BF playing a role to trick her BF..AIBU to be sad?

[LettuceKissYa]

NC for this

I am very concerned for my best friend; and yet I can’t help but look at her in a negative light

Best friend is about a year into a new relationship with a perfectly nice man. He’s very traditional, religious and quiet – absolutely lovely though. My BF has transformed herself into this – flip, I dunno – “perfect woman” – and has become unrecognisable

She has always been argumentative, passionate and a pain in the arse (joke..) but now she is so passive, smiles sweetly at DP and agrees with everything..

BF has always been loud, outgoing, a drinker, a lover of one night stands. She’s mid-twenties. Her DP is considerably older than her, earns more but not an awful lot more. She is very generous to him, as he is to her. They are equal in this respect

Life for my BF is now alcohol free, quiet nights in, cinema, meals out – she doesn’t swear, has disappeared off social media & is a changed woman

Now:

BF has confided in me that this is all an act. She wants the ring on her finger. She is prepared to play the long game. She has faked an interest in religion, has downplayed her sexual past and has told me that she will celebrate her wedding with champagne. Her DP has shown a reluctance to have more DC (they have one each) and she tells me “there will be a baby when I decide..”

I’m not gonna do anything. I’m just so sad. Playing a part to snare a man..

AIBU or is this fucking shocking?

Why would I say she is jealous??? Because she is bizarrely over-invested, and seems to know an awful lot about her 'friend,' and the relationship she has with this man.....

This sounds quite similar, apart from the religion element, to the film 27 Dresses where the heroine's awful sister meets heroine's boss - a lovely, straight-up guy. Heroine thinks she loves him (she doesn't of course, she loves the annoying reporter) but flaky, boozy, party-loving Sis snaffles said boss by pretending to be a super-good girl, clean-living, never drank, does charitable works, etc etc. Doesn't end well for party girl Sis.
As for your friend -- well, you say she really does love the bloke. Perhaps she is doing her best to change - she wants the new life that she thinks this man can give her, so that's a big motivator too. It may work out but I understand your discomfort with the whole scenario when she told you her plan.
Or, as a PP said, perhaps that was just what she thought you wanted to hear and she's a bit of a chameleon.... different personalities depending on who she's with. Hard to keep that up in a marriage, though. It might be best to distance yourself a bit from the whole situation.

I've been on MN a long time

Every single post these days - someone is suspicious about a fake thread

I have known my friend for twenty years - she knows everything about me and my husband. Our children, my IVF, my miscarriages etc - we have been inseparable throughout all of life's up and downs..we speak daily, she knows more about me (deepest darkest stuff) than my husband

She knows about uni one night stands, holding my hair back to be sick after too many shots, fifteen year old me being traumatised after a teenage love etc

That's what friends do!

Perhaps God does move in mysterious ways

What, through deceit and lies?

I know she loves her DP and he's so good for her soul

How is it love if she is deceiving him? It's devious and disrespectful

Why would I say she is jealous??? Because she is bizarrely over-invested, and seems to know an awful lot about her 'friend,' and the relationship she has with this man.....

That is very weird logic. I've read it three times and I still don't follow it. She cares about her friend and is in her confidence, therefore she is jealous of someone who is repressing and denying herself in order to get a man who can't possibly make her happy?

Thank you @AynRandTheObjectivist

No jealousy here - just confusion

I know he forgave ex wife for being a shambles

What on earth does that mean?!

Somebody who forced his former spouse to wait 5 years for a divorce doesn't sound all that laid back or nice to me.

I don't get it, butterfly. It was a joke, then? I don't get the funny. Don't worry about it.

@AnoukSpirit sorry - their former marriage is none of my business but I know that she behaved disgracefully - I know her personally

I really don't think it's fair of me to comment on their marriage

I suspect butterflysugarbaby thinks they're being super witty and hilarious... I don't get it either.

Actually this reads like the textbook M.O. of an abuser as it’s exactly what a lot of abusive men do, they’re full of charm & it’s all hearts & roses until they “trap” the person with marriage & kids. Suddenly their personality changes overnight & the spouse is left blindsided & doesn’t recognize the person they married.

there will be a baby when I decide...

During pregnancy & just after childbirth is usually when the abuser’s true colours come out as it’s harder to walk away once a child is involved. The abuser banks on the fact that their spouse won’t break up the family.

Sorry but your friend sounds like a really horrible person. If they get married and her "true" character appears is it possible he will divorce her?

From what I know he is absolutely against divorce and believes vows are "for better for worse"

Now he would feel at the time though? Who knows

This will probably end up as a complete mess

Well, tbh neither of them are sounding much like prizes so maybe it's best they shack up together and don't bother anyone else?

He's lovely but definitely in a dependable, secure and balanced way

She is normally a firecracker. Now she resembles a soggy dishcloth

Maybe she'll crack, Christmas is hard to do sober if your heart yearns for gin

She may not be fooling him at all. He may be playing his own little game. But that doesn't seem to have occurred to her. She must think he's a complete idiot.

I think this is a case of 'be careful what you wish for'.

I can't say I feel too sorry for your friend though. She sounds like an utter bitch.

@Whocansay well she's in her twenties and this waiting about.....he's been married and doesn't want any more children

She wants the ring and the baby

They could be wasting each others' times

They seem to be completely unsuited. I don't see how you can make a happy marriage based on lies.

Maybe she's just having trouble accepting that she's changed her personality and interests for a man; if she previously saw herself as a strong independent woman then this is going to cause her some cognitive dissonance. So she may be lying to herself as well as you.

she sounds confused youre in your 20's i dont think she wants to admit shes changed so is pretending to u its all a game where deep down shes happy

why would she light up talking about him if it was fake