Ex partner trying to get 50% custody by the back door?

[Belindablinks]

Really could do with some advice, please. I split with my verbally and emotionally abusive partner last year. I must stress that the abuse has continued to this day. He has expressly agreed that I will remain as the resident parent of our 5 year old; in the absence of a parenting plan (I have drawn up two but he refuses to sign) I have agreed access every other weekend, one evening in the week, and the overnight access in the holidays when he has asked for this, where feasible. To put this into context, that's been nearly 2 weeks out of four this summer so far. I am trying to make sure that our daughter sees him as often as she can within reason. Despite this I get abusive messages demanding that he has her the next day, questions as to what we are doing and where we are at any given moment during my time with her etc. The latest is the version of the parenting plan he has sent me, which states that he wants at least two overnights per week and soon three rather than the average of one he has now, in addition to access at his leisure for 25 overnights per year and miscellaneous days during the holidays, and for me to run all my plans with her past him (he literally means plans re daytrips, time with friends etc). Now maybe my maths is crap but that to me equates to roughly 50% access?

I have a couple of questions.
1.Have I calculated that right?

1. Can you tell me if its usual to retain term time access hours over the holidays and add more overnights on top? Or can I say yes to 25 days during hols but that won't be in addition to the usual eow and teatime access? It's one or the other?
2. I can completely refuse this change to the current access situation, is that correct?
3. I offered alternate Christmases (we live a couple of miles from each other) so I said Xmas day 10 until 10 Boxing day, and then 10 boxing day until 10 the next day. He says that's unfair and wants it to be for whole Christmas period. I have no idea what the norm is here, can anyone tell me?

For clarity, I ran my original plan past a solicitor who said it was standard and there shouldn't be a problem, but this is now getting silly. I work around her school hours but he wants to be 'flexible' over the days he has her, somehow this justifies him demanding access whenever, on his terms, and woe betide me if I have made plans.

I'm sorry if this is garbled, it's late and I'm stressed! I know that I need to allow access but without giving outing details, he has made it crystal clear many times that he seeks access to punish me for staying in the family home and not selling it at his request, rather than in the interests of our child. I am not trying to stop him or make it difficult for him to see our child, I have encouraged the opposite in the past, but this latest development has arisen because I'm not being compliant and I just want to know that it's OK to say no, how about xyz instead.

Thanks for reading this far!

Yes you can say no!

The idea is to have a stable environment rather than drop all plans for him. Childcare arrangements are difficult in a set pattern.

Ask him to provide a calender shedule for the next 6 months of his proposed plan!!!

To add, he refuses to go to court or to see solicitors about any of this, which is why I think it's 50% custody through an informal plan rather than a court ordered 50%, which would cost him money and which might bring some of his past behaviour to light.

You can say no. Definitely say no. Email him or get your Solicitor to write and explain you will not run your plans past him for her time with you and give reasons why you do not agree to 50:50 and why dates need to be fixed and agreed in advance.

However, if he pushes for 50:50 and takes you to Court he may get it unless you have very good reasons against it such as he doesn’t have adequate space for her to have a home there or he’s too far from school etc. Alternate Christmas is normal, some so Xmas Eve-Xmas Day then Boxing Day with the other parent and alternate but some do alternate entire Christmas period whether that’s 3 days or a week especially if there’s a reason such as visiting relatives for Xmas.

You've split up and now live (supposedly) separate lives. I think you should go back to the solicitor and get her/him to send a letter. Your ex sounds like a bully. Don't engage with it.

Thanks both. I understand that courts often grant 50/50 these days and would be prepared for that if it went to court, as that's all I'm being offered by him at this point anyway. I feel so despondent about it all, he's deliberately trying to wear me down to leave the house and sell up ( I have very good reasons for staying here) and this is his latest form of attack. I guess if it goes to court and he wins, he can't hold it over me any more. At the moment though he is refusing to seek legal advice.

Would reverse psychology work? My abusive ex only wanted the children for overnights because he thought I’d be devastated at the thought and sit home pining for them. Once I mentioned that I would spend the time catching up with friends etc maybe take up a hobby he wasn’t as keen.

May be worth a try! Whatever I go back with will result in abuse. My solicitor is probably sick of me, she advised me to go no contact re house and custody and to get him to deal with her as he was harassing me, but I don't feel I can block him on my phone as he will do something to make me regret it like not pick our daughter up, or bring her home late or something and blame me for not receiving his messages. So I haven't followed her advice! But I think something has got to give, he is on the attack constantly, either through flat out abuse, or the constant messages regarding the house or access minutiae and he knows I get sucked in.

Definitely say no to flexible days/overnights because your child needs stability and routine. It depends on the judge whether 50-50 would be granted in court - a lot tend to go with "continuity of care" - ie what the current status quo/routine is for the child now, to cause the least disruption. So if the child is used to you being primary carer, a judge may this can continue.

Say no to increased overnights if it doesn't suit you - esp as you say your original plan was reasonable according to a solicitor. if he 'refuses' to go to court, then what can he do about it?

