Ex partner trying to get 50% custody by the back door?

[Belindablinks]

Really could do with some advice, please. I split with my verbally and emotionally abusive partner last year. I must stress that the abuse has continued to this day. He has expressly agreed that I will remain as the resident parent of our 5 year old; in the absence of a parenting plan (I have drawn up two but he refuses to sign) I have agreed access every other weekend, one evening in the week, and the overnight access in the holidays when he has asked for this, where feasible. To put this into context, that's been nearly 2 weeks out of four this summer so far. I am trying to make sure that our daughter sees him as often as she can within reason. Despite this I get abusive messages demanding that he has her the next day, questions as to what we are doing and where we are at any given moment during my time with her etc. The latest is the version of the parenting plan he has sent me, which states that he wants at least two overnights per week and soon three rather than the average of one he has now, in addition to access at his leisure for 25 overnights per year and miscellaneous days during the holidays, and for me to run all my plans with her past him (he literally means plans re daytrips, time with friends etc). Now maybe my maths is crap but that to me equates to roughly 50% access?

I have a couple of questions.
1.Have I calculated that right?

1. Can you tell me if its usual to retain term time access hours over the holidays and add more overnights on top? Or can I say yes to 25 days during hols but that won't be in addition to the usual eow and teatime access? It's one or the other?
2. I can completely refuse this change to the current access situation, is that correct?
3. I offered alternate Christmases (we live a couple of miles from each other) so I said Xmas day 10 until 10 Boxing day, and then 10 boxing day until 10 the next day. He says that's unfair and wants it to be for whole Christmas period. I have no idea what the norm is here, can anyone tell me?

For clarity, I ran my original plan past a solicitor who said it was standard and there shouldn't be a problem, but this is now getting silly. I work around her school hours but he wants to be 'flexible' over the days he has her, somehow this justifies him demanding access whenever, on his terms, and woe betide me if I have made plans.

I'm sorry if this is garbled, it's late and I'm stressed! I know that I need to allow access but without giving outing details, he has made it crystal clear many times that he seeks access to punish me for staying in the family home and not selling it at his request, rather than in the interests of our child. I am not trying to stop him or make it difficult for him to see our child, I have encouraged the opposite in the past, but this latest development has arisen because I'm not being compliant and I just want to know that it's OK to say no, how about xyz instead.

Thanks for reading this far!

You are being far too tolerant which is understandable considering the abuse.

Agreed with a PP that you need to only contact through a solicitor. He can’t ‘refuse to see a solicitor’, if he really wants to play it like that then I’d be marching his arse to court personally. I know it’s messier that way but your DD needs stability as do you and he is really putting you through the ringer here.

My ex demanded all sorts before we went to court, in the end we ended up at a contact centre with all communication through our solicitors. I put together a contact order I was happy with and the courts went with that as it was reasonable. In reality ex couldn't even keep up those days as his jobs changed.

We have:
Every Wednesday after school 3-6pm (9-6pm in the holidays and was 10-5pm before she was at school, childcare is his responsibility if he can't make it although never been a problem so far)
Over nights every other weekend (in reality this never happens as he is at work and hasn't for 3 years)
Alternate Christmas and birthdays
Christmas is 12pm Christmas Eve - 12pm Boxing Day, I chose this because I didn't want DD shipped around on Christmas Day and having to leave new toys etc. It actually works really well and we just shift our Christmas to a different day.

School holidays weren't written in to our order but if we have nothing planned and her Dad is off and she wants to go that's what she does same as if his family come visiting I'll make her available. DD doesn't tend to like overnights so she'll often get dropped off at home in the evening then picked up again the next day.

Just say no to informing him of your every move you don't have to do that. I barely talk to DDs dad just the essentials, has she eaten etc. I see the time he has her as having a babysitter that lets me get on with other jobs or catching up on sleep. I give him dates for nativity and sports day etc as it's important to DD but we don't sit together. I would tell him if she was ill and it might interfere with his days or if she was in hospital but that's about it.

If you go through CSM it removes the middle man and I think it's worth the £20 application fee and they recalculate maintenance yearly which you won't be able to do unless you have access to his wage slips.

Yes solicitor and court I think he doesnt get to decide on the no court - and wonder why that is - because he knows he would lose

Take your solicitor's advice - what you're doing isn't working, just do as she says.

Get it through court. Whatever happens his control will end, if you carry on like this you will be at his beck and call forever. If he comes across as intimidating in anyway then phone the police.

I would get a court order about access days. That way, if he messes you about you can go straight back to court with him.
I think it’s unlikely they will award 50/50 because it’s too much disruption for school

I agree with PPs that you should follow your solicitor's advice and go no contact, leave her to deal with him. And be prepared to go to court, a Court Order would take all the power away from him, which is why he doesn't want to do this.

He is being absolutely ridiculous, there is no way you have to run plans passed him for anything in your time.

Offer him Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday eow

As for alerting him of your plans get real it’s not happening.

Focus on that part as if he takes it to court any judge will laugh at that regent due to it being invasion of your privacy and a controlling tactic

I agree if you’ve been advised to go no contact - do it now

Been there OP. Go NC. It really is the only way.

