Baby on the way, my name, her name, not sure either of us ABU...

[NewLevelsOfTiredness]

This isn't one of those things that's causing arguments, rather we can both understand the other's point of view and the inability for us both to get what we want is a tiny blot on an otherwise very happy thing.

Quick background: I live with my girlfriend and her two daughters, and have done for a couple of years. I have an excellent relationship with the girls. They see their dad every other weekend and he and my girlfriend are on very amicable terms, and he and I get on fine even if we're not destined to be best buddies. All in all between the three of us we've given the girls a stable, comfortable environment and routine in which they are loved and are thriving. That's all great.

Before the summer my girlfriend and I reached the point where we wanted to try for a new one. And that all went very well.

Now, here's the thing. We're not married. When we do we're keeping our names and both taking the other's surname as a bonus middle name preceding our surname. We barely even had to discuss that one and both feel the same.

The girls have her surname and their father's surname as a last middle name.

And... we're in a bit of a bind about whose surname the new baby will have.

She mainly wants the three kids to have the same surname. I think that's entirely reasonable, but also feel like the girls are very comfortable with the fact that this child will have their step-dad as dad. I don't think the difference will upset them.

I kind want the kid to have my name. I'm very close to my parents and family in general and I'm proud of the name, and the association that goes with it in the areas that my family live in. I don't think that's unreasonable is it?

Should we just toss a coin? Our relationship isn't weak enough to be rocked by this, I think it just bugs us that there doesn't seem to be a right answer or a way for us both to enjoy the same outcome.

To me it makes sense to do the same with this child as the first two. So it has mum's surname and your surname as last middle name.

OP am I reading this right..?

*When we do we're keeping our names and both taking the other's surname as a bonus middle name preceding our surname. We barely even had to discuss that one and both feel the same.

The girls have her surname and their father's surname as a last middle name.*

So your girlfriend is: Sally Smith after marriage will be: Sally Jones Smith
You are: John Jones and will be John Smith Jones
Her daughters with Bob Brown are: Dd1 Brown Smith and DD2 Brown Smith

Surely then it’s a case of new baby is just Baby Jones Smith either as an non-hyphenated double barrelled last name or as middle name last name? I’d go for the former and you do the same upon marriage.

As for rookie saying “just get married now” and then what Sally become simply Sally Jones and her daughters lose the surname link to her and the baby? 🙄

I would use your name as the last middle name then the mothers name as actual surname, the same as her sisters and her mum. You will still have mothers name as last middle name then your surname, so you're all still linked together nicely.

flowery because he, understandably, wants his DC to have his name as a surname, not a middle name. As most people do. A middle name is not the same thing.

Though, OP, if you think you’ll be living there permanently, I would seriously think about using yours as ‘the last middle name’ if it does sound awful on the native tongue. Maybe your family would understand that better too - not that it’s down to them, but it’s not nice to hurt their feelings.

Do the new baby's name in the same style as its siblings, except with your surname in place of the older kids' father's name. Makes sense for the kids to stick with the same pattern.

@AnnieAnoniMoose

We don't know the gender yet! Although it's the first pregnancy that she's suffered any sickness and believes it's therefore a boy

I'll suggest it, but generally I think it'll end up with her name with mine tucked in the middle. The consolation is that middle names are used a bit more prominently here, so it'll be that bit more visible. She has said that since it'll be my only child, she'd go with my name if I really wanted it (assuming the child is born healthy, I'm signing up for the snip immediately.) I think the decent thing is to appreciate having a girlfriend who is loving enough to concede that, and then do the decent thing and let the child share its siblings name.

Is it a bad thing to feel some lingering sadness at your name stopping with you? I think I had this image that we could both keep our names going (we're both very close to our families. Neither of us have any tradition-based or tradition-rejecting-based reasons for keeping our names, we're both just proud of where we came from.) I also realise that the whole 'name stopping with you' thing is something women endured for countless generations.

The Bly fair way I can see other than toss a coin is to decide that if it's a boy the surnames will be double barrelled one way round and if a girl then the other way round. This is assuming they don't sound ridiculous like that.

OP I just have to say, that whatever decision you come to, you sound like an amazing partner and such a lovely person.

I personally think the baby should carry your name, but that is probably because I'm quite traditional in my views. We had a baby before getting married and it didn't even cross my mind that DD wouldn't take my partners surname!

So for arguments sake
Mum is called Mum Bloggs
Ex is called Ex Stevens
You're called Dad Philips

So daughters are called
DaughterOne Stevens Bloggs
DaughterTwo Stevens Bloggs

If I were you I would call baby

Baby Bloggs-Philips

That way, the baby can be seen as the 'link' to bringing all of your names together! Which might be quite nice for the elder daughters.

@SPR1107 & @Mimisunshine

Thank you - I'd intended to visualize the situation with examples as you two have but had a complete mind blank when trying to think of example names!

