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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Paid time off for antenatal appointments

101 replies

PeterRabbitBenji · 20/08/2018 15:45

Just that really. I want to attend every appointment with my wife. I've been informed by the HR department where I work that as a father I am only entitled to unpaid time off for 2 antenatal appointments. My wife is high risk and so will have many more than 2 appointments.

I wouldn't have believed it, but life in the UK really is geared for women to be the care givers and men to be the bread winners. How depressing...

OP posts:

Boohissmiss · 21/08/2018 00:04

YABU

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 21/08/2018 00:04

It is one of the few good things that is "all about the woman". Is it too much to have a few things just to benefit us when the rest of society is so geared up for men?!

Fair enough going to the scans, no one is saying you shouldn't be at those. However, the midwife appointments are largely very dull and any good midwife will want to see the lady a fair few times alone to ensure honest answers are used and to check for signs of abuse. I also don't know why you think you should be paid for not being at work?

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 21/08/2018 00:08

Having a partner there for bad news isn't always so good either. At a scan for one of my miscarriages (ex was present) around 10 seconds after being told my baby had died the sonographer turned to me and said "don't forget to look after him. It's very hard for men so don't make it all about you, you don't know what he might be feeling". At that point I hadn't even shed a tear I was just in shock.

Sauvignonblanket · 21/08/2018 00:10

Just as an aside - could it just be possible that women can be care givers and bread winners at the same time? Where did the either/or come from?

Mwnci123 · 21/08/2018 00:29

To be fair to your employer, had my husband accompanied me to all antenatal appointments during my first (high risk) pregnancy he wouldn't have been able to do his job properly, and actually I didn't feel that it was necessary for him to be hanging about the hospital with me 3 times a week. Presumably quite a lot of the appointments are going to be pretty routine monitoring and checks? Obviously don't know the particulars of your wife's obstetric care, so sorry if I'm wrong on this. Maybe try to focus on appointments with consultant or ones that are more likely to be stressful for her?

Fuckedoffat48b · 21/08/2018 09:53

Wateroffaduckscrack that is appalling.

It is also a very good illustration of how increased awareness of the challenges men may face in fatherhood have become a women's problem to fix. I bet that sonographer thought he was being well progressive

missmapp · 21/08/2018 09:59

I had lots of appts when pregnant with both dcs. DH didn't come to most of them. I would rather be saved his annual leave for time after the birth. Most appts are just waiting round, linked to monitors and things. Not very exciting. Dave you time for When the baby is here. Much more important IMO

Montsti · 21/08/2018 10:04

I’ve had over 40 scans over 4 pregnancies (we’re abroad and have a lot of scans - we pay..) and I think my husband came to 4 of them at most...at least 2 so as to look after an older child while I went in...it wasn’t really that he wasn’t authorized time off but that he was too busy at work...and he didn’t need to be there..

It didn’t phase me at all...he was there at the births...

dingdongdigeridoo · 21/08/2018 10:12

My DH has come to a few of my antenatal appointments for both pregnancies, and to be honest they’re pretty boring for him. The 12 week scan was nice as we saw the babies for the first time, and 20 weeks is exciting as you can find out the sex. But most other appointments have been urine samples, blood pressure, going through massive checklists with consultant. I was quite happy to go to them alone. If it had been bad news, he could have dashed to the hospital.

FirstNameSurname · 21/08/2018 12:38

Your parental rights start when the baby is born before that it's up to the pregnant woman. Else they will be getting some awkward appointments with separated or strained relationship couples, also what about those who are/have been in abusive relationships. It's her choice for you to attend her medical appointment and work can't be asked to facilitate the choices of someone who doesn't even work for them. Most will use flexi time or ask for a late/early lunch to cover the appointment. What did you do for DC1, why is that no longer suitable?

Antenatal appointments are boring for the most part and women generally don't need supporting to have a wee and lie on a bed for someone to have a feel/measure high risk or not, she can ring you if there's an issue. Being high risk isn't going to change the appointments too much. Maybe use your 2 for any consultant appointments she may have. They will be more informative.

UK offers shared maternity/paternity leave, requests for flexible hours etc all geared to supporting parents to choose for themselves who is the care giver and who is the breadwinner (or a mix of both). Antenatal appointments are for the patient and should remain so.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 21/08/2018 13:18

Fuckedoffat48b I've never forgotten it. I don't know if this makes it worse but the sonographer was a woman! They then tried to force me to sit with the heavily pregnant women so I discharged myself. I never spoke of it with my ex and we split up because of it.

DisneyMillie · 21/08/2018 13:24

I had a high risk pregnancy - we had scans every 3/4 days in the last month before a 37 week planned section - my dh wanted to come to all the appointments as it was all quite stressful and we were lucky enough to be able to afford to see the consultant pre normal clinic hours privately - otherwise I’d have had to have coped on my own as we wouldn’t have expected his work to put up with the half day it normally takes at our hospital waiting around for the nhs appt twice a week.

