To not tell Dh I'm pregnant (for a while)

[NakedBrainStrollingInManhatten]

Dh and I have been ttc for almost three years. In that time I have had a miscarriage that wasn't picked up until the 12 week scan. Dh took it pretty hard was very upset especially as he had just started a new job so hadn't been with me at the scan as we thought everything would be fine.

I've just had a positive pregnancy test, however I've had no symptoms. I don't want to cause Dh any upset if something is wrong.

So Aibu to just not mention it until I've seen a doctor/ maybe had an early scan to check things are ok?

All my best wishes, love x

I had a missed miscarriage found at a scan as well. We were both devastated. It was among the worst things I’ve ever endured.

I am not sure I could have coped without telling DP when I fell pregnant again. Among other things my symptoms were WAY worse the second time. I know you think you would be able to cope alone if it happened again. I know you know he would be devastated. However how would he feel if he found out down the line that you’d had another miscarriage, never told him and went through all that pain and devastation alone? I have no doubt that my DP would be more upset by that. I know I would be if he kept something so big from me. It almost says “I don’t trust you to be able to support me”, even if that isn’t what you mean at all.

I genuinely wish you all the best. For what it’s worth after my MMC I have had a healthy DD and am 33 weeks with DC2.

Please tell him. It's his (potential, hopefully actual) baby, too. Very much hope that all goes well for you, and others on here. He will be hurt that you have kept it from him, it is lying by omission.
I still recall being really hurt by my mum getting into the car (I was about 7) outside the GP surgery and telling Dad and sister and me 'it was negative'. I asked what was, and she said that she wasn't going to have a baby after all. They both knew this was a possiblity, I didn't. Ouch. It hurt that she kept it from me but had told my sister.

I’m pleased you’ve decided to tell him - best wishes OP.

I completely understand your worrying: mc for me last autumn, after about 20 months of ttc. Got another bfp 5 months later and still worry now, at 21 weeks.

But I think you should tell him. He's part of this pregnancy too, he can't pick and choose and say he only wants to hear the good things, that's unfair on you. Things can go wrong at any point and you can't protect him from everything that could happen. He needs to learn that you are a partnership and support each other no matter what.

Congratulations with your new pregnancy and I wish you a happy and healthy one!

I do think you should tell him. He will probably pick up that something is up.

Perhaps you could just say something along the lines of 'I've had a positive pregnancy test but know that it's only early days so we'll wait until 12 weeks to feel safe and leave it a bit later to tell anyone'?

You’re doing the right thing. Wishing you a healthy, happy, totally boring and uneventful pregnancy

Husbands are brilliant but there’s also fantastic support on here for days when you’re driving yourself nuts and want to chat to women in the same boat. There’s a thread on pregnancy after loss which is full of great people.

Glad you've decided to tell him. Maybe seeing him so distraught last time hurt you so much and made the whole thing even harder so not telling him is a form of self preservation but it's his baby too and not right to keep it from him.

I have asked him before if he'd want to know. He said he would

Therefore if you don't tell him now when he finds out he will know you have gone against his wishes and it may be quite a big deal to him.

The fact that I've had literally no symptoms is worrying me. I really just took the test to rule it out as Dh and I are due to start having fertility tests at the end of the month.

I'll definitely take one more test before I tell him.

If it is a normal pregnancy I definitely won't be telling anyone (family and friends) until I'm sure everything is ok. Or as sure as you can get before the baby actually arrives.

Thanks to the pp who suggested the pregnancy after miscarriage thread I'll definitely have a look at that.

Please tell him. He will want to be able to support you whatever happens.

Congratulations I hope it works out for you.
I definitely didn't have symptoms when I first found out I was pregnant. They turned up within a couple of weeks though!

What symptoms are you expecting though? With my pregnancy the first obvious symptoms were when she kicked!

Wishing you all the best OP xxx

I have never had any pregnancy symptoms until around kick time. No sickness etc nothing. Felt exactly the same.

