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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think some posters are naive about SS?

999 replies

fudgeraisinbiscuit · 21/08/2018 10:29

I see many posts where people seem to believe either that SS will offer support and that parents who are loving and coping but struggling can contact them for a hand-hold, or posts where people believe a not ideal yet normal situation can and should be reported.

AIBU to think posters are naive about what SS actually do?

OP posts:
ThinksTwice · 21/08/2018 15:53

When I was a kid my friends Mum used to go to France on a booze cruise for the weekend leaving my friends and her sister (11 and 9) to fend for themselves back in the 90s. Ss didn't do anything!

Wornandweary · 21/08/2018 16:00

Thanks ThinksTwice and Oblomov18.

GoatWithACoat · 21/08/2018 16:11

Neglect is neglect. Mother has not unneglected her 10 year old, just by giving birth!

The examples I offered were not cases where neglect of both children occurred. There are many cases when only one child’s needs are not being met. And cases where problems occurred later in life, when a second child arrived that were not present previously.

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 16:12

It can't be a nice feeling for a 10 year old to be left in a home that wasn't good enough for their baby sibling

You think its a nice feeling for a ten year old to be forcibly removed from their parent(s) and everything that is familiar to them and being sent to live with strangers? You think thats a better feeling than being left at home?

Claw001 · 21/08/2018 16:16

goat my comment was directed to toomany in reply.

Seems our hypothetical scenarios are all over the place! Smile

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 16:17

What I am trying to get at too is that putting a baby up for adoption is an extreme and cruel act

That's a pretty big assertion that is not objectively true. On the contrary, its not usually a cruel act at all, its a last resort and it is generally by far the better of two evils for the baby.

HollyGibney · 21/08/2018 16:17

I totally get what you're saying @GoatWithACoat. It makes sense but it's not very palatable.

Tessliketrees · 21/08/2018 16:24

its a last resort and it is generally by far the better of two evils for the baby

I think the point is how can't it be the last resort if the parent can look after an older child well enough for that child to not be removed?

Does that actually happen? the adoption part I mean.

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 16:29

I think the point is how can't it be the last resort if the parent can look after an older child well enough for that child to not be removed?

Being able to care for one child doesn't mean that you can care for 2, or more. It's about balance of harm. It can be better for a newborn to have a chance at a better life, that the ten year old doesn't have the same chance for.

Tessliketrees · 21/08/2018 16:33

@toomanychilder

Which is a reasonable(ish) explanation but does mean it's not the last resort.

FissionChips · 21/08/2018 16:34

I think the point is how can't it be the last resort if the parent can look after an older child well enough for that child to not be removed?

A ten year old can mitigate some of the neglect they suffer, a newborn is totally dependent.

Original poster
fudgeraisinbiscuit · 21/08/2018 16:36

Of course it is cruel Shock

I cannot think of much that is crueller than somebody taking my little babies away from me, telling me I will never see or hear from them again.

Not cruel?

OP posts:
toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 16:41

I cannot think of much that is crueller than somebody taking my little babies away from me, telling me I will never see or hear from them again

I suppose if you're only thinking about it from your own point of view.....

whereas I was talking about for a child. It's far more cruel to leave a baby in a home where they will be neglected, or not cared for, or abused, than it is to have them adopted by a functioning family that will do better for them.
How can you call that cruel? Even if you are thinking solely from the parents pov, cruel is still the wrong word, its not something being done to you, but for them. For the best.

No, of course not cruel.

Tessliketrees · 21/08/2018 16:41

A ten year old can mitigate some of the neglect they suffer, a newborn is totally dependent

I get that, I am confused with the use of the term "last resort" which implies there are no other options. It's hard to imagine a situation so dire that the only option is a severing of all parental rights and familial contact forever and always but not dire enough to remove all children into alternative care.

Which is why I queried if this really happens at all?

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 16:42

Yes, it does happen. Not frequently, but it happens.

