? Is he so old-fashioned that he believes a marriage is forever?