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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit pissed off DH didn’t take up this opportunity?

78 replies

mouseyblonde · 20/08/2018 16:02

Have NC as potentially outing.

DH has been offered the chance to work abroad where the weather will be hot in December for 2 weeks. We have 2 DC (aged 3 and 13 months). We have never been on holiday with them and as people who love to travel we are desperate to get away for a while and we are now in a position to do so as we have been saving like crazy to get a mortgage and I have started my own business.

Accommodation and flights would be provided for him, but other colleagues have taken their families on this trip before and paid the difference for more family friendly accommodation and flights for partners and children

Because DHs work is full of Flash Harry’s (Hmm) we can stay at a family resort for a fraction of the cost it would normally cost for us to go with the money they are paying for DH. It’s a destination we have never been to and have always talked about going to.

The resort we have found would mean a roughly 30 minute commute there and back for DH, half of what he is currently doing.

He has turned it down, and I’m majorly pissed off about it. It’s a chance for some winter sunshine in a place we currently afford to go to. Plus I need a fucking break.

He said he would resent me for being on holiday while he was working- when in reality, he would only be working about half his normal hours with reduced commute.

Think he’s pissed off because it means he can’t get pissed in the bars every night for 2 weeks- I don’t begrudge him doing this a couple of times as he knows regardless of me and the DC are there. He works hard and deserves to have a couple of beers once or twice a week.

AIBU?

OP posts:
geekone · 20/08/2018 16:39

I can see how you would be annoyed and how he would be selfish if he said no we are not paying for everyone to go I will go myself, but he isn’t going either, maybe he just doesn’t want to go and work somewhere he would like to holiday. It’s crappy going away and seeing nothing.

OctaviaOctober · 20/08/2018 16:41

What a selfish prick. A well adjusted mature adult would not "resent" their partner for having a nice time while they're working.

Try telling him that you resent him going out to drink twice a week while you're at home alone with a 3 year old and a 1 year old.

Loopytiles · 20/08/2018 16:42

His stated reason is indeed shitty.

Was he, as you say, angling to go there alone and socialise while you worked and baby/toddler-wrangled in grim weather?

Starlighter · 20/08/2018 16:44

How could he begrudge his wife and young dc a chance of a holiday?! Very strange and very selfish.

fieryginger · 20/08/2018 16:48

He said he'd resent you a holiday? That's not nice at all, very selfish.

katiefromtheblock · 20/08/2018 16:52

YANBU. What a selfish old meanie he sounds! Hmm

Oblomov18 · 20/08/2018 16:54

He really is a prize knob, isn't he?
How you can argue otherwise OP is staggering!

WinnieFosterTether · 20/08/2018 16:57

Was he never keen but you pushed ahead with trying to organise it? Because I'm struggling with how you thought he'd agreed to it and had gone far enough to find and cost up a resort before he said 'no'.

I think he's deliberately said something hurtful (he'd resent you because he'd be working) so you won't pry further. Don't let him off the hook, you need to get to the bottom of it.

Occasionally DH and I accompany each other on work trips. We're both clear from the outset how much time we'll be able to spend together but there's never any resentment about the other person not working. The fact you thought he'd be working less may have panicked him. He may have thought you were going to spend the trip making demands on his time that he couldn't meet because he was working.

harshbuttrue1980 · 20/08/2018 17:00

If socialising is a big part of the job then I can see his point. You said you would let him have a couple of beers, but maybe its important that he is able to socialise with the rest of his colleagues when they do, and without getting permission from you to do it? You would probably complain if he went out every night after work without you when you were there, but in some jobs the networking and socialising is vital.
A business trip is a business trip, and I don't think anyone should feel obliged to have their spouse tag along. He's going there for work, so let him get on with it.

Figlessfig · 20/08/2018 17:00

I find your DH’s attitude a bit weird. He would resent you? Hmmm. Are you sure there’s nothing else stopping him? Can’t think of anything much, except maybe the guys go out to strip clubs when they go to this place, and he doesn’t want to be left out? Is there maybe an OW at work? It’s very odd.

I used to travel a lot, and often took DH and DD. It was great to come back to them in the evening, rather than sit on my own in a hotel room eating something from room service and mucking about on t’interweb.

Jaxhog · 20/08/2018 17:00

So he's going anyway, but doesn't want you to go too because you and the DCs would be getting a holiday!!!!!

What a selfish shit. I suspect he's afraid you'll cramp his style i.e. chatting up female colleagues and/or getting rat faced in the bar every night. In other words, he's denying you a holiday, because he wants one. (I know what these events are like!) Double selfish shit.

