To believe that on these Mumsnet threads we should be respectful of the OP?

[Time4Gin]

Been on and off MN for a few years but recently rejoined and was utterly amazed at the vitriol and hate that some Talk OPs get when appealing for advice, support or a shoulder to cry on.

Come on ladies, (and some men), what happened to the sisterhood? To feminism? To sticking together, surely how and why mumsnet even got started!

A few posts and threads have been removed, so it’s clear MN don’t like the intention and content of some posters who seem to be causing offensive IRL. I just can’t believe these people haven’t been blocked permanently as they’re so gratuitous, seemingly only existing to “slag off” or “flame”.

Some of the stuff the OPs in the threads I’m thinking of have been contentious, difficult things and often things I really don’t agree with myself - completely fair enough; I either don’t comment or I try to give my opinion tactfully. Supportively. But I am not rude!

We are all human beings, most of us (by the sound of the anger of the posters and the content of the OPs’ posts) are vulnerable and in need of sensitivity even if that’s “no I totally disagree”. We don’t have to be so nasty!

Can’t understand the maliciousness, the vulgarity, the gratuitous horribleness of some posters. THIS IS NOT TWITTER!

And to the poster who last night said respect must be earned (to me asking again for posters to respect the OP) - what about decorum, dignity and self-respect of our own conduct? Show some!

AIBU to suggest we should all be a bit kinder in this difficult world? Life’s tough enough as it is.

Anyone?

(Obviously I’m “asking” for a “flaming” )

Lol

YANBU.

There can be some really mean, nasty and unsupportive comments towards the OP.

@bitchqueen90 I am posting on AIBU about “mumsnet threads”’in general regardless of where so yes @auntiestella it is a thread about a thread but I’m not inviting anyone to do anything but answer the question am I being unreasonable in my titular question? And hence @iknowitstimhonkstimhonks the title of AIBU is asking whether ie Am I? OPs are asking opinion, not Tell Me I’m being... ? But I see your point about what it’s being turned into!

Getting a bit off point there but I appreciate the respectful debate!

@powerless I am so sorry to hear that, that’s so awful and I am glad you’re still here xx blimey xx

I'm torn on this. On the one hand there are some threads where perhaps the OP was being a bit U, but instead of pointing it out politely people take great pleasure in sticking the boot in. Sometimes the OP has done nothing wrong at all and some posters go out of their way to find a fault so in some cases I agree we should be more supportive.

On the other hand some OP's make deliberately inflammatory posts and I don't have a lot of sympathy.

I also don't think being supportive has to involve agreeing with the OP when they are being unreasonable. Especially when it involves the welfare of a child.

we are all individuals.

I'm not.

I think YABU. Some OP's do not deserve respect at all. One woman, whose thread has been deleted now, was clearly a terrible person. She was saying that her husband doesn't want more children and she was very angry with him... they already had 6 children and he worked 2 jobs and he just didn't want any more. But the way she was going off about him and talking about him, she clearly felt as though she were owed another child and that he didn't deserve any say in the matter. It was disgusting. She absolutely did not deserve any respect, and in fact she didn't deserve that husband. So, no, just because you post, you don't automatically become deserving of respect.

I agree with you about the spitefulness, especially from people who have deliberately misunderstood what an OP is saying.

But YABVU to link it to feminism and women's right to equal pay. How patronising! Plenty of men manage to regularly punch the shit out of each other and aren't subject to structural disadvantage for it.

@binkyandbunty Yes you’re right about “sisterhood” stuff, I realise I meant really that we should be supportive to anyone posting if in need and the maj here are women, that’s all. Badly put by me there, sorry.

@goth237 people could have said “yes you are being unreasonable”’(I didn’t see the post and I agree with some of your thoughts) but she wasn’t “clearly a terrible person” that meant people had to slate her(if they did) but I see what you’re saying

I couldn't agree more. Some posters seem to get a kick out of stamping on the OPs head (metaphor).

I have been on the receiving end. Not a nice place to be.

Before coming back to MN with a different name I had a thread up where I was sad about missing a day out with a friend who I hadn't seen in years

I took a financial hit and could no longer afford the train fair to go to this (free) event they were going to. They were driving my way so I asked if I could get a ride with them.

One absolutely vile individual came on and managed to turn the situation all the way back on to me and set about telling me i was a bad friend, saying I am a liar, why did I lie to my friends about whether I could afford train fares. How dare I ask whether they'd consider letting me ride with them. I'm a bad person. A CF. They just went on and on and on.

I was suffering from postnatal depression at the time, was open about the fact I was feeling low and this individual continued to poke me with a stick for several pages despite me asking them to leave me alone as they were upsetting me.

I came off MN for a long time after that and have never forgotten about it. In hindsight this person was clearly trolling and intent on causing trouble but at the time my already emotional state was made worse because of unnecessary nastiness. There were some lovely posters who came on and pointed out how out of order she was being.

Most of you are lovely but

I would like to add my comments I agreement with this, after something I posted at the weekend.

• It was NOT in AIBU
• I asked in my title for reassurance
• A few posters had a go at me
• Like a dog with a bone, it continued, with hugely incorrect assumptions and projections
• When I pointed out aggression, it was negated

I have been here several years and am made of strong stuff but some of it was below the belt. A couple of posters kindly pointed out that I was getting a hard time and I focussed on those, but someone else might have dealt with it badly and worked towards a different outcome.