Original poster
fudgeraisinbiscuit · 21/08/2018 16:48

Agreed, tess

OP posts:
Claw001 · 21/08/2018 16:51

I would assume in order for previously neglected 10 year old to stay, the mother must have taken steps to improve on her situation.

If mother is taking steps to improve her situation, why is newborn being adopted?

NoFucksImAQueen · 21/08/2018 16:51

I would have been one of those naive people before I had first hand experience with SS. I really thought anything bad said about them was an overreaction.

when dd was a baby she fell off the bed. she's my third child and the same had happened to my oldest who I then took to a &e to have checked over and he was fine. I remember them telling me that babies are far more ressiliant than we think and to keep an eye on him but that he was fine etc. so when the same happened to dd and she cried for a bit then was perfectly fine I didn't feel the need to take her to a&e.
only a few days later she has a lump appear on her head so I took her to the doctors and explained and the doctor said she was fine and the swelling would go soon. another week later and it hadn't so dp takes her back and not having been there when she fell says she fell from the baby swing (big knee height thing) because he couldn't remember what id said and "didn't want to look like a bad dad" 🙄
this is what flagged us up although I think my post natal depression was also a huge factor.
the next day without any warning I have a call from a social worker asking me questions. I'm surprised and caught off guard but friendly to her and answer everything and she seems really understanding on the phone. she says she's going to have a chat with her supervisor and she'll call me later. she sounds fine so I'm not worried.
3 hours later she calls back demanding I bring dd to a&e immediately. I explain I have all 3 kids so can't really but she says I have to and is really aggressive. it's only when I ask how long she thinks I'll be in that she tells me we will definitely be admitted.. so what about my other kids?
I tell her that I'm taking my other 2 kids home first and getting my husband to come home then I'll come down. she's not happy but she says fine. by this point I'm pretty upset and trying not to cry.
I get to the hospital and and iv been trying to calm myself playing and making faces at dd on the walk in so she's been laughing and smiling. SW looks at her and says "she looks really distressed" I'm visibly shocked by this (because she fucking didnt!) and the other SW gives a friendly reassuirng smile.
main SW continues to treat me like a child abuser firing questions at me, looking down her nose at me and being really rude like I'm shit on her shoe.
I get that they see a lot of bad cases but what's the harm in not treating someone like shit until you know it wasn't an accident.? would some compassion and kindness really kill them?
I had to be admitted with dd and kept in the observation bed right next to the nurses station because we were down as a possible NAI (non accidental injury). they came to the house and measured the bed to check my story added up. they also interviewed my 4 (nearly 5) and 2 (nearly 3) year olds.
when they deemed I was telling the truth her attitude changed completely and she tried to be really nice to me but by that point the damage was done.
I can understand the homecheck and even talking to the kids but I can't forgive her attitude and even typing this has brought it all back and made me cry.
I will never forget that woman's face, evil bitch.

NoFucksImAQueen · 21/08/2018 16:52

ffs i put paragraphs in! don't know what the point was if they just get removed anyway

toomanychilder · 21/08/2018 16:56

If mother is taking steps to improve her situation, why is newborn being adopted?

because the steps aren't enough to care for the newborn. Because they are different steps.

GoatWithACoat · 21/08/2018 16:58

@claw, sorry yes we are getting muddled now. Grin

For the record, most children taken away from parents don’t just go up for adoption. The normal scenario is a placement with extended family or foster care with regular contact with parents either at a contact centre or at families. The courts order phone and letter contact and stipulate frequency as well.

Tessliketrees · 21/08/2018 16:59

@toomanychilder

But if they are willing and able to do one why not the other? I know that it will depend on the individual case but I am trying to get my head round it. Does this happen mainly with parents with learning disabilities for example?

Claw001 · 21/08/2018 16:59

This is what foster care is for.

GoatWithACoat · 21/08/2018 16:59

‘ Family’s’ house (sorry)

Original poster
fudgeraisinbiscuit · 21/08/2018 17:00

Happens a lot to parents with learning difficulties.

OP posts: