BF playing a role to trick her BF..AIBU to be sad?

[LettuceKissYa]

NC for this

I am very concerned for my best friend; and yet I can’t help but look at her in a negative light

Best friend is about a year into a new relationship with a perfectly nice man. He’s very traditional, religious and quiet – absolutely lovely though. My BF has transformed herself into this – flip, I dunno – “perfect woman” – and has become unrecognisable

She has always been argumentative, passionate and a pain in the arse (joke..) but now she is so passive, smiles sweetly at DP and agrees with everything..

BF has always been loud, outgoing, a drinker, a lover of one night stands. She’s mid-twenties. Her DP is considerably older than her, earns more but not an awful lot more. She is very generous to him, as he is to her. They are equal in this respect

Life for my BF is now alcohol free, quiet nights in, cinema, meals out – she doesn’t swear, has disappeared off social media & is a changed woman

Now:

BF has confided in me that this is all an act. She wants the ring on her finger. She is prepared to play the long game. She has faked an interest in religion, has downplayed her sexual past and has told me that she will celebrate her wedding with champagne. Her DP has shown a reluctance to have more DC (they have one each) and she tells me “there will be a baby when I decide..”

I’m not gonna do anything. I’m just so sad. Playing a part to snare a man..

AIBU or is this fucking shocking?

Well either she is an excellent actress with remarkable staying power or she really has changed for this man. She can say all she likes but if her eyes light up when she talks about him then I would say it is all about him. Not the money or religion - just him.
Whether she is ready to acknowledge the change to herself is another thing but since she has given all her old ways up for a year already with no ring on the horizon I would say that she has found herself and wants someone to 'blame' .

Why aren't they having sex?

Why is she happy to marry a man she hasn’t had sex with?

He’s divorced or widowed if he has a child already. Which is it?

And what’s his family like?

Maybe the act is for you - maybe she feels she has to pretend in front of you but really she wants the quiet stable life he offers? People change.

Haven’t you said how worried you are about her?

Tell him she's taking the piss out of him.

I can't understand why your friend is doing it, what has she got to gain from marrying him?..is he wealthy and she is planning to marry him and then divorce him and take half,

But why is she doing it, in the first place? Okay, yeah, we know that she is keen to settle down. But why should the pretence be necessary for that? The relationship is fundamentally flawed anyway (game-playing and lying aside!) if he cannot accept her for who she really is. I actually feel sorry for her, if she is having to use a fake persona to make him want her long-term.

Not a lot you can do tbh op. It sounds a very sorry situation.
Mind you, he might not be as green as he’s cabbage looking. He’s got a younger woman on his arm, maybe he’s happy.
Not sure she’d still be my friend tho

Bizzare

I think that she may love him and actually find his way of living attractive. If what you say is true, she has little motivation to pretend, and has invested a lot of effort in the ‘new her’. Perhaps she is attracted to growing up a bit and not having a lot of one night stands and getting drunk? That’s not the only way to be a fun person. My sister thought my DP and I were wildly incompatible, because he’s quiet, and when we decided to get married she said I’d miss ‘having fun’. I’ve had more fun with him over the years than any one night stands ever gave me. I suspect that she feels she has to put on a front for you, not him. It would be exhausting to maintain a fake personality day to day, much easier for an occasional meet up! Try taking it more seriously and speaking about him more kindly and see if she opens up.

I suspect she thinks once they're married he'll forgive all and that yes, marriage is forever

I would love to get her to myself for a weekend, to chat and relax and see what's really going on - but she won't leave him he bought her a weekend spa voucher because he had a lot of work on, told her to take a mate - she wouldn't go because she wouldn't enjoy herself without him

This is why I know it isn't a control thing or anything. He is really nice. No sex before marriage - not for me to judge, I didn't have sex before marriage myself but she's happy enough

Maybe she has changed. I would never judge her for quietening down and living a more settled life - it's just all this "new her" stuff and the secretive moaning about missing vodka and holidays to Ibiza are bending my mind a bit

Giving up shagging and drinking for a year isn’t nothing for a party animal. I think others might be right she that actually enjoys her new life and is just putting on a front for you so you don’t take the piss. It can be hard to get your friends to take you seriously when you change your life dramatically.
I’d do a bit more subtle digging though, just in case it is a control thing on his part.

It sounds as though she has changed but you're wedded to the idea of the 'old' her so she feels she has to humour you by pretending she's not really changed.

I would never mock her

Maybe I've been wrong, and if I am then fair enough. I will keep an eye out but I'm fairly sure this isn't control..she pretty much walks around with hearts in her eyes

It’s a bit sad really for her I think

1. she’s pretending to be someone she’s not to bag a man
2. it’s not real , he’s fallen in love with this teetotal passive boring person,
3. she’s going to pretend until wedding day what does she think will happen then , they live happily ever after I don’t think so . He won’t be happy , she won’t be happy and kids won’t be happy . Happy divorce Leave her to it and tbh do you want to be friends with someone so deceitful? Stand back and watch it end badly .

I think I would be more concerned that somebody I thought I knew had a totally different side; and not a nice one either. If she is prepared to be so deceitful to someone she is supposedly sharing her life with, semi living with, having sex with, then her loyalties to you will be even less. I would be slowly but surely easing my way from that friendship. I wouldn't cut her off completely but would feel extremely wary of sharing any information or my feelings with someone so blatantly dishonest.

I think she just wants a horse....

She likes the idea of stable

My BF is one of those "strong independent woman" types

Plainly she isn't.

How long does she think she can go on method acting for something that isn't going to make her happy?

@Lettucekissya

You a bit jealous?

What business is it of yours if she has reinvented herself? She is obviously happy, and he probably is too.

You sound waaaaaay too over-invested in all of this.

I am not at all jealous

Just shocked at her confession earlier

Thanks everyone

marriage is forever

But you said he has a child, so is he divorced? Or widowed?

The problem is going to be when she reverts back to her true party animal self after the wedding. This will not lead to long term stability.

Hmm. My sister was a party girl in her teens and early twenties and changed overnight when she met her solid, teetotal, v straight laced DH.

Ten years and two kids later she had an affair and left him, and is now back to heavy drinking and partying and lots and lots of casual sex.

So it does happen, but it’s unlikely to end well.

Divorced against his wishes. All amicable now but from what I know he forgave ex wife for being a shambles but she left and has remarried

Why would OP be jealous? What on earth is enviable about this situation?