To not tell Dh I'm pregnant (for a while)

[NakedBrainStrollingInManhatten]

Dh and I have been ttc for almost three years. In that time I have had a miscarriage that wasn't picked up until the 12 week scan. Dh took it pretty hard was very upset especially as he had just started a new job so hadn't been with me at the scan as we thought everything would be fine.

I've just had a positive pregnancy test, however I've had no symptoms. I don't want to cause Dh any upset if something is wrong.

So Aibu to just not mention it until I've seen a doctor/ maybe had an early scan to check things are ok?

It's not just your baby, or your pregnancy, it's his too, of course you are being unreasonable. Congratulations on the pregnancy - now go and celebrate with your DH!

@MapMyMum that's a good point.

I don't want to make a big lie situation. I just don't want him to be heartbroken.

I have some blood tests booked up for next month to check my hormone levels as the ttc has been taking so long and unsuccessful.

@MapMyMum that's a good point.

I don't want to make a big lie situation. I just don't want him to be heartbroken.

I have some blood tests booked up for next month to check my hormone levels as the ttc has been taking so long and unsuccessful.

Congratulations on your positive test!

You need to tell him. We’ve had 5 losses and I’m currently pregnant and I’ve always told DH straight away - this time I poas, started brushing my teeth while it did its thing and wandered into the bedroom, still brushing my teeth mumbling “I’m pregnant again” and he said “blimey, here we go again” we had a quick hug and I went back to the bathroom to rinse.

We’re way passed jumping up and down with pure excitement and we know too well it’s just the start of the process and travel with cautious optimism that this might be the one. We’re in it all together. Highs, lows, sleepless nights, hopeful moments, doctor’s appointments, all of it. I couldn’t do it without him.

Let him be there for you. He’s your husband, you’ve explicitly promised to be in it together. If anything bad happens, and I hope it doesn’t, it’s his baby too and you’re his wife who he loves and will want to support.

@PatchworkElmer yes I do think I could cope without his support. I definitely feel like I coped better before. I do feel like I was the one looking after him.

Your a partnership so I think keeping it to yourself is a bit off no matter how good your intentions.

Imagine if anything happened are you not going to cry/be upset about your loss? Or just say oh yes I was pregnant but didn’t tell you?

My first pregnancy ended in stillbirth so I do know how worrying the next pregnancy after a loss can be but you need to do this together and support each other as a partner should.

Tell your partner, and fingers crossed you get a good healthy happy pregnancy 💐

He needs to learn though, OP that part of parenting is taking the falls. You are equal parents to this pregnancy, however that pans out. You taking the emotional pain this early sets a precedent which you don't want-you will be saving him from worrying when you think your child is ill or being bullied at school.
He needs to deal with his own feelings, you cannot do it for him, especially not once you have a child to worry about as well.
Congratulations by the way

I do feel like I was the one looking after him that's rubbish when it's you having the miscarriage.

Did he prioritise his feelings over yours?

It's entirely up to you. Just because you're married you don't have to share every little secret. You have a good reason for keeping it to yourself for a little while. I hope it all goes well for you OP and you can tell him the good news when the time is right. It doesn't make you less of a team just because you choose to shoulder a burden by yourself. Congratulations and best of luck.

He is a grown up...right ?

Congratulations firstly and I really hope all goes well for you this time .

I was in your position earlier this year. I had two missed miscarriages last year picked up at the dating scan. DP and I went through a lot of heartache, it was a hugely traumatic time for us both. So when I discovered I was pregnant again in late February, I ummed and ahhed about telling him the same way you are. I kept it to myself for a few days but he knows me too well and sensed I was hiding something, I had to tell him.

If you are only four weeks, you may still start with heavy symptoms over the next 2-3 weeks and they would be almost impossible to hide. I’d also imagine he would be upset with you for not telling him regardless of the outcome as you would be if it were the other way around.

I think the fact he got upset over not being at the previous 12 week scan suggests that he wants to be involved every step of the way. I think you should tell him, unless you are 100% sure you could keep it a secret if it were to go wrong.

@NakedBrainStrollingInManhatten and @AnneLovesGilbert - congratulations and I hope with all my heart that both of your pregnancies lead to healthy happy babies.

You can share with "let's not get our hopes up". It's easy to worry about the risks, I remember watching the miscarriage statistics drop week by week, I simply couldn't just believe it would all be ok. And yet it was. I hope you have the same, but you need your partner there holding your hand either way. Imagine if you had a scan and he didn't get that precious first view of your baby making it all so real. Imagine sitting alone with all that pain of loss. Either way, the baby is very literally your lives shared, so share every moment. And really really good luck x

Congratulations OP, now go and share this wonderful news with your DH. As someone said upthread, you're a team, through happy times and sad.💐

I totally understand what you mean and feel OP. I've had 2 losses and decided if I get pregnant again i wouldn't tell a soul including hubby until 12 week scan. We discussed this the other night and he made me promise id tell him straight away and never hide it from him as it's as much his business as it is mine and I really see his point. I would tell him. Hope you have a very healthy pregnancy xx

Have you considered how isolated it would make you feel in the long term if you were to lose it and you kept that a secret for the rest of your life?

You really mustn't do this. It's very unfair.

Are you holding back from telling him to spare HIM the heartache should it go wrong, or to save YOURSELF from having to prop him up?

Congratulations and best wishes 🌷

If you require assistance with conceiving this will come up; he'll find out and whatever your reasons were for hiding it from him they'll be irrelevant down the line. Tell him you didn't want to tell him, tell him you'd have preferred to protect him, but please don't hide it from him.

Good luck, and congratulations OP x

It doesn’t bode well for the future, op, if you treat your partner as a child that has to be protected from life’s realities while you shoulder it all yourself.
Horribly uneven type of relationship. And it’s not like he’s even demanding this treatment, you’ve unilaterally decided it’s best

I think it starts you off on the wrong foot. Would you keep this up through the child's life, not telling your dh upsetting stuff (there always is) throughout your child's life? It's very sweet of you but misguided. You're a team and you deserve his support good or bad outcomes.

@AnnieAnoniMoose very good question. Tbh I'm not sure. I thought it was to protect him but I admit there could be an element of not wanting to be the strong one for him.

I think keeping it from him for a couple of days under certain circumstances is one thing but you really want to stop him from seeing his baby and (hopefully) the heartbeat for the first time at a scan with you?

If my DH withheld something this important from me I think it would be a dealbreaker. This is a massive deal and he is, presumably, an adult!

I wouldn't be able to keep it from my dh if I fell pregnant again. I relied on him like I never have before throughout my whole pregnancy. And if it ended badly I'd need him even more. Plus I'd be gutted if he kept something equivalent from me to protect my feelings. You both are a team. You need to support each other. And while we always want to protect the ones we love from heartbreak, that shouldn't mean shouldering burdens like this on your own.

Put it this way, if this does end badly (and you have all of my hope that it is a wonderful successful pregnancy for you) when you get pregnant again your midwife is going to need to monitor you more closely, and there is every chance this will come out. If he did that to you to spare your feelings how would you feel? Patronized and sidelined? I would. Give him the chance to step up and be a full partner. He might surprise you.

I am definitely taking on board everyone's comments.

I will tell Dh... probably tomorrow after I've done another test.