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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my aunt to fuck off

68 replies

AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 13:29

DM has a drink problem that my aunt enables and makes excuses for. It doesn't matter how much the stress of DMs alcoholism and selfishness affects me I'm constantly shushed and painted as the bad one for expecting DM to be a normal mother to me and a GM to DC. She has let me down my entire life in terrible ways but it has only been this past 5 years she has turned to booze.

I'm facilitating a reunion between DB and DM (DM is apparently incapable of arranging everything herself) and then I'm going NC, I'm done with it all

Everything came to a head this morning on the phone when my aunt called me up after yet another argument with DM where she has let us down and aunt told me to be more considerate of DM's emotions.

I told my aunt to fuck off and hung up. Wibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 16:37

I don't disagree @lightonthewater I've took the reins more than I should've.

Things are just so shit with what family I do have so I got so excited when me and DB got in touch

OP posts:
GreatWesternValkyrie · 20/08/2018 16:44

Hopefully this won’t happen AsYouAre, but given how you describe your mother, there’s a really good chance she’ll change her mind about meeting your DB at the very last minute, leaving you to make the apologies and explanations. You may need to prepare yourself for that scenario.

As you may guess, that’s the voice of experience speaking and my poor sibling had to call me to tell me.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 17:06

I'm sorry your sibling had to go through that Sad

I really hope DM doesn't do the same, it would crush him

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 20/08/2018 17:50

Definitely not unreasonable. Do try al anon

Jux · 20/08/2018 18:02

It would certainly disappoint him, but would it crush him? Don't underestimate him.

Jux · 20/08/2018 18:03

What I mean is, he's an adult and will react as he does, but it's not your responsibility to shield him or look after him.

Excited0803 · 20/08/2018 18:04

I think you've written that very nicely OP. Your brother is lucky to have you and I hope he is worthy of getting to know you.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 18:09

Crush him was probably a bad choice of word (I have a habit of that) Grin

What I meant was what you said @Jux

@excited0803 thank you very much that's kind of you to say

Thanks to everybody for taking the time to reply I really appreciate it

OP posts:
Original poster
AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 18:15

About al-anon,

I was looking into that and have found a branch near me who hold meetings every week, I'm definitely giving that some thought

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 20/08/2018 19:29

Most people who go to al-anon are more at the A&E stage of having an alcoholic in their household, but by all means go. The fellowship can be very positive and it's helpful to hear the experiences of others.

As a recovering alcoholic myself, I'm sorry you are going through this. The upside for you is that you are no longer dependent on her, as so many children of alcoholics still are. Your mum may still feel enormous guilt at putting him up for adoption, which increases the chances that she'll cancel at the last minute or show up self medicated as it were.

I also thought that your message to DB was lovely and kind.

Flowers
Original poster
AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 19:51

Thank you @MissConductUs

I'm preparing myself now for the possibility she may do a U-turn and decide not to meet him, I hope she doesn't though as he deserves the closure he's looking for.

DB has messaged me back and has been wonderful about things, he said he's no stranger to having a family member with a drink problem so he knows what to expect, isn't scared off and wants to be there for me when I need him. Bless his heart

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 20/08/2018 20:00

No advice, OP, but so bloody sorry this was the hand life has dealt you. I'm glad you are in touch with DB and hope he may be the sane family member you deserve. Flowers

RandomMess · 20/08/2018 20:14

I would now tell DB that although DM hasn't do much as hinted at it you are concerned that she may do a last minute U turn and you hope that he will still keep in touch with you no matter what happens.

Thanks

pS your aunt is vile!

Excited0803 · 20/08/2018 20:34

I hope he is as nice as he seems so that you and your DC can have a good relationship with him.

Ithinkthatsenough · 20/08/2018 20:46

Lived with an alcoholic mother from primary school until she died when i was 20.
Tell your aunt to fuck right off again. She hasnt lived through what you have. Probably in denial herself about the seriousness of the situation.
Flowers to you x

Original poster
AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 21:17

I certainly think denial is a thing with my aunt, she minimises all of the time EG "oh hasn't mum done well, she hasn't drank in two days and only drank 5 out of the 7 last week when she got her money"

Part of me thinks its beneficial to my aunt for mum to be how she is, they're EXTREMELY co dependent and live in one another's pockets. If DM was to sober up and "get a life" she might then not want to spend half of the week at my aunts, running around after her.

OP posts:
Original poster
AsYouAre · 20/08/2018 23:39

@staffiegirl

I've been reading through the link you sent me, it makes for insightful reading so thank you for finding that for me

OP posts:
Jux · 21/08/2018 20:05

My cousin was married to an alcoholic and praises AlAnon to the skies. I wouldn't mind using them myself (due to several family members) but htey don't have a meeting I can get to at a time I can get to.

I would be really interested to know how you find it and how it works, if you felt like reporting back, AsYouAre. No obligation, obviously.

Good luck to you, nad your bro (and your mum too).

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