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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to wedding

90 replies

BeanJen · 20/08/2018 22:02

(Sorry- long post)
My DD will be 1 year old next week and I've never left her with anyone else apart from for a couple of evenings my mum has sat downstairs after I've put her to bed myself and less than a handful of times where my husband has taken her for a short period of time (2hrs or less) I'm not a crazy clingy parent it's just the help really hasn't been there for me no one has volunteered to take her overnight or even during the day for a couple of hours so it's been us 24/7 (I'm not complaining she's my responsibility not anyone else's...)
Anyway my husband and I have been invited to a wedding (no kids) and that would mean leaving her with my MIL for a whole day and night, (the venue is over an hour away from her house and we booked a hotel room). This was all planned months and months ago as weddings are and I assumed that by then she would have experience of staying away from me. She does like my MIL but we don't live near her so she's only seen her maybe once a month. She's a very capable woman (a health visitor so knows what she's doing!) but I'm not sure if I can do it. My LO is in a clingy phase and I just don't know if it's fair to leave her for so long from nothing?!
I'm really at the point now where I need to decide. Not going to the wedding will reflect badly on me with my husband's friends but I feel horribly nervous about it. AIBU? Should I just go (what my husband wants) What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeanJen · 20/08/2018 22:42

@greendale17 I have said in my post why we've not been apart- I haven't had any sort of support network to allow it. No one has volunteered to have her or look after for any period of time since she was born. Not even a couple of hours here and there. I wouldn't force my DD on anyone I love having her she's not exactly a chore to me.

OP posts:
OnlyAmy · 20/08/2018 22:43

Your DD will learn, one person at a time, how different people approach her and life, in different ways. Grandparents have a way of doing things differently, usually in a more relaxed way, and even the smallest children adapt to the differences, just as she has surely learned the differences between the way you and your DH do things. It will actually be good for her to experience a night with her grandmother. I am certain it will be harder for you than for DD.

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2018 22:43

Why hasn't your husband had her more on his own? Don't you ever want time to yourself?

Nagsnovalballs · 20/08/2018 22:44

More and more research suggests that by not ever getting your child to go outside of their comfort zone, the more likely you are to create an anxious child: see the advice here www.mentalhealth.org.uk/sites/default/files/anxious_child.pdf

Especially page 3.

You have to be the rational adult: she will be safe, with an excellent care giver experienced in health care. She will not be traumatised.

However, if she never learns to be comfortable around others and gaining a little bit of independence from the primary caregiver, it might damage her development of self as a distinct and whole entity, capable of relying on herself and trusting others. You start at this super young age so that she doesn’t have a sudden shock to the system when she goes to nursery or school.

MarthasGinYard · 20/08/2018 22:45

So rude to cancel this late In the day

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 20/08/2018 22:45

If you don't want to be a part from her for that long just yet, then that is fine. Just cancel, DH can go on his own. Whatever works for you and your family is ok. It might be different from others , but that does not make it better or worse

This. It's fine not to go. It's fine to go. Make your decision and be at peace with it. Don't let anyone pressure you either way.

flowery · 20/08/2018 22:47

I’d be more concerned about this:

”less than a handful of times where my husband has taken her for a short period of time (2hrs or less)”

Why on earth?!!

Bowerbird5 · 20/08/2018 22:47

I was just like this with mine.

Could you afford to take MIL with you to stay at the hotel, B&B etc? MIL and baby in one room you in another otherwise it is up to you. If it is at the wedding venue you could pop up and settle her for bed.
As a HV she will have lots of knowledge and she has had her own so I'm sure she will cope.

Original poster
BeanJen · 20/08/2018 22:47

@Nanny0gg I know it may put me in the minority, but I don't really want time to myself no. Having DD was a revelation I was totally made for this mummy thing and as consuming and tiring as it is I would rather be looking after her than doing anything else. Best day of my life every day 😊👍🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
BeanJen · 20/08/2018 22:48

@Nagsnovalballs thanks for the link that is really interesting. And the more I read from all the posters on this thread the more I think it's mainly my issue not DD's

OP posts:
FromNowOn · 20/08/2018 22:49

I’ve always found my children go to bed better for my in laws and parents then for me.

