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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask ex to make sure dd is supervised better?

65 replies

CandiedPeach · 21/08/2018 10:46

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable but I also don’t want to cause issues in a generally ok co-parenting relationship and I don’t want it to come across as me having a issue with him introducing dd to his new partner (I do, but I know there’s nothing I can do about it).

A few weekends back he took to dd to meet his new gf and her dc, while there one of the dc around 3 years old (I’m told) bit my dd (not let two). Quite a bad bite but I was ok with it, kids do these things and he was very apologetic and said the gf was too, dd was fine.

Now he’s just had dd for a long weekend and she came home last night with two bite marks one he’d told me about on her arm and another lighter one he didn’t mention on her tummy. Now he’s again very apologetic said dd was takingtots and his gf dc is having a biting stage. Nothing against the child and I’d say pretty relaxed with dd getting hurt, grazes bumps etc, even bites and scratches from other kids it’s part of childhood. But if they know what she’s like and considering the ages I really feel they can’t be supervising them well enough. DD’s met the girlfriends dc on two occasions and been biten both times.

DD’s going to nursery this afternoon and the bites will have to be written on a accident at home form (or possibly cause for concern form, which I’d rather be the case). I want to tell him he’s to come to nursery to drop her off and fill the form in (seen as I don’t know what exctly happened). And to say now they know this is a problem I expect dd to be supervised much better when around the other dc and possibly that it’s maybe too soon to be expecting them to spend long periods of time together.

I of course want to say much worse than that, but she’s my baby and seeing bite marks on her is horrid. So I’m really trying to bite my tongue and be reasonable. Then I think am I being a bit too reasonable and so they didn’t bother to watch her better when away.

OP posts:
Laserbird16 · 21/08/2018 11:05

It's a tricky one. My DD (2) has a friend at childcare who bites. They adore each other but any hint of frustration or excitement and she bites DD. I've been present when it has happened too and it was lightening quick. I don't think you're unreasonable to ask your ex to try and keep an eye on the situation and ask how they are approaching the other child's behaviour - the workers at child care would stop nipper and get her to see DD was hurt and sad and no biting even go and get an ice pack to help DD feel better and cuddles - but in reality it may just be really hard to stop! What's your feeling is ex pretty on top of this or not concerned?

loverly · 21/08/2018 11:06

YANBU. You're chil has come home injured. Once is an accident, twice is not. Also - on an arm is understandable - surely the one on her tummy is strange as anyone supervising would have seen it and he didn't know about it? What was he doing at the time to have not seen it?

I'd start from talking about the one he didn't mention. That way you can ask for them to be watched carefully/separated.

Optimusprimesmother · 21/08/2018 11:09

I’d be really annoyed with this really.

Is he spending the weekend at his Gf? Maybe he is taking her so the kids can keep them selfs occupied while they relax together Hmm

And yes I’d ask him to fill the form in himself

endofthelinefinally · 21/08/2018 11:21

Inform nursery that the injuries happened in the care of her father and they will have to contact him directly as he could only offer an explanation for 2 of them.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 21/08/2018 11:47

I don’t know how on top of out he is Laserbird he’s good at saying the right thing.
Discipline is another issue, when he told me about the first bite he said his gf snaked her dc for it. He knows my stance on smacking (and supposedly agrees) and straight away he said “I know but it’s nothing to do with me).

He hasn’t actually seen it happen at all. The first time was at a soft play place and dd came back crying his gf’s older dc said the younger had bitten her and she obviously had a mark. This time they’ve been away at a caravan for the weekend and he was in the shower when the arm happened and he doesn’t know about the tummy but thinks they must have just been playing and dd didn’t even notice or she’d have cried Hmm.
He swears dd shared a room with him and his gf and her kids shared the other. I’d asked about sleeping arrangements before hand because I didn’t think the three kids together was a good idea. DD’s too young to really tell me, although she’s a good speaker for her age. She’s shown me (pointing) the bites and says “ow, bite me” doesn’t give more detail but she showed me both her arm and tummy.

He’s said he’ll drop her at nursery with me though so I can see what he says when nursery ask him about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 21/08/2018 11:50

I did also say maybe they should give the kids a break from spending time together for a while. I don’t want dd getting upset about going and it could be that her dc is a bit jealous of a younger child coming along. He’s agreed, but considering he wasn’t introducing dd to anyone for years and that went out of the window pretty quickly, I’m not sure I believe him. Although his gfs dc are usually with there Dad when he has dd, he’s just been away apparently.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 21/08/2018 11:53

Apologies for spelling! I’m on my phone and it’s really delayed when I’m typing and I’m sure it’s changing words!

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 21/08/2018 12:39

The child who bit dd is four, is that a bit old for biting? Ex says three, but I had a sneaky look on her fb (not private at all and pictures of my dd) but her youngest just turned four a few weeks back, so he’s was possibly telling the truth that she was three the first time but almost four. Dd is 22 months and small for her age she looks about 12/18 months.

OP posts:
PrettyLovely · 21/08/2018 12:59

Oh I wouldn't like that at all, he needs to explain these bites to the nursery and he needs to make sure it doesnt ever happen again, And that means watching your dd at ALL times when he has her.
Explain that you dont want to fall out with him over it but that you are unhappy about it as its really unfair on your dd.

