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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask ex to make sure dd is supervised better?

65 replies

CandiedPeach · 21/08/2018 10:46

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable but I also don’t want to cause issues in a generally ok co-parenting relationship and I don’t want it to come across as me having a issue with him introducing dd to his new partner (I do, but I know there’s nothing I can do about it).

A few weekends back he took to dd to meet his new gf and her dc, while there one of the dc around 3 years old (I’m told) bit my dd (not let two). Quite a bad bite but I was ok with it, kids do these things and he was very apologetic and said the gf was too, dd was fine.

Now he’s just had dd for a long weekend and she came home last night with two bite marks one he’d told me about on her arm and another lighter one he didn’t mention on her tummy. Now he’s again very apologetic said dd was takingtots and his gf dc is having a biting stage. Nothing against the child and I’d say pretty relaxed with dd getting hurt, grazes bumps etc, even bites and scratches from other kids it’s part of childhood. But if they know what she’s like and considering the ages I really feel they can’t be supervising them well enough. DD’s met the girlfriends dc on two occasions and been biten both times.

DD’s going to nursery this afternoon and the bites will have to be written on a accident at home form (or possibly cause for concern form, which I’d rather be the case). I want to tell him he’s to come to nursery to drop her off and fill the form in (seen as I don’t know what exctly happened). And to say now they know this is a problem I expect dd to be supervised much better when around the other dc and possibly that it’s maybe too soon to be expecting them to spend long periods of time together.

I of course want to say much worse than that, but she’s my baby and seeing bite marks on her is horrid. So I’m really trying to bite my tongue and be reasonable. Then I think am I being a bit too reasonable and so they didn’t bother to watch her better when away.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 22/08/2018 17:31

I’d honestly be very tempted angieloumc but he’d probably take it as a come on and quite enjoy it!

He collected dd late Angry. And just said he can’t please the both of us, whatever he does someone ends up having a go at him. I simply said my only concern is dd and that she’s not getting hurt. He says he’ll keep a close eye on her tonight and we’ll talk properly when I’m back from holiday.
For the first time ever dd was a bit upset at going with him. I’m trying to think it’s not the biting and more that she was away at the weekend and she’s seen me packing stuff so she knows we’re going away and it’s that! But still Sad
He has sent a message since and a photo and she looked fine and was sat on his knee.

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heartsease68 · 22/08/2018 17:33

He does sound like a pleasant guy. I can see why you want to keep things good between you.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 22/08/2018 17:38

Yes she’ll be starting school in September Ghanagirl. Apparently she doesn’t bite friends and only really her older sibling and cousins. Dd is the only younger child she’s bitten. Ex said the older child was fussing dd a lot so maybe some jelousy that her sister was playing with dd and the pictures his gf put on fb show her with dd on her knee on a few occasions (quite annoying when my ex freaked out because my bf was in the background of a photo of dd I put on Instagram and he wanted it deleting) so maybe jelousy over her mum fussing over dd. That’s what I’d be thinking if she were mine anyway.

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bastardkitty · 22/08/2018 17:40

I think you've been very reasonable. Well done on calling him at nursery about changing his story. He doesn't sound great from your update. He sounds like a coward. If there are further incidents, in your shoes, I would consider a solicitors letter stating contact will be suspended unless he makes a formal agreement to see your DD without gf & her children. If he agrees to that and breaks it, tell him he will need a court order to see DD. Hopefully it won't come to that. He sounds really spineless.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 22/08/2018 17:47

I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that bastardkitty but I’ve taken photos of the marks and asked for a copy of the form from nursey. So if I have to at least I’ve got prove.

I never normally worry when she’s with her dad and I’m sat here watching the clock to get her home now. I hate it!

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bastardkitty · 22/08/2018 18:01

It's fair to give him a chance to address things. But if his priority is to placate his gf, then you will have to get tough. You've been nothing but fair.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 22/08/2018 19:44

Well my dd came home unbiten. Although you’d think he’d found a cure for cancer, how proud he was that his child didn’t get bitten while he was looking after her.

He did admit that she tried to, but he saw her and stopped her.
He’s promised when we’re back from holiday he’s having a weekend just him and dd, but I’ve heard that before Hmm
So I guess we shall have to wait and see!

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PrettyLovely · 22/08/2018 20:53

Aw glad she didnt get bitten.
Although its not good she tried to, your dd seems to be the target with her biting and they really need to address it.

I can see why you dont believe him, he seems to say whatever he thinks will please you then do the opposite.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 23/08/2018 19:36

He admitted that she’s targeting her @PrettyLovely. Apparently dd wasn’t doing anything and the other dc was sat next to her talking to her and playing and then went to bite her. He said she’d asked to sit next to dd and they’d said only if you’re nice to her, so he did make her go sit next to her mum when she’d tried to bite which he said she wasn’t happy about.

I really hope he gets bored of the gf soon and not just because of the biting.

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heartsease68 · 23/08/2018 19:53

Why is the mother not on top of this? He shouldn't have to discipline her child.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 23/08/2018 20:26

I think he said it more to the gf @heartsease68. He said to me “when she did it I said to A, I think she needs to sit with you now” gfs dd started to cry and say no I want to sit with dd (ours) to which he said “no, because you tried to bite her” and his gf moved her away at this point.
His gf usually smacks her if she bites but not in public places Hmm.

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heartsease68 · 23/08/2018 20:51

It's so difficult isn't it. She's probably mortified but I would not stand for it either.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 23/08/2018 21:06

I don’t know @heartsease68 I imagine her telling her dd to bite mine out of spite or evilness!

Of course I know that’s completely unreasonable of me! I blame my parents for letting me read Snow White and Cinderella as a child!

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heartsease68 · 23/08/2018 21:17

lol I'd feel the same! More likely she wants your DD to like her though...

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 23/08/2018 21:23

You’re probably right *@heartsease68**.

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