To ask ex to make sure dd is supervised better?

[CandiedPeach]

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable but I also don’t want to cause issues in a generally ok co-parenting relationship and I don’t want it to come across as me having a issue with him introducing dd to his new partner (I do, but I know there’s nothing I can do about it).

A few weekends back he took to dd to meet his new gf and her dc, while there one of the dc around 3 years old (I’m told) bit my dd (not let two). Quite a bad bite but I was ok with it, kids do these things and he was very apologetic and said the gf was too, dd was fine.

Now he’s just had dd for a long weekend and she came home last night with two bite marks one he’d told me about on her arm and another lighter one he didn’t mention on her tummy. Now he’s again very apologetic said dd was takingtots and his gf dc is having a biting stage. Nothing against the child and I’d say pretty relaxed with dd getting hurt, grazes bumps etc, even bites and scratches from other kids it’s part of childhood. But if they know what she’s like and considering the ages I really feel they can’t be supervising them well enough. DD’s met the girlfriends dc on two occasions and been biten both times.

DD’s going to nursery this afternoon and the bites will have to be written on a accident at home form (or possibly cause for concern form, which I’d rather be the case). I want to tell him he’s to come to nursery to drop her off and fill the form in (seen as I don’t know what exctly happened). And to say now they know this is a problem I expect dd to be supervised much better when around the other dc and possibly that it’s maybe too soon to be expecting them to spend long periods of time together.

I of course want to say much worse than that, but she’s my baby and seeing bite marks on her is horrid. So I’m really trying to bite my tongue and be reasonable. Then I think am I being a bit too reasonable and so they didn’t bother to watch her better when away.

I have said similar to what you suggest FASH and to be fair to him he did say it was probably too soon to be have gone away with the children together. But it’s hard don’t you know, finding time for a relationship when you’ve got children. Yes mate, because eow is such hard work maybe try doing 12 nights a fortnight and then tell me how much time you have for relationships .
I got a text apology anyway and he’s said he’s told his gf it’s too soon to be spending so much time together with the kids and he’d rather keep things more separate for now.
I don’t know, I’m not convinced he doesn’t just tell me what I want to hear and tell her what she wants to hear. Fuck knows what the actual truth is.

He does at least seem genuinely mortified at the marks on dd. The nursery worker said they’re really bad and had to write a description of them and he looked really upset at that. It’s horrible though, not quite broken skin but really deep teeth imprints and it’s bruised quite badly. One on her tummy not as bad but she’s got obvious bite marks and of course I don’t know when that one happened.

I get that @Hideandgo and I’m definitely not annoyed with the child. But I don’t think they should be having to get used to each other and deal with feelings of jealousy, when their parents have only been seeing each other a matter of months.
If they’d been together longer and were on the verge of living together I’d be more understanding and supportive. But right now it feels like my dd’s getting chomped by a child she probably won’t be still seeing in a few months time.

And this is of course very lighthearted......but how much easier would it be, if I got some say in who his new gf was. I mean I could choose someone so much better for him and who’d give me so much less stress. I might start a ‘find your ex a date’ dating site. Although fuck knows who he’s choose for me, so maybe not!

I’ve just seen your post @ThatsWotSheSaid I was at work earlier so only sneakily read and posted a update and I missed a few posts.
Unfortunately I don’t have any choice/say in who ex introduces dd to. I don’t like smacking at all, ex knows this and always said he shared my view but if he changes his mind and starts giving dd a smack I still don’t think there’s anything I could do about it, although I’d definitely try.
It’s horrible it really is, I hate it. I do think ex could be very easily swayed by his girlfriends opinions on what’s right for dd too.

I’m not sure what NT, means!

NT = neurotypical (not autistic)
You’re in a really tough situation. Could you try some co-parent counselling/mediation to get some rules set down.

I don’t think there’s any additional needs @ThatsWotSheSaid
The thing is he’ll agree with me, he always does. It’s just if he sticks to it or not. I really can’t see him smacking dd or any child and I don’t think he’d allow her to be smacked. He’s generally a good dad. He does lots with her and is very affectionate, perhaps spoils her a little bit and I don’t think he’ll ever see her as doing anything wrong. This I think will cause problems in his future relationships.

I know he’s not really over us and if I said I’d take him back he’d be back. I do also think that’s one of the reasons he doesn’t like to ‘upset’ me though and so he’ll agree to what I say and then his girlfriend will be saying the opposite and she’s actually having sex with him so he doesn’t want to upset her either.
I don’t want him to do or not do things for me though. I want him to do what’s right for dd, regardless of my feelings on the matter. But its like he doesn’t actually think for himself in some regards and will just go with what one of us is telling him to do.

So right now I’m saying, he should hold off with dd spending time with her dc and just spend some time him and dd. He’s agreeing to this. But that’s until his gf has other ideas and then it will be A says it’s better they get used to each other or if I don’t take dd now then A’s dc will think biting words, and he’ll probably honestly believe what he’s telling me, just like now he believes me that it’s best they don’t spend time together.

