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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby on the way, my name, her name, not sure either of us ABU...

56 replies

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 21/08/2018 11:03

This isn't one of those things that's causing arguments, rather we can both understand the other's point of view and the inability for us both to get what we want is a tiny blot on an otherwise very happy thing.

Quick background: I live with my girlfriend and her two daughters, and have done for a couple of years. I have an excellent relationship with the girls. They see their dad every other weekend and he and my girlfriend are on very amicable terms, and he and I get on fine even if we're not destined to be best buddies. All in all between the three of us we've given the girls a stable, comfortable environment and routine in which they are loved and are thriving. That's all great.

Before the summer my girlfriend and I reached the point where we wanted to try for a new one. And that all went very well.

Now, here's the thing. We're not married. When we do we're keeping our names and both taking the other's surname as a bonus middle name preceding our surname. We barely even had to discuss that one and both feel the same.

The girls have her surname and their father's surname as a last middle name.

And... we're in a bit of a bind about whose surname the new baby will have.

She mainly wants the three kids to have the same surname. I think that's entirely reasonable, but also feel like the girls are very comfortable with the fact that this child will have their step-dad as dad. I don't think the difference will upset them.

I kind want the kid to have my name. I'm very close to my parents and family in general and I'm proud of the name, and the association that goes with it in the areas that my family live in. I don't think that's unreasonable is it?

Should we just toss a coin? Our relationship isn't weak enough to be rocked by this, I think it just bugs us that there doesn't seem to be a right answer or a way for us both to enjoy the same outcome.

OP posts:

Justanothernameonthepage · 21/08/2018 11:04

Why not yours as a middle name?

CripsSandwiches · 21/08/2018 11:06

I agree with yours as a middle name or even double barrelled (it would depend on whether that works for your particular names).

PatrickMerricksGoshawk · 21/08/2018 11:07

www.bbc.com/ideas/videos/seven-simple-solutions-to-the-surname-dilemma/p06hrgj9

I think the Spanish option works well - note the detail of how half siblings will always share one of their names.

KatyN · 21/08/2018 11:10

Is it not an option at all for you to change your name on marriage?? I changed my name and it doesn’t wake away from your family or who you are. I often still refer to my maiden name (batchelor name). My nickname comes from it. I just like having the same name as everyone in my household.

SlothSlothSloth · 21/08/2018 11:11

Babies should always have the mother’s name. Think about it - who is doing more work to grow the baby, you or her? And if you break up, who will the baby live with? Probably her.

So there you go then - logically it needs to be her name. Especially since her other kids already have this name.

Yours should be the middle name.

SlothSlothSloth · 21/08/2018 11:12

I would be peeved at a man suggesting my baby should just have his surname, tbh. It’s patriarchal nonsense.

cucumberwater · 21/08/2018 11:12

Double barrel or hers as surname, yours as middle.

VikingVolva · 21/08/2018 11:14

No, you don't toss a coin!

Traditionally, DC have their mother's names, which matched fathers if married

I see absolutely no reason to depart from tradition in thhis case, especially as siblings having the same name is so sensible.

Your surname can be in the middle, just as the other DC's father's surname is in the middle. It is not unreasonable to be proud of your name. It is unreasonable to expect it to be given to a particular child, when the practical reasons for a difference choice, and tradition, are all against it.

ThePricklySheep · 21/08/2018 11:14

Double barrel seems fairest to me?

OutPinked · 21/08/2018 11:15

I have three DC to my exH and the DC have both our surnames double barrelled. Even though we were married, I kept my surname and wanted them to have it too.

Now I am expecting with my DP, we are having a double barrelled for this baby too. So the surname will obviously be slightly different from my DC’s but there’ll be a link.

Lazypuppy · 21/08/2018 11:18

@NewLevelsOfTiredness me and my partner double barrelled baby's name as we aren't married.

Whrn ee get married, i will take his surname and we will change baby then.

I don't really like double barralled surnames, but was only fair way to do it for us, and its only temporary.

