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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paid time off for antenatal appointments

101 replies

PeterRabbitBenji · 20/08/2018 15:45

Just that really. I want to attend every appointment with my wife. I've been informed by the HR department where I work that as a father I am only entitled to unpaid time off for 2 antenatal appointments. My wife is high risk and so will have many more than 2 appointments.

I wouldn't have believed it, but life in the UK really is geared for women to be the care givers and men to be the bread winners. How depressing...

OP posts:
winterdeballesteros · 20/08/2018 18:27

Nothing happens at midwife appointments, certainly absolutely no need for the father to be there. I think the midwife would think it was a bit odd if you turned up every time.

Take the leave for the scans and make the time up afterwards.

Fuckedoffat48b · 20/08/2018 18:32

I'm currently a pregnant woman and don't get paid for time off for my antenatal appointments as I am self employed.

Yes, fathers should have opportunities to be involved if they and their pregnant partners want but the increasing visability of growing male entitlement to invade the spaces women need to access appropriate healthcare (see the recent thread on fathers access to the birthing room) is worrying. It needs much more analysis imo.

SilverySurfer · 20/08/2018 18:37

I think YABU expecting your company to give you paid time off in excess of two appointments.

How you would feel if you owned the company and you were paying a member of your staff out of your pocket for time when they weren't working?

viques · 20/08/2018 18:37

peterrabbitbenji don't fret pet, the way things are going in a few years time all men will be able to go to as many antenatal appointments as they fancy, they will just have to say they are pregnant.......no one will query it.

Fluffyears · 20/08/2018 18:50

I am playing devil's advocate to some extent but we can't scream it's all about the woman and the man has no right to be there then complain when they're not as invested in the whole process as us... it kind of is ‘all about the woman’as she’s the one who is pregnant and she is the patient. OP do you go to your wife’s dental check ups, smears etc. It’s a medical appointment for HER, you are NOT PREGNANT why would your workmlet you toddle off to someone else’s appointment?

eurochick · 20/08/2018 19:05

You can take shared parental leave once the baby is here to even things up in the caregiver stakes.

Fuckedoffat48b · 20/08/2018 19:14

”I wouldn't have believed it, but life in the UK really is geared for women to be the care givers and men to be the bread winners.”

And your solution to this is to give men more capital?

Original poster
PeterRabbitBenji · 20/08/2018 22:40

Thanks for everyone's views. Out of interest, for those who say I shouldn't be involved in my wife's pregnancy, when should I get involved? When do my parental responsibilities start?

OP posts:
Fang2468 · 20/08/2018 22:52

I think that’s a question better directed towards your HR dept. It’s an interesting point actually.

TittyGolightly · 20/08/2018 22:54

You can be involved. You have a statutory right to attend 2 antenatal appointments with her!

RedPanda2 · 20/08/2018 22:57

Men are so desperate to be oppressed it's embarrassing

cadburyegg · 20/08/2018 22:59

You don't have to attend antenatal appointments to be involved in the pregnancy. Presumably your involvement was actually required at some point otherwise the pregnancy in question would not exist. Hmm

MrsFogi · 20/08/2018 23:05

Hmm I can't get worried about this when women still suffer from a pay gap and a million other forms of sexism on a daily basis. Once that's all ironed out I'll worry about men's rights during the pregnancy of their partner.

RedPanda2 · 20/08/2018 23:06

MrsFogi nailed it

DrWhy · 20/08/2018 23:08

You are getting some really harsh responses here! The two ante natal appointments is a compromise between you being able to be involved and hiving you time off for someone else’s medical checkups, pick the two that are most important (likely the scans) and go to those.
To get more involved if look at private NCT type ante natal classes that are run in evenings or weekends. Talk to your DW about how she’s feeling, ask her how she’d like you to be involved. Talk about things like baby names and what needs to be bought for baby - it’s not all medical.

MrsMonkey13 · 20/08/2018 23:10

Luckily my DH works evenings so has been able to come to all of my appointments, but I have thought about couples with the same work schedules a few times throughout the process. It seems so harsh that so many people have to attend these important events alone, or miss out on them entirely. We often find threads on MN and similar about men struggling with the transition to fatherhood but when they’re give two measly appointments and 2 weeks or leave if it’s even feasible to take it (so few companies seem to offer enhanced pat pay compared to mat pay).. it’s no wonder

victoriaspongecake · 20/08/2018 23:14

You sound very controlling wanting to be at every appointment, whether she is high risk or not.

Fuckedoffat48b · 20/08/2018 23:24

But nobody has said that OP

MrsMonkey13 · 20/08/2018 23:24

@victoriaspongecake

Really? Controlling? It’s his baby. And I assume his wife would be appreciative of the support during any pregnancy, more so if she’s been told she’s high risk. Let the man be a dad.

SockQueen · 20/08/2018 23:28

Being involved in the pregnancy doesn't mean being there for every single urine dip and blood pressure check, which is what ~80% of midwife appointments are. It means talking to your partner about how she's feeling, what she might need help with, what's worrying her - whether pregnancy related or not, buying equipment together, reading books or going to classes together, working out how you will share your leave and how you will manage once the baby is actually here. You don't NEED to be there for every single medical moment.

BBR13 · 20/08/2018 23:35

IMO partners don’t need to attend every single antenatal appointment. I can understand wanting to be there for scans but not for routine antenatal checks. As a midwife I find it odd when partners attend every single appointment

C0untDucku1a · 20/08/2018 23:40

My dh and i attended nct classes together in the evenings and saturdays. He was involved that way.

There are times in the very short appointment the mw wont allow the father to be in the room, so it really is a waste of time off sork.

Out of interest, are you sharing the maternity leave and taking 6 months off?

GunpowderGelatine · 20/08/2018 23:43

I wouldn't have believed it, but life in the UK really is geared for women to be the care givers and men to be the bread winners. How depressing...

Well, no, because you're not the patient.

I get a bit Hmm at men trying to claim that they have an equal stake in a pregnancy that's happening in someone else's body.

GunpowderGelatine · 20/08/2018 23:44

But even in high risk pregnancies, 9/10 antenatal appointments are boring and totally irrelevant for anyone but Mum!

BuntyII · 20/08/2018 23:58

'The woman may really want or need their partner there for support! Would you like to receive some devastating news by yourself or prefer you partner there?'

We can't all have our partners there for every moment in our lives in case we receive bad news. Plenty of people receive devastating news in the maternity wards after their babies are born when their partners have gone home to sleep or get clothes or whatever. Some people take their child to medical appointments and get terrible news they never expected to hear. Do you think the partners should be there for all of those as well?

I got bad news - extremely bad news at a lot of appointments pre and post natal and I was on my own. I'd still take that over having a suffocating partner following me to every appointment.