At the end of the day it’s nice if a dad to be can attend, it’s necessary that the woman does. And hopefully a workplace would have some compassion if there were special circumstances rather than regular appointments

BlueBug45 · 21/08/2018 13:30

Out of interest, for those who say I shouldn't be involved in my wife's pregnancy, when should I get involved?

You are involved in your wife's pregnancy it is just that you don't need to attend everyone of her antenatal appointments with her as it is a waste of everyone's time. Restrict yourself to her scans and possibly her consultant's appointments, and leave her to do the 5-15 minute midwife appointments on her own.

If you do attend the consultant's appointments discuss anything she wants to ask before hand, make a note of the questions and if she hasn't asked the question by the end of the appointment make sure you ask it. Also make a note of anything the consultant says. Your main job is to be there to listen and gather information which she may need later.

In regards to how you can help:

Do the majority of the housework throughout her pregnancy. If you can't do it then see if you can get together the money for cleaner at a minimum to do some deep cleans before and after the birth.
Do the majority of the cooking in the evening especially in the first trimester when she will be damn tired. When you do cook clean up properly afterwards that evening.
Go to antenatal classes with her. Ask at them how you as a partner can support your wife during labour and afterwards. If the antenatal teacher seems bent on only talking about "natural births" or "straight forward births" ask difficult questions like "What happens if you have to have an emergency C-section because the baby is in distress or they realise it's head is too big?"
If possible attend antenatal classes that are only for dads if they have them in your area.
If she needs you to get anything like medication which they won't sell to her but is safe to use in pregnancy, then go and get it. However don't be stupid and say it is for her, say it is for yourself. To do this make sure you have an understanding what the medication is used for.
Be there emotionally for her. She will have times where she feels completely shit and she will just want to moan. Listen and sympathise. You can't fix it as most of it will be the normal pains of pregnancy. (If you are really aren't sure post in the pregnancy section of MN.)

You have 37-40 weeks of this when you are at home. There as HCPs will see her for a total of up to a couple of days through out her pregnancy.

serbska · 21/08/2018 13:32

Well you are not PG, and you do not have any appointments.

Your wife is the PG one and it is your wife who has a medical need to attend appointments.

You want to go to support her / spectator sport.

missmapp · 21/08/2018 14:28

Be involved by talking, listening and not adding extra stress like worrying about the fact you can't attend all appointments. Having parent am responsibility goes well beyond going to appointment s.

kaytee87 · 21/08/2018 14:30

The woman is the patient. There's no need for the father to be at any appointment. My husband came to the scans, that was it.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/08/2018 14:42

I do think you should be at the scans and be given time off - I just don't think your employer should be paying you while you do this.

saratustra · 21/08/2018 15:07

OP, I'm with you. I'm shocked to read the reactions to this. You should share responsibilities and support your wife as much as possible. I was high risk and the times I had to go alone to my appointments were awful. And yes, you should be paid for it - this is how the Public system should send a message of equality and support for working families. We paid loads of taxes for a reason, I can't believe people decide to take the business perspective so often.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/08/2018 15:23

Going against the grain here- yes men should be able to attend. OP is not going for fun, he's supporting his wife and checking on his child.

Fuckedoffat48b · 21/08/2018 15:45

Onlyfoolsandmorhees nobody is saying he shouldn't be able to attend routune apps (though it is the case he woukd be asked to leave for parts of some of them) but are querying the entitlement he seems to have to be paid for time off to do so. As though it is some kind of priority. The suggestion that giving men more capital would somehow free women from the burden of childrearing is particuarly rich.

MsHopey · 21/08/2018 15:55

It's shit.
My DH tried to swap shifts and lost out on pay to come to mine with me.
I was working shift work at the time and they worked my shifts around my appointments, which was helpful but also meant I didn't get paid and they actually kept basically giving my shifts to other people and putting me under my contracted hours. (They said I could be 20% under contracted hours as long as it didn't last longer than 13 weeks or some such crap when I complained I needed the money).
I think most companies legally or not don't particularly want to pay you when you're not there working, it's why sick pay is so shite.

SquigglePigs · 21/08/2018 16:03

I'm surprised at the reactions here. I'm 24 weeks pregnant and it's been pretty hard going so far. We've been lucky that DH has been able to come with me to all my appointments. I'd have hated having to go on my own. I feel sorry for the women who have to go on their own when they would prefer the support of their partners. It shouldn't be down to luck having an understanding employer.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/08/2018 16:16

Fuckedoffat48b but women are paid for their antenatal appointments, the appointments primarily focus on the progress and health of the baby- a baby is 50% the dads so why shouldnt he be allowed to attend without having to take unpaid leave?

Fireworks91 · 21/08/2018 16:16

Why just pregnancy though? If it is about supporting a partner can we then claim time off for partners to come to other medical appointments?

SilverySurfer · 21/08/2018 16:43

Men can attend every appointment in they so wish but apart from the two paid appointments they either take unpaid leave or holiday. Entirely their choice

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