There is a lot of attacking. Really, a lot. And I think I was on a reasonably mild end of it.

this is why feminism doesn’t work and we don’t get paid equally - no one will take women seriously if we slate each other off all the time!

Yes that is exactly why we get paid less and why men don’t take us seriously? Because men never argue amongst themselves do they?

To the general question- yes people can be a bit harsh on OPs I agree.

Yes @ifyouseeritemoreno men DO argue of course, but no way, on any fucking planet, are men as utterly vile to one another as women. From the school yard to the early days of working, right through to my 30's and 40's, women have ALWAYS been waaaaay more spiteful and bitchy to me than any man ever has.

Out of all the men I know - DH, brother, BIL, daughter's B/F, son, male friends, etc etc, every last ONE of them says that all the drama in their workplace, and bitchiness, involves women 95% of the time. The men just generally get on with things, maybe have a spat or two now and again, and sort it quickly, and move on... But women fall out a lot more, it lasts longer, the hatred, and bitterness, and jealousy is more insidious, and there are a lot more female cliques.

Not saying all women are bitchy and nasty of course, but don't try and pretend that men are as bitchy and catty as women - coz they don't even come close!!!

Yes @ifyouseeritemoreno men DO argue of course, but no way, on any fucking planet, are men as utterly vile to one another as women.

Seriously! Read what you’ve written repeating the words Stephen Lawrence to yourself over and over.

You’re right. Men don’t commit violent atrocities to each other on a daily basis do they? No war? No drunken barfights? No football fans beating the shit out of each other?

Of course, you’re gonna say “but that’s different!” Different why? Because when women do it it’s somehow worse? Because we’re supposed to be all sweetness and light?

I think my 'sisterhood' comments and feminism comments have detracted somewhat, my apologies, I do think women should be nicer to each other but for the sake of this thread it was more to say that as a bunch of people who are in the majority women, MN was designed to be a supportive platform, and lots of the threads aren't, and some people, who seem again to be in the majority female, are getting flamed and it's awful to see (and IMO I wish the 'flamers' would get banned) - which is not to say I don't believe in free speech or people disagreeing. Also, perhaps some people 'don't deserve respect' but I think you have to respect someone's opinion if you're going to propound your own... maybe it's just me... (and I don't always IRL of course, I can argue irrationally like the rest of us). It's just when it is on an anonymous forum originally designed FOR people, not against people... and some people do come here in very vulnerable states.

Anyhow, thank you for your replies, for or against. Sorry about confusing the issue with not-very-well-thought-out feminism stuff!

I remember when I came on here under a different name to discuss my unplanned pregnancy that only came to light when I was 20 weeks pregnant.

One regular poster on here suggested adoption. I politely asked people not to suggest adoption as I am married with children already and giving up a child would be out of the question.

I was called a ‘fucking cunt’ and not to ‘bother asking for fucking advice then.’ They later private messaged me to find out if my username related to where I worked (presumably to call a pregnant woman a cunt or worse to her face)

Lots of people defended me but I was in a very vulnerable place at the time and I was so shocked. Whenever I see that username on here now I just leave the thread. There are some really vile people on here.

@GoatWithACoat that's awful, can you report it if that person is still around, do you have any of the threads still (bet you deleted them, unsurprisingly!). I know MN has guidelines, but I think IP addresses should be banned once someone has caused huge horrible offence, so they can't change their name or email address and come back to spread worse.

@asyouare and @littlepill sorry to hear, all so awful and opposite to whole idea of MN, which I have found really useful and helpful, ordinarily

Gosh why are people being so horrid about the sisterhood reference?

Wait until you're going through the menopause as I am. It has only been made marginally better by supportive women friends and colleagues.

This has been happening for years. Ages ago I posted about a situation with my neighbours. I was at rock bottom and what my neighbour did was the final straw. Some posters were really awful to me and even went onto a Facebook page and were making fun of me on there.

A couple of years later, I had to move due to the neighbour harassment. I was then assessed and found out I’m autistic.

I find women are often in competition with each other and will stand on each other’s heads just to score a few points.

Calm down @ifyouseeritamoreno

Why so angry?

No way in hell are men as mean and bitchy towards each other as women are. That's a fact.

time4gin I actually left for a bit after that as I was in a bad place. However MN did see and delete the posts but I think the poster should have been banned.

I've been on and off MN for years. I drift back and enjoy the genuinely funny witty stuff of which there is plenty but I end up leaving again because the plain unnecessary nastiness from some drags me down after a while. It has always been like that really. I do think the tone of the place has changed more recently, it seems a lot more narrow-minded on here these days.

I left mumsnet for a long time due to this sort of thing. I basically started a thread about some issues within my marriage, a problem DH was having that was affecting me and I was told in pretty vile terms that I was horrible and selfish and that it is him that was suffering and no surprises as I was so selfish. It was truly devastating and still to this day I don't understand it, surely in a marriage anything a partner is going through affects the other person too. I have seen it regularly since to other posters. So unfair really, I needed a bit of support and advice.

To top it off I had a proposition of sex by PM on the back of that thread too!

Of course, you’re gonna say “but that’s different!” Different why? Because when women do it it’s somehow worse? Because we’re supposed to be all sweetness and light?

I agree with rita