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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to go to wedding

90 replies

BeanJen · 20/08/2018 22:02

(Sorry- long post)
My DD will be 1 year old next week and I've never left her with anyone else apart from for a couple of evenings my mum has sat downstairs after I've put her to bed myself and less than a handful of times where my husband has taken her for a short period of time (2hrs or less) I'm not a crazy clingy parent it's just the help really hasn't been there for me no one has volunteered to take her overnight or even during the day for a couple of hours so it's been us 24/7 (I'm not complaining she's my responsibility not anyone else's...)
Anyway my husband and I have been invited to a wedding (no kids) and that would mean leaving her with my MIL for a whole day and night, (the venue is over an hour away from her house and we booked a hotel room). This was all planned months and months ago as weddings are and I assumed that by then she would have experience of staying away from me. She does like my MIL but we don't live near her so she's only seen her maybe once a month. She's a very capable woman (a health visitor so knows what she's doing!) but I'm not sure if I can do it. My LO is in a clingy phase and I just don't know if it's fair to leave her for so long from nothing?!
I'm really at the point now where I need to decide. Not going to the wedding will reflect badly on me with my husband's friends but I feel horribly nervous about it. AIBU? Should I just go (what my husband wants) What would you do?

OP posts:
Normandy144 · 20/08/2018 23:02

Go and enjoy yourself and relax together as a couple. Your Mil is more than capable and your child won't remember this. I hear what you are saying that you don't feel like your daughter is a chore and that you feel you don't need time off. However it is so important to make time for you and your husband as a couple. Your daughter is obviously your focus but do make sure you make time for your relationship. This is the perfect opportunity to do that. The longer you leave it the harder it gets. Next thing you know you have a 5 year old refusing to be babysat and you and your husband haven't had a night out or day off in years.

seizethecuttlefish · 20/08/2018 23:02

Go. It'll be great for everyone. We have no support and no offers of help and it's very easy to lose yourself. Enjoy the wedding. Our kids are a lot more resilient than we think.

Gillian1980 · 20/08/2018 23:04

I left my dd for the first time to attend a wedding. She was 2 1/2 and spent a day and night with my MIL.

I was a wreck and so anxious, worrying that she would be upset and cry all night and that MIL would be exhausted.

She was clingy and generally a nightmare to put to bed at that age.

Turns out she was absolutely fine and loved it! Not a bit of fuss..... was tucked in and settled straight to sleep without a peep! 🙄

BlueJava · 20/08/2018 23:05

Go! You deserve some time away (I assume with your DH/DP). She'll be well looked after, can text if needed and you can enjoy an uninterrupted night away!

MikeUniformMike · 20/08/2018 23:12

Your daughter will be fine. Go. You need a break.

BackforGood · 20/08/2018 23:13

YABVU, yes.
You would be very rude to cancel at this short notice, when you have no reason to.
If your own anxieties are creating this much of an issue, then cancel the hotel and come home at the end of the party (or before the evening part ends if you prefer), but be honest with yourself and admit it is your issue and not the baby's.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 20/08/2018 23:18

You are raising your child to have very insecure attachments. She absolutely will be an anxious not only child , but an anxious adult if you dont start to leave her with other people. This is not about what you like or dont like - this is about raising a person to have the best mental health possible

ffs.

I cannot believe people post this stuff. This isn't designed to help. It's designed to scare and judge a mother of a young baby.

MikeUniformMike · 20/08/2018 23:18

Your MIL brought up DD's father all right, didn't she? You'll have a phone so can be contacted and can contact MIL and DD if you need to.
You won't remember just another weekend at home but you will remember the first time you left your baby (and laugh at probably how much you worried) and you'll remember the wedding.
If you were getting married and someone didn't come because they couldn't leave a 1-year old, what would you think?

MikeUniformMike · 20/08/2018 23:19

probably laugh at

tempester28 · 20/08/2018 23:20

Could you ask your MIL to go with you and she have a room at the hotel. She could babysit but you would not be too far away.

rwalker · 20/08/2018 23:23

with respect you need to go if you never leave her she will be clingy it's not fair on dd

Loonoon · 20/08/2018 23:25

She’s been with you pretty much 24/7 for a year. You have laid the basis for a secure attachment. Go off to the wedding, have fun and you and your DD will enjoy the reunion.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 20/08/2018 23:35

You have known about the wedding for a while now so why haven’t you started to build up the leaving period with your child.

Sorry but I agree with this. I have a child of similar age and am back at work next month. I have left her for about 4 hrs a couple of times and have pencilled in two more times over the next two weeks

Agree with others that you can't pull out of the wedding now though. You should have addressed this a couple of months ago when you had time to politely pull out or build your daughter up to being comfortable. No harm will come to her though. Is there no possibility of leaving early to avoid the overnight?