Best wishes op

I have had a mostly symptomless pregnancy - no sickness or nausea at all. At 37 weeks, if he wasn’t kicking, I wouldn’t be 100% sure he’s in there. If fact, I’ve had so many comments about how great and healthy I’ve looked pregnant - I’ve just been incredibly lucky! Being symptomless does not mean anything bad will happen.

We were 2 weeks away from our first infertility appointment when I discovered I was pregnant. I spent the first trimester in a state of terror that something would go wrong - it didn’t. Tell your husband. Imagine the hurt he will feel when he discovers that you kept this from him.

I think most pregnancies are ‘symptomless’ at first. I know some peiople say they know I think these are not 100% reliable. If there was a sure way to tell we wouldn’t need tests!

Please tell your DH, this is his life and his journey just as much as it is yours. It seems unfair to keep it from him - especially if it is ultimately good news which I hope it is.

Just to give another angle... I've been here. I kept my last pregnancy from DH for a couple of weeks, as I wanted to find out how far along I was (v irregular periods) before bringing it up, as I've had a few very bad, very late periods that doctors have said may be very early MCs - but no way of knowing after the fact, with my irregular cycle. So I arranged an early scan which suggested I was only about 4-5wks along at that point (so I'd been about 2-3 when I first tested) and then I told DH. He was fine with this and said he was glad I'd only told him when it was definite, rather than 'just' a POAS test.

About two weeks later, I had another scan (at midwife's request) and it was clear that the pregnancy wasn't going to continue, so I had the choice of miscarrying naturally or medically. I chose the latter and DH was fully supportive at the time, but we had a massive falling out a couple of weeks later, which I think was largely down to me still being upset and hormonal, him being upset and disappointed, and not understanding that I was still suffering the hormonal effects of that pregnancy, because, after all, I was no longer pregnant, and 'it's not like I was really pregnant, after all'.

I believe that argument (which was horrible, and we're still a little shaky about it) wouldn't have happened if DH hadn't known about the pregnancy and later MC. I'd have been upset but on my own and I'm really ok with that. On that basis, if I get pregnant again then I will keep it to myself until I've had a scan that shows things are as ok as they can be. I told DH this and although he isn't fully ok with it, he also appreciates that I'm the one going through it again and again, so it's just my medical status, if you will, until there is actually a viable baby, and that there is a limit to what he can do to help, and no limit to what he could do to make it worse.

PPs have said about propping him up or saving him the heartache - it's a little of both for me, but more about me managing a medical situation that affects only me unless and until it develops into something more, and doing what is best for me, as the patient.

I wish you the best for yours, whatever you decide to do.

Almost the exact same position here. We were ttc.. and had had two MMCs in less than a year, each MMC needed two ERCOPs as neither went correctly.

My DP struggled with this more than I did, I’m quite practical when it comes to dealing with stuff, but he felt useless and unable to help in anyway, it almost put him off trying again.

Anyway, third time I didn’t tell him.. not straight away. I wouldn’t have taken any of the experience from him (as I don’t think I have the right to do that) but I didn’t tell him until just before the first scan, thereby lessening the time he had to worry.

Did you tell him OP?! xx

@xJune88 not yet. I had to be at work early so he wasn't up yet. I'll tell him when I get home probably.

Last time I was pregnant I had symptoms before I could even take a test, nausea and very tender breasts mostly. This time nothing! Not even tiredness, if anything I feel more energetic at the moment.

Good luck to you, I hope your baby is well.

I had no symptoms with dd2. With dd1, I had symptoms before id even taken a test. With the baby I lost, I had horrendous morning sicknesses even after I knew my baby had died. Symptoms or lack of dymptoms mean nothing. Good luck

Thank you @LokiBear yes with the miscarriage I had really bad sickness and other symptoms until the 14th week of pregnancy when the baby had stopped growing at 7.

Yesterday I felt a bit run down but that's it.

It does make me feel a bit better that symptoms don't always mean a healthier pregnancy.

I did tell Dh, he just said "oh wow..." and then yesterday morning he started to seem a bit more happy about it. I think he was just shocked.

Glad you told him op. Now you can support each other - hopefully through your successful pregnancy. Good luck.

I didn't have symptoms until about week 9, so it doesn't necessarily mean anything.