Declining two weeks prior is actually quite rude. They will have paid for you by this point. Why hasn’t your DH had her by himself for longer?

I would go, she’ll be fine. Phone and text as you need to, but if it were me I would go and enjoy some time just the two of you.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/08/2018 22:49

Sounds like the OP doesn't want time away from her DD while her DH has her.

LML83 · 20/08/2018 22:52

Just go. You and dh deserve a day out. DD will be fine, will nice for her and gran to have a chance to bond. Will be good for everyone.

Original poster
BeanJen · 20/08/2018 22:53

Thanks @GreatDuckCookery I really don't. We spend lots of time together as a family, he is often with us and we share the load on his days off, but I've never felt the need for ' time off'. It's really not my husband's fault.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 20/08/2018 22:53

It would depend how close to me the bride or groom were. I am not a fan of weddings tbh especially if i dont know a lot of people. How much do you want to even go?

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 20/08/2018 22:54

Why hasn’t your DH had her by himself for longer?

OP's/DP's choice, from what she's said.

bf1000 · 20/08/2018 22:54

At a simular age and a simular situation. I booked a room at hotel for grandparents. So they watched child near by. She had spent a lot of time with them in day but never away over night. Was still BF. I fed her before evening do. Was good because I was engaged by then.

They took her back to hotel room and apparently passed the with push chair as she didn't settle for ages. I know they consoled her and cuddles as they are very good with her. But they said they were glad to know I was close by. She went to sleep but when she woke in night my parents phoned me and I was able to take over.

Could you do something like that.

PatchworkElmer · 20/08/2018 22:54

I understand how you feel- DS is 21 months, and I haven’t left him over night yet. This is 100% down to me- DH has probably had about 7 nights away since he was born. I’ve struggled with the thought of leaving him overnight- I think because DS was in intensive care after he was born (precautionary, we had a scare but he was fine). I’m ok during the day, but he’s only been left with a few people.

I have reached a point where I recognise that I do need a break though. I am so tired, I’d like a night with DH. You’ll get there.

Could you maybe come back and write off the hotel cost?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/08/2018 22:56

You do what suits you. I would go to the wedding though OP. Sounds like MIL will take good care of DD and it might be nice to have a baby free night away.

Thingsthatgo · 20/08/2018 22:57

Until recently My Ds hadn’t stayed away from me ever, (although I had often gone out after bedtime, I was always back before he woke up). Last weekend at 6 years old he had his first overnight at beaver camp. He was awesome and he loved it. Everyone MIL told me I would make him clingy and anxious if I didn’t leave him overnight with other people, but they were wrong. I think you should have made up your mind a long time ago because it is rude to cancel now, but I also think that you shouldn’t feel pressured into going if you’re not ready.

Singlenotsingle · 20/08/2018 22:57

Just go, BenJean. Stop overthinking it. It'll be good for all of you - DH, you, DD and MIL.

Jamiefraserskilt · 20/08/2018 22:57

Do it. Baby may cry or may not. An odd night here or there is not going to scar them for life, neither is a cry now and again. If you do go, please try and refrain from calling every hour and leave them to it. If she is with the baby, she will not answer and that will get you all anxious. If you hear crying, it will make you anxious. just try and enjoy the wedding and let mil enjoy their grandchild.

codswallopandbalderdash · 20/08/2018 22:58

Do what is right for you. I wasn't comfortable leaving DS at this age for more than a few hours and certainly not overnight. I wanted to spend time with DS to be honest, and wasn't fussed about parties and the like. We were fine and absolutely no negative impacts (despite some barbed comments along the way). People will understand if you don't go.

BewareOfDragons · 20/08/2018 23:00

Your MIL is a health visitor?!?

You have no excuse not to go, really.

Go! Enjoy! Relax!

NoMudNoLotus · 20/08/2018 23:00

You are raising your child to have very insecure attachments.

She absolutely will be an anxious not only child , but an anxious adult if you dont start to leave her with other people.

This is not about what you like or dont like - this is about raising a person to have the best mental health possible.

As soon as they are born its about preparing them to leave.

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