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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my aunt to fuck off

68 replies

AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 13:29

DM has a drink problem that my aunt enables and makes excuses for. It doesn't matter how much the stress of DMs alcoholism and selfishness affects me I'm constantly shushed and painted as the bad one for expecting DM to be a normal mother to me and a GM to DC. She has let me down my entire life in terrible ways but it has only been this past 5 years she has turned to booze.

I'm facilitating a reunion between DB and DM (DM is apparently incapable of arranging everything herself) and then I'm going NC, I'm done with it all

Everything came to a head this morning on the phone when my aunt called me up after yet another argument with DM where she has let us down and aunt told me to be more considerate of DM's emotions.

I told my aunt to fuck off and hung up. Wibu?

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 20/08/2018 13:32

YANBU about the aunt.

YABU with DB.

Why are you facilitating a reunion between her and your brother? Are you throwing him to the lions so you can escape?

If you need to go NC it is mind boggling that you would be encouraging someone who has successfully escaped to step back into this awfulness.

What on earth are you up to?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/08/2018 13:32

I don't think YABU. It must have been horrendous growing up with her. Leave them to it would be my advice.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/08/2018 13:33

I think you should just do what you need to for your children and your sanity. You can't change people.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2018 13:33

You should have said that ages ago. Well done for finally refusing to have that dysfunction in your life.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 20/08/2018 13:33

What she said ^

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 20/08/2018 13:34

RabbitsAreTasty that is

Lynne1Cat · 20/08/2018 13:35

If I'd had the mother you've ended up with, I'd say fuck the lot of them.

staffiegirl · 20/08/2018 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 13:45

My DB was adopted as a baby and has been trying to find DM for many years, its important to him he meets her as he feels he needs closure. We've been in touch a lot lately online and he knows she has demons but isn't put off, he's getting post adoption counselling and then wants to meet her. I wouldn't wish her on my worst enemy but who I am to deny him the closure he feels that he needs.

She is going for adoption counselling also prior to them meeting, and muggins here is the one who has set it all up for her and is taking her (out of town). she does nothing for herself and expects others to do everything for her.

I've tried for years to be there for her despite my shit childhood and I'm absolutely done with her ungrateful selfish ways, my aunt who is smothering and enabling just adds to the stress

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 20/08/2018 13:46

Nope, everyone seems to recommend that the alcoholic is protected from the consequences of their actions (in this case your disappointment) and the hell to everyone else.

When I dealt with similar, I started suggesting that the people who were complaining about my lack of understanding, should actually help practically and shoulder the hassle... They never said anything to my face again.

Basically, put your money, time and effort where your mouth is.

MumW · 20/08/2018 13:46

Why the reunion? Who asked for it and why can't they do it themselves?

MumW · 20/08/2018 13:47

Cross post.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 13:50

I'm now the one in the wrong for swearing and hanging up the phone, it doesn't matter that DM has systematically ruined every aspect of my childhood and left me with an abundance of issues as a result of that

How dare I be angry that she continues such negligence now?

The idiocy of these people astounds me, I'm better off with no family than that pair

OP posts:
Original poster
AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 13:51

Fwiw I did tell DB that he's likely to be very disappointed when he meets DM as she's not somebody who can be relied upon

For him its about closure

OP posts:
LexieLulu · 20/08/2018 13:54

Block them all, give DB her number and wipe your hands with them

Original poster
AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 14:00

I fully intend to end all contact, myself and DB (who is lovely) will continue to have a relationship regardless.

My aunt has been gaslighting me for years about DMs drinking, whenever I'm upset and rightly so I'm told to be quiet, stop upsetting DM, its not poor DMs fault

They are the only family I have aside my DC so I'll be on my own from now on but that's better than putting up with their toxic shit

OP posts:
Hissy · 20/08/2018 14:01

Sounds like your brother has had a shit enough time already without dealing with batshit dm and battier shittier aunt.

So what if you are in the wrong, if NOT being your DM/Aunt is being int he wrong, BE in the wrong and enjoy it!

Fuck them both, be there for your DB and then be there for him when this all goes tits up, and you can both be happily NC together

BlueBug45 · 20/08/2018 14:02

Let your DB meet her and tell him personally you don't have much to do with her as she is an alcoholic.

Then leave them be to sort it out themselves as they are both adults.

Oh and tell your Aunt to FO and go NC with her.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 14:05

Relieved to hear people don't think I'm out of order for telling aunt to F.off

I'm that conditioned to "put up and shut up" I immediately felt as though I'd overstepped the mark, as if swearing at her was so much worse than what they do to me

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 20/08/2018 14:06

Stop enabling the reunion. Tell your brother that she's a raging alcoholic and you can't be doing with it any more. If she isn't bothered about meeting him then you can't make her and really you have to leave her to organise the rest of it herself rather than helping to create a false view of it all to temporarily stop him from feeling hurt.

Why don't you hang out with him a bit? He's not going to get what he wants from your DM, well, except maybe thanking his lucky stars he was adopted. But he could gain a lovely sister and you could gain a lovely brother independently of the rest of them.

Jux · 20/08/2018 14:13

Drop them both now. They're not doing you any good, and just wasting your time and energy.

You aren't alone, you have a db now.

Ginkypig · 20/08/2018 14:14

The best bit of advice I can give you is to stop expecting her to be a mother and a grandmother because she will never be what you need her to be, it will only ever lead to you being disappointed and hurt over and over again.
I know that's easy to say and really really hard to put in to practice but the fact is she has a disease and nothing you do will change that only she can address that so it leaves you only one option and that is to change how you see her (as a person) and how you interact with her.

Tell your aunt that your relationship with you mother is nothing to do with her and you will no longer engage with her about it.

Have a conversation with your brother about how hard your finding everything, tell him that you're putting everything in place to facilitate the reunion let the organisations involved that they need to take a bigger role in helping too but then your stepping back (not from him obviously)

I'm sorry things are so tough, it's hard when your mum isn't what you need and deserve but that doesn't mean that things can't get better but only you can change things for you and I send you all the strength you need to do it!

Original poster
AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 14:19

@RabbitsAreTasty

You have hit the nail on the head. I have been creating a false view to temporarily stop him getting hurt. Whilst I've told him she has difficulties, I haven't spoke in detail about her alcoholism. I've mentioned her good qualities (there are a lot when she's sober) but have told him she can't be relied upon and he may not get all the answers he needs. He is intent on meeting her and naively I was hoping I'd be able to shield him from the worst of her, she doesn't drink every day but goes on long binges when she does.

He had no idea about me until this year, I guess a part of me is worried he will see mum and I as a unit and decide he doesn't want anything to do with me either once he realises what she's like - although I know that would sound ridiculous to him as we've already began building a bond.

As for my aunt she's just as bad as my DM if not worse. DM has a minor learning difficulty so sometimes its easier to let her use that as an excuse. Aunt is a very educated woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 14:20

@Ginkypig you are also right, thank you x

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 20/08/2018 14:21

I think your brother needs to know what he’s walking into. I’m adopted and if I were to walk in with no warning to a situation like you describe it would be shattering.

Good on you for telling your aunt to fuck off!

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