Force him to take you to court. Offer a reasonable contact arrangement via your solicitor. Don't deviate from it. Get your solicitor to keep stressing you are acting in what you believe to be in the best interests of your child.

Keep repeating until he gets bored. Or meets a new victim to bully.

My ex did actually take me to court. Twice. Back when you could get free legal aid. He jacked his job in to avoid legal costs and maintenance. The second time he got a bollocking from the judge for wasting courts, csa and his solicitors time. His solicitor also got a bollocking for allowing him to take the matter back to court.

This was after the first hearing awared him eow, 1 night in the week, half the holidays. He took me back to court as I refused to vary the order to suit his new job. Which he again left to get legal aid.

Dd is 14 now. She was 3 last time we were in court. He hasn't worked for the last 10 years. Dd herself went NC with him about 18 months ago. Despite seeing him regularly for all that time.

His last bit of control, which was dictating I drop off and collect her from my mums was removed when I said dd was old enough to get the bus from here to the town centre and meet him. He used to keep my mum waiting to collect her from there, then keep me waiting while he dropped her off. His tiny little bitter twisted mind couldn't cope with it, he started slating me to DD and how unfair it was that I got all the child benefit and couldnt be arsed to do this 1 thing for him.

It doesn't get any easier unless you take back control.

Thank you all so much, honestly. Some of the examples you have described of your abusive exes is him to a tee...OK. That gives me some confidence that it's not me being controlling, it's actually him.

I have barely slept, so running on autopilot here, I just can't believe that so many of you get it. Like, have just described him. Everything he does seems to be designed to break me, so, for example, his version of the parenting plan was sent at 11pm last night, he was texting me to tell me to sell the house before Brexit kicks in at midnight. He knows I worry.

So, basically, thank you. I was expecting a couple of replies telling me that I needed to compromise, what I got was kindness and understanding.

Sorry if someone has already said this but don't some parents push for 50 50 contact as it means they don't have to pay maintenance? I could be wrong though.

Second time in two days that I am recommending "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Am just reading it myself and it really helps. My ex graduated from the same school of abuse as many here, including yours, OP.

I understand that NC is difficult - I keep my phone on when DC is with her father, but wherever possible I simply forward messages and emails to my solicitor. I assume your solicitor is negotiating arrangements for court - I would do as she says and let her handle it. Any messages you send back may muddy the water. I have occasionally responded direct to my ex but have sent it my solicitor to approve first.

Absolutely do not let him know the day to day running of your life - he simply wants to continue to control it. Ignore, ignore ignore.

If you haven't already, forward his "proposal" to your solicitor and let her deal with it. If you have face to face contact (I wouldn't recommend it) simply say you are taking advice. Gray Rock technique - no emotion, the simplest, minimal facts.

If you don't go NC, at the very minimum mute his messages and/or don't check any emails or messages regularly. Maybe allow yourself to check once a week for an hour.

Change your number. Give everyone else the new number, stick the old sim in a shite phone in a drawer and only check it if the DC are with him or it is your Tuesday night read his mad messages session.

He doesn't have any real power over you any more, except that which you continue to give him.

God these bastard men. Why are you trying to accommodate him? I'd be investing that energy trying to keep him as far away as possible. Any man can father a child, not every man should. I wouldn't trust your ex to walk my dog. Distance yourself and do as your solicitor suggests.

He is pushing your buttons

Don’t react... simple as

belinda one thing which stood out in your posts is that you seem concerned that he wont take legal advice - this isn't your problem!! YOU need to take legal advice for YOU and your daughter to ensure the best and most workable outcome for the two of you especially when he is being so abusive.

One other thing I wondered is could you get a separate phone just for dealing with him?

Go and get yourself a new phone, switch this number to PAYG and leave it only to him. Switch it on when he has her, and a day before just in case, otherwise leave it off and let voicemail pick up the crap

Have sent a message saying a flat no. He'll have to take it further formally if he wants to negotiate. I feel a lot better now.

Why is he so keen for your to sell your house?

Just a thought I would want legally drawn up contact, as at the moment he could decide to punish you by keeping hold of the kids. Legally at the moment there’s nothing to stop him as he presumably has pr? I’ve heard of this happening and now I always think contact is better drawn up legally asap. That way if he tries any shenanigans he won’t be able to get away with it.

Well done, OP. Now he'll probably kick up a stink, so be prepared to switch off your phone or block him (doesn't have to be permanent).

And you know his messages late at night? You need to leave your phone downstairs or switch it off - getting a new number for everyone else and having a second phone as pp have suggested may be the best way forward. You don't have to read his bullshit, you know.

Let the solicitor take the strain.

OP, I ignore all messages sent late at night/3 a.m. until the next day. If DC is with ex, I will check that it isn't an emergency (it never is - he probably wouldn't contact me if it was!) and then give it no head space until the next day.
I also tend to give a message 24 hours before I respond - not because I am trying to wind him up (though it possibly does) but because I don't want to answer hastily.
I see that you have responded to his proposal direct - good for you for saying no, but really, you should be asking your solicitor to respond on your behalf - assuming this is why you are engaging a solicitor? I think my solicitor would be frustrated if I started doing the negotiation in his place. But yours might be different.