SendintheArdwolves · 20/08/2018 17:04

I think it's not so much "I would resent you having a holiday while I was working" as "if you and the children are there, it won't be a holiday for me".

Which yes, is awesomely selfish but I can also see why he feels that way. If you and the kids are there, you will be expecting him to send every moment he isn't at work to be helping with the kids - especially after you've been alone with them all day.

He was probably looking forward to a break from work-kids-sleep-work. I'm not defending him - the relentless tedium of small children is one of the reasons I don't have any - I'm just saying that this is probably his motive.

Figlessfig · 20/08/2018 17:04

@Jaxhog

I think you may be onto something there ...

I used to avoid those “social” situations as much as I could, but it could be that OP’s DH wants to be in the bar till 1am, drinking shots and braying loudly.

CrossFlannelCherry · 20/08/2018 17:08

Sounds like he wants to go, but doesn't want you and the DC in tow. The "I'd resent you" comment was designed to make you say he should go on his own, but because you haven't said that he'd rather forget the whole thing. I'd be very hurt if I were you and I would also be sussing out who the other colleagues on this trip are and if there are any lone females going. What sort of man resents his wife and children having a nice time? I used to go on work trips abroad with DH many years ago and he was always happy for me to be doing my own thing while he was working - that's normal, your DH's reaction isn't.

RebelRogue · 20/08/2018 17:11

Is he not going at all or does he jst not want you and the kids to join him?

Loopytiles · 20/08/2018 17:14

“in some jobs the networking and socialising is vital“

jobs based on old school boys’ networks.

Ariela · 20/08/2018 17:15

Could you compromise: you all fly out to the resort, he commutes in Mon stays in an hotel nearest work for a few days, comes back to the resort for the weekend, same again the following week and you tag a few extra holiday together days on at the end?

Pumpkintopf · 20/08/2018 17:19

He's a selfish arse. You need a break, here's a way to do it cheaply, he should be happy to facilitate that for you. I'd be very cross indeed with him.

BrokenWing · 20/08/2018 17:22

When I was traveling with work I wouldn't have wanted my family there. Working hours were long and we were flexible about working on, eating out together, having a drink, continuing work talk and also socialising/team building with colleagues we rarely saw. Sometimes catching up with the local office work in our hotel room at night.

It is a working week with colleagues which should be his focus while away and YABU to make it all about a holiday for you and dictating how often you will let him socialise with his colleagues.

SassitudeandSparkle · 20/08/2018 17:23

I've never followed my husband on a business trip, I don't see the point at all. It's not exactly a family holiday as he'll be working for most of the time and you will be on your own with the children.

I don't think what he said was right, but it doesn't sound like an attractive trip to me tbh!

timeisnotaline · 20/08/2018 17:24

You need to talk obviously - id be massively pissed off. As a start I think I’d get up at the crack of dawn on Saturday, tell him you’re off so it’s just him and the kids all day, he should think of it as a mini break.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 20/08/2018 17:27

He said he would resent me for being on holiday while he was working

You'd still be working looking after the kids. So you'd both be working, just somewhere nicer.
What about the times he's done similar and you've been at home holding the fort. You can tell him that you will resent him in future for this.

Nikephorus · 20/08/2018 17:29

He said he would resent me for being on holiday while he was working
I can sort of see his point, it's just he's badly worded it. He's not going to get a holiday there because even spending time with you & the kids after work each day he's still going to be in work mode. Yes you'll have the kids all day long but at least you'll be in a nice location, not cooking & cleaning etc, not thinking about work. It'll be a bit of a break for you. Plus it's somewhere he'd like to go for a holiday and now you'd have ticked it off your list and he wouldn't as a holiday and probably wouldn't get to in the future. And if he does get dragged off to socialise with colleagues he's going to either feel guilty for leaving you alone on holiday and/or pissed off that he's not getting any proper family holiday.

2littleguineas · 20/08/2018 17:30

Tell him you are now resentful of him denying the whole family of a holiday you feel you really need because he doesn't want you to be having fun while he works.

His attitude is very unkind towards his own wife and children.

Yupindeedy · 20/08/2018 17:34

Wow. Your DH resents you for having a nice time just because he would have to work?

A. It’s not your fault
B. He’s begrudging his children the holiday.
C. Most partners would like to do something nice for their OH’s without resenting them for it.

If my DH said no for the reasons your DH has, I’d see him in a whole other spiteful light.

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