SPR1107 - your rationale is lovely. The name sounds ok double-barreled that way.

I do think my girlfriend's name is coming out as the winner here though. I think I knew it before I posted. Weird how writing stuff down can help clear the mind.

Is it a bad thing to feel some lingering sadness at your name stopping with you?

I genuinely think this is a bit silly to be honest. Hardly anyone has a unique surname, there will be someone in the world who is continuing your name.

I'd go for mum's name as surname and yours as middle name because it ties the siblings together (and do you really want to look like a bigger fan of the patriarchy than her ex?!). And that way DC can use her name, your name or both as s/he chooses.

Yes, sorry, I intended to type DC not DD!

You do sound lovely, as does she.

I do think it’s natural to feel sad/something when a name ‘dies out’. Often there are siblings that continue the name with their children, but even then it’s still ‘dying out’ down your line in the family tree. Especially after doing a lot of work on our family tree, I would double barrel and I honestly don’t understand why it would be a problem in your situation, especially as her dd’s only have her name as their surname - all of them being ‘Ellington’ and your DC being ‘Ellington-Smith’ seems nice to me and if you wanted to feel more included you could double barrel yours too instead of taking hers as a middle name

I'm a little confused by your OP.

So her current children are for example called Jane Jones Smith, if your name is Thompson, why can't your child be called John Thompson Smith?

Then the siblings all have a shared last name and your child takes both your name and his/her mother's?

it's hard not to be slightly offended by the notion that I'll do less than an equal share of the work involved, within the boundaries of what is biologically possible

I was talking about the biological element - that’s why I said “grow” the baby, not bring up. The biological element is HUGE. She is risking her health and has a high chance of ongoing conditions such as prolapse and sexual dysfunction and many more, which can be life-ruining. Her body will change forever in one way or another. She has to go through labour, which is at least excruciatingly painful and in many cases highly traumatic. She will face the most disruption due to breastfeeding and all the stresses associated this that.

You seem thoughtful and well-meaning. But the biological stuff is a massive, massive deal. She deserves to give the baby her name for this reason, and for all the practical reasons already covered.

You acknowledge women giving up their names/not carrying them on has been the norm for far too long. Now do something to redress the balance.

The baby will still have your name as a middle name. If he/she ends up preferring your name he/she can always use it as a surname in the future.

I think that in th Scottish way of following your clan via your mother, ALL children should have their mother’s surname, whether or not the parents are married. The thinking behind this is that whilst a child Mayo not know who its father is, apart from very exceptional cases, they always know who their mother is. Using the dad’s surname as a middle, or an addition surname sounds ideal

@PatrickMerricksGoshawk That was just the most interesting link Ive followed in a long time. Send it to dd 1 (age 20) who is now mixing all her friends names together (marrying them all up) grins.. Its really quite a fun idea.

Also enjoyed several of the other videos there.

So her current children are for example called Jane Jones Smith, if your name is Thompson, why can't your child be called John Thompson Smith?

Because the Op wants his name to be the most important one. Because he is an immigrant and the last of his family. And he intends to do a lot of the parenting and feels he deserves cookies for that intention.

And not at all because patriarchy.

Throw him a line @Rosemary46. I don't see you berating the mother for wanting the exact same thing as he does?
He's clearly stated he's leaning towards going with the mother's name. He asked for opinions, not judgement.

OP congrats on your imminent arrival! You sound lovely and very reasonable.

In general I think that people should keep their names when they get married and children should have a surname from each parent. (I like the Spanish system.) However, in some cases when there are blended families or the surnames just don’t work together at all, other solutions might be best.

In your case OP, I think the fairest way would be to give the baby both surnames, but in the circumstances - the fact that your partner already has two children with her surname, the fact that your surname is mispronounced in the local language, and the fact that middle names are used more frequently, I would suggest that you use your surname as a second middle name, with your partner’s name as the surname.

It’s ok to feel sad about not giving baby your surname, but you’ve made a conscious and considered choice about what’s best for the baby - that’s a positive thing and a sign that you’re already being a great dad

I'd double barrel. Then the surname includes the other girls' name (mum's name) but also yours, best of both! It ties her in surname to all of you, which is nice. No reason why your partner should agree to just your name but equally no reason why you should abide by the same 'system' of middle name she agreed with her ex! (No one uses middle names much, do they?)

I'd want my children to all have the same surname as me and each other.

I don't really get the whole pride in a name thing. It isn't something you've achieved. It's just a word.

I can't offer any better advice than that already given. But as a family tree researcher, I would dread the thought of trying to trace my family back when there are so many mixes, and double barrelling of surnames! Also there seem a lot more separations and divorces, or not necessarily marrying at all, where the whole family doesn't share the same surname(s).
It's going to be fun for future generations!

@Enko Fun isn’t it?

Her name. No need to deviate from the naming pattern she's used thus far. That way the siblings will all have the same surname.