Iwantaunicorn · 20/08/2018 23:37

Write down your routine for your DD and go have fun! My babies didn’t even notice I’d gone and were completely unphased or so I was told 😂

garethsouthgatesmrs · 20/08/2018 23:38

NoMudNoLotus is talking bollocks. You have a baby. A baby is meant to be closely attached to it's mother.

FASH84 · 20/08/2018 23:43

A lot of parents are back at work by this stage and have to leave their babies on a regular basis, and not with a qualified HV who is also grandma. It'll be good for you and baby won't even notice

HappyBumbleBee · 20/08/2018 23:50

You really need to go - your MIL lives her and would never want any harm to come to her. You'll be an hour away? Not impossible to get back if there is a problem so make sure MIL promises to ring you if there is a problem.
You need to keep reminding yourself you're leaving her with the lady who raised your husband, who also happens to be a health visitor too.
I was like you the first time we left our son with in-laws, felt physically sick and didn't enjoy myself - BUT my son had a whale of a time as did his nanny and grandad.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 21/08/2018 00:04

Threads along this theme on MN tend to divide between two basic lines. On the one hand there's the "I've never left my LO for more than a couple of hours and he's now 16" brigade.
And there's the "Oh... Timothy will be FINE! At the age of 2, I was independently rigging my own tent and camping in the wilds of the Serengeti" brigade.

Neither is wrong or right. And for open-ness and clarity, I'm more with the second than the first (although lower by several social classes!).

BUT what I would say is, if the primary care giver who's babysitting is, as you say, a health visitor, she'll have the two major's absolutely locked down (health and safeguarding) and she'll know all sorts about things like nutrition.
So, I'd say all the absolute bottom-line basics are covered.
And, as a relation, the love will also be there too.

If the worst happens (I'm not talking meningitis or abuse, because i'm assuming your MIL has 'got' those), and your LO cries all night and is inconsolable, then it won't kill either of them (they can both sleep the next day). Your LO won't remember or be scarred by it.

When your baby gets a bit bigger, there'll be loads of party/sleepover or playdate/sleepover invites, and some kids will manage those and LOVE them and some kids won't. My DD (who first stayed overnight with my parents at age 3 months) absolutely loved them. And felt REALLY sorry for the kids who couldn't manage them or who's parents couldn't allow it because of their hang ups.

There's an argument for the other side, but I kind of can't be bothered to make it, because someone who genuinely is there can make it for me, but better.

SummerIsEasy · 21/08/2018 00:06

It sounds as if MIL will be absolutely fine with childcare.

If it really bothers you, drink diet coke, ring MIL at 11PM and drive back to MILs to sleep there for the night with DD.

Kisskiss · 21/08/2018 00:09

YABU
Pulling out of a wedding with 2 weeks notice ( and not an unavoidable reason for it) is just rude

BackforGood · 21/08/2018 00:29

Could you ask your MIL to go with you and she have a room at the hotel.

But why on earth should she ? Confused
I'd babysit for people in their home, where the little one had their own cot and was used to the sights and sounds and smells, but I wouldn't fancy sitting on my own in a hotel bedroom with an unsettled baby. The MiL is helping out. The child is a year old. The MiL is a trained HCP. They will both be fine. As KeepServingtheDrinks said, the absolute worst case scenario is that the baby will cry and MiL will be a bit tired the next day. The baby won't remember even if she does.

SilverySurfer · 21/08/2018 00:36

It would be rude to cancel at such short notice and remember, you're raising a human being, not a limpet. Your MiL sounds more than qualified to take good care of your child, both by virtue of her profession and having raised her own.

Lizzie48 · 21/08/2018 00:39

I notice that a lot of posters are saying that the OP would be rude to pull out. Personally, I wouldn't have found it so. I did have a few friends pull out; it was disappointing but I didn't dwell on it much. (Although we had limited places at our wedding and there were other friends we could invite.)

And, as the bride and groom are friends with her DH, I can't imagine that they would mind. He's definitely going to the wedding after all.

That said, I do think you should go, OP. Your MIL is more than capable of looking after your DD, they will both be fine. Smile

Ginseng1 · 21/08/2018 00:56

It sounds like the child will be fine it's just you will miss her. That's normal. Its also healthy to have some time off even if you don't mind not! sounds like you have a reliable sitter who is family. Dh & I away in couple weeks for a weekend DC 11,9&2 & I still worry n stress a bit about it (with much loved PILs) but as we've done it before (about once a year for night r two ) I know once am there n they send updates I really enjoy myself n especially time with Dh n other adults which I don't realise I miss as I am v v happy also at home with the kids the rest of the time!

ineedaholidaynow · 21/08/2018 01:01

Could you at least get your DH to do more individual time with your DD before the wedding, so she gets used to you not being around?

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