Get your solicitor to write a letter setting out the access plan that suits you - EOW and a set night per week - school holidays by arrangement - or whatever - and stick to that.

You're being completely reasonable. Ignore his texts.

Really take your solicitor's advice. That's what you're paying her for. She's the professional who will have experienced many cases like yours. Go back and get her to deal with him. Better for you and better for your daughter.

Listen to your solicitor. Go no contact. All through her. You know he will be a dick but not in any truly awful way. Pretend it was handy that he was late. Or have someone else do the handover so he never sees if you are upset or not.

You know you get sucked in. Your solicitor knows. She knows how to handle it. You pay her to give you her professional advice, right? So take it.

Thanks all. I'll contact her tomorrow. I feel so stupid, I know exactly what I need to do but for some reason I'm still afraid of his reactions, even though he's never physically harmed me. And of course I don't want to deny my daughter time with him, he makes it all seem so reasonable and that I'm controlling, which is why I posted to find out if I should be saying yes to him. Me going completely no contact will infuriate him. Has to be done though, you're right. He's slowly breaking me and I can't sit back and let him.

He's still trying to abuse/ control you and am sure this is all some sick game he's playing to make you feel like you are now and fear you'll not be able to have a life without him in it constantly.

Sorry that I can't give you any legal advice other than going to your solicitor again and explaining his current demands but I'm 100% sure they'll side with you, say he's being absurd and that his contract would never pass in court.

Stay strong, be calm and don't get personal with him, stick to the plan you've drawn up and if he wants to push with his one then he'll have to stick his hand in his own pocket to sort it out. Once he realises you're stronger than him, that he can't control you anymore and that his childish/ ridiculous demands won't be met by you or the courts he'll soon back off, what else can he do?

It certainly isn't the norm for one Parent to have the child all over the Christmas period, it's always split (if both Parents are involved), then additional access arrangements are made for wider Family, as well.

Most good NRP will have extra nights/time over the school holidays, if they can. It is additional to their usual access.

Fully co-parenting isn't feasable as the child gets older. So additional hours are grabbed/given when possible.

But these are usually decided a few days ahead, at least.

Neither Parent has to give the other a run down of what they are planning on doing. If the child is under 4, then one Parent might tell the other what they did, so the child is understood when they talk about what they've done, but it's for the child's sake.

As said, children need to feel secure in their relationships and they need stability. They also don't need a Mum who is still being verbally abused. I would give him an ultimatum, it stops, or you communicate through your Solicitor and stick to it.

It's better if it doesn't go to Court, but it's him that's making it go that way.

Learning to say no is a process. You have to practise. You'll get there. Seek out new and interesting ways to say no. Learn to feel a bit self satisfied and smug instead of fearful when he can't play you. Later he will be irrelevant. For now, train yourself to say no and see the total absence of any actual serious downside. He's not that powerful. Really. Teach yourself this through experimentation. No point in breaking free if you cling to the shackles

Is he paying maintenance?

Many NRP push for 50/50 simply so they dont have to pay the RP anything, but often still expect he RP to pay for everything for the child......

Yes he pays maintenance, that's been hard fought too! It's not through CSA but I did use their calculator to get the basic amount, which he pays every month. And don't I know it. He'd leap at the chance to end it, he wants me and our daughter out of this house, so much so that he has told me he hopes I default on our mortgage so that we're out on the street, he doesn't care where we go, we'll manage . I tried to explain the concept of joint liability to him but he's choosing to ignore that. I realise that I'm not painting a very good picture of him, but it's all true and more besides. So this is why I still fear him, he rants and raves and questions me to the point I don't know which way is up, and still I cling on to some hope that he'll see that I do everything I can to be reasonable.

Sorry but he'll never see anything you do as reasonable because he's an abuser, I mean come on, he seems more obsessed with money and still controlling you than what's in the best interest for his DD if he's hopes you'll both be out on the streets to get what he wants.

Listen to your solicitor & PP who have said to ignore/ distance yourself from him and maybe consider going to your GP and getting counselling, you've been super brave to leave him already/ still put up with him but does sound like he's managed to effect you in a really negative way if you're still hoping he can be reasonable/ is making you question which way is up.

""still I cling on to some hope that he'll see that I do everything I can to be reasonable""

He won't. His issues are inbuilt, they aren't dependent on your actions.

Stop the ranting/raving/questioning, you'll start to feel so much better. Stop giving him so much power (in your head), he doesn't get to continue to treat you as he has been.

Why, when YOU, an adult, can’t deal with his abuse/manipulation etc, do you think a child would fare any better?

Sure, he may not be manipulating her Yet, but as soon as she gets one of those opinions that are so offensive to abusers, he’ll do to her what he does to you.

Discouraging contact by any means is in HER best interests. So say no, block him and refer to solicitor as she recommends, if he drops the fight for her, it’s actually going to be positive for her.

No to have to tell him your plans. Flexible days an agreed notice period like at least a week .50/50 custody 2 of my friend do this and there kids benefit from it massively .

