To not tell Dh I'm pregnant (for a while)

[NakedBrainStrollingInManhatten]

Dh and I have been ttc for almost three years. In that time I have had a miscarriage that wasn't picked up until the 12 week scan. Dh took it pretty hard was very upset especially as he had just started a new job so hadn't been with me at the scan as we thought everything would be fine.

I've just had a positive pregnancy test, however I've had no symptoms. I don't want to cause Dh any upset if something is wrong.

So Aibu to just not mention it until I've seen a doctor/ maybe had an early scan to check things are ok?

Wouldn't you want him to support you if the worst was to happen? Surely he'd be gutted you haven't told him?

Youre a team. He is supposed to support you in this situation. Whats he like normally?

I think unless you’re also going to keep a load to yourself (forever???) then you should tell him now.

Saying “I found out I was pregnant but an early scan has shown it’s not to be” would be the worst kind of news to give.

You both experienced the loss, you both need to be in this next pregnancy together

no , I think he would be really upset that you even considered keeping it from him, if anything were to go wrong, you'll need his support,
congratulations and i hope your pregnancy goes smoothly x

What is his preference?

My DP didn’t want to know about early testing after that happened to us. However I ended up having to tell him as I needed special medication, so he had to find out.

Good luck OP.

Loss not load

Congratulations!

I am sorry to say this butnwhat if you lost this baby too? Would you not tell him at all? If you are going to tell him then surely just tell him now and let him share in your anticipation.

That's my dilemma, I'm sure if something is wrong I'm going to be upset and it'll be hard to hide that from Dh.

But at the same time I can cope on my own and I don't want to upset Dh when he could just be blissfully unaware.

I can understand you wanting to protect him but he's an adult who knows that any pregnancy comes with risks. Better to face them together I'd say. Congratulations.

No you are a team. You stand and you fall together. And you get back up together.

You should trust him

That's my dilemma, I'm sure if something is wrong I'm going to be upset and it'll be hard to hide that from Dh.

But at the same time I can cope on my own and I don't want to upset Dh when he could just be blissfully unaware.

I know that you are trying to save him being hurt if you miscarry, but you need to tell him.

I hope that all is well with your pregnancy, but you need to consider the worst case scenario. What if you do miscarry and you have not told him that you were pregnant? Would you pretend that nothing was wrong? I don't think that you would be able to find out you had lost a longed-for baby and keep that from him. He will not be hurt any less when he finds out.

And don’t talk about him as if he’s 6! He’s an adult and if hopefully you both become parents it’s s rough ride sometimes. It’s not for the feint hearted so face it all together

hope everything goes bloody brilliantly for you op.

Ah lm sorry for your loss a d l hope this time you get a happy ending. But wrt your aibu whilst l think it's lovely of you to want to protect dh from further upset in another way l think he would want to be told to share and support you through good and (very hopefully not) bad. He might be feeling guilty (totally illogical but it does affect people like that) for not being with you first time so to go it alone at least part of the pregnancy might make him feel worse. Everything crossed for you both.

I would say definitely tell him so you can support each other. And just be honest about your feelings of being worried because of your past experience. All the best congratulations

To those who have asked, if something was to go wrong I just wouldn't tell him.

I have asked him before if he'd want to know. He said he would but he wouldn't want to get excited or really talk too much about it until we knew things were safe.

OP, I’m really sorry to say this, but if you were unlucky enough to miscarry repeatedly (it happened to me) then he would need to know as they test both the woman and the man for potential problems.

This isn’t very common so probably won’t apply! But thought I should mention it.

The positive test is just the beginning of the worry of being a parent! Stuff will happen, illness, accidents etc and I think it would be foolish to go down the road of protecting him because where does it end? I also think hes likely to be more hurt if/when he finds out you lied (because that’s what it is).
Also I think it’s fair enough not to talk much about it or get excited in the early stages. That’s no reason not to tell him at all.

If it were the other way round (biology apart), how would you feel if he kept it from you?

Fingers are crossed

OP you've asked before and he said he'd want to know. Tell him. If the worst does happen and you keep it from him, that doesn't bode well for your relationship, that's a pretty big secret

You are taking very good care of his feelings op but at what cost to you?

You should be in this together 100%.

You really should tell him. You might be symptom free right now but from someone three weeks down the line there is NO hiding this nausea. I’m in bed feeling rotten and so glad I have dh to look after me. We’ve had losses too and it’s definitely made me more worried but it’s not a load I’d want to carry on my own

I completely get where you're coming from, I've been in the same position a few years ago. DH was heartbroken after my 1st MC, and took the 2nd one even harder. When I got pg the next time I didn't tell him - sadly I lost that one soon afterwards, and to this day he doesn't know. The next time I got pg I was going to do the same thing but I cracked after a couple of days and told him...

I think people are right saying you're a team, in this together etc - but sometimes it's very difficult to see. PP are right in that of course you should tell him... but I understand why you don't want to yet...

And - congratulations!

You've asked him and he'd like to know but maybe keep the excitement at bay until after the first scan, so you know what he wants, follow his wishes. If you keep it from him having already discussed the scenario then it could cause big problems further down the line. When you go to the hospital and they ask how many pregnancies youve had would you lie in front of your dh?

I’m just thinking here how I’d feel if DH kept a potentially life-changing secret from me, because he thought it was my own good. I’d be beyond angry.

... do you think your husband actually wants to be kept in the dark? Will you be able to cope without his support if something does go wrong with the pregnancy?