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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit pissed off DH didn’t take up this opportunity?

78 replies

mouseyblonde · 20/08/2018 16:02

Have NC as potentially outing.

DH has been offered the chance to work abroad where the weather will be hot in December for 2 weeks. We have 2 DC (aged 3 and 13 months). We have never been on holiday with them and as people who love to travel we are desperate to get away for a while and we are now in a position to do so as we have been saving like crazy to get a mortgage and I have started my own business.

Accommodation and flights would be provided for him, but other colleagues have taken their families on this trip before and paid the difference for more family friendly accommodation and flights for partners and children

Because DHs work is full of Flash Harry’s (Hmm) we can stay at a family resort for a fraction of the cost it would normally cost for us to go with the money they are paying for DH. It’s a destination we have never been to and have always talked about going to.

The resort we have found would mean a roughly 30 minute commute there and back for DH, half of what he is currently doing.

He has turned it down, and I’m majorly pissed off about it. It’s a chance for some winter sunshine in a place we currently afford to go to. Plus I need a fucking break.

He said he would resent me for being on holiday while he was working- when in reality, he would only be working about half his normal hours with reduced commute.

Think he’s pissed off because it means he can’t get pissed in the bars every night for 2 weeks- I don’t begrudge him doing this a couple of times as he knows regardless of me and the DC are there. He works hard and deserves to have a couple of beers once or twice a week.

AIBU?

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 20/08/2018 17:34

Either he is planning party time with work mates every night or there is a 'special' work colleague he is getting close to.

LeeValley2 · 20/08/2018 17:37

Good men would be the opposite, they’d love to think of their wife enjoying themselves and having a nice time. The fact your husband would resent you for that shows he doesn’t care about your wellbeing.

OlennasWimple · 20/08/2018 17:39

DH and I have done similar trips a few times, giving us the chance to go to places that we wouldn't otherwise have been able to afford (and places that we wouldn't have considered otherwise too - business conventions aren't always in the best vacation places...)

TBH I did get a bit sad at being inside a windowless convention centre all day while DH and the kids were off whale watching, or exploring amazing cities - but I'd rather that they had the opportunities even if I didn't have the full adventure rather than none of us having the opportunities. That's really mean to deny it to everyone

SlothSlothSloth · 20/08/2018 17:39

Wtf. He sounds like he hates you? Or is just a total bellend.

happypoobum · 20/08/2018 17:39

Kill Him.

serbska · 20/08/2018 17:40

I've never followed my husband on a business trip, I don't see the point at all. It's not exactly a family holiday as he'll be working for most of the time and you will be on your own with the children

The point is you get to stay in their hotel room for free, and tag it onto a weekend.

DP has come out with me a few times, and I've been out with him. Sometimes it wouldn't be appropriate (v long working hours, no where near anything touristy, need to socialise with the local team) but often its cool.

MsHomeSlice · 20/08/2018 17:40

I'd be digging like mad, and searching for all sorts of answers for questions

mainly about who else is out there working with him

timeisnotaline · 20/08/2018 17:44

Dp has come with me- pre dc so pure holiday .he went for runs on the beach and swims, enjoyed his lunch out... if other employees have done this then he is really being rather horrible

Focalpoint · 20/08/2018 17:57

Taking a contrary view here. If money is tight you are asking him to spend the holiday budget on a holiday for you while he is at work. Also it won't be much of a holiday with you flying solo all day with 2 small kids.

I can see his point. Work trips - if it is actual work and not a conference/jolly are hard work with a lot concentrated in a relatively short period. So he might be slogging his guts out while you are in the pool with the kids and then expecting him to be back at the hotel early each evening to help with the kids when his work colleagues are expecting him to be available.

Talk to him and work on a compromise that gives you both a break without breaking the bank.

CoolCarrie · 20/08/2018 18:00

He is being a selfish arse. You need to tell him you could do with a break in the sun and this is the perfect opportunity.
My dh went on a course last year, to Holland and took us with him. We did loads of sightseeing during the day, and he joined us in the evening and at the weekend. It was great for all of us.

LightDrizzle · 20/08/2018 18:02

That is such a shitty reason on it’s own. Flowers

AndBabyMakes3 · 20/08/2018 18:16

What he said was really shitty but I can kinda see his point of view. Neither of you will get much holiday during those 2 weeks. Can you compromise and perhaps fly out to meet him for the weekend of his last week and then stay an extra week as a family if affordable?