HA HA HA...run all your plans past him? Flexible to suit him at the drop of a hat? Refuses to go to court? Oh god my sides hurt.

YOU my love haven ALL the balls in YOUR court.

Buy yourself a cheap PAYG phone and give him your ‘new’ number. Block him on your real phone.

Tell him either which days/overnights he can have her (NOTHING LIKE 50/50) or tell him you will call him when DD wants to see him. Get that twat firmly put back in his box.

Buy a cheap phone and seperate sim and keep for dealing with the idiot.you can then only check when he has her and for plans to have her etc rather than let him bother you as and when he feels like it.
Your solicitor is right to go no contact really though and only through her that way she will have all evidence properly if his behaviour.
Plus if he has a history of abuse in ways that will show clearly in what a court would allow so by dealing with him yourself your still getting the abuse if you only deal through solicitor you may see lots change

Sounds like yet another abusive man using the same textbook as mine.

I have just finished going through court with my dickhead ex, first case was 2014. It ended with a 3 year ban for him. Courts are very used to seeing dicks like this.

a) alt weekends, 1 night for tea a week and half holidays is standard and generally (always exceptions) what courts give the non res parent. If YOU were the one dicking about, they would go for that first, then if you continued to dick about they may well then go for 50/50. But as YOU are the one (like I was) bending over backwards to keep your child in contact with him they will take that into account. They like the status quo to be kept for the child's stability. They like a decent place to stay as in the child has a room to call their own (or if the parent has one bedroom, the child has that while the parent sleeps in another room in the flat/house). Everything revolves around what is best for the child. Not for arsypants. Stick to the plan agreed with your solicitor. Re Xmas I usually did half days, they do usually say full day alt year's...but two mature adults can usually do a half day if they live close enough so the child gets best of both worlds. Mine quite frankly would not give a monkey's if I chose it for myself every year. He doesn't even care about seeing them on their birthdays despite the fact I offer for him to have them every year. Dickhead.

He does NOT need to know where you and her are going and what your plans are!!!!!!!!! That is more abusive shit. He is attempting to maintain his control over you both. He legally does not need to know. Ignore that bullshit.

Him wanting access re financially, old as the hills. My ex tried this on. Trying to minimise his financial responsibility by offering to have the children and have me move out of the family home. He even put it in the court papers and said I had 'lots of money' to rent. Erm...child tax credits, child maint and child benefit depend upon you having the children! The courts saw it for what it was (went to a financial final hearing in court, only 10% of 10% of the most dickheaded men go for that apparently). Minimising financial responsibility. NOT in the best interests of the child.

Your solicitor is right in what she says. Let her deal with him, not you. Right now he is still feeding off you. I would cut off all contact but for my own peace of mind I would want a number for him to contact if there was any issues while he has dd. Preferably of your parents or trusted friend?

Keep everything. All texts/emails/paperwork. It can then PROVE what you are saying is true. If you can purchase a small recording device that can slip in a pocket and use that at all hand overs. Courts don't like this, BUT if you critically needed to prove something you could potentially use it (also no one needs know about it but you, you are legally not allowed to share the recording with 3rd parties unless its your solicitor). The other use I would make is hand writing up what he said after pick up/drop off and sign and date it and keep it. That can also be used as evidence. Obviously only if he is saying something relevant.

If you want to know the secret of ending the abuse...starvation. Starve the bugger to death. Don't give him ANY attention AT ALL. Absolutely let your solicitor deal with him 100%. The instant you give him a crumb he will see you as weakened. Can you arrange handovers with your parents or a friend? If dd is at nursery can you drop her off there and arrange for him to pick up?

Honestly, everything he is doing, I've had it done to me, and this is a family solicitor's bread and butter, dealing with tossers like this.

If you starve him he will get bored eventually and go find someone else to feed him. He may well get bored of seeing dd too. Better for her if he does. Till then keep being the reasonable parent. Think of what you are doing as sticking to the rules of what courts would think is reasonable. Not what he thinks is reasonable. My favourite bit of advice is 'you cannot reason with the unreasonable'.

I re read lots your messages And I can’t suggest stronger to cut all contact bar through solicitor,

Am sorry OP but as others have said he is still continuing his abusive behaviour, just using your child as a tool of his coercion and control approach. Running ALL your plans past him? Under the guise of wanting to be sure DD is safe/event of emergency/whatever billy bullsh*t he dresses it up as means he retains the control. 50% is not all he is offering you here - it's 50% on his terms only, and if you agree to it that'll be the thin end of the wedge before he wants more. Him refusing to go to court won't look good. Get back to your solicitor and ask for full representation. Explain fully why you are taking it through the courts. It would also be worth getting support from a domestic violence charity (sorry if you've already done this and I've missed it!) to help guide you. cut all other contact with him, it goes through solicitor or advocate only and be prepared for him to step up his abuse, be ready to make a police report. You've done an amazing job of protecting your child from thinking it's okay to accept behaviour like his by leaving and standing your ground, don't be concerned to ask for some help to carry that on :) good luck