Ex partner trying to get 50% custody by the back door?

[Belindablinks]

Really could do with some advice, please. I split with my verbally and emotionally abusive partner last year. I must stress that the abuse has continued to this day. He has expressly agreed that I will remain as the resident parent of our 5 year old; in the absence of a parenting plan (I have drawn up two but he refuses to sign) I have agreed access every other weekend, one evening in the week, and the overnight access in the holidays when he has asked for this, where feasible. To put this into context, that's been nearly 2 weeks out of four this summer so far. I am trying to make sure that our daughter sees him as often as she can within reason. Despite this I get abusive messages demanding that he has her the next day, questions as to what we are doing and where we are at any given moment during my time with her etc. The latest is the version of the parenting plan he has sent me, which states that he wants at least two overnights per week and soon three rather than the average of one he has now, in addition to access at his leisure for 25 overnights per year and miscellaneous days during the holidays, and for me to run all my plans with her past him (he literally means plans re daytrips, time with friends etc). Now maybe my maths is crap but that to me equates to roughly 50% access?

I have a couple of questions.
1.Have I calculated that right?

1. Can you tell me if its usual to retain term time access hours over the holidays and add more overnights on top? Or can I say yes to 25 days during hols but that won't be in addition to the usual eow and teatime access? It's one or the other?
2. I can completely refuse this change to the current access situation, is that correct?
3. I offered alternate Christmases (we live a couple of miles from each other) so I said Xmas day 10 until 10 Boxing day, and then 10 boxing day until 10 the next day. He says that's unfair and wants it to be for whole Christmas period. I have no idea what the norm is here, can anyone tell me?

For clarity, I ran my original plan past a solicitor who said it was standard and there shouldn't be a problem, but this is now getting silly. I work around her school hours but he wants to be 'flexible' over the days he has her, somehow this justifies him demanding access whenever, on his terms, and woe betide me if I have made plans.

I'm sorry if this is garbled, it's late and I'm stressed! I know that I need to allow access but without giving outing details, he has made it crystal clear many times that he seeks access to punish me for staying in the family home and not selling it at his request, rather than in the interests of our child. I am not trying to stop him or make it difficult for him to see our child, I have encouraged the opposite in the past, but this latest development has arisen because I'm not being compliant and I just want to know that it's OK to say no, how about xyz instead.

Thanks for reading this far!

The more you give, the more he will take

Say no and mean it. Don’t budge or he will push every single time

He's sent a few emails texts since my 'no'... I haven't responded. Latest is him telling me he'll see a solicitor, so of course while I'm worried that they will push for more and more, at least it will be out in the open and my solicitor can respond accordingly. My solicitor was primarily working with me on my rights regarding the house, as he wants to force a sale and was threatening all sorts, but I will be instructing her to take the access issue on as well. She's been fantastic so far, which is reassuring, she's far tougher than me (obviously) so I hope she can help me to stand ground regarding the current access. Again, can't thank you all enough. I'm still afraid of what he will push for, but at least I'll be afraid with some decent legal advice steering me! He just frightens me, I can't explain why, as I said it's not physical abuse I'm worried about, it's that he seems desperate to just break me.

He seems like someone who is using this not really to see his child more often, but to take out anger against you.

Keep the threatening messages as evidence should it be needed.

I'm saddened that any child has a parent like him.

I do think you need to step back and see this as a game

Because he is playing games. Never reply straight away. Then a clear Ues/No or I'll let you know

Do not engage in any form of discussion. Let him get angry.

He is desperate to break you. He is. That is how he feels good: by controlling and demeaning you.

It will be easier to deal with him when you consider his every move with this thought first and foremost "How is he trying to break me with this move?"

After you've processed that line of thinking then you can proceed to "Is this in the best interests of the children?" and "Is this a reasonable request?"

Can you afford to keep asking a solicitor to write letters for you, is he doing this so that you are forced to spend money?

I couldn't afford to keep my solicitor nor afford to keep going to court. However I did have a friend who acted as the 'middleman'. Everything between us was arranged in writing (as evidence) all abusive letters kept, but it was my friend who read each and responded, only picking out information to tell me on a 'need to know' basis. My ex woukd suggest really stupid arrangements just so that I had to pay for legal advice and another solicitors letter. All the solicitor was doing was putting back in writing 'no', my friend could do the same.

Do you also need to keep the family house? For my sanity and freedom I sold ours and took my share of the equity. I wanted my independence and felt much more beholden to him in the house that had been 'ours' and not at all in MY new house. It allowed me freedom to move away (only half an hour so that parent/child contact could be maintained but control taken away) Mind my ex threatened to move himself and the OW in with me and the kids...no wonder I wanted to sell and move on!

I could write a book about what my ex put me through. One piece of advise that really stuck was SILENCE. He won't know if you got the message, he doesn't know what you think, you are showing he really doesn't matter!

Be kind to you!

Some good advice here.
50% means maintenance will stop and he may go for family allowance if slightly over. He will try and drive you out of the house by cutting money.
Don't let him the you in knots and feel unreasonable. He is still bullying, still controlling and still making you doubt yourself.
Don't feel you need to explain why and when, just say
No, that is not convenient.
(Why, what else are you doing?)
It is irrelevant, it is not convenient
(It was a question, why are you being difficult?)
I am not being difficult, I am simply telling you it is not convenient.
(You are totally out of order, I want to see my child!)
You may see your child, at a convenient time. Look at your dates again and come back to me with several dates. I will check our diary and see which fits best.
(Rant rage insult)
If you are finished with your threats/intimidation/insults, I am hanging up now. Text me those dates. Goodbye.
Please drop discussions 're contact agreements, use your solicitor. If he starts messing you about them he is doing himself zero favours, any judge will see through that. You have been accommodating but now you must protect your child and yourself. Be cold, unemotional and 100% focussed on the logistics of your child's contact - nothing else.