Fang2468 · 21/08/2018 13:04

I wouldn’t like this one bit, your dd has been bitten repeatedly whilst with this other child. I think he’s failing quite badly to supervise them.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 21/08/2018 13:05

I think 4 is old for biting eapically multiple times. Is the 4 year old NT? I’m not sure I’d wont my dd around people who smack their child either. Even if they never smack her it will make her scared.

DobbyIsAGoodElf · 21/08/2018 13:12

YANBU!
At first I had some sympathy for the other child and mother. My DD went through an awful biting phase and her poor brother took the brunt of it.
She was not yet 2 though so we pushed through it with consistent discipline and she got over it.

4 though? 4 years old?! If my 4 year old bit anyone, for any reason, he'd be punished appropriately. I'd be bloody furious and he would definitely know about it. It is absolutely not okay for a child of that age to bite and the fact it's happened twice is unacceptable.

I'd be having words with him and if the child can't behave appropriately I'd insist they were not left unsupervised at all.

FASH84 · 21/08/2018 13:48

I think it's positive that he will be speaking to the nursery directly as they will reiterate that it's a recordable issue, and hopefully that will help him to see he needs to monitor more closely and it's not something to be ignored or that your are making a big deal about. I also think it's not good that a four year old is biting in this way?!

Bluebell878275 · 21/08/2018 14:05

Is he spending the weekend at his Gf? Maybe he is taking her so the kids can keep them selfs occupied while they relax together hmm

For goodness sake Hmm

I'd just be making sure he explains to the nursery himself.

Bubblysqueak · 21/08/2018 14:10

I don't think it matters how closely you supervise bites happen. I was sat right next to a child at work playing with her when before I even realised what happened she had bit another child. Completely unprovoked.
I have even seen it with 2 adults to one child and the child still managed to bite.

heartsease68 · 21/08/2018 14:13

I would say that if it happens again you will need access to be either away from this child (until the biting period is over) or supervised at a contact centre. We wouldn't expect an adult to put up with assault. Children can be influenced by these early experiences. If your child becomes a biter too, what are you going to do? I think you've been very nice and understanding about it but enough is enough. You're also running the risk of a bite becoming infected and scarring every time it happens.

Aw12345 · 21/08/2018 14:24

Definitely get him to fill in the form himself... It happened on his watch.

Zarya · 21/08/2018 14:40

3 just turned 4 makes a big difference. Same age as my DS and he knows biting is not acceptable and understands it hurts.

As a pp said it might be jealousy, but there has to be something in place other than meeting violence with violence. I think your ex needs to take this a little more seriously.

If he plans to take this relationship further than he needs to talk about discipline. Otherwise either she may apply her tecniques to your daughter or they will have two types of discipline going on in the house which is not going to help the children get along.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 21/08/2018 14:47

He came into nursery and told them something different to what he'd told me, which I pulled him on in front of the nursery worker and he wasn't happy about that. So we ended up having s bit of a row (when we'd left nursery and dd wasn't with us). I said some things I shouldn't but I've been biting my tongue for a while and he started it (aware I sound like a child). I will apologise to him when I've calmed down.

OP posts:
heartsease68 · 21/08/2018 14:53

If my daughter was coming home from anywhere with bites and I realised I wasn't even being given the full truth about what happened, they would not be spending time with that person unsupervised without some major, major changes.

FASH84 · 21/08/2018 14:59

What did he say to the nursery OP?

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 21/08/2018 15:25

I do think I've been told the truth. But when he told nursery he was making out he'd seen and knew his both bites happened and I said "you told my you didn't know about the one on her tummy". So he was annoyed I'd made him look like he was lying (but he was lying!).
Now apparently even though I don't want him, I don't want him to be with anyone else.

I don't blame the child at all, she's still only a child. But from things he's said and I've heard (and I've really tried not to listen) I'm struggling not to judge his gf.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 21/08/2018 15:27

How not his! Frigging phone!

OP posts:
FASH84 · 21/08/2018 15:31

I'd just say to him if she comes back with bites again, there's to be no more contact with the other child. If he refuses or breaches that, it'd be supervised contact only. I'd text or email him to make sure it's in writing, eg... I've been thinking about what's been happening, DD has returned home on two occasions now with injuries caused by GFs child biting her, I'm not blaming the child and you have apologised a both times (important to include this bit, as this is an admission of what happened) but it's not ok this is happening to DD. From now on she's not to have contact with biteychild, if she comes back with further injuries or she has been put at risk of further injury by seeing this child, I'll have to reconsider our whole contact arrangement for Dds wellbeing.

Hideandgo · 21/08/2018 15:48

My just 4 yr old suddenly started biting her sister recently. On two separate occasions and she drew blood. They were horrific bites. She has never done anything like it before, is usually very mature and sensible, but honestly it’s very common. I wouldn’t be too annoyed but would be getting him to keep a much closer eye till the phase passes. We gave our dd a right bolloking for it, she did get shouted at, naughty step and treats removed, and she hasn’t dared since. She’s just starting Nursery so I couldn’t have her starting this habit every time she’s frustrated or angry. We’ve sat her down and talked to her about her feelings, how to cope with her rage and jealousy at her close in age sister and gently broached the general topic of empathy/hurting others. I know she gets it but could see that biting was such a massive release for her, it was very attractive once she discovered it!

So don’t go in guns blazing. Ask ex to monitor a by closer and tell him that the biter probably needs a little help finding a better way to act out her frustration and likely jealousy. It’s understandable she’s doing it but it can’t be tolerated.