To think my mum did a really bad thing today?

[pawg]

Name changed.

DD has chickenpox. My mum had her today as I was at work. I've just got in and found out she took her to the park today where DD played with a friend from school she bumped into.
The friend's dad has cancer-I've no idea where at in treatment he is but I'm so angry that my mum has put others at risk.
WIBU to ask that she does not take her anywhere whilst DD still has spots that haven't scabbed over?
I know mum is doing me a massive favour having DD 2 days a week during the holidays so aren't sure if I can say this.

You didn't do an awful thing, you really and truly didn't. Leaving dd with your mum should've been the perfect scenario and if your dd had met any other child today chances are it wouldn't have had further implications.
You're making sure to alert the family to a potential risk, not burying your head in the sand. That's very brave and completely the right thing to do even though it's difficult.

I'd have thought that if he was very vulnerable at the moment he'd stay away from places likely to contain children such as parks, but not 100% necessarily. He might have thought open air would be safer (which it is).

You did the right thing leaving your child with your mum. She did the wrong thing. This is on her, not on you. You are not responsible for her actions. You didn't in any way cause this - your behaviour was totally normal and hers is very stupid and selfish. You couldn't have predicted that because most people wouldn't act that way.

@pawg please don’t be too harsh on yourself. You left your DD with a responsible adult who you were completely reasonable in trusting. You did nothing wrong. Yes, your DMum made an error of judgement which by chance may have serious consequences. But you are doing everything possible to reduce that chance. From what you’ve said you have been completely reasonable, and there is nothing to blame yourself for.

OP, IF this child was exposed, they may well be immune already, because most school aged kids are. IF they are not immune, then dad is 90% likely to be himself. And it's only an issue for him, more than most, IF he is having chemo, which you don't know. Not everyone with cancer needs it, by any means, and even if he did, chemo is only for a handful of months.

It's not necessarily an issue at all. The odds are, it's not a problem. You weren't to blame, anyway.

Awful. YANBU. Mention it to your mum and the father.

Easier said than done I know, but please try to stop blaming yourself

You expected that your mum would keep DD at home, especially with a background in healthcare.

You had to work to support yourself and DD and you left her in the care of a loving GP.

After finding out what happened, you’ve done all you can to contact the affected family and explain ASAP so they are forewarned.

YANBU to tell her not to do this DC should definitely not be out in public. However, YABU to have to come onto a forum to ask people if you can say this to her. She is your mum I don't understand why you can't just say how you feel to her.

bezm no idea where you live but the varicella vaccine is not routinely available in the UK unfortunately. Also, your info is correct regarding the incubation period but this is very different to the infection period. Varicella can be passed on until ALL the spots have scabbed over. So the child was infectious. Heaven knows why we don’t vaccinate routinely in UK as when immunosuppressed kids/adults come in contact with the highly common & infectious varicella it’s a blooming nightmare!!! And happens A LOT!!

I have loads of chemo but have actually only been really severely immunosuppressed twice in nearly a year. It varies massively depending on what you’re on and how you react.

You’ve absolutely done the right thing letting him know, but there is every reason to think that his immune system will be holding up fine at the moment.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself

If your daughter's friend has caught CP today it will generally take between 7-21 days for the spots to come out. She will only be infectious for 1 or 2 days before the spots show and will stay infectious until they have all scabbed over.
She won't be infectious now so you have time to let the dad know she has been exposed to CP before there is any risk of her giving it to others.

In the nicest possible way, it sounds like you need to try and calm down. The chances are very much weighted in favour of everything being fine, and neither you or your mother did anything deliberately wrong or to hurt anyone. You have done the best that anyone could expect of you, and now you just need to be kind to yourself and wait and see. It will probably be nothing.

perfectstorm we had the chicken pox vaccine for our children - it is £65 per dose and you need 2 doses. It isn't cheap.

I know I may be overreacting. I really do. I'd rather overreact to this now than get back to school and hear awful news though.

FWIW, I don't drive. I've had to call the taxi company prior to each journey to check they are ok with having someone with chickenpox on a blanket in the car. My mum knows this. I'm so disappointed

Please Don't beat yourself up about it, it was 100% not your fault. Your DM (even without a healthcare background) Would have known how contagious chicken pox is and even despite the friends dad, who knows what other children at the park may have health problems or family members that do or healthy but will just suffer more than most with the infection.

Yanbu, mil did this with my son, took him to the supermarket with chicken pox, the reason she had him was exactly because he was contagious and couldn't go out, we were at work. An elderly lady approached her to say that she shouldn't have him there and she told the lady well he's got to eat. Which was ridiculous and I was really angry when I was told about it.

I know a family who took their son on a flight the day after CP spots came out because they didn't want to jeapordise their holiday. The mum openly talked about it on facebook and others were recommending that she cover the spots with foundation. Not one person openly criticised her and, for political/family reasons, as well as not knowing her well enough, I didn't consider I was in a position to do so.

The world is full of selfish people like this.

So please don't be so hard on yourself. You are not one of these selfish people and you are working hard to rectify the situation.

One of the mums at my son's school took her daughter for breakfast in a supermarket with chicken pox as 'there should be some benefit to being off school'(!) Same kid tried to go skipping in the next day still coming out in spots - even though we'd all had the newsletter, there were pregnant teachers and a poor child going through chemo. The selfishness of some is astounding but you op have done nothing wrong at all and have taken all possible steps to right the (Not your) wrong!

You are understandably upset but the chances are he or she will be Immune and if he is not you will be able to warn him before she becomes infectious. When fil went through chemo he didn't go out to public places like a park for this very reason so I suspect him being at the park suggests he is not undergoing treatment at the moment.

You need to try and calm down. The simple fact is that every time someone is ill they have probably been unknowingly infecting others and of course some are more vulnerable. That's how things spread. You are doing everything within your power to minimise the risk. Of course it was reasonable to leave your DD with grandparents. The poster who commented about free childcare can presumably DM you with details of a paid childcare provider who would be happy to care for a child with chicken pox. Your mother was happy to help there is absolutely no way you would have been able to predict this situation and prevent it.

Also, your DD could have picked up the chickenpox anywhere so there's every chance the school friend has been exposed from other friends already.

You are not being unreasonable. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight. It is not your fault.

I'm sure it will be fine

Your anxiety is spiralling. You haven't done anything wrong, and a lot of people of our parents generation still think it's the done thing to take kids out and about with chickenpox. It's not ideal but everything may turn out fine. Your DD will not be the only one out and about with a virus, in fact she could be the only child in the district who's actually kept indoors when infectious if your town is anything like mine.

Did you hear back OP?

You were not awful. You trusted your mum and she let you and others down.

You are totally in the right. Chicken pox for anyone who is immunosuppressed is extremely dangerous. When ds was having chemo last year his school kindly sent out a letter to all parents asking that they let the office know immediately if they suspect their child has chicken pox so they could let us know.