To tell my aunt to fuck off

[AsYouAre]

DM has a drink problem that my aunt enables and makes excuses for. It doesn't matter how much the stress of DMs alcoholism and selfishness affects me I'm constantly shushed and painted as the bad one for expecting DM to be a normal mother to me and a GM to DC. She has let me down my entire life in terrible ways but it has only been this past 5 years she has turned to booze.

I'm facilitating a reunion between DB and DM (DM is apparently incapable of arranging everything herself) and then I'm going NC, I'm done with it all

Everything came to a head this morning on the phone when my aunt called me up after yet another argument with DM where she has let us down and aunt told me to be more considerate of DM's emotions.

I told my aunt to fuck off and hung up. Wibu?

Not only do I think you were right to give your aunt the old FO, I’m quite in the mood to tell her myself if I knew her!

I'm on a waiting list for CBT to work through some of my own issues that stem from childhood and lack of nurturing, I think I'll benefit from that definitely

I've seen the stately homes threads mentioned before but never went over to have a look as I always assumed it was primarily about narcissistic parents, it never occurred me to that DM may be a narc. N's tend to be intelligent to a degree don't they, in order to gaslight and manipulate? I've always thought of DM as somebody who wouldn't know how to tie her own shoelaces unless somebody is there talking her through it. I'll go and have a look, I may have had the complete wrong idea and could benefit from reading there, too.

My aunt definitely fits the bill for N though, I have no doubt about that.

I feel a massive pang of guilt having not told DB about her drinking at the first opportunity, he was so happy to be in touch I didn't want to upset him. What can I say to him, I feel as though I've deceived him already by being so vague about mums "difficulties"

I've blocked aunts number from my phone and WhatsApp, that's the last she will be hearing of me.

It'll be harder to do with DM but I need to learn to put myself first so will follow through with NC

If you don't tell your brother how bad she/things are, might you end up losing your relationship with him?

Can't your Aunt take over facilitating the reunion?

I have experience of alcoholics (DB and FIl) unfortunately people on the periphery will always judge those of us that have suffered the consequences of the alcoholic. Your aunt will have an easy time as she’s enabling your DM. I am NC with my DB as I just couldn’t take any more of his crap. I’m judged for it but don’t care it’s been 7 years of bliss now and the minute anyone tries to raise the subject or criticise my decision I remind them of a small proportion of the things he’s done

I have gone NC with my sister and mother. I have an aunt who said similar things to me last year after the difficulties and I am NC with her too.

They do not have the right to tell you how to think, feel or behave. You do what is right for you and for those you are responsible for.

No one is responsible for another adult unless they are ill or have a major learning difficulty.

Congratulations on starting to gain some freedom.

^^ Ha, yes, defo.

Space brings clarity or at least, less drama...

Sorry to rant on, I really appreciate your replies. It helps to get it out of my system

Did you meet your brother yet? I think you should meet him first, perhaps with his adoption counsellor. You could let him know all the crap to expect and ask that he be prepared before he meets her. Tell him clearly how you're worried he'll drop you along with her but feel he deserves the truth to be ready before he meets her. Then you can still facilitate them meeting, but the counsellor can help him with how to handle it and he'll be ready for it. Initially maybe keep it light; e.g. "Until you know her to make up your own mind I would rather be brief; she has a current alcohol problem but also was not a very involved nor loving mother in my opinion. I can tell you everything you want to know after you've met her, but I won't colour your views further." Then focus on getting to know him more. Obviously just a suggestion, you know the full extent of the issues with her, your relationship with your brother so far etc, so vary accordingly!

And yeah, YANBU, ditch the pair of them and focus on your new brother.

I haven't met DB yet but we've spoken a lot online and over the telephone getting to know each other. He's had no contact whatsoever with DM as of yet. I've talked to him about DM, said she has difficulties but does have good qualities, I've left out the part of the alcoholism until now.

The plan was for them both to attend the adoption counselling (separately) and then he would travel half way between where he lives and where DM and I live, and the three of us meet together. I don't think that's a good idea now all things considered.

I'm going to send him a message tonight and explain things to him, its the right thing to do

In my opinion you need to have an honest conversation with your brother.

Tell him the truth and tell him that you are telling him the whole story because you care and not because you are trying to dissuade him from having a relationship with her if that's what he wants but that it wouldn't be fair on him to let him walk into this without knowing the truth. You were scared to tell him the whole story because it felt too big and your history with your mum is hard to distill into an easy to share story.
Tell him It's entirely up to him if he wants a relationship with her but that you do to (if you do) but that he needs to know that your relationship with him is separate and no matter what happens with her that's nothing to do with your relationship with him, explain to him Honestly that after facilitating things you can't and infact won't be involved but that doesn't mean you can see him Separately.

@AsYouAre, I'm an adopted child and I beg you to be 100% honest with your DB about your DM. He needs the truth, warts and all, including the fact that you will be going NC with her. I'm very lucky in that I know quite a bit about my bio mother (private adoption) so I have no desire to find her, but I also know that adopted children can tend to see reunions and birth parents through rose coloured spectacles. He sounds especially vulnerable ('seeking closure').

As most alcoholics do, your DM is constantly looking for an enabler. Now that you've (wisely) decided that you will no longer be that person, she will be looking for someone else, and who more natural for her to light on but your DB?

Hi I wanted to tell you this prior to your counselling with * as I feel it's right you're given as much info as possible so you can prepare accordingly. For the past 5/6 years mum has had an issue with alcohol, she doesn't drink daily and certainly won't be under the influence when you meet, but it is a problem she has despite my best efforts to get her help. I haven't known how to bring this up as I was worried you'd be put off & may decide not to move forward. I don't think its right to keep something like that from you and have it sprang on you later on. The drinking does cause friction between me and mum from time to time because I find it upsetting, it has been a difficult road since I moved nearer to her and was met with a problem that didn't exist before. She says she wants to quit and I hold out every hope that she will dedicate herself to trying one day but I'd be lying if I told you it hasn't been difficult to live with. I really do hope you're not put off and would still like to meet me as it means the world to me to have found you, I would just feel tremendously guilty if you were to come into this without open eyes so to speak because I had held something back. I hope this doesn't change anything but understand completely if you feel it would, as I have struggled to come to terms with it myself.

That is what I have sent him, is it OK? Very nervous now

That sounds really lovely OP, a very thoughtful letter.

That's true I don't have any control over when she drinks, I shouldn't have said that

Although I am certain she wouldn't drink on the day she's meeting him, she can "not drink" when she has appointments and things she needs to do, and manages not to get sozzled when she is actually required sober

Oh bloody hell me and my wording I can't take that part out now as I've sent it

OP how will you feel if they get on well and form a relationship and see each other regularly despite her ways?

@WhatAnAbsolutePenis

I'd be completely fine with that as ultimately its his decision how he proceeds with DM, I'd never try and cause a rift regardless of how I feel about her and what she's put me through. I don't want to colour his view all I want is for him to be happy, whatever form that may take

Yeah. Bollocks to 'em ! Life's too short. (I seem to be saying that a lot lately) Put yourselves first and move on ! Good luck Op. X

I think your email is just fine. You told the truth as you see it. He's forewarned, but will still have to find his own truth with her.

If I got such an email from a bio sister prior to meeting my bio mother for the first time, I'd consider it to be nonjudgmental and written out of concern for me. Well done.

I think you need to warn your brother properly and then just just butt out and leave them to it to be honest.