Already he’s changed his mind on them spending time together. He’s read up on biting apparently and it’s completely normal and part of childhood so not something I can stop him seeing dd for. I never said I’d stop him seeeing her, I just don’t want her being bitten.

He’s supposed to have dd tonight and he’s now planning on taking her out with the gf and her kids.
What the hell is wrong with him that he can’t just spend one evening with his dd? One evening and then she’s coming away with me for a week so he can spend the whole week with his gf and her kids.

He is pathetic isn't he.

So what if he has read up that its a normal part of childhood. It doesnt make it ok that this has happened three times to your dd on his watch, Which lets face it he isnt very good at if he never sees it happen each time its happened.
He is trying to minimize whats happened here.

Don’t know who he thinks he’s kidding PrettyLovely he’s never read anything voluntarily! I know it’s come from her, he’ll have mentioned taking dd out and she’ll have suggested her and her kids go.
He’s so pathetic.

I swear to god if she comes back with a another bite mark today, I’m going to bite him and see how he likes it!

Hahaha! Great idea!

I feel outraged for you candiedpeach 🌺

What a nob he is. 100% his new gf just told him that.
It’s not completely normal, SOME children do it. It’s generally looked down as a very poor trait IME.
Ask him what he’s going to do to do to keep his DD safe in this other child’s company then.

Christ he is pathetic why can’t he spend time with his child on his own? This gf is so pathetic as well she is so insecure she will keep clinging onto him demanding his time and attention. I can’t believe after all that at the nursery he is doing a complete 360 at what point does his child’s wellbeing become important to him.

He is an idiot. At least you have 12 days and he has 2 so you will be having by far the biggest impact.

If you are in England smacking can be seen as illegal so you could potentially intervene if that started happening to your DD. Hopefully this woman will get bored of him soon and it won't be a long term relationship. If the biting continues I am sure you could speak to your solicitor and get a letter written telling him he should be supervising his daughter appropriately around this child. Not sure what you can do if he doesn't but a solicitor could advise you.

I never understood men( and women) who can't spend one night alone with their own child. If I had one night before my DCs went away for a week we would not be spending it with anyone else!

My nephew used to do this, and his parents were always sorry but didn't take action to stop him and I felt, didn't take it seriously. My son was the same age as him but much bigger, and In think they thought that made it ok.
When I had DS2, I wouldn't let him near the baby, and told him in no uncertain terms that If he hurt the baby he'd be sorry.
I wish I'd said something sooner, as he never hurt the baby or DS1 again. His parents were a little shocked at how harshly I spoke to precious nephew, but it made them see how serious I was.
So I do think your ex needs to deal with this, and that you can tell him that unless he protects her then he can't let her mix with this child. A 3 year old is old enough to understand that hurting people, especially younger children, is wrong. The other adults will take it more seriously if they are inconvenienced.

This is just horrible. Your poor dd having such a shit father.

YES biting is a normal development stage. YES even at 4 (my ds1 did it occasionally, most recently at 4.7 - fucking mortifying) but NO it is not ok for it to happen repeatedly, and especially not if an older child is biting a younger one. Your poor dd is a sitting duck and her father simply isn't supervising her enough for this to have happened more than once.

Shame on him.

The annoying thing is he was only saying yesterday he was looking forward to some time just with dd. He’d found the weekend difficult because her kids are quite demanding and he doesn’t really do kids. So I know it’s definitely her. She is very clingy. He came one night to watch dd (she was in bed) for me because my grandma was taken to hospital, I didn’t get back until early hours and so he stayed over in DD’s room and she really wasn’t happy about it and even messaged me to ask if something had happened between us.

I text him back: I think it’s pathetic you can’t spend one evening alone with your own daughter and that you’re putting someone you’ve known five months before her. Which you swore to me you’d never do.
I might not get any say in who you introduce V to, but if she comes back with another bite or unexplained injury I will be seeking legal advice as I’m not convinced she’s being supervised adequately.

He hasn’t replied yet, but he’s read it! He’s supposed to be coming to collect dd at 3, so maybe he’s waiting to call me a jealous ex to my face.

It must be horrible being stuck in this situation OP because yes unfortunately you cant control who your DD spends time with when she is in her Fathers care.

I hate it Laguna. Especially because I try so hard to involve him and respect his wishes in regards to my bf and it feels like why should I bother.

I think you should definitely bite him if she comes back bitten again.
Seriously though, I do hope he reconsiders spending the time tonight with your DD and his gf/DC.

Oh god, my niece used to bite. Needs constant supervision and you are being totally reasonable demanding that your exes partner parents her child whilst your daughter is there

OP whilst some toddlers go through a “biting” stage four is quite old for this behaviour, the child (assuming you live in uk) will start school in September whith on average one teacher and a TA supervising 30 children.