Original poster
mouseyblonde · 20/08/2018 18:28

Can’t stay an extra week as we will be flying home literally a day or two before Christmas that way and would be a logistical nightmare as we go to my parents 300 miles away for Christmas. It would mean literally being in the house for a day/night and setting off again with jetleggaed toddlers and I don’t think it would be fair.

I don’t expect him to be back every night- I’m happy for him to go out 1/2 nights a week now (I get the same) and would be more flexible on holiday, especially with work.

As PP have said, it won’t be much of a holiday managing 2 toddlers on my own. There is a kids club at the resort but DD will be too young for it anyway even if he pulled that one up.

And we wouldn’t be blowing our holiday budget- we could afford to have 1/2 weeks away again early next year if he wanted.

I’m conflicted- he has been very very supportive the past few years while I’ve been setting up my own business etc I just feel like he’s treating it as a jolly because he works so hard (and he does) but so do I 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 20/08/2018 20:17

What about a week earlier? Then you have more space for Xmas as well.

harshbuttrue1980 · 20/08/2018 21:04

I think it's awful the way some posters are trying to make the op paranoid about her dh being after another woman. There is no evidence at all of this! It's just likely to be what #focalpoint said - he will be working hard and then playing hard with his colleagues, and doesn't want a wife there to guilt trip him into not going out with his colleagues. Team bonding is often an essential part of these trips, and no one wants a spouse moaning on, giving curfews etc. He wants space. That doesn't mean he's a cheat!

onetimeposter · 20/08/2018 21:31

@harshbuttrue1980
It isn't awful and nobody has said he is, but the fact he doesn't want his wife anywhere near his colleagues whilst 'working away' is highly suspect, considering how she feels that they need a holiday together, and how it is financially feasible.
If it were my wife, I'd be happy to have her there for the odd evening I wasn't working, knowing her and my children were enjoying a break.
Working and playing hard is the key here. Unless OP has form for nagging and ringing him all the time to be back.
I would be digging. Not that I'm saying he is doing anything wrong, but there's a reason she isn't wanted there, and being jealous she is relaxing sounds dubious.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 20/08/2018 21:38

I dunno, I'd rather have a proper holiday together tbh!

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 20/08/2018 21:42

I'm totally faithful to my boyfriend btw but there is absolutely no way I would want to mix family life and work life. I like to have a very clear line.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 20/08/2018 21:53

"in some jobs the networking and socialising is vital“
jobs based on old school boys’ networks - not necessarily. I work in care and networking is essential as it allows me to work in a multi agency way so my residents get better care.

You'd still be working looking after the kids I don't think you can compare being on holiday with your children with being at work. I'm a single parent and went away with my 3 year old when he was 2. It was still a lovely holiday where we both relaxed. No routines such as nursery, no stressing about bedtime, if they get grumpy take them for walks/swimming/whatever. Even at that age he knew he was having a holiday!

Loopytiles · 21/08/2018 19:29

Not all DC are fun on holiday though, and OP has two tiny ones.

Thomlin · 21/08/2018 19:38

I'm 100% with your husband there's absolutely no way I'd trail my family along on a business trip. As pps have said a huge part of it's done during meals in the evening with clients/ customers, or catching up with colleagues in the evening away from the clients/ customers to get the DL on what everyone really things.

If my spose wanted to cling along I'd feel like I should be with the family in the evenings and that definitely puts you at a disadvantage. Plus, how is it actually fair that everyone else gets a holiday and he gets a week of working away (which lets face it is shitter than usual work, except the expenses paid dinners!) and being handed the kids when he's finished. I don't think it's selfish at all to hold that opinion, I just don't think he's being very selfless which is totally fine!!

ImAIdoot · 21/08/2018 19:39

"Resenting you being on holiday" doesn't sound like a credible reason for a married father unless you are literally on the verge of divorce from what a bellend he is.

This answer, actually, reminds me of teenagers, where whatever they will readily confess to the truth is at least one level worse.

ImAIdoot · 21/08/2018 19:40

There should be a comma after "to" in my last post.

onetimeposter · 21/08/2018 19:50

So you would resent your partner and kids a holiday just because you couldnt have one? Id be bloody buzzing if my kids dad took them to a nice hotel for them to enjoy themselves, even if i worked 24/7. Ya know, because parents generally love their kids and want them to be happy.

problembottom · 21/08/2018 20:08

Not very nice to say he’d resent you having a good time. One of my favourite ever holidays was a week in New York with DP, we paid for my flight and then his company paid for a fabulous hotel and lots
of fancy meals and cocktails. DP worked a bit but I still saw him loads and he was just happy he could give me a nice holiday.