Can't you change your name to hers when you get married?

HoppingPavlova · 21/08/2018 11:24

Mum's name, especially as it will match the siblings. No brainer.

MoggyP · 21/08/2018 11:24

As you say, it's a 'tiny blot'

So not a biggie for you to change your name to he one that everyone else is proud to bear.

Your DP shouid definitely continue the naming pattern she has for her DC.

Karigan198 · 21/08/2018 11:28

Hyphonate yours and her surnames or one first then the other choosing the one that could most be a middle name as the first.

Have exierienced difficulties myself as my son took his father’s name and now every time I go in holiday I get quizzed by the passport people and suspected of child abduction. Using both your names is safer

Jamesonthegiantbeach · 21/08/2018 11:29

I’d go with double barrelled.

Rosemary46 · 21/08/2018 11:29

So can I check - your Gf and her children all have the same lasts name? But you want her to use YOUR name for her next child, even though you are not married and even if you were, she wouldn’t chmnage her nam.

Is that right ?

If so, dont be daft. Why would this be best for the child , the other children and for your GF?

If it bothers you then change your own name to hers. It’s a tiny thing as you say. You can do it easily by deed poll tomorrow.

Rosemary46 · 21/08/2018 11:30

Sorry for the typos

Chickychoccyegg · 21/08/2018 11:41

I also think the baby should have you're dp's last name, if you were to split up, it's much easier if children have the same name as their mum, as the children usually stay with mum, also as the only one in the house with a different name, it makes more sense to change your name, just agree to double barrel or put your name as the middle name.

Uncreative · 21/08/2018 11:44

You are not married. The baby should have it’s mother’s name. It will match in hospital and forever after. She is likely to do most of the liaising with doctors, schools, etc.

Original poster

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 21/08/2018 11:48

@SlothSlothSloth I emigrated to Scandinavia a while ago and once breastfeeding is over it's very 50/50. Maternity/Paternity leave is a year split however the parents chose, and as is the norm here we'll both be working after that. I realise it's not as common elsewhere, but it's hard not to be slightly offended by the notion that I'll do less than an equal share of the work involved, within the boundaries of what is biologically possible (yes, mental load included!)

I should have added that yes, regardless of which name is chosen the other name will be the 'last middle name.' The eldest girl tends to think of her name in terms of it being double barreled anyway (it's not like she has to fill out many official forms at eight years old) so whatever solution we come up will feel different to her.

Tradition is a little less rigid here - my gf offered the girl's dad the option of them taking his name, he declined as he's not overly close to his family and has little attachment to the name.

As for changing my name. I think it's the immigrant thing. I've dived headfirst into this culture, which I love very much. Learned the language, adopted the customs. My name is my little bit of 'original' identity that I've brought with me and hold onto, if that makes sense. I hope it doesn't seem too arrogant to want to hold onto it.

Although it sounds awful pronounced by locals now I think about it, maybe that swings the vote.

OP posts:

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 21/08/2018 11:49

or just get married?

Original poster

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 21/08/2018 11:52

Should add to the couple that mentioned it - after a split 50/50 custody is far and away the norm here, barring situations where one is deemed unable. My girlfriend and her ex's arrangement is the exception rather than the rule.

OP posts:

boredmaman · 21/08/2018 11:52

or just get married?

How would that change the issue at all?

flowery · 21/08/2018 11:55

”The girls have her surname and their father's surname as a last middle name.”

I don’t understand the reason for deviating from that? Why would you not just do the same? All the DC are consistent with each other and both you are DP get your names ‘in there’.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 21/08/2018 11:57

I can understand why you’re struggling to find something you are both actually happy with and it’s great it’s not causing a problem as such.

In your situation I would double barrel, with her name first. I believe a baby should have its mothers surname, for many reasons. Then on top of that it’s clear her DD is hers (good for travelling if nothing else), it matches the sisters (to a point), and then it should also have your name as it’s your baby too and that’s nice.

Is there’s any reason this wasn